Authors: Carol Rose
''I'm fine, Sam." Caleb greeted the older man with a wry humor that suddenly struck Julia as more genuine than his response to all the others he'd met tonight. "I should have known you two were previously acquainted," she said.
"Of course, you should," Sam agreed. ''I've known his family since he was in diapers. So how's the log-construction business?"
Julia stood watching the unexpected reunion with a tangle of emotions in her chest, tenderness and excitement, and a breathless hopefulness.
"Listen, son," Sam said quietly. "I know your father didn't understand your decision to quit doctoring. With your family background, I guess I can see that. But I think what you did took courage. You felt bad about the direction your life had taken and you needed to change things."
Caleb's expression changed to one of brief surprise, then sudden warmth. He clasped a hand on Sam's shoulder. "Thanks."
The older man shook his head. "I said I understood. I didn't say I agreed with it. You were a hell of a physician, boy. If you want to stay doing what you're doing, okay. But if you ever want to take another shot at working with the sick, give me a call. I might be able to smooth your path."
Julia saw Caleb's eyes widen; Sam's offer was obviously unexpected. Was there a glimmer of confusion in his expression? In that instant, she fancied she saw just enough doubt to convince her that Caleb had some question about his future.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Julia sat down on the deck railing, shading her eyes against the fierce July sun as she surveyed the progress on the house. Construction continued around her, men's voices ringing out from the roof and back of the house.
Having several well-timed patient cancellations had enabled her to drop by the house to entice Caleb to take her to lunch.
Despite the heat, the day seemed beautiful. She had been walking on air since the hospital fundraiser two days before. She didn't know what stroke of luck had brought Sam Goldstein to that exact spot, but his offer to help smooth Caleb's reentry into medicine was the answer to her prayers.
The fact that Caleb hadn't said anything about Sam's offer worried her, but she supposed he was processing everything.
She loved him more than she could understand. The emotion filtered through every part of her, coloring her days with a golden sheen of contentment.
When she'd walked up, he'd been so engrossed in giving instructions, she wasn't sure he'd seen her.
The heavy front door stood open in deference to the heat. Julia got up and wandered into the house, eager to see each new step in building her dream.
The house was close to completion, with only two or three weeks of details left to finish.
As she stood admiring the soaring ceiling and the open loft, she heard footsteps from the back of the house. Dan, Caleb's right hand man, appeared in the hall doorway, his loaded tool belt clanking.
"Hey, Doc. How's it looking?" The short, dark-haired man gestured toward the stairway and newly-finished loft railing.
"Beautiful. You guys are doing a wonderful job."
Dan pushed back his cap. "We aim to please. But Caleb really deserves most of the credit."
Julia felt her smile widen. "He is an amazing man."
"Yes, indeed. Cal's got a real knack for this type of construction. Kind of a technical angle most guys miss."
She glanced around the room again, her love for Caleb mingled with a real appreciation for his skills. It was almost sad that he couldn't do this and be a doctor, too.
"You were real fortunate to get him for this," Dan commented. "Not many have his experience with log construction. I guess that's why he's been getting lots of job offers lately."
"Job offers?" She hadn't heard anything about. ...
Dan laughed. "Yeah. I really hate the guy for taking Massey's offer. Alaska! Who wants to freeze his butt off?"
"Alaska?" Julia's lips felt numb.
"I wish he'd taken the job in Austin or even the one in Santa Fe. I maybe could have gone with him and come home to the wife and kids on the weekends. But Alaska?" Dan shook his head, laughing. "That's just too damn far. And it's a huge job, some sort of hotel. They asked him for a three year commitment. I guess the project is already underway. So cold up there, they have to do the foundation work before heavy weather sets in."
The buzzing in Julia's ears was similar to the time she'd been sick and gotten out of bed too soon as a child. She could feel the dizziness, the darkening of the room.
So Caleb was leaving. He'd never planned to stay with her.
"Well," Dan said, hitching his belt, "gotta get back to work. See you later."
Julia made no response, her entire system in shock.
Putting out a hand to steady herself against the wall, she stared ahead without really seeing. He was leaving. Just like that. When had he planned to tell her? Would he have just handed her the key to the door one day and driven off?
She felt herself shiver in the heat. Was he planning to kiss her goodbye or just wave as he walked away? Oh, God. Had he planned to make love to her tonight and every night for the next two weeks without saying anything?
She'd had sex with him in the beginning with no coherent awareness of her love for him. Now she couldn'
t bear the thought of his touch...
without love.
Emotion tightened her throat, her breath raspy with tears.
The sound of Caleb's voice just outside the window made her jump. He must have come off the roof.
Julia scurried to the front door. She couldn't see him now, couldn't let him see
her
right now.
With an almost hunted sensation, she crossed the deck and flew down the steps. She had to get to her car, had to get away from him. Somewhere there was a corner, a place to hide her grief until she could come to grips with it.
Caleb didn't love her, wouldn't let himself love her, and at this moment, the pain of knowing that seemed more unbearable than death.
Getting into her car, Julia drove away, glancing behind her. She drove to her apartment automatically. Parking her car, she walked inside, scrupulously locking the door behind her.
Finding herself in the tiny kitchen, Julia began unloading every piece of crockery from the cabinets, every plate and bowl.
Suddenly, she was furious.
One by one, Julia flun
g the plates to the floor, the
growing pile of shards crunching under her feet.
How dare he!
Crash.
The sleazy, sex-obsessed jerk!
