Chapter 78
By the following afternoon, Johnny and Alex had the place to themselves again. Johnny heaved a sigh of relief when they closed the door for the last time. ‘Christ, what a weekend,’ he said, scrubbing his face with his palms. ‘Come on, let’s put the kettle on and have a quiet cuppa.’
Alex nodded, relieved he had no immediate plans to start drinking. She wanted to talk to him about Gemma. She had considered leaving it until the next day, but on balance felt it was too important to put off any longer. She just had to work out how to begin. She didn’t want Johnny doing a runner to the George and Dragon before she even got started.
‘Let’s go for a walk,’ she said when they’d finished their tea. ‘Down by the river. We haven’t been there for ages.’
They set off in the summer sunshine and meandered slowly towards the river. Being by water always soothed Alex; she hoped it had the same effect on Johnny. They settled down under what Alex had begun thinking of as ‘their’ tree, Johnny resting his back against the trunk.
Tentatively, she broached the subject of Gemma. ‘I went to see someone yesterday on my way back here.’
‘Yeah? Therapist, was it?’ He ruffled her hair. ‘Been having your head checked out?’
‘No. Someone from the past. Colin’s first wife.’ She shifted so she could see Johnny’s face. ‘She’s Gemma Jackson now, she’s remarried.’
‘Really.’ Johnny’s expression gave nothing away. He picked some stalks of grass, devoted all his attention to plaiting them together.
‘Aren’t you curious as to what she said?’
‘No.’
‘She was asking after you.’
‘That’s nice.’
‘I asked her about what was going on when Tom and Andy died. She told me a little bit about it.’
‘I don’t want to talk about this, Alex.’
‘Well, we need to.’ She brushed his hair out of his eyes. ‘You know we need to.’
‘Give it a rest. This whole book thing was a bad idea.’ He stood up and started to walk away.
Alex jumped to her feet. ‘This isn’t about any bloody book and you know it.’ She stepped in front of Johnny and grabbed his arms. ‘Don’t walk away from me. Don’t keep blocking me out.’ She held onto him; he didn’t push her away. ‘Look, there’s obviously something there that hurts you. Tell me. Let it out. Otherwise it’s like a cancer, it’ll eat you up if you let it.’
Johnny felt suddenly weary. He sat back down, motioned to Alex to join him. Relieved, she did, and under the tree by the river, Johnny started to tell Alex his story.
‘It all started the year Chrissie was born, but I didn’t know until just before Tom and Andy died. Almost five years in total ignorance. I couldn’t believe it.’
‘How did you find out?’ Johnny took in her expression, realised she knew about Tom and Nicci.
‘Same as you with your bloke. I came home unexpectedly, planning to spring a surprise. We were due to go out on tour just over a week later and Nicci and the kids weren’t coming.’
Chapter 79
1986
Johnny was smiling as he turned into the drive; he had a car full of presents for his girls. The band whose album he had been producing had experienced a welcome burst of creativity and the whole thing was in the can, finished almost a week early. Not much of a margin, but it had looked like over-running and with the tour coming up, Johnny had been worried. He’d worked night and day to fit time with them in around Heartbreaker rehearsals.
He was surprised but pleased to see Tom’s car when he pulled up at the house. They could do with having a chat about a few last minute things prior to the tour. He went in and checked the kitchen and living room, hailing Nicci and Tom as he went, but found no sign of anyone. Then he heard a bump from upstairs. Curious, he headed off to see what it had been. He pushed the door open to his and Nicci’s room and found Tom and Nicci pulling their clothes on, guilt written all over their faces.
Johnny felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He stared open-mouthed at his wife and his best friend. They gawped back. ‘What the fuck is this?’ he managed. ‘Tom?’
‘Christ, Johnny, I’m sorry, mate.’ Tom looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. ‘I never wanted you to find out like this.’
Johnny looked at his wife. ‘Nicci?’ She turned away from him and started to cry. ‘I’ll be downstairs,’ he said, walking out.
By the time Nicci and Tom joined him in the kitchen, he’d already downed a sizeable glass of Jack Daniel’s. The bottle and two other glasses stood on the table. Nicci tried to pour but couldn’t, her hands were shaking so badly. Johnny took the bottle off her and poured for the three of them.
‘Is this the first time?’ he asked them, knowing that it wasn’t. Nicci shook her head dumbly. ‘How long?’
‘Does it matter?’ Tom, ever evasive.
‘Yes. It matters to me.’
‘It won’t help, you know.’
‘Just tell me.’
‘A … a while.’ Nicci found her voice, although it was shaky.
‘When did it start?’
‘The party. Bonfire Night.’
‘Last year?’
‘No.’
‘When?’
She was almost down to a whisper. ‘The year Chrissie was born.’ She looked at him with haunted eyes, then hung her head.
Johnny was stunned. ‘Five years?’ he asked. Tom took Nicci’s hand, tried to comfort her. Deliberately, she took her hand back and sat still and alone. Johnny stared at his wife, tried to take it all in. Tried not to want to choke the life out of her and Tom. Tried to see a way out of it that didn’t mean the end of everything.
The silence was broken as Christabel and Rebecca clattered in with Kristen, their nanny, in tow. The children were wreathed in smiles, breathless from running the last part of the journey back from the river. Kristen plonked a picnic hamper down on the kitchen worktop.
‘Daddy, Daddy,’ the children chorused, seeing Johnny. He forced a smile, hugged his girls.
‘Have you brought us presents?’ asked Rebecca.
