Authors: Carol Rose
Julia felt a sinking in her stomach.
"She was twenty-eight," he said. "No history of heart problems that I knew of. No cardiac problems in her family. But there were things I should have listened to. I should have insisted she see a physician. I should have at least checked her out myself."
"But you didn't."
"No," he agreed harshly. "I was so focused on my career, on what I wanted that I didn't bother with what she wanted or needed. At the end, I just blew her off. She'd call, crying, and I'd pretend I had to answer a page. Erin loved me and I just wanted to get away from her.
"They called me from the hospital the day she collapsed," Caleb said. "She was in the ICU by the time I got there. All she could say, over and over, was how she loved me."
Compassion clogged Julia's t
hroat. She was over
whelmed with sadness for the young woman whose life had ended so tragically and filled with grief for what her death had brought to Caleb.
"If I hadn't been so selfish, so caught up in getting away from Erin, I would have picked up on her symptoms," he finished, his voice rough. "Since I had so little objectivity-"
"That's why doctors don't treat their own loved ones," Julia had to interject.
He looked at her, his face grim and unconvinced. "None of my training meant anything. It was as if everything I learned in med school, internship and residency hadn't sunk in. I walked away from medicine then. I'm not fit to function in that capacity, to take the responsibility for human lives."
"Don't be ridiculous." She reached her hand out, imploring. "What happened with Erin doesn't mean you'd do everything all the same way again."
"Try to understand, Julia," he ground out. "I haven't ever been the kind of man who gives to others. I can't take responsibility for a woman's happiness."
"I understand." She comprehended more than he did, saw how a man could punish himself for an untenable situation. If he'd been a less honorable man, he would have weathered the woman's death more easily. He saw himself as a failure, unable to keep harm away from those who relied on him.
Julia knew different. Even physicians had their limits. They made mistakes every day. Perhaps he could have been more honest with Erin, but that could be said of thousands of people.
She couldn't pretend that he'd been an angel. Caleb was all too human for that. Maybe he had been insensitive, more concerned with his own needs at that moment than with Erin's. But his own judgment of his part in her death seemed harsh.
Caleb didn't deserve the punishment he'd set for himself, this self-imposed isolation from everything important. He'd even condemned himself to living a gypsy's life in a tiny trailer.
Except that he had her now...
and the home he'd built for her. Opening up to her this way had to have taken great courage. Surely this was Caleb's first step on the road back to his life.
Brushing aside their discarded plates and cutlery, Julia wrapped her arms around him, burrowing her head in his neck. "Oh, Caleb, I'm so glad you told me."
Lifting her face to his, she kissed him, softly at first, a reward for trusting her with his pain. Then, as her body nestled against his, she layered her lips against his mouth with all the urgency of her love for him.
He was wrong about himself, but he couldn't hear her words. Touch would have to do. No matter what it took, Caleb would forgive himself. She'd accept nothing less.
Caleb didn't even think of pushing her away. Hungry kiss following kiss, he sank into his yearning for her touch. Cupping her breast through her dress, he drew her up against him. She felt like heaven, softly scented and urgent for his touch.
He'd tried to tell her, to warn her. There was only so much a man could sacrifice.
Crushing Julia back against the tablecloth, he gave up on eternal redemption and settled for a temporary paradise on earth.
*
"I really appreciate your coming with me to the hospital fundraiser," Julia said, watching Caleb's profile across the cab of the truck. He looked rugged in the dim light, his features shadowed and brooding.
"No problem," he said, making a turn. "You're not getting much of a deal if the man you're sleeping with can't be your escort every now and then."
Julia laughed. "Don't worry. I get a lot out of sleeping with you."
Caleb flashed her a sardonic, smoldering smile. She'd been surprised and hopeful when he'd agreed to come with her tonight. In the last two weeks, she'd realized that he had to come to terms with his choice to leave medicine. He needed to see that Erin's death had been a terrible misfortune, unexpected and unpredictable.
Going to the hospital fundraiser with her didn't mean he'd suddenly resolved his conflicts over the relationship with Erin, but it was a small step toward closure. The direction of his resolve wasn't the important thing. He had to choose his future for himself. Julia thought Caleb would be an excellent physician, but if he chose to work in log construction for the rest of his life, so be it. She'd love him no matter what he did.
Julia let her gaze wander over him. He sure cleaned up good. She suspected his tuxedo was a leftover from his previous life since he'd have little need for one now. The jacket was obviously well-made, if a little snug in the shoulders. He had to have built muscle since he started working construction.
She'd had ample time to enjoy the honed perfection of his body, over and over the last few weeks. He'd come home to her bed every night and stayed there till dawn, much to her delight.
He'd spoken little, said nothing more about his past, but Julia wasn't worried. Caleb's every touch, his surprisingly considerate manner, showed her how important she was to him.
If she'd ever had fleeting doubts, they were laid to rest by the memory of his pouring his heart out to her on the bluff behind the house. It had taken a leap of faith for a man as self-reliant as Caleb to entrust her with his deepest tragedy.
Even if he'd been less than forthcoming in the last few weeks, she'd seen more of his emotion. In occasional moments when he didn't know she was paying attention, there had been flashes of despair in his eyes.
But tonight was a victory for them both, just for him to come with her and mingle with the medical community.
Caleb turned the truck into the hotel parking lot and quickly found a spot.
"Ready to go, beautiful?" He opened the door and held out his hand to pull her after him.
