32
Gregory and Renee
GregoryâSaturday, April 15, 7:19 p.m.
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hat dayâyeah, I knew it was Valentine's DayâI moved all my stuff out of Renee's, I knew I was never going back. I thought Valentine's Day was a fitting day to celebrate the death of a love affair. The death of dreams.
I went back to my crib and listened to Rahsaan Patterson's version of Sade's infamous “Love Is Stronger than Pride” over and over again for hours before I realized three important things. First was that Sade was way off the mark on that love and pride thing. Love didn't mean much of a damn when your pride was ripped all to hell and back. Either that or Sade was a far more evolved person than me.
Second was that next time I fall in love, it will be with someone who loves me above all else save God. Absolute devotion, that was what I was holding out for. I wanted to know that I was the most important thing in that person's world. I wanted to feel the warmth of that love in every fiber of my being. And I will clearly define what love is, thank you. No more guessing that my idea of love was the same as the other person's. Didn't I just read that common sense isn't common anymore?
And the third thing was that scheming, game-playing, and planning got you nowhere. The only thing to be sure of was that there was nothing in life to be sure of. So why waste the time scheming your life away?
So was I over her? For the most part, I thought so. Every once in a while, I would have what I call a “Ray Flashback,” and it would hit me just like it happened yesterday. Like when I saw the new Victoria's Secret catalog, I went into a rage like you wouldn't believe. You know, the mind played evil tricks on you. You start thinking, “I bet Beau has seen her in that navy sheer thing, or the green teddy with the pumps.” And all those thoughts did was make me think about how that woman had the nerve to dog me. ME! She played me like a grand piano. And I ain't never been played before. I stopped and thought. Was I mad because my heart got broken or because my pride got wounded? Then I sunk into a funky little mood indigo for a while.
But I got over those faster and faster each time. Veronica had helped a lot. That girl was a rock. She had absolutely become the best friend I ever had. I'll never forget that second day after the “Big Bang,” as I referred to it. I realized that I was going to have to go to Ray's and get some clothes. I can't begin to tell you how much I dreaded it. I really thought that if I had to look that woman in the face, I was going to kill her with my bare hands. Roni took my key, went over there, got some clothes, and was back out without Renee knowing. On the fifth day, she made me go back to my own place. Told me I needed a new outlook, not a new lover. Not like she even let me try anything the whole time I was there. And believe me, a little sexual healing would've been greatly appreciated. I dropped enough hints and made enough attempts. But not Roni, she wasn't having any. Another first for me, turned down. Nicely, but no was no.
I started spending more and more time at work, traveling more often than I needed to, basically living for work instead of working for a living. I came home one night to find Miss Veronica leaning against my door frame. She handed me a brochure on funeral plots and said, “If you wanna work yourself to death, at least be prepared.” Then she walked off. I took the hint and eased back on the hours. Spent a little more time with friends and family I'd neglected while being all wrapped up in Ray's world. I started to realize that Ray's world had been a tight space to be in.
Another night, I went to a club with some of the fellas, and I was sitting off in a corner getting good and quietly drunk when I heard Roni's whisky-laced voice saying, “Ain't nothing worse than a bitter man drinking himself into oblivion. I once thought you were a together brother. Hate to be proved wrong.”
Roni stayed on me when some of my best boys had given up and told me to call them when I was “ready to roll” again. Long after my hoops partners told me I was acting like a punk and disappeared on me, Roni was still hanging in.
I had a slight setback after that church thing. Ray almost got me with that one. Just wanted to believe again. Thought it could all go back to the way it was and everything would somehow be all right again. I wanted to believe. To believe that she was truly remorseful and that it would never happen again; after all, it's not like we were married yet. And truth be told, that night could've gone the other way. She could've come upstairs and found me and Roni in the exact same position. Well, maybe not the
exact
same one, but you know where I'm coming from. Then again, I'd like to think that Roni and I had a little more moral fortitude than that. I'd like to think we had a better sense of right and wrong, no matter what we were
tempted
to do.
So what stopped me from going back to Ray? Again, three things. The first was that I would never, ever, be able to wipe the image of her laid out on that table with her dress hiked up and Beau ... Well, I just knew I'd never be able to touch her again without thinking about it. Didn't matter how much we skimmed over it or tried to erase the memory, every time we had a disagreement or I got upset about somethingâI knew myselfâI would bring it up and throw it in her face. Every time she was late, every time she acted suspicious, the image would come back to me like it was yesterday. And I knew it.
The second thing was that I kept remembering how my mother, my friends, and Roni had told me, “She'll always want more.” That was a fact, an honest-to-God fact that wasn't going to change about Renee. So what was to stop her from pulling this stunt again the next time some smooth-talking creamy brother with a wink and a smile came on to her? Nothing except her newfound religion, which I found harder and harder to swallow by the minute. I had offered Renee all that I had and all that I was, and it wasn't enough then; why would it be now? I had committed myself to her and meant it. I reassured
her
that I was in it for real. I even proposed and put a ring stating my intentions on her finger and still it wasn't enough. Well damn that.
And the third thing that stopped me was Veronica. It was no lie (maybe an exaggeration) when I said it could've been us that night. Hell, it could be us tonight if she would quit being such a buddy! But she was determined to let me have my “rebound relationship,” as she called it. I was into Veronica, not some rebound chick. She was sexy, smart, funny and real. She put me first but didn't lose herself in the process. She has been so concerned I'll never get over Renee.
