I try, but I cannot get Katie Turner out of my head. It’s crazy. I’m glad I’m thinking of her and not April, but the inertia that surrounds the whole situation is bogging me down. How do you move forward when there’s nowhere to go?
I’m going to have to abandon protocol and call her—plain and simple. I just haven’t worked out in my mind the aftershock such a conversation might have on my life. And truthfully, I don’t know if I really want to go there.
I am still raw after running away from California. I upended my world to get away from the pain, only to have it follow me here. Do I really want to double that sensation if things don’t work out with Katie? Do I really want the added drama of having another girl put my emotions through the ringer?
But I have a sense that Katie isn’t like that. There may be drama in her life—her dad sure seems like a piece of work—but it isn’t anything she created. Instead, she’s more like a victim of her circumstances than an active player in any family problems.
The sadness in her eyes rocked me to my core. All I want to do is kiss all that pain away. I know I have it in me to be there for her, but I don’t want to battle her father every time I want to take her out.
She’s pretty immersed in her situation. There’s no easy way out, not with her living with her grandmother and all. I’m either going all in or doing nothing. But I’ve grown accustomed to my hermit-like existence. I have no one to answer to, no one’s needs to meet but my own. It’s nice, but I’m still not happy. Is happiness fleeting? Is it always followed by more problems down the road? Sure, everything’s usually good in the beginning, but it’s when that first rush wears off that things get real.
I sit at my kitchen table looking out at the total darkness of the desolate mountain. There’s no one out here for miles. I’m alone, and I revel in it. But I refuse to let myself so easily off the hook. When was the last time I had a full-fledged conversation with somebody? When did someone take a genuine interest in me? I don’t want to think about the answers to these questions.
Should I do it? Should I pull the trigger? What do I have to lose?
Everything…
But I’m a risk-taker; I never play it safe. If I can help this girl in any way, then I at least owe her that…even if the whole thing eventually blows up in my face.
I pick up my phone. I don’t want to admit that I’ve already programmed her number into my contact list. Before I can give it another minute’s hesitation, I hit the call button.
Ring number one.
Oh man.
Ring number two.
Katie, please be the one to answer.
Ring number three.
Great, there’s nobody home.
Ring number four.
I…
“Hello?”
Shit. It’s her father.
“Hi, is Katie there?” I sputter.
“No, who’s calling?” he asks brusquely.
I don’t want to cause any waves for her at home. I get the sense that her dad doesn’t approve of random guys calling her out of the blue. But I’m not that random. He met me before, even if he did keep shooting me death glares for looking at Katie. Should I chance it? Is it worth it? Should I try again some other time?
“It’s John from Publishers Clearing House, and I’m wondering if I can interest her in one of our magazine subscriptions.”
Yeah, real smooth, player.
In my ear, I hear the buzzing of the dial tone.
Without saying a word, he hung up on me.
My cousin, Jennifer, arrives with kids in tow. I love her two boys, Peter and Rob. They always lift my spirits, and it’s good to see them, even if it’s in the hospital cafeteria. They quickly get bored with having to sit at the table and sip their chocolate milk, so instead they start running around the room, screaming.
“Boys, please behave. You can’t act like this,” Jennifer pleads.
They sit on the ground and proceed to greet everyone walking by. Their winning charm is on full display.
“Well, at least they’re sociable,” I joke.
“Yeah, until they piss off the wrong person and come looking for mommy,” Jennifer retorts.
“Oh c’mon, all of these doctors and nurses have such wonderful personalities,” I say.
We both laugh. With Grandma in the hospital for the past two weeks, we can trade horror stories over those who need a refresher course on what constitutes a good bedside manner.
“I don’t know how you do it, Kit Kat. Being here day after day, all day. I’d be ready to rip the roof off this place,” Jennifer admits, using the nickname she bestowed on me in childhood.
“It’s not easy, but you know I’d never leave Grandma here alone to fend for herself. Especially in the state she’s in now. She barely even talks to me,” I relate.
“Well, if your lame ass father would have given her some time to rest after that accident, then maybe we wouldn’t be here right now,” she proclaims.
“Tell me about it,” I agree.
“How’s it been living with him? He must love that Grandma’s still in the hospital.”
“We try to stay away from each other, which means I make sure I have his supper ready after he picks me up from the hospital and his laundry is done and so on,” I say. “But it’s rough staying up late and getting up early in order to get it all done. Plus if I’m up and he’s sleeping, I have to be sure not to make too much noise.”
“Girl, you are his daughter. Not his servant, not his mother, not his wife,” she says. “You shouldn’t be doing any of that. You’re gonna end up in the hospital next.”
“Oh God, don’t say that, Jennifer.”