"Absolutely." Julia slid under the steering wheel and climbed down as gracefully as her heels and skirt would allow.
The hotel lobby glittered
with sequins and satin, well-
dressed men with Rolex watches and women in diamonds and pearls.
Julia eagerly led Caleb through the throng, stopping to greet one or two people she knew. In each conversation, she introduced Caleb, hoping to make him more comfortable.
"So nice to meet you." The hospital registrar eyed Caleb with barely-concealed appreciation. "Have you always lived in this area?"
"Yes, ma'am," he said to the older woman, a smile playing on his lips. ''I'm a native Texan."
"Then it's true what they say about everything being better in Texas." She fluttered heavily mascaraed lashes.
"How nice of you," he said, "but I believe the saying is that everything is bigger in Texas."
''I'll bet it is," the woman agreed.
"Well, we need to find a few other people," Julia said, amused by the interchange. The other woman's flirting didn't bother her at all. Just seeing Caleb so at ease in this setting would be worth his being fawned over by a horde of women.
The ballroom was filled with people-
-
some she knew, but more she didn't. The talking throng balanced drinks in their hands and clustered around tables piled with refreshment.
"Looks like we have a good turnout," she said, leaning closer to be heard above the din.
"Let's go network. You lead, I'll follow." Caleb's big hand slid over her bare shoulders.
In a rush of love, she brushed a kiss on his lips. Caleb's grip tighten
ed momentarily, his eyes going
dark.
"What was that for?" he asked lazily.
''I'm just so glad you're here."
"Good." His gaze searched her face before he smiled. "Come on, you have to make the rounds. Good politics and all."
Holding his hand, she turned back to the crowd and they slowly crossed the room, weaving between clusters of people.
Stopping to speak to several physicians she worked with, Julia was very aware of Caleb at her side. He constantly amazed her. Where had this suave, charming man come from?
He smiled at everyone she introduced him to, chatting and trading comments about the local sports scene.
This was how she'd known he could be, comfortable in his skin, at peace with himself.
Slipping through an opening between two groups, Julia found herself face to face with Roland Demarest, the head of surgery at St. Paul.
If she could have turned the other way without him seeing her, she would have. The memory of Roland's potshots at Caleb the night of his parents' barbecue still made Julia seethe. There was no avoiding him, however.
"Dr. Adams," Demarest smiled tightly at her. "How nice to see you."
"Dr. Demarest," Julia acknowledged, her smile just as false.
She sensed Caleb standing behind her and felt an absurd urge to keep him there, as if she could somehow shield him from the other man's maliciousness.
But there was no need for her anxiety. Caleb was the bigger man in more ways than one.
“You remember Caleb Hayden," Julia said, shifting to allow him to step forward. She'd have loved to have introduced him as
Doctor Hayden
, but she knew he wasn't quite ready for that.
"Of course," Roland said, cool dislike in his eyes.
"Demarest." Caleb nodded, not offering his hand.
"You must let me introduce my lovely date," Roland said, drawing their attention to the shapely young woman at his side. "Tiffany, this is Dr. Adams and Mr. Hayden."
The designation was obviously intended as an insult, although Caleb didn't blink at it, giving no indication that he was aware of the other man's dismissive tone.
"Nice to meet you," Caleb said to the girl, his voice pleasant.
What had made her think he'd be stressed out by coming here this evening? The man was smooth as butter, relaxed and unflappable. The last time he'd been in a social setting of primarily physicians, he'd seemed tense and angry. Tonight, she saw Caleb at ease.
She could have kissed him right then and there. He'd come such a long way in so short a time.
Julia threaded her arm through his, leaning ever so slightly against Caleb's strength. "'Will you excuse us? There's someone I want to introduce to Caleb."
With their arms still linked, they walked away.
"Roland Demarest is a snake with a bad hair-implant job," she said, keeping her voice low. "He's the kind of guy who drives a fifty-thousand-dollar sports car and calls his juvenile dates, 'Baby'."
Caleb's laugh was low and easy. "You can be quite a viper, yourself. I like that in a woman."
"Thank you."
He paused. "Would you like a drink?"
"That would be nice."
''I'll be right back," he promised.
Julia watched him go, so in love she could hardly keep from tearing up.
'Julia! "
She turned at the sound of her name. "Sam! How are you? I haven't seen you in months."
The older man greeted her with an enthusiastic bear hug. "You look wonderful."
"So do you, Sam. How are things among the high and mighty?"
"Don't sass me," her friend admonished. "Just because I'm on the hospital board--"
"Several hospital boards," Julia interjected playfully. "And highly respected by your peers."
"Not enough to be noticed," Sam snorted, "How's your house coming along?"
"Very well. I'll be able to move in next month and I look forward to having you and Ruth over for dinner."
"Sounds great."
"Where is Ruth?"
Sam made a wry face. "Visiting our daughter or I'd have dragged her along tonight. You know how much she loves this sort of thing."
"Yes," Julia acknowledged, laughing. Ruth's views on the political aspects of the medical community were well known to her friends.
Sam looked around. "Don't tell me you're alone. You can't be dressed this fabulously for a bunch of old men like me."
"As it happens," Julia said demurely, "I do have an escort."
She turned towards the bar, spotting Caleb making his way through the crowd. "There he is."
"Caleb? You got Caleb Hayden to one of these things?"
Before she could recover from her surprise at Sam Goldstein knowing Caleb, he arrived at her side and handed her a drink.
"Caleb!" Sam's handshake was hearty. "How are you, boy?"