Authors: Shirley Kennedy
“
Hello,” she said.
Surprised, he looked up, then smiled. “Lucy. To what do I owe the honor?” He made a show of glancing around the campground, where more than one pair of eyes were trained their way. “Do you want to ruin your reputation? Don’t you know it’s not proper for a woman to visit a man not her husband?”
“
Blast the gossip.” She perched herself on the tongue of the wagon. “I don’t give a fig what people say.”
“
Why, Mrs. Schneider!” He cast a mocking look of surprise. “Have we thrown caution to the winds?” He jerked his head toward Abner’s wagon. “What about him?”
“
I don’t care. But if
you’re
afraid, I shall leave immediately.”
“
Afraid of Abner Schneider?” He laid his rifle down, threw back his head, and let out a great peal of laughter. When he finished, he gazed at her thoughtfully. “So you’re all right?”
“
Yes, and I came to thank you.”
“
For what?”
“
For saving my life today. That’s the second time.”
“
Second?” He raised a puzzled eyebrow. “What was the first?”
“
When I got lost in the woods and you saved me from the snake.”
“
You weren’t lost. You’d have found your own way out.”
“
You said I would have ended up in Texas.”
He didn’t smile as she’d expected but instead regarded her with eyes that brimmed with admiration. “Either way, you were worth saving.”
All her false bravado slipped away. “Oh, Clint.” There came that lump in her throat. She had to swallow before she could speak again. “I needed to hear that. It’s ... not been a good day, what with the Indians, and then Abner, the way
he ...” She had to swallow again. “What a disgrace.”
“
No surprise there.”
“
Nobody else ran. Henry didn’t, or Hannah and Elija, and did you see Cordelia and Chad?”
“
I saw
you
.”
“
Ha! When you saw me, I was in the midst of the battle on my hands and knees in the dirt and scared spitless.”
“
I saw you before that, standing your ground. You fired that rifle like you thought you were Davy Crockett. You did pretty damn good.” He grinned. “For a spoiled young lady from Boston, that is.”
His simple praise caused her heart to ache. She recognized her desperate need for a few kind words instead of Abner’s constant criticism.
“
As for Abner ...” Clint picked up his rifle and sighted it, taking his time. “You’ve got to get away from him.”
“
Easier said than done. You know the hold he has on me.”
“
You’re afraid for the boy, and I can’t say I blame you. I would guess you’re concerned for Martha, too.”
“
So what do you suggest I do?”
He sat silent for so long she became aware of the sounds from around the campground: the low murmuring of tense voices, everyone still disturbed by the attack, the continual, weak crying of the little Janicki girl struck by the arrow, the rhythmic strike of shovels jamming into earth, digging graves. When Clint finally spoke, he lay down his rifle, leaned toward her, and clasped his hands between his open knees. “As Charlie would say, Abner’s not worth the powder and shot to blow him to hell. Mark my words, wait long enough, and he’ll self-destruct.”
“
That might not be soon enough.” Lucy’s laugh was bitter. “I guess you know, when we get to California, he’ll want to keep Noah.”
“
And you as well.” A thoughtful smile curved Clint’s mouth. “I care about you.”
Clint had spoken so matter-of-factly, it took a moment for his words to sink in. When they did, her heart swelled with a feeling she’d never imagined. “Clint, I—”
“
Yes, I care. I didn’t know how much until today, when I saw that Indian take his tomahawk and—” He drew a deep breath and shook his head. “—I couldn’t get to you then. I came soon as I could, but if you hadn’t stood your ground and shot him, God only knows. Where the hell was Abner? How could he let you ...?” From the whiteness around his mouth, the tensing of his jaw, she could see he was fighting to control his anger. “Do you know you rob me of my sleep at night?”
She shook her head, so overcome she couldn’t find words.
“
Well, you do.” The beginning of his little crooked smile tipped the corners of his mouth. “You want to hear it all? I won’t be saying it again, so you might as well.”
“
Yes, then.” How could she not want to hear?
