Have a New Kid by Friday (18 page)

When you get back in the car, say something like, “Is it safe for Mom to drive now?”

Try this once and it’s usually enough to stop the bickering. If you’ve been a paper tiger parent up to this point, though, they may need another dose.

And guess what? Your heart rate hasn’t gone up either. You’ve used the principle of “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” Those children are not arriving at their destination until their bickering is dealt with.

Forgetfulness

“But I just forgot!”

Kids will forget. Everyone does. They’ll forget to do homework; they’ll forget to bring their clarinet home from school. But don’t accept excuses. It only makes the weak weaker.

If 12-year-old Janie forgets her clarinet, the best thing to do is tell her, “Honey, go back to school and get your clarinet. You need it.” If you live in a small town or a safe neighborhood and she has to walk half a mile back to school, so be it. If not, you may have to drive her back to school to get it. The point is, don’t let forgettingbe an excuse for not getting the job done. Your child needs to learn to be accountable for doing what she says she’ll do. Don’t reward forgetfulness.

Forgetfulness is not an excuse. The only people who gain from it are credit card companies. They make an easy fortune when you’re late with a payment because you forget. They just add a $39 (or more) late fee on your credit card and rack up the percentages.

Going on Overnights

It’s so tempting to allow your child to grow up quickly. And that includes overnights. But overnights should be rare, especially when your children are young. Children need to be home, and today’s kids are home less and less. It’s part and parcel of being a child today, it seems, that by age 3 you have to be in gymnastics, and by 5 you’re playing soccer, in swim club, in ballet, etc. That means your children have greater exposure to a wider number of people than ever before.

That means today’s parents can’t afford
not
to be watchful of their children. So questions you should ask as you consider an overnight are:

1. Has your child been away from home before? If not, will this be a good first experience in a safe environment?

2. Will your child miss Mommy?

3. Is your child a bed-wetter?

4. How well do you know the people your child would be staying with?

For all of these reasons, overnights were very rare in the Leman home. We allowed our daughter Lauren to have a few friends over when she was in junior high. But then we made it a strict policy that Sande drove the girls home (not me, as a guy).

When you send your child on an overnight, you are saying you trust the people in that home with your child’s life. Do you know them that well?

Grocery Store Antics

“But I want it . . . and I want it
now
!”

(the whine)

“Let me out . . . let me out . . .”

(said while wiggling in the cart)

If you have a young child, you would be wise to remember that 3- to 4-year-olds have short attention spans. So if you really want to shop, pick a time when you don’t have your children with you. I know one mom who shops at 2 a.m., when her husband gets home from his night shift, just to do it in peace and quiet since she has 4-year-old twins.

If you do have to shop with your children, minimize your list to the essentials. Let your 2-year-old hold something. Make your child part of the experience. “Oh, honey, can you grab a loaf of bread off the shelf for me?” you can say as the cart rolls by the bread. Who cares if the bread gets a little squished? It’ll taste the same, and you’re involving your child.

But
do not
let your young children make the calls on what you’re going to buy. If you do, you’ll end up with a cartful of junk, and you’ll be setting a pattern for future grocery trips. Remember, children are all about routine, so if you set a pattern, they will insist that it be followed from here to eternity. For example, if every time you go to the grocery store, your child gets a free donut, your child will be like Matlock—she’s not going to forget that free donut. So if you pass by that donut counter without getting a donut, prepare yourself for an unhappy time for both of you.

Before you set foot in that grocery store, decide on your expectations for the trip. Make a list of the groceries you need. Decide what you’re going to buy and if the children will get a treat or not. (If you set up the treat habit, you might as well buy stock in the Mars company. You’ll be stuck buying treats for life!) Tell the child up front what is going to happen—then stick with it. Don’t let any pleading, whining, or crying divert you from your plan. If your child fusses, simply remove the child from the store. Immediately. Even if that means leaving your grocery cart, full of groceries, in the store. Remember, B doesn’t happen until A is completed. If your goal was to get the grocery shopping done and your child isn’t being helpful, even if you promised your child a treat, that treat cannot happen. Otherwise you’ve put your child in the driver’s seat—and don’t think he won’t want to occupy that spot again.

Helplessness

“I can’t do it, Mommy.”

When I was a 5-year-old, I believed that my sandwich tasted better when Mom made it. As God is my judge, I really did believe that. But, looking back now, I realize something else: that I was a manipulative sucker who wanted her to make the sandwich instead of doing it myself. After all, I was the baby of the family and was used to others doing things for me without me lifting a finger.

Acting helpless is a skillful, manipulativetechnique, and young children (especially the baby of the family) are very good at it. Many times I set my older brother up for all kinds of grief from my dad because I knew what to say, how to say it, and how to get him in trouble with my dad for not helping me with things just because I was younger and smaller.

The general rule of thumb is simple: don’t do for children what they can do for themselves. Young children are capable of making their own sandwiches, even if it means a little extra mess on the counter that they have to clean up. If your child is supposed to phone someone and knows how to use the telephone (or can do it with some simple coaching), there’s no reason you need to make that phone call for the child.

Do we do things for our children? Yes, all day long. It’s part of being a parent. But the smart parent knows when she is getting worked over by the 4-year-old, 10-year-old, or 16-year-old who just doesn’t want to take responsibility.

It’s easier to let children not be responsible. It’s easier, as a parent, to do it yourself. But did you know that even allowing a child to make a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich can be an accomplishment she can feel good about?

You are not only a parent; you are your children’s teacher. So teach them to be responsible. Do not pick up balls that they have dropped or should be responsible for.

Hitting

“But she hit me first!”

“He started it!”

Most siblings will think nothing of whacking a brother or sister in the midst of a skirmish. They won’t bat an eye or feel bad about it.

Parents spend a significant amount of time sorting out who started it. But consider this: fighting is an act of cooperation. It’s not about who threw the first punch. That means instead of you trying to sort out who said or did what, both children involved need to be removed from the scene and taken to a room with the door closed, where just the two of them stare at each other until the problem is worked out.

The amazing thing is that this works with any age, whether 3 or 15. Now, 3-year-olds usually can’t work out their problems, but they can have a time-out. Not being where Mommy is and knowing that Mommy is unhappy is bad enough in itself. Did you know that even a minute’s time-out can seem like an eternity to a 3-year-old?

I had to laugh (inwardly) the other day when my daughter Krissy sent little Conner to his room for a time-out. He marched up there like a little soldier and sat quietly in his room. After that “eternity” (only 3 minutes) of being separated from his mom, Krissy called up, “Conner, are you ready to come down?” And he said in a very chastened voice, “Yes, Mom.”

The point is that when the child comes down, he needs to be ready to join the family again. That means treating his little sister with respect even when he doesn’t feel like it.

When two children hit each other or fight at the breakfast table, remove both of them from the table, put them in a room together, and close the door. There’s a bonus for you: when they come out with their problems solved, breakfast is over. They go hungry until lunch, and the snack counter is not open. Will going hungry for a few hours kill them? No, although they may eat more than normal at lunch. But it will drive the point home that you don’t appreciate and won’t stand for bickering at the table.