Smash.
All along, he'd just wanted to get into her pants!
Two more plates hit the floor, shattering, pieces bouncing off the cabinets and her legs.
Devious! Seductive! Bastard!
The breakage of crockery punctuated every epithet. He must have walked away from her that night after his parents' barbecue just to get her hooked. It was all a sick, sick game to him!
A coffee cup bounced off the pile and rolled to one side, intact Julia picked it up and heaved it down again, where it shattered against the floor, the handle bouncing off her leg.
He was a liar, a cheat, a...
lousy jerk.
She leaned against the countertop, sobs wrenching her body. Caleb had walked into her life, snagging her heart like a thief.
He'd rescued her from a mud puddle, comforted and understood her. Set her up to love him and then taken a piece of her soul. And planned to leave all along. How could he not love her?
Sliding down to the floor, Julia leaned her head back against a cabinet, ignoring the broken crockery all around her.
Okay, she admitted dully. He hadn't lied to her. Not really. He'd never promised her anything but good sex and that was a guarantee he'd more than fulfilled.
Only for her it had meant so much more.
And to him, too
, her tired brain insisted.
Julia scrubbed a hand across her swollen eyes. From that first night when he could have stayed with her and didn't, she'd known there was more to Caleb than he gave himself credit for.
He
had
rescued her. Comforted her. Touched her with a soul-deep power that went beyond the hunger of their bodies.
Maybe she had been right about him all along. Maybe he was a good man traumatized by the past. Except, perhaps, he wasn't as close to forgiving himself as she'd hoped.
With a deep sigh, she leaned her head back against the cabinet. He might care for her on some level, but that didn't change much. If Caleb was still running from his unhappy memories, they had no future.
No one could heal a heart that wouldn't be mended. Even if he loved her, Caleb wouldn't let himself be happy.
And that made her angrier than she'd ever been in her life.
She felt cheated, tantalized by the promise of heaven, just close enough to know how far away it was. Caleb had told himself he couldn't love. She knew he was afraid.
*
Caleb hung his towel over the shower curtain rod and stepped naked into the trailer's sleeping area. The day had been hot and long, the temperature building each day as July slid into August.
In a few weeks, the job would be complete and he'd have no more excuses for staying. Alaska would be cooler, but he couldn't find any enthusiasm for going there.
It was away, that's all. One more stop in the life he'd chosen. One more place to go.
But tonight, he'd lie with Julia, make love to her luscious, soft body and sleep, soothed by her serenity.
How amazing that he'd found an oasis of peace with this woman, a doctor of all people.
Dressing quickly, he envisioned her waiting for him at her apartment. She'd have changed into shorts, her slim legs and feet bare. Caleb felt his pulse quickening in anticipation.
Maybe they'd make love first, then order in Chinese food and lie naked on her bed to eat.
She'd tell him about her day, about the patients she'd seen.
He'd almost gotten used to it, the recital of things medical. Not that she talked about the procedures much. Julia saw her patients as people. She talked about them.
In a bizarre way, he'd come to look forward to hearing her talk about her life as a physician. Almost like an ex-smoker enjoying the occasional puff from someone else's cigarette. You knew you'd quit, that you weren't going back. It was bad for him. Deadly. But he inhaled it just the same, feeling both fulfillment and a craving for more.
He'd loved being a doctor, loved indulging his fascination for the workings of the human body. But all that was behind him.
Enjoying this moment in time was okay, as long as he knew it would end. He'd soak up every second of loving, every stolen fraction of happiness. And then he'd leave.
Caleb was threading a belt around his waist when he heard the knock on the trailer door.
He frowned. His men had left over a half hour ago. Opening the door, he saw Julia standing there.
"Hey. Come on in. I thought I was coming to your place. "
She climbed the step and brushed past him wordlessly.
Perplexed, Caleb turned, studying her. She looked pale, her face set. Were her eyes pink? She'd been crying?
"Did you have another death?" he asked, the words out before he knew it.
She looked up at him, the rigid set to her jaw unfamiliar. "No. Not unless you count the death of my illusions. "
"What?"
"Dan told me about the Alaska job."
Caleb felt himself turning to rock, his body instantly tight. So she knew. It hadn't been a secret, nothing to be kept quiet, but he found himself wanting to strangle Dan.
"Oh.” Caleb watched her, now seeing the anger and hurt in her face, in the stiffness of her body. Guilt stabbed him, harsh and gut-wrenching. He shouldn't have taken what she'd offered, shouldn't have allowed this to happen.
And yet even as the thought surfaced, he knew he couldn't have resisted. She'd offered too much, everything he'd needed for so long, so much he'd never had.
Like an unrepentant sinner, he still wanted her, still needed the heat, the warmth she held. Even now, he just wanted to take her into his arms and hold her.
"Why don't you sit down," Julia suggested, clearly not interested in his affection.
Caleb sat. It was the least he could do after robbing the woman of her virginity and bruising her heart.
"I have some things I need to say." Her voice was calm, but her face seemed devoid of expression.
Still, Caleb found himself hoping that her lack of emotion meant he'd only brushed the surface. Maybe she wouldn't hurt too long, wouldn't hate him much.
"I love you," she said, the words thrown out like a challenge, echoing in the trailer's tin-can space. "More than I've ever loved anyone."
Loved him?
All he could do was look at her, a sudden upwelling of real feeling in his chest. Anger
, resentment, denial, guilt...
and the tiniest surge of joy.