Kevin’s smile widened. Good thing Walter loved that ridiculous grin. Then the expression grew serious, more confident than anything Walter had seen from him. “I want you to read this.” Kevin handed over a sheet of paper.
Walter sat up and reclined against the headboard, the bedsheet draped across his lower body. “What’s this?”
Kevin settled facing him, wearing black boxers with the words
Warning, Contents Are Hot
printed all over in red letters. With that underwear on, his legs folded under him, his hair disheveled and hanging in his eyes, he looked younger than he ever had. “That’s called a piece of paper. I know you tech geeks are all into computers, but you do remember paper, right? I think it was invented when you were a kid.”
“Funny.”
The heading on the printout read How to Save a Life: One Gay Man’s Coming-Out Story
by Kevin Price.
“I still have to get my editor’s final okay on it, but I wanted you to read it before it got too close to the deadline.”
Walter continued reading.
Most people don’t get abducted by a psycho when they come out of the closet, but I’ve always attracted the kind of people most everyone else manages to avoid. Sometimes it’s not a good thing. Sometimes it’s much more than a good thing.
I went to the Haven, a gay club located in the old factory district downtown, to find out the truth about what had happened to several missing men. I had no idea that club was where I’d finally fully accept the truth about myself.
I had no idea a swanky sex club hidden amid abandoned buildings would lead me to the truest moments of my life and the man I would fall in love with. I had no idea that by accepting who I was, I would save myself.
This is my coming-out story.
The rest gave the highlights of their investigation into finding the missing men and Kevin’s acceptance of what he wanted for his life along the way, as well as select details of his time with Walter.
Walter fought back emotion as he read the final line and the word
love
again. He set the paper on his lap. “This isn’t what I expected from an investigative piece.”
“My editor agreed this angle was better.” Kevin stared down at where he had a hand wrapped around each of his ankles. Another pose that had him looking much too young. “Myles is convinced it’ll sell a ton of papers. I guess a human-interest story about a gay guy finding love in a sex club is more interesting than a factual report about a serial kidnapper, rapist, and murderer. Who knew?”
Walter gestured to the paper on his lap. “This is a big way to come out.”
“It’s time. Long past time. I need to talk to my parents tonight before this hits the newsstands. I need to tell them everything—about me, about the night Jeff died.”
“That’s a good idea.” Walter cupped Kevin’s cheek in one hand. “You need to be honest with yourself and with them.” He leaned forward, kissed Kevin, a soft, chaste kiss. “I’m proud of you.”
“I owe it all to you. And Matthew.”
“Matthew?”
“Yeah, he sort of inspired me.”
Without thinking, the words shot out of Walter’s mouth. “He’s taken.”
Kevin laughed. “He’s not the one I want.”
“No? He’s awfully cute.” Walter sighed. “And young. Closer to your age.”
“So we’re back to this?” Kevin rolled his eyes. “I’ve avoided the life I’ve wanted for so long. I don’t want to waste another minute.” He moved forward and straddled Walter’s lap. “I want you. Your age doesn’t matter to me.”
Kevin was everywhere around Walter. Nothing else to focus on. No way to avoid this any longer.
“Yours matters to me.”
There were no lines at the corners of Kevin’s eyes, no wrinkles visible anywhere. The affection in those brown eyes staring back at him nearly broke Walter’s resolve. But there was also pain there. Kevin needed a friend after everything he’d been through in the last few weeks, everything he had yet to experience and learn about himself. He didn’t need the complications of a relationship—not the complications that would come from
this
relationship.
The idea of being with Kevin and only having his friendship—only being able to look, not touch, not hold, not make love to him again—had Walter immobilized. He couldn’t move or speak. How had he let such a young man into his life? His heart? How had he let himself fall for Kevin?
And yet, here he was. So damn in love with him.
But no matter what, he couldn’t drag Kevin into the inevitable future he had to offer.
“I think…I think maybe I should let you go.”
“What?” Kevin slid off his lap and onto the bed beside him, putting more distance between them than there’d been all night.
“You know what I’m feeling for you, and…” Walter held up the paper. “I know what you’re feeling for me, but I think we also both know we have to end this before it goes any farther. Before we can’t stop it.”