“
At night when I lay under the stars, I can’t sleep for thinking about you. I remember the first time I met you, the cheeky girl from Boston with the pretty hair, so sure she knew all the answers. I admired your spunk and your quirky humor. Now I know you better, there’s even more I admire. I see you as you are now, so brave, so ...” A self-mocking little smile flitted across his lips “... so very unavailable.”
She couldn’t begin to express her stunned reaction and searched for something light to say. “Well, I’m not much of a prize at the moment.” She glanced down at her shabby clothes. Lord only knew what her hair looked like after she’d quickly plaited it this morning, not even looking in her tiny mirror.
He spoke again in a tender voice, almost a murmur. “I’m a plain man without fancy words. All I can say is to my eyes you’re beautiful just as you are.” With fleet, swift moves, he sprang down from the wagon and stood close, looking down at her. “Do you remember that rainy day in the wagon?”
“
Yes, of course, I do.” How could she forget?
“
That was only a start. God willing, I’ll make love to you again, only better, like you’ve never been made love to before. I’ll make you feel things you never thought possible with that ignorant husband of yours.”
She almost blurted,
how did you know?
Then she remembered nothing was sacred in a wagon train, and that included the most intimate, private details of her life laid bare. She cocked her head. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“
Because ...” He looked deep into her eyes, his own eyes filled with tenderness and passion. “I’ve faced death before. Never thought twice about it. Had I died today and not told you how I felt ...” He shrugged. “Let’s just say, I wanted you to know.”
She sensed the profound depth of his feelings, so carefully concealed behind his casual words. “ I’ve been wanting to tell you—”
“
Don’t say it.” He quickly raised a hand. “What good would it do? Who knows what fate has in store? Perhaps you’ll never hear me speak these words again. Perhaps ... who knows? See over there?” He pointed across the campground to where Agnes, bending over her cook fire, quickly jerked her gaze away. “What would you wager that dear lady is trying her best to read our lips? She won’t get another chance. When this journey ends, we could very well part and go our different ways.” He gave her a look so full of raw desire her pulses went spinning. “Every now and then, give a thought to a man who would have laid down his life for you, would have loved you dearly for as long as he lived. Would have ... That’s enough. I’ve got things to do.”
She felt a desperate need to pour out her feelings for him. “There’s so much I haven’t told you.”
“
This conversation is over. But still ...” His eyes filled with longing. “If the right time ever comes, it’ll be my pleasure to listen to whatever you have to say.”
Before she could answer, Clint strode away, leaving her weak-kneed, feeling as if she were swimming through a haze of doubts and desires. How could she let him go? How could she ever live without him?
She wanted to run after him, throw herself in his arms, tell him she was his forever and nothing else mattered, that he was the only man she’d ever love.
Then she thought of Noah and how he needed her. How Martha desperately needed her, too. Never could she leave them, no matter how much she loved Clint.
So, as she knew she would, she turned her back on Clint and started away, her heart in a turmoil, but knowing she had done the right thing.
On her way back to the wagon, Lucy spied Cordelia.
“
Just look at my black eye!” The former Southern belle touched her hand to her bruised face. “I must have looked pretty foolish when that savage knocked me ass-backwards to the ground.”
“
Cordelia!” Lucy laughed in surprise. “Since when did you start using that kind of language?”
Cordelia gave her a rueful smile. “Since I came to realize I’m not Atlanta’s queen of society anymore.”
“
Well, you didn’t look foolish. You looked very brave, like a mother tigress protecting her young.”
“
Do tell.” Cordelia flushed from the compliment.
“
I mean it.” Lucy heaved a regretful sigh. “I’m truly going to miss you when you go back to Atlanta.”
“
I’m not going back.”
“
What?
You mean you’re going on to California?”
“
I surely am.”
“
That’s wonderful news. Why? You were so sure you didn’t want to go on.”
“
Just look at me.” Cordelia spread her arms. “Do I look like the same woman who served that fancy high tea back in Independence?”
