Authors: Shannon Dermott
Rock steady were adjectives that
didn't describe me at the moment. I swayed slightly on my feet.
“Maggs,” I breathed. Flaming hair
that was always tamed crowned her pretty head.
"What's going on with you
today?" Maggie asked with her brows pinched.
"Umm... Nothing." I
wanted to lean back on the wall that should have been behind me, but my hands
were full with a lunch tray. I looked down and noticed a wilted salad covered
with cold and dry looking chicken slices. I took a step back needing to know if
I would make contact with a wall without looking back. When my step didn’t
encountering any resistance, I nearly panicked.
"This way silly,"
Maggie said with her hand still on my arm.
I had a moment of wanting to
snatch my arm away. Hadn't I just thought about how I was tired of people
grabbing me? But I glanced up and caught sight of golden curls. My stomach sunk
in that sensation you get from that first high drop on a roller coaster ride or
when the floor disappears from beneath you.
Finally, the air bubble that held
back all other noises popped. Sounds of lunchroom chatter filled my ears with a
normalcy that seemed foreign for my short time away from school.
It wasn't until he turned and
gave me a winning smile did I finally move forward. I felt the sob bubble its
way to the surface but I held it at bay. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't cry. I'd
cried enough.
Standing in front of the bench
where sat, I didn't make a move to sit next to him. I just stared. Luke was
alive. Luke was here. I wasn't sure what was reality. Had I dreamed Fairy or
was I dreaming now? It may have been wishful thinking on my part, but I soaked
him in.
"You’d think she sees a
ghost." Everyone who was at the table began to laugh. I followed the voice
to that perfect smirk on the perfect boy who had the ability to make me feel
violent, love or hate, every time he was around. Flynn.
He wore a black shirt with the
words Parental Advisory Explicit Content printed in white. Fitting. Why
couldn’t he have worn that at the party so long ago?
I was in the middle of rolling
my eyes when Luke took the tray from my hand. He placed it on the table before
drawing me down to sit next to him. His hand was warm. Warm, not cold like the
dead. I pinched myself under the table and felt the distant pain as happiness
swelled in my chest.
I ignored all the jibes at my
expense. Instead, I never took my eyes off the boy that had made all my dreams
come true.
"Are you okay?" Luke
asked, finally looking concerned. His forehead creased under the weight of his
worry.
In response, I circled my arms
around his neck and buried my face in the sweet spot at the juncture of his
neck and shoulder. I fit there like a jigsaw piece. I let a moment pass as I
remembered all the nights I spent in that very spot. If only I could align my
entire body next to his. But we were at school.
“Is Elmo riding the cotton pony,
Mercy?” Flynn barked to another chorus of laughter.
“Ignore him,” Luke whispered in
my ear. His nurturing hands soothed my back with comforting strokes filled with
love in a way no one else could or ever would.
"Hey," he said pulling
back to eye me. "Are you hungry?"
I had been, even after viewing
the unappetizing lunch. But the word no formed on my lips, and I released it
while shaking my head.
"Let's go and talk," he
offered quietly.
I only nodded, longing for some
alone time. When his hand landed at the small my back to guide me, I sighed in
relief. I felt like I was home again. For an unknown reason, I glanced over my
shoulder in time to catch Maggie kissing Flynn full out. I stumbled a bit. Luke
thought I was unsteady on my feet and put an arm around my waist to support me.
Cool air met us on that cloudy
almost summer day. It was good because I needed the chill to clear my clouded
brain. The only thing that mattered was the boy in front of me. I perched with
the brick wall at my back. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to remain standing
for long. It was as if I'd been holding myself up by marionette strings for far
too long.
When his hand touched my
forehead, he captured my eyes with his.
"Flynn's right, you look
like you've seen a ghost. Are you sure you're okay? "
I didn't bother to answer him. I
needed to touch him to make sure he was real. I placed my hands on either side
of his face and drew his lips to mine.
It had to be real because his
kiss was like every other time I'd kissed him before. Stars exploded behind my
lids, which had closed from the pressure of relief. I could see myself circling
the planets including my favorite, Saturn, which bore the dusty trails of our
love as we circled it one too many times.
He didn't hold back. He didn't
pull away. He just lingered, waiting me out. He waited for my need to burn its
course, and I loved him even more for that.
Reluctantly, I released him and
looked away ashamed for my eagerness and the way I reacted like I couldn't live
without him. And maybe I couldn't.
Gently, his hand tilted my chin
so I couldn't avoid his eyes. "Let me take you home."
Even though he hadn't phrased it
as a question, he waited for my approval. I nodded. We didn’t go back in the
lunchroom. Hopefully, Maggie would take the hint and throw away my uneaten
lunch. Instead, he walked me around to the office while I barely registered our
school. I was on the verge of a breakdown. There were some things in life you
couldn't bear to lose. And Luke was that for me.
We ended up in the nurse's office
as he explained to her that I wasn't feeling well. There was some discussion,
but I didn't pay it much attention. I was working out in my head whether I was
in a dream and if it would turn out to be a sick nightmare when I woke up.
-"I'll mark you both as out,
but be sure to take her straight home. If I find out you two are pretending
just to get into funny business..." The nurse chided.
Earnestly, Luke said, "We're
not."
"If you were any other boy,
I wouldn't believe you. But you aren’t a bad one. Stay that way."
She patted his cheek before he
came over to the recliner I'd been placed in. He took my hand, and I felt
lifted up even though I stood under my own power. Next thing I knew, I was
sitting in his car. The same white BMW I remembered.
I wondered what Mom and David
would say if they were home when I got there. Imagine my surprise when we
pulled up to the two-story yellow framed house I grew up in.