“But it’s true,” she says. “You’re worn out. I’ve never seen you so pale.”
“Well, my looks have never been my strong point.”
“Stop it,” she says. “I’m gonna get up and walk out if you start bringing yourself down again.”
“Okay, okay…let’s change the subject,” I say. “Are you guys going to the parade on Saturday?”
The city hosts an annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, but it’s more about the drinking and revelry in the bars than the floats and marching bands on the street.
“Yeah, Eddie and I are gonna start off at O’Shea’s and meet up with some of his friends from work. So I’m not bringing the kids this year. They’re still kinda young, and it’s supposed to be freezing out. I take it you’re not going,” Jennifer says while looking in her compact to touch up her make-up.
“No, not this year, not with everything going on with Grandma,” I reply.
“I should really call some of the girls from my wedding and get the group together again. We should all go out, maybe over Easter, if everybody’s back in town,” she says. “You have to come with us then. And I won’t take no for an answer.”
Great, another misadventure with the bridal party… I don’t think so. Never again.
“Yeah, we’ll see, Jen,” I say, checking to make sure Peter and Rob are still by the door.
“We’ll see,” Jennifer mimics in a high-pitched voice. “You gotta get out more, girl. It’s not normal.”
“Gee, thanks for making me feel like a freak.”
“Well, it’s true,” she says. “Nuns meet more men than you.”
“I meet men.”
“Yeah, who?” she asks. “The pizza delivery guys?”
“You know Dad would never pay for delivery.”
“Ha! No, seriously, where do you meet guys?” she asks. “You’re not getting off that easy.”
“Well, there’s this one guy…”
“Oh, this is gonna be good,” Jennifer says, pulling her chair even closer to the table, oblivious to the napkins her sons are spewing all over the floor.
“Remember that cute guy I was telling you about from the ambulance?”
“The one that you snubbed for flirting with the receptionist?” she asks. “What…did you see him again?”
“No, not exactly.”
“Well, what?” she asks. “Did he call you or something?”
“No, he didn’t call…”
“Oh jeez, Katie,” she says. “He’s not your new fantasy boyfriend, is he?”
It doesn’t happen that often, but when a guy does manage to catch my eye, I start to obsess about him. I never go near him. I never have actual conversations with him. But the relationship we have in my imagination is perfect. Jennifer’s been there through every one.
First, there was Sean in grade school who I believe totally ruined me on relationships. We ‘went out’ for one day until he had his friend come over and break up with me. I don’t think I ever got over the instant rejection.
Then there was Vince in high school. The love of my life who turned out to be gay.
Recently, there was Ryan from Grandma’s senior center, but I found out that he’s engaged.
“I can’t help it that nothing ever works out with these guys,” I say. “Chemistry’s a tricky thing, and if I’m not feeling it, I’m not gonna pretend.”
“Kit Kat, you are pretending—all the time.”
“I’ve been rejected enough. Can’t I have these little fantasies where everything works out for me?” I ask. “If I can’t daydream that Adam the ambulance guy and I are destined to be together, I don’t know how I’d make it through the day, okay?”
“All right, all right. Do what works for you, but you’re too good a person to always be alone.”
“I’m not alone,” I say. “I have you and the boys.”
There’s a loud bang as Peter and Rob knock over the garbage can.
“Boys!” Jennifer screams.
Yeah, it’s definitely time to go back and check on Grandma.
The clock seems to be ticking backward in this Pharmacology class. I better stop looking at it every five seconds. It’s not going to make the time go by any faster. My day is jam-packed and I’m a little on edge.
I’m meeting up with Charlie and Tommy at General for an eight-hour shift on the ambulance. But I’d rather be with them out in the field than stuck behind a desk. I’m going to leave my car in the school lot, so I’m in for a brutal ten-block hike to the hospital. This winter refuses to quit.
The lecture is beyond boring. It’s all stuff I already know, and Mr. Granger’s monotone delivery style isn’t helping matters. I scribble some notes but give up halfway through. My concentration is pretty much shot.
I look over at Stacy, probably the only person I consider a friend at school. She is forty-two years old, married with two kids.
And I thought I had problems with time management. I don’t know how she does it.
When she lost her job thanks to this shitty economy, she had no choice but to go back to school. She was an EMT back in the day, and now she’s looking to make a career out of it.
She instantly took to mothering me, and I don’t mind. Being away from my mom makes me appreciate her efforts even more. She’s always baking for some school event or Girl Scout fundraiser, and she never forgets to bring me a special Tupperware container with my name on it. From brownies to cupcakes and everything in between, it’s her mission to keep my blood sugar level up at all times. “I don’t want you falling asleep behind the wheel of that ambulance,” she often jokes. “You’re too skinny as it is.”