“I don’t believe this.” Kevin jumped out of the bed. “I don’t believe this. You’re breaking up with me? Now?”
“Did we ever establish we were dating?”
Kevin’s jaw dropped. “You know when I said I wasn’t sure if you were the nicest guy I’d ever met or a complete asshole? You just made that call a hell of a lot easier.” He went for his jeans and jerked them on. Then tugged his shirt over his head. “I figured when the time came for you to try to push me away, I’d be able to convince you that you were being stupid, but…” He shook his head. “I can’t believe after everything, after what we’ve said, what we’ve felt…” He turned away. “I can’t believe you’re really doing this now. I can’t…” Kevin shook his head again and took off down the hall.
Walter shot out of the bed, threw on a pair of underwear, and raced after him. “You’re right.”
Kevin stopped at the end of the hall but didn’t turn around.
“I’m being an ass.” Walter moved in behind him. “It’s… You’re just now coming out. You’ve never really been with anyone.”
Kevin spun around. “I’ve been with you. From the minute I walked into that club, no one else mattered. If that changes, I’ll let you know. We’ll talk about it. Like any couple would. But”—he stepped closer—“this thing between us isn’t about the sex. I mean…” He threw his arms up in an exasperated shrug. “The sex is amazing, better than I ever dreamed, but I want all of you. I want something meaningful for once in my life.”
“You don’t need me. You never did.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You and Dylan were fine without me at Prescott’s. You’ll be fine on your own. I went into this thinking you needed a safe place where you could explore who you really are. Now I see you’ll be okay”—Walter waved an arm through the air toward the apartment door—“out there. With other men. You’re ready for this, Kevin. To be out and alive like you’ve never let yourself.”
Kevin retreated until he had his back to the wall, the width of the hall separating them. “Don’t do this.”
With the hurt in his voice, Walter couldn’t stay away. He held Kevin by the arms and brought their foreheads together. “You’ve finally stopped punishing yourself for your brother’s death. You need to live for the first time in your life. Not tie yourself down to an old guy like me.”
Kevin shoved him. “You’re right, I don’t need you.” He took off.
“Wait.” Walter stopped him again before Kevin reached the door. He pulled him backward until Kevin’s back was to his chest. “Don’t go.”
“You’re breaking up with me. I get to leave. That’s how it works.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“What? You want to be friends? Not sure I’ll have time for friends, what with how busy I’ll be out fucking every gay guy in the city. That’s what you mean by live, right?” Kevin squirmed until he was free of Walter’s arms. He didn’t walk away, though. He faced him. “Did I ever give you the impression that’s the kind of guy I am? Did I ever come across as someone who’s into playing the field, going after meaningless one-night stands?”
“You looked like the kind of guy who walked into the Haven for the first time and was so turned on by all the men, he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.”
“So what? That didn’t mean I wanted to bend over for every one of them.” Kevin studied Walter. Not with the angry, disappointed glare from earlier. He was looking for something. “You know what, you’re wrong. I do need you. I need you because I want you. I need you because I’m in love with you.” He had tears in his eyes. “But if you can’t deal with that…” He blinked, and the tears streamed down his face.
“Kevin…” Walter reached for him.
Kevin shrugged him off and went for the door.
“Don’t.” Walter grabbed him from behind and pulled him close again. “God, don’t leave.”
“Let me go.” Kevin tried to take another step away, but Walter held on. “Just let me go if that’s what you really want.”
“It’s not what I want.” Walter spun him around and held Kevin’s face in his hands. “I just…I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“You’re hurting me now.”
Walter leaned in and rested his head on Kevin’s temple. He breathed deep, loving the scent of him, the warmth of his skin, and when he drew back, the trust in those eyes, even after all Walter had just said, amazed him.
Walter wanted to believe this could work. More than he’d wanted anything in his life. “I’m twenty years older than you. Don’t you get it? Don’t you get what it will be like if we’re together in five years? Ten? Twenty?”
“No. You’re so smart you can see into the future? Spell it out for me. Why can’t this work?”