“
Uh, not exactly.” Lucy tried to be tactful. “Your hair was beautifully coifed, you wore that elegant, hoop-skirted taffeta gown, and you had Sukey to serve the refreshments.”
“
Well, look at me now. Did you ever see anyone more bedraggled?” Cordelia pushed back a strand of untidy brown hair and held out the skirt of her faded blue calico gown. “Today my eyes were opened. I nearly lost my life, and so did Chad. It made me realize if we go back now we’d be throwing away all the hard work, sacrifices, and risks we’ve taken. All that we’ve struggled through would’ve been in vain if we ran back to Atlanta now, ‘tails between our legs,’ as Charlie Dawes would say.”
“
Chad certainly wants to keep on.”
“
He’s right, and besides, I don’t want to go back to Atlanta anymore. How could I return to that stuffy society where they think they’re so highborn they can look down their noses at anyone who isn’t like them? I look back and wonder how I could’ve been such a snob.”
Lucy asked, “Am I right in thinking Hannah had something to do with this?”
Cordelia nodded emphatically. “That fine woman saved my son today. I cringe when I remember how I used to consider her ‘of a lesser standing,’ and I’ve already told her so. My dear Nathaniel ...” Cordelia’s eyes glistened with tears. “I know he would’ve wanted us to keep on, despite the hardships. He dreamed of a new life for all of us, especially Chad. Well, if God gives me the strength, I’ll see Nathaniel gets his wish.”
Just then, Hannah, Martha, and Inez arrived, soon followed by Agnes. When they heard Cordelia’s news, they expressed their delight. If they held any grudges, they kept them well concealed, but Lucy didn’t think they did. Life on the trail left little time for pettiness.
Cordelia served coffee to all. They settled around her campfire, each taking comfort in discussing the horrific events of the day. Hannah asked, “Has anyone heard how the little Janicki girl is doing?”
“
Holding her own.” Agnes of course would know. “Inez says she’ll probably pull through if she stays quiet for a few days.”
“
We’ll be staying here a while?” Martha’s voice was timid.
No wonder she’s asking.
Every day counted now.
“
We can stay if the captain approves.” Agnes gave Lucy a pointed look. “You know how he likes to keep moving.”
Inez spoke up. “Martha, you’re worried about your baby, aren’t you?”
Martha managed a casual laugh. “It’s beginning to look as if I might have my baby before we get there. Time is getting short, but how could I possibly insist we move on when that little girl might die if we do?”
“
You have nothing to worry about.” Inez nodded vigorously. “I’ll be here.”
“
I keep thinking of Bessie.”
“
So do I. After she died, I lost my confidence. Maybe it took that Indian attack for me to realize I can’t run away. I must stand my ground, just like everyone else, and do the best I can.” Inez bent toward her, her face full of strength and resolve. “What happened with Bessie won’t happen again. She had a lot of problems, but you? You’re small. You may look frail, but you’re healthy as a horse. I promise that baby will arrive safely and you’ll be fine.”
Hannah said, “Honey, if that baby pops by the side of the trail, we’ll
all
be here to help you.”
The others chimed in, eagerly agreeing.
Martha looked toward Lucy. “I feel better. Isn’t it a blessing to have such good friends?”
Lucy was so choked with emotion that she couldn’t speak for a moment. “Thank you, everyone. We may have to count on you.” Somehow she felt better, too. Her hopes that Martha would have her baby in California were fading fast. With each day it seemed more likely that she’d be forced to deliver her baby on the trail. At first, the very idea had been unthinkable, but now Lucy felt comforted, knowing that dear friends were standing by to help any way they could.
She could not imagine what she and Martha would do without them.
Early next morning, Lucy carried a pail to the nearby creek for water. She hadn’t yet heard how the Janicki girl was doing and wasn’t sure if the wagon train would stay another day or move on. Close-mouthed Abner hadn’t said. She was about to scoop up some water when a solemn-faced Cordelia appeared, almost as if she’d followed her.