Authors: Debra Kayn
Trace
moved toward her, and she stepped back. Her heart raced, and her inner body
temperature skyrocketed. She was sure her face had gone from white to scarlet,
and that was never a good look for someone with red hair. Irritated that she'd
shown him how much his closeness affected her, she grabbed Brody.
"Wanna
go swimming?" She tugged his arm and hoped he figured out the look she
cast his way was one of desperation.
"You
don't have to ask me twice." Brody wrapped his arm around her waist and
taking her with him, sailed through the air into the pool.
When
she kicked free and surfaced, Brody was laughing. She turned her back to Trace
on the pool's edge, and hissed.
"You
could've let me remove my clothes first." She glared.
Brody
splashed her face. "You were the one who asked me to take you
swimming."
She
swam until her feet hit the bottom of the pool. Keeping her back to Trace, who
she could feel staring at her, she struggled with getting her wet tank over her
head. Once free of the material, she unzipped her shorts and pushed them down
until they were off.
"Here,
I'll take your clothes. It's the least I can do." Brody held out his
hands.
She
gave the items to Brody. He tossed them out of the pool, and she watched her
clothes land with a splat. She rolled her eyes. If he weren't so charming, she
would have smacked him.
She
shook her head. "What a gentleman…"
Brody
swam in front of her, grabbed her around the waist, and whispered, "Yeah,
and it's driving Trace crazy. He's glaring daggers at me. If I get out of the
pool, he'll probably deck me."
"He
would not." She stiffened. "You're trying to make him jealous?"
Brody
winked.
She
raised her hand out of the water and patted his cheek. "That's really nice
of you, but Trace gave up on me. I'm afraid all your attempts are for
nothing."
"Oh
yeah?" He motioned his head to the side. "See for yourself."
Not
wanting to but unable to deny her curiosity, she glanced over her shoulder. She
bit down on her lip. Just because Trace was sitting in a chair, staring at the
two of them, didn't mean anything. Where else would he be looking at a pool
party?
Twenty
minutes later, Joan sat beside Katie on the chaise lounge. Balancing a plate
heaped with food, she concentrated on not spilling any of the juicy hamburger
down the front of her.
"I'll
be flying out of town on Tuesday." Devon took another bite of burger,
chewed and swallowed. "I should be back on Thursday. We can meet in the
afternoon and go over the Hanson proposal if everyone's free."
Brody
nodded. Joan picked up her glass, interested in their lives even though she no
longer lived with them.
"I
can't. I'm busy," Trace said.
Joan
whipped around and frowned. She knew Trace's schedule inside and out. He went
to the reservation on Monday, Wednesdays, and sometimes on Saturdays. Two days
a month he did farm visits to report new sales, but those were done on
Tuesdays.
Devon
sat back. "You're sticking with it, huh? What is this the third time you've
seen her?"
"Yeah.
Things are going better than I expected." Trace straightened his legs.
"How about we meet on Sunday?"
They
all agreed, and resumed eating. Joan stared down at her plate. She told herself
it was none of her business what Trace was doing, but Devon had said
her
as if he was meeting a woman. Anger and jealousy reared up inside of her. She
shoved her plate onto Katie's lap.
Katie
fumbled with both plates. "Hey!"
Joan
stood. "Excuse me."
She
hurried into the house, padded through the kitchen, and headed straight to the
bedroom she used when she lived at Lakota ranch. Shutting the door, she paced
the length of the room. She couldn't believe it. Trace was seeing someone else.
Chapter Thirty-Two
A
soft knock ended Joan's fit of disappointment. She ran her hands over her face
and swiped her fingers underneath her eyes. Embarrassed to have escaped the
barbecue and hidden in the house, she inhaled a steadying breath and went to
open the door.
She
turned the handle and pulled. "Sorry, I had something in my eye—"
"Joan."
Trace.
"I
think it's time for Katie and me to go home." She stepped forward, but
Trace blocked her exit. "Trace. There's nothing we need to say to each
other. I-I thought I could come here and enjoy a night with everyone, the way I
used to, but I think it's better if I go now."
"Can
we talk?" He slipped his hand into hers. "Please."
He
led her to the bed. She perched on the edge, remembering what it was like the
last time Trace had come inside this room with her. Against her control, tears
blurred her vision but she refused to let them fall.
They'd
created something special and unique in this room. Even now, holding hands, she
could transport herself right back to the beginning when she couldn't get
enough of him. She longed for the closeness. Most of all, she missed him
terribly.
"I
wanted to explain to you what is going on with me, but Devon let the secret
slip out." He let his chin drop to his chest, and brought her hand to his
lap and held her fingers with both of his hands. "I've missed having your
hand in mine. I've missed you."
She
remained silent. If he expected to remain friends with her, while he moved on
to someone new, he had better get that stupid idea out of his head. Seeing him,
knowing he was loving someone else would kill her.
She
wanted to deny how much he meant to her after the way he treated her, but she'd
only be lying to herself.
"A
lot has happened to me since you left the ranch." He gazed down at their
linked hands. "I pushed you away, because I was resentful and greedy. I
wanted you to myself, and I couldn't handle the thought of you going to the
reservation and helping my people when I'd chosen my whole life to stand back
and ignore my heritage."
She
frowned. "That's not true—"
"It
is." He stroked her thumb. "I associated everything I believed in on
how my father treated me. I let jealousy, anger, and my ego control my actions,
and because of that, I was turning into my father. I scared you away, not only
to protect you, but also to protect myself. I didn't recognize the person I'd
become. I scared myself."
"Oh
Trace. You're human. You've done so much with your life. There's no part of
your father inside you." Joan leaned her head on his shoulder.
