Authors: John Robbins
There are clearly forces at work in the modern world that separate us from one another and lead to a sense of alienation. As I’ve come to appreciate how crucial our relationships with each other are to our health and well-being, I’ve grown in compassion for the emptiness that besets so many lives. And I’ve better understood why even people who take excellent care of their diet and exercise can still at times fall prey to illness. The isolation and loneliness of our times are not merely emotional realities. They take a profound toll on every cell in our bodies.
How many of us numb ourselves with cigarettes, tranquilizers, drugs, alcohol, or unhealthful diets in an effort to escape how isolated we feel? How many of us become chronic workaholics or become
preoccupied by other unhealthy obsessions in an attempt to avoid the inner barrenness caused by the breakdown of relationships, family, and community?
When a psychologist recorded how many times couples in cafés casually touched each other in an hour, the results were revealing. In some traditional cultures, couples touched each other as many as 180 times per hour. In the United States, on the other hand, couples touched each other only twice per hour. In London, it was zero.
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Of course, the issue of touching and personal space is experienced quite differently in different cultures, and this study may not be a reliable indicator of personal connection. But as human beings, we thrive when we get enough positive physical contact, and we wither when we don’t. Touch is one of the most basic forms of communication between people.
On October 17, 1995, twin girls were born at Massachusetts Memorial Hospital in Worcester. They were extremely premature, and weighed only two pounds. They were placed in their respective incubators in the newborn intensive care unit. After a week, one was doing well, but the other was struggling with a host of problems including breathing difficulties, troubling blood oxygen levels, and heart rate aberrations. At least one nurse did not expect her to live. But then another hospital nurse, Gayle Kasparian, did something that was against the hospital rules. She placed the babies together in one incubator. Almost immediately, the healthier of the two baby girls wrapped an arm around her sister. When she did, it was as though a miracle had happened. The smaller baby’s blood oxygen saturation levels, which had been frighteningly low, began to rise. As her breathing improved, her frantic movements subsided, her heart rate stabilized, and her temperature returned to normal. In the days and weeks that followed, she continued to improve and thrive. The doctors later said the turning point was clearly when the twins were placed together.
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In the years since, the cobedding of premature twins has thankfully become standard practice in more and more hospitals.
Another technique that has been found to be extremely helpful with premature infants is called “kangaroo care.” The practice involves prolonged skin-to-skin contact between parent and infant,
and has repeatedly been shown to have critical benefits for the little ones, producing better digestion, a steadier heart rate, improved breathing, greater contentment, and deeper sleep.
Of course, it’s common sense to recognize that babies need to be held and touched. But it’s not just babies. I don’t think we ever outgrow the need for affectionate and respectful human contact. One of the most insightful and effective therapists I’ve had the pleasure to know, Virginia Satir, used to say that regardless of your age, “four hugs a day are necessary for survival, eight are good for maintenance, and twelve for growth.”
Among the exceptionally healthy and long-lived peoples of the world, touching, hugging, and other forms of respectful and affectionate contact are common daily experiences throughout all phases of their lives.
Of course, these peoples still experience psychological and social struggles. They have their share of hardships, and sometimes more than their share. But they do not undergo the kind of debilitating loneliness and social turmoil that are unfortunately becoming increasingly prevalent today in the West. When they suffer, they can count on the support and friendship of others who know them deeply and are concerned for them. They have friends, neighbors, and relatives who will smile at them when they are sad, reach out to them when they feel most alone, and care for them as they age.
The more I’ve come to understand how important caring relationships are to healthy aging, the more my heart goes out to those elders who do not have a web of connectedness with others to draw on for support. Though it is not impossible, I see how difficult it can be in modern Western culture to begin creating meaningful relationships late in life. It can be a painful and lonely experience to be old and alone, with no one who knew you before.
In New Jersey recently, an 84-year-old man died alone in his apartment. His rent, cable TV, phone, gas, and electric bill payments continued to be automatically deducted from his bank account. This went on for more than two years without anyone’s realizing he had
died, until a neighbor had a visit from a blind woman with a Seeing Eye dog and the dog’s behavior alerted them that something was amiss next door, leading to the discovery of the man’s body.
While this is an extreme instance, it is regrettably not a cultural anomaly. Today, a painfully high percentage of American elders live alone, spending their hours and days watching TV by themselves. Many residents of nursing homes go years without seeing a child. Their only human contact may be other old people and their care-givers. They may feel that they mean nothing to anyone, that no one loves them and that their love doesn’t matter to anyone. Meanwhile a small but sadly growing number of American children have never met their grandparents. There is something very wrong with this picture.
And it’s not just the United States. Italy has long been renowned as a family-centered society. But in 2005, Italian physicians said that thousands of Italian grandparents had spent a lonely Christmas in hospitals because their families did not want them at home. Roberto Messina, head of a Rome-based charity for elderly people, spoke of the pain experienced by elders who know they are unwanted. “The saddest thing is when an old person remains alone during visiting hours,” he said. “They pull the covers up, close their eyes and pretend to be asleep, but in reality they are crying and clenching their teeth.”
The loneliness of elders in the modern world today is sometimes so profound that they literally die of broken hearts. In the world’s most long-lived and healthy societies, on the other hand, elders are never shut away from the unfolding of life. Instead, they are part of extended families and continually have opportunities for mutually nourishing contact with younger generations. In Okinawa, sibling rivalries can become most heated over who will get to take care of their aging parents.
An elder Abkhasian woman who was famous for knowing many curses was asked what was the most terrifying curse that can be placed on a human being. Her answer, the worst curse she could imagine, was this: “Let there be no old folks in your house to give you wise counsel, and no young people to heed their advice.”