Unconsciously, I plucked keys out
of my pocket. I opened the door, and warm air rushed out to mingle with cool we
stood in. I stepped inside with wide eyes as if it was the first time. It had
been so long since I’d been there. I glanced around as memories overlaid each
piece of furniture.
The couch, the one where I had
that near fatal kiss with Paul, sagged as if time had worn it down. A little to
the left of that was the chair Flynn and I had tumbled into when mom had
unexpectedly come home. I took another step until it became apparent I was
alone. I twirled back around to find Luke rigid as he stood on the outside as
if waiting to be invited in.
"What's wrong?" It was
my turn to inquiry over his well-being. So far, he'd taken such good care of
me.
His smile set me at ease, yet he
made no move to enter. "It's probably not a good idea for me to come
in." He vaguely gestured towards the empty driveway with a quick glance
before turning back to face me.
I felt my brows pinch in
confusion. "Why?"
You would have thought he bit his
tongue the way his face squished up. "I know you want to wait," he
began.
"Wait for what?" I blurted
still confused.
His expression went from pained
to one as if he'd sucked on a lime. "Wait for..." His hand flopped in
the air as if somehow the movement would spell out the words. "I'm no
saint Mercy."
OH. The two letter word formed on
my mouth but didn't come out. I wanted to laugh because either I was getting a
do-over or he was one time too late for his sentiment.
Playfully, I reached for his hand
to drag him in the house. For a second, I thought he might fight me.
"Luke, I'm just getting you back. I'm not letting you go so soon."
His confusion allowed me to steer
him over the threshold. Clearly, I wasn’t winning prizes of saneness that day.
"Just stay with me okay."
I stepped away hoping my save
would work, and he wouldn’t call my mom and tell her I needed mental help. I
turned back to see that Luke hadn't taken more than two steps in the door. So I
moved to him swiftly causing a bit of wind to lift my hair in the process. I
molded myself to him and molested his mouth. Maybe that wasn't the right word,
but by god he was behaving as if he were a pious man. And he had been the one
not to claim sainthood.
Once he relaxed, I stopped and
eyed him before I began to lead the way. He followed until it became clear my
intentions.
His heels dug in, and there was
no moving the man who acted as though he bore the cross of the mountain.
"You want me to go
upstairs," he asked in disbelief.
"You act like you haven't
been there."
He shook his head and eyed me
like I had horns, which I might have. "I haven't."
"I mean," I began
trying to correct myself. I didn't know the rules of where I was. I had no idea
at what point in time I stood. "You've been to other girls' rooms
before."
"We shouldn't.” His head
moved in firm indication of his choice. “And it's not like we won't see each
other tonight."
"Tonight?"
His eyes narrowed. "Are you
sure you didn't bump your head.”
“I didn’t. I swear.”
“You’re not yourself. It's all
you girls talk about these days." When I stared at him not knowing what he
was talking about, he added, "Prom."
All of a sudden, it did feel like
I'd been hit in the head with a sledgehammer. If it was Prom, Luke was in
school, and we were going. It meant I was back to before everything went wrong.
The pain of loss was there even
though he stood in front of me because I wasn't sure what it meant. Would I
have to relive that awful day all over again or would I have a chance to change
it? Clearly things in this reality were already different. Luke and I hadn't
secretly married. But then again, it could just be a dream.
"Can you just come
upstairs?" I pleaded.
He didn't budge. He held my gaze
steadfast. "I don't have balls of steel Mercy. Not for this. Although it
feels like I have lead in my pants." He shook his head while I puzzled
after his words. "I can't believe I said that. That's something Flynn
would say." He smiled to himself before looking at me.
The smile disappeared as he read
the pain in my face. "Please, I just need you," I begged.
There was no way to explain that
he'd died only a few days before without him calling my mom to bring a
straightjacket.
It took a few beats before
acquiesced. Nothing else was said as he followed me up to my room where I
closed the door behind us. I put the keys on my desk and caught a glance at
myself in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed and my eyes red-rimmed, no wonder
he gave in.
I pushed back the mass of wavy
hair that seemed more unruly that day than ever before. I tugged a band from
around my wrist and wrangled it all into a messy bun at my nape before turning
to face my boyfriend.
He thrust his hands into his
pocket before shifting foot to foot. Then he walked to the other side of the
bed placing distance between us. "So this is your room."
I nodded and said nothing. I
didn't want to lie about anything but I also didn't know the truth. Had I been
human and had I not seen weird stuff in my life, maybe I might have an answer
to my situation? But I wasn't or at least I hadn't been.
My eyes fell on the tiny twin bed
that seemed impossibly small yet created a wide gap between us. I had grown
used to the plush queen bed in my room at Flynn's. Lying on this bed with Luke,
who might have been longer in length than it, would put us in tight quarters.
I found my nerve and just asked
for what I wanted. I had a feeling if I didn't, we would be in a staring
contest until one of us couldn't stand on two legs any longer.
"Can you just hold me for a
while?"
It took him a beat longer than I
hoped for him to agree. I sat on the bed, with him at my back before I fell
sideways and pushed up some, so my head hit the pillow. I kicked off my shoes
and the sound of them dropping to the floor was the only noise in the room. A
couple seconds later, my bed squeaked under Luke's weight. He stilled at the
sound and took several more second before he curled himself around me. It was
like lying in a cloud in heaven. With him, I’d always felt safe and loved.
The tips of his fingers landed on
my thigh. The graze of his short nails sent a shiver up my spine as they made
their way to my arm, which rested at my hip. There, he stroked my forearm up
and down in slow, measured movements until I was lulled from my riot of
emotions. I couldn’t fight the insane jealousy in the back of my mind over
Flynn with Maggie, Flynn with Morgana, Flynn with anyone but me. But then, I
was also insanely happy Luke was alive and here with me. Why did the universe
have to send me two guys to love, only for me not to be able to have either of
them?