"I
hope you're right. Most days I know I'm nothing like him." He kissed the
top of her head. "Most of all, I'm learning how to have empathy for others
and see how my refusal to compromise hurts those I love."
She
straightened. No matter how much she tried to muster up the energy to hate the
person who was able to make him see how worthy he was of love, she couldn't.
Jealousy tore through her, but she was happy for Trace. He could go on and be
happy.
"I'm
glad you're learning how to communicate and share your feelings, Trace."
She pulled away, got off the bed, and stepped to the window. She wouldn't spoil
the last time they saw each other by breaking down in front of him.
"You're
a wonderful man, and you deserve everything you desire," she whispered.
Trace
joined her and swiveled her around until she faced him. He cupped her face with
his hands. "I want you. It's always been you for me."
The
tears rolled down her cheeks, and she tried to shake her head, to deny what he
was saying. "Don't do this to me, Trace. You've found someone else…let her
make you happy. I can't go on like this. Y-you mean too much to me."
He
recoiled as if she'd slapped him. "There's no one else in my life,
Joan."
"I
heard Devon." She furiously wiped her cheeks and sniffed. "If you're
telling the truth about making changes in your life, then don't lie to
me."
"I'm
not." He flung his hair behind his shoulders. "There's never been
another person in my life since you walked in the front door and stole my
heart."
She
groaned and squeezed her eyes shut. "God, Trace. You said you were meeting
her Thursday, and that it'll be the third time you've gone out."
Trace
wrapped her in his arms. She pushed against him, crying in earnest now. Why did
love have to hurt so much?
"Listen
to me." Traced stroked the back of her head, holding her to his chest.
"For the last three weeks, I've gone into Durham to see a counselor who
deals with childhood abuse. That's who the new woman in my life is, Joan. A
doctor. Her name is Dr. Ramona Sanchez. I'm serious when I tell you I want to
change. I never ever want to have another moment when you, Katie, or someone I
love, walks up behind me and I freak out like I did at the pool a few months
ago. I need to let go, and learn how to deal with my inferior thoughts."
She
clung to him. "A doctor?"
"Yes."
Trace leaned her back. "I can't give all the credit to her for helping me.
Thunderbolt was the first one who showed me how stupid I've been."
She
sniffled. "That mean horse?"
"Yeah."
He smiled softly. "I rode him, Joan. It was the most exhilarating
experience I've ever had on the back of a horse. For twenty-four hours, I stood
inside his pen. I swear, by the end of the night, we were having long
conversations together in our heads, telling each other our dreams and I found
understanding. By the time the next night rolled around, I pulled myself up on
his back and he accepted me."
She
shuddered. "Oh my God. You could've been killed."
He
shook his head. "No. Thunderbolt respected me, and found me worthy of
riding him."
She
sucked in her breath. "Trace…"
"Thunderbolt
gave me a gift I could only repay by letting him go home," he said.
"He's
gone?" Her mouth opened. "Why? I thought this was your dream horse.
The one that would be the stud to all future horses on Lakota ranch."
"We
rode over the land together. I gave him the lead and he led me back to where he
wanted to go. I've never been on such a fast, powerful horse. When we came to
the little rise where Lakota ranch merges with the land of my people,
Thunderbolt hesitated and came to a stop." Trace's voice softened and his
eyes grew damp. "Down below us was the herd of horses he was running with
when I captured him. Thunderbolt stood stiff, responding to his new way of life
as a man's horse, but I wanted to give him his freedom."
"Oh,
Trace." She wiped his face free of tears.
"I
slipped off of him, and he hesitated long enough to make up his own mind. You
see, we'd bonded in a way I can't even explain but in the end, I knew I
couldn't ask him to give up his life for me and I told him to go." He blew
out his breath. "Before he reached the herd, a mare broke off from the
group and ran to meet him. It was his mate. This whole time, he only fought me
because he had someone to love waiting for him. He knew the best way to make
his way back into her life was to conform to the rules I set."
Trace
stared down into her face. "I will battle my past, Joan, just like
Thunderbolt. I'm seeking help, and I know I have a ways to go yet, but I want
you in my life. I love you. I don't want the evil parts of my past to win over
the humility, kindness, and truth that is inside of me. For the first time in
my life, I want to be a better man. Not for you. Not for Thunderbolt. Not for
some doctor who knows the right words to say. I want to be worthy of accepting
your love and giving you my love in return."
She
remained in his arms. Her hands shook as she stroked his face. "Say it
again."
"I
love you, Joan O'Hanlon." He kissed her lips softly.
She
sobbed. "Again."
"I
love you."
Wrapping
her arms around his neck, she kissed him back deeply. "I love you too, and
I'll spend every second making sure you know I do."
Before
she could manage to wrap her head around what was happening, he'd gathered her
up in his arms and sat down on the edge of the bed. A slow, delicious ache
fluttered to life inside her, and she ran her hands over his broad shoulders.
He
made a low sound and deepened the kiss, his mouth soft yet purposeful on hers,
and she forgot about being shut in the room while the others were outside
probably wondering where they'd disappeared. The frustrations of the last few
weeks melted away with each swipe of his tongue.
He
was strong, gorgeous, and hers. She relaxed around him, leaning against the
strong wall of muscles. She basked in the knowledge that their love would grow
and blossom as they both let go of their insecurities and trusted in one
another.
Trace
had her wet and wanting with one incredible kiss. She shivered as his mouth
explored hers, caressed it, not missing a spot. He used exactly the right
pressure to make her squirm for more, not too hard, not too soft, but persistent
and in control, turning her bones to liquid, and setting her insides to
fluttering.