No need telling her I did the rebound mindless sex-fling thing last month when I went out of town. You know, just to make sure I was still all that. I was up front about it; met a little honey, she was down for a hit-and-run, and we hung out for a few days. Had to try it out on someone I didn't give a damn about first, get that itch out of my system so I could be cool about things. Too old to be out there flinging and swinging. I got in deep with Ray because I wanted a
relationship
, and I still do. I could wait. If I learned nothing else during the “Ray Days,” I did learn patience.
I was thinking that in about a month or so, Veronica'll be convinced my head was back together and I was back on track. That's when I'll make my move. Veronica Mae will not stand a chance against me. Now wait, I know you think it sounds like I was planning and scheming again, but really, I learned my lesson. When I stepped to Roni, I was gonna be for real about it. Break down what I was looking for and what I was willing to give up. If it floated, we'll sail. If not, we won't. Amazing how simple things could be when we stopped trying to complicate them.
On that note, I ran into Roman the other day. Now, that was one sad-looking brother there. I tried to relate, but I couldn't see where the big conflict was. 'Course, I was hardly one to be handing out advice to the lovelorn and shit, but I told him straight up, “When you've gotta good thing, and you know it's good, don't let it go. No matter what.” Getting deep with it, wasn't I? Ma said I've grown through the pain, whatever that means. I guess it means I recognized the fact that I was lucky to escape Renee's clutches with the few scars I had. Overall, I supposed the whole thing might have just made me a better man all around. Now, if I could just convince one sexy late-night radio personality of that ... Stop, quit planning, Gregory. Some old habits were hard to give up.
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ReneeâFriday, April 28, 10:19 p.m.
I was ready. Beau was out the house for a while doing God knows what. I had planned on kicking him curbside, but he smoothed things over for me with Kat. Something told me that unless I eased him out proper, my job was in the tanker. But he was definitely going to have to go. Beau did not share the same work ethic that my Greggy did. He worked when and if he felt like it. Life with Beau was one big playtime. Like being in recess all the time. Wouldn't you know that Rome's ass paid Beau by the hour, so sometimes that boy was beyond broke. Of course, if he didn't spend every spare dime on clothes and good times ... Well, he did have his uses, but like I said, he was definitely here on borrowed time.
Anyway, today was exactly a year to the day of my first date with Gregory. I took a chance that he'd be home remembering and alone. My confidence was high even though he hadn't contacted me after my public plea for forgiveness. The grapevine said he was licking his wounds in solitude and finally appeared back to normal. I knew it was just his pride keeping him from calling. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was thinking that if we get this thing ironed out and patched up, we could still make that June 7 wedding. I'd have to think long and hard about letting Roni be in the wedding, though. I run into her at the gym all the time, and though we speak cordially and all, there's this big wedge between us. His name ... Gregory Samson.
Confidence or no, my hand was shaking as I dialed the number. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hello, this is Gregory.”
I heard party sounds in the background. So much for him being alone. It was still good to hear his voice.
For a minute I couldn't speak. I felt a flash of guilt followed by a flash of determination.
“Hello?” he repeated.
“Greggy?” I asked in my best yes-it's-me-baby voice.
Silence on the other end. He was probably all choked up with emotion.
“Greggy? Aren't you going to speak?”
“Hello, Renee,” he said finally. “Turn that music down a second, could you?” he said to someone in the room.
Was that his big greeting? Well, not quite what I hoped for but still not too terrible. “Hello. How are you?”
“I'm well, thanks.”
I frowned, he was still using his business voice. I decided to dive in. “I was just sitting here thinking about us.”
“Us?” He said the word like it was a nasty thing. I started to doubt that this conversation would go well.
“Yes, us. You know, today is a year to the day that we went out on our first date.”
“Oh yeah? You always were good for remembering that kind of thing. Seems like years ago.”
I disagreed. “Seems like just yesterday to me.”
“Hmm. What can I do for you, Renee?”
Immediately, my mind flashed back to that wild day in his office when he said those same words. My response then was, “Come over here and do for me, Greggy.” I sensed that now wasn't the best time to bring that up. Instead, I forged ahead with my prepared speech. “I saw you in church that day I stood up.”
“Um-hmm, with Beau. I remember that.” His tone was wry.
Oops, might've been a mistake to bring that up. I'd forgotten about the Beau factor. “Uh, yeah, I was hoping you realized that I was apologizing to you. I don't know what happened to me. I was a lost soul.”
He made a sound that resembled a laugh. “And you're found now?”
I hesitated, sensing a trap in his words. “Well, I recognize right from wrong now, that's for sure.”
“You recognized it before, Renee. You simply chose to ignore it.”
Ouch. Brother was harsh! “So, you don't forgive me?”
Now that sound
was
laughter. “Consider yourself forgiven, Ray.” I took it as a good sign.
I grinned. He was calling me Ray. Feeling confident again, I laid it out there on the line. “I'd like to see you again, Greggy.”
“What for?” He sounded horrified. Horror was not good.
“There's still a lot unsettled between us, Greg. Don't let your pride make a terrible mistake.”
There was a long pause on his side of the line. When he spoke, his voice was somber to the point of grim. “Don't force me to be ugly to you, Renee. Let's just leave things as they are. Okay? We had our time together, and no matter how badly it ended, there was still a lot of good between us, emotionally and physicallyâ”
I cut in, desperate now that I had an idea where he was going with this. “It could be like that again!” And I truly believed it could be, if he could just get past his pride.