Yeah, I’ve always been on the lanky side. I shot up to 6’4” my freshman year of high school, and I’m lucky if I’m a hundred seventy-five pounds soaking wet. I guess that feeling of awkwardness never really goes away. I’m certainly not built with a physique that gets the ladies swooning. I tried going to the gym at school to build some muscle, but these past few months have made it hard to cram it in. Free time is a luxury I need more of.
Everyone starts packing up, and I realize that Mr. Granger is done with his lecture.
Wow, I really need to get my head in the game.
“Someone’s out in left field today,” Stacy says, giving me a smile.
“Yeah, I have a lot on my mind,” I respond. “Long day ahead.”
“Well, take one thing at a time, Adam,” she says. “That’s all you can do.”
“You got any sugar to keep me going?”
“Now Adam, you know I’m a married woman…”
I burst out laughing. “You know what I mean, Stacy.”
“Sure, I know what you mean, but you’re so damn easy to tease. I can’t help myself,” she chuckles, hurling a container at me. “Think fast, champ!”
“Ah, nice. Chocolate chip cookies…my favorite.”
“Be sure to share some with those other clowns, too.”
“Trust me, they’ll go down real easy at one of our million coffee breaks.”
“Who knows?” she asks. “Maybe you’ll be busy.”
“In a way, I hope not,” I say. “I’m still kinda shell-shocked from that Air Evac call.”
Stacy’s cell phone begins to ring.
“Oh shit, what now? Hello?” she says, answering the phone.
Yeah, that’s what usually happens whenever I try to unburden myself of something that’s troubling me. Most people don’t have the time to talk about anything heavy. Conversations are usually just idle chitchat, nothing more. I guess that’s why people get married. At least it provides a built-in connection to another human being.
“Man, I gotta run, Adam,” she says. “Stevie threw up all over his desk at school and I have to pick him up. Looks like my day just took a U-turn.”
“Hang in there, Stacy,” I say. “I hope he feels better, and thanks for the cookies.”
“Any time, Adam, my boy,” she says. “Any time.”
I watch her leave the classroom with a million and one bags slung over her shoulder. She’s a good mom. Her kids are lucky to have her, and anyone who ever needs her in an emergency will be well cared for. Some women are just born with that nurturing instinct.
That random thought brings me back to Katie Turner. The way she watched out for her grandmother was something special, something you don’t often come across. Most eighteen-year-olds don’t even speak to their grandparents on a regular basis, and it looked like her grandmother was the most important person in her life.
I toss my backpack over my shoulder and brace against the cold. One good thing about being tall is that it gives me a huge wingspan. I literally cover more ground in one stride than most people can in three. I’ll be at the hospital in no time.
Just think warm thoughts.
Picture yourself in bed with Katie wrapped around you.
I really need to get a grip.
As I approach the intersection next to the hospital, I stop at the light before proceeding through the crosswalk. A red Camaro, similar to the one Katie’s father drives, moves by me and pulls in front of the hospital.
Can it be?
My heart starts pounding, but I can’t move. I watch and wait. And then, there she is. Hopping out of the car, she has her back to me and her hood is on. I can’t see her face, but I know it’s her. Something deep within me responds to her presence.
As soon as she closes the door, the car drives off. It must be nice to have Mr. Personality for a dad. It makes me angry. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. I would never treat her like that. I would cherish every minute I had with her.
That’s it. This ends now. I’m about to break into a sprint and catch up to her when some asshole in a minivan speeds up to the light blocking my path. By the time I move around him, I’ve already lost valuable seconds.
Looking down, the sidewalk is covered in patches of ice and snow. I can’t risk falling and breaking something right next to the hospital. The guys will never let me hear the end of it.
When I finally make it through the automatic doors, she is nowhere in sight. Damn it! I glance over at the main desk, but the receptionist is deep in conversation with an elderly man in a wheelchair and his family. Great, she probably didn’t even see Katie come in.
I look up at the clock on the wall. I’m already five minutes late for my shift. But she is so close. Maybe if I check to see if she went up the stairs, instead of using the elevator?
“Adam, what are you doing in this part of the hospital?”
It’s Dr. Reyes, one of the docs usually on call in the ER. Looks like my chance at finding Katie is officially over. He is one of the most talkative people I know. Once he starts, it’s impossible to break away from him.
“Oh, I thought I saw someone I know walk in. Guess not…sorry doc, but I have to run. I’m late for work. Maybe I’ll see you later?” I ask.
“Nah, I’m just getting off, but Adam…” he starts.
I pretend I don’t hear him as I charge back out the door into the cold.