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Although I did not know my own grandparents very well, I consider myself extremely fortunate now to live in a harmonious three-generation household. Not everyone in the contemporary world has this opportunity, of course, and I feel grateful to have so much compatibility and alignment among the members of my current family. I live with my wife, Deo (we’ve been married forty years), our 33-year-old son, Ocean, his wife of thirteen years, Michele, and their twin five-year-old sons, River and Bodhi. We all feel greatly enriched by the arrangement. Deo and I do not think of Michele as our daughter-in-law, but as our daughter-in-love. We couldn’t love her more if she were our biological daughter.
I’m sure that raising twins is a handful and a half in the first place, but River and Bodhi were born two and a half months premature and have had many special needs. You’ve probably heard the expression that it takes a village to raise a child. In this kind of situation, I sometimes think we need two villages.
But with four “parents” in the house, and many friends who also help out, we seek to provide the little guys with as much undivided attention and unconditional love as we can. Deo and I both love playing with the twins, and Deo, in particular, puts in a terrific number of hours, for which Michele and Ocean are tremendously grateful. They both work from a home office, and are co-presidents of an extraordinary nonprofit organization (
www.yesworld.org
).
One day, Michele was reflecting on how thankful she felt to Deo and me, and how glad she is that we are here. Thinking about the huge number of hours that Deo devotes to the twins, Michele told her, “I can’t believe how much money you’re saving us in child care.”
Deo shot me a quick smile that spoke volumes about how she didn’t want Michele to feel indebted, and how greatly she always enjoys taking care of the little fellows. Then she turned to Michele and said, “That’s one way to look at it. But do you have any idea how much it would cost if we had to go out and rent grandchildren?”
Although our living arrangement—three generations under one roof—is unusual in the United States today, it is actually very common in many tribal and traditional societies. In Okinawa, Abkhasia, Vilcabamba, and Hunza, great value is placed on extended families, marriage, and children. The generations are not artificially separated, and people at every stage of life feel a part of things and have something to contribute. Grandparents, still sprightly and spirited, romp with the new generation of babies. Great-grandparents also help out with the children and enjoy the respect of younger generations. As they get even older, people are always cared for and are never left to fend for themselves.
One of the most defining features of the cultures known for the health of their elders is a profound respect for the elderly, and a commitment that all members of society—particularly those who are most vulnerable—should be as well taken care of as possible. The elder Okinawans believe that if someone fails, whether through bad luck or any other reason, there is an obligation on the part of others to help. Indeed, they have a proverb that translates as “One cannot live in this world without the support of others.”
In Okinawa, the elderly are provided with excellent medical care and many other benefits at minimal cost. When I spoke to one Oki-nawan man in his late eighties, he told me why he thought this was a good idea: “Sure, I’m for helping the elderly. It’s only right. And besides,” he added with a twinkle in his eye, “I’m going to be old myself someday.”
Another elderly Okinawan told me she was struck by the contrast between the way elders are treated in Okinawa and what she has learned of how they are sometimes treated in the West. “Of course we live long lives,” she said. “We love life. Who wouldn’t want to grow old in a place like this?”
In every culture where healthy aging is the norm, elders are revered. Not only are they fully included in the society, they are honored and celebrated. When Okinawan elders reach the age of ninety-seven, a major celebration takes place (called
kajimaya
), where
people gather to honor them, rejoice in their lives, and affirm their return to having the free spirit of a child.
It has been said that the moral test of a people is how they treat those who are in the dawn of life—the children—and those who are in the twilight of life—the elderly. By this standard, the societies that have produced the greatest and most vibrant life expectancies have something profound indeed to teach us.
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ach of us has our own unique ways of expressing love and building meaningful relationships. Here are some tips to help you create and sustain positive connections in your life.
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Be kind. You do not need to know what burdens others are carrying to know that they are heavy.
No matter how great the faults of another person, strive to be aware also of his or her good qualities. Know that there is something worthy of commendation in almost everyone, even though it may lie dormant and as yet undiscovered.
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Make time for hearing your loved ones’ struggles and challenges. When a friend speaks, listen with your heart rather than your judgment. You may not be able to take away another’s pain, but you can hear it. Afterward, write them a card or bring them a flower to acknowledge and thank them for entrusting you with their vulnerability as well as their strength.
If you are dealing with an illness or personal struggle that may be shared by others, join (or start) a support group where you can meet regularly to talk about your challenges, fears, hopes, and dreams among others who will understand.
Look for opportunities to enrich the lives of others. Ask a friend if there’s a way you could be a better friend to him. Recall someone who helped you when you needed it. Write or tell her of your appreciation. Recognize someone in your extended family or community who has provided outstanding service. Make a certificate or plaque he can put on his wall, or send her a note with flowers or food.
For emotionally significant communications, don’t use e-mail. Meet in person, talk on the phone, or write letters that you can mail or hand-deliver. People love getting letters. It can be rare to get anything special in the mail anymore.
Learn the art of massage, so you can use your hands to touch others with healing and respect. Give and receive hugs daily. Lots of them.
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Rather than buying gifts for friends and family, give experiences. Massage their neck and shoulders. Write them poems or letters expressing your appreciation and love. Take them for a walk, clean their house, make them dinner, babysit, help them plant a spring garden, plan a picnic or other special outing to enjoy together, take them for a day exploring back country roads or an evening of theater, or find some other creative way to express your affection and caring. If you have just a minute, call and leave a message letting them know that you are thinking of them, or mention a specific quality or experience you are remembering and appreciating about them.
Read selections from your favorite books to your family and friends. Give away copies of your favorite books. Tell others what these books have meant to you.