“Because I’m in love with you and Gary died.”
“Okay.” Kevin leaned back against the wall, a bewildered look in his eyes as he studied Walter. “No, it’s not okay. What does that even mean? You love me, but what? You can’t be with anyone but him?”
“No. It means I know what it’s like to lose someone. I can’t put you through that.”
“You don’t have cancer.”
Walter looked off down the hall, suddenly feeling vulnerable in only his underwear.
No, he couldn’t even pretend that was the reason.
“No one can escape growing older, Kevin. You want to take care of an old guy in a wheelchair lugging around an oxygen tank while you’re still young and healthy?”
“Would you shut up? You sound ridiculous. You’re gorgeous and fit and trim and the healthiest person I know. We’re probably a lot closer in age physically. You eat better. You exercise. You had it wrong when you said all those guys at the club were hitting on you as some sort of a game. You’re an amazing-looking man who can still get guys more than twenty years younger. There’s nothing about you that comes across as old. You’re not gonna be shuffling around with a walker or in a wheelchair next week. Or next year.” Kevin pushed off the wall and pressed in close. “And even if something horrible happens and you get sick and die a year from now, or five years from now, I’d still want you today. I’d still want however many years I can have with you.” He kissed Walter at the base of his neck. “You’re so sexy. So strong.” Another openmouthed kiss to his neck. “And it’s more than that. It’s more than your body or how you look that I fell in love with.”
Walter clenched his fists at his sides to keep from giving in and touching Kevin.
Maybe Kevin sensed the hesitation. He retreated and waited for Walter to look at him. “This really isn’t about our age difference, is it? You’re pushing me away because you need to rescue someone. Because you couldn’t save him. Is that what you need from a relationship? To be with someone who’s constantly a mess, who needs you to save them over and over again?”
The words slammed into Walter as if Kevin had outright slapped him. “That’s not what I’m looking for.” He shook his head, trying to sort out his thoughts, his body still tense, ready to jump into action if he needed to stop Kevin from trying to walk out for good. “When we first started searching for those men, it might’ve partly been about making up for the people in my past I couldn’t save, but you were right there with me, doing the same damn thing. And you’re wrong. I don’t want a partner who needs rescuing like that. I want you. You’re a complete disaster, but you don’t let that or anything else stop you. You’re fearless, and I happen to admire the hell out of you. You were more afraid of admitting you were gay than anything in the world, and yet you still walked into the Haven. Because you care.”
Kevin just stood there, a goofy-ass smile on his face.
“What? Say something.”
“Partner,” Kevin said. “That’s what you want with me?”
So much for being strong when the time came to walk away. Only they were long past that time. Walter had been fooling himself to think otherwise.
“Don’t try to take it back.” Kevin slipped his arms around Walter’s waist and held on, his head on Walter’s chest. “I’m not going anywhere, no matter how much you try to push me away. This is what I want, Walter. So we have this age gap between us. Do you know how many relationships have shit to deal with? Every single one. But they deal with it. Nothing in life is perfect. Which just proves when you find something that feels this right, you can’t let fear get in the way. Because of all the shitty things that can happen in life, this—what we have—it’s worth the risk.”
Walter gave in. He wrapped his arms around Kevin and returned the embrace. He had no other options. This was it for him. “I’m supposed to be the wise one.” He ran a hand over Kevin’s back. “I thought I needed to let you go, but the truth is, I can’t watch you walk out that door. Guess I just needed a few minutes for my stubborn brain to catch up to my heart.”
“Good, because I’m not going.”
They stood there in the hall, holding on for several minutes until Walter said, “There’s something you forgot in that story of yours. You didn’t just save yourself or those men. You saved me too.”
“You weren’t the one in the cage.”
“Yeah, I was. I built it a long while back, and I was trying to hide the key from everyone. Then you came along, walked right up, and grabbed it from me.”
“I tripped over your foot first. You couldn’t ignore me after that.”
“So it was a planned trip, then?”
“Yeah, sure. Let’s go with that.” Kevin pulled him close once more.
With that one touch, Walter let all the worry and fear he’d been holding on to slip away. Kevin had made his choice.