He forced out a laugh. ‘I might have. What do you think?’
‘I think you have,’ exclaimed Christabel, veteran of this game. ‘Can we have them now, please, Johnny?’
‘Later.’
‘Come on, girls,’ called Kristen, picking up on the mood in the room. ‘Let’s go and do some colouring in, shall we? I’m sure you’ll get your presents soon enough.’
Johnny flashed her a grateful look, nodded. ‘Definitely. After you’ve coloured in your books.’
‘Before bed?’
‘Before bed.’
‘Promise?’
He kissed first Christabel’s forehead, then Rebecca’s. ‘Promise. Now be good girls for Kristen.’
He looked up just in time to see the expression on Tom’s face as he watched Rebecca toddle away on her sturdy little legs. He looked at Nicci; her hands were shaking, eyes bright with unshed tears. ‘Tell me it’s not true,’ he said, his voice flat. Nicci said nothing. ‘Jesus, how could you?’
Johnny picked up the bottle of Jack Daniel’s and headed for the door. ‘Be gone when I get back,’ he told Tom. He turned to Nicci, ‘You can do whatever the fuck you like.’ He snorted. ‘Which you clearly do anyway, whenever my back is turned.’ Nicci flinched. ‘One thing though.’ He paused to get their attention, then stared at each of them in turn to make sure they got the message. ‘My daughters are going nowhere. Do you understand? They stay here, with me.’ Johnny turned on his heel and left them sitting there at the kitchen table in the summer sunshine. He got his girls’ presents out of the car and took them to Kristen, leaving the bottle of Jack on the front doorstep.
‘Is everything all right?’ she asked, her voice full of concern.
‘Not really.’
‘Can I do anything to help?’
Johnny pushed his hair out of his eyes. ‘Just look after my girls, Kristen. Don’t let Nicci take them anywhere. They stay here, understand?’
Kristen nodded. ‘Whatever you say.’
She would have done anything for Johnny, she thought he was the sweetest man she had ever known. He loved his daughters so much, it was a joy to see. And part of her was pleased that Nicci was in trouble — she had pushed her luck with Tom Watson. He and Johnny were like the figures on a weather clock; as one went out through one door, the other came in by another. Well, now she’d get her comeuppance.
Johnny went back out, snatching up the bottle as he went down the steps. He locked himself in the studio and set about emptying it. He cursed his lack of foresight in not bringing a second one with him, but a bit of rummaging turned up another bottle, a little over half full. He emptied that one, too.
Chapter 80
‘It just hurt so much,’ Johnny was telling Alex. ‘To have been deceived for so long by the two people, apart from my kids, that I loved most in the world … Jesus. Then I got to wondering who else knew, who might have helped them to cover it up. Of course, Gemma Carson came to mind immediately. She and Nicci were thick as thieves, it was inconceivable that she didn’t know. Then I wondered if Colin knew too, and if he did, if Paul, or Andy, or Dan had any idea. I was getting paranoid, driving myself crazy.
‘And that whole thing about Rebecca. As soon as I saw the way Tom looked at her, I knew. And then I could see his eyes in her face, she looks so much like him, once you know what you’re looking for. Before that, I just thought Becky took after her mum. Nicci was dark haired and dark-eyed, too.’ He sighed. ‘Come on, let’s go back to the house.’
On the walk back, Johnny continued his story. ‘I stayed in the studio until late the next morning. I checked on the girls, they were fine. Tom’s car had gone, so I went to see if there was any sign that Nicci had gone with him. I honestly wouldn’t have cared if she had.’
Chapter 81
1986
Reassured that his daughters were okay, Johnny headed through the house to his and Nicci’s room. He half-expected to see wardrobe doors and dresser drawers flung open, Nicci having packed in haste and fled, but when he opened the door she was asleep in bed. He sat down and watched her. Normally she looked so peaceful in sleep, but not today. She looked grey and haggard, her hair a tangled mess on the pillow. When she was still sleeping fifteen minutes later, Johnny grabbed clean clothes and walked through to the bathroom to shower and change. He felt like shit, and not because of what he’d had to drink.
Johnny was nursing a mug of coffee at the kitchen table when Nicci crept downstairs an hour later, looking no better awake than she had asleep. She took a mug and poured for herself, then sat down opposite him. Johnny looked at her but didn’t speak. She dropped her eyes under his scrutiny.
‘Johnny … I’m sorry.’
‘Oh, well that’s all right, then.’ He was angry again, trying to keep a lid on it and failing. ‘You fuck my best mate for half of our married life, but you’re sorry. Are you sorry about Rebecca, as well?’
A flash of the old Nicci showed as she said hotly, ‘I could never be sorry about Rebecca. She’s a lovely kid.’
‘She is, and as far as I’m concerned, she’s my kid. I was there when she was born, remember? My name is on her birth certificate, I’m the one she calls “Daddy”. She’s mine, just like Christabel is.’ Nicci looked startled, taken aback by his words. ‘I’ll fight you for them, Nicci. You and Tom aren’t taking my girls away.’
Nicci was frightened. Johnny’s tone told her it was over between them, no going back, and she was starting to realise too late that she didn’t want that. ‘Don’t be hasty—’ she started to say.
‘Hasty?’ he shouted. ‘Fucking hasty? You destroy my world in a heartbeat, and you tell me not to be hasty?’
Nicci shushed him. ‘Not here ... the girls—’
‘Come on, then,’ he said, marching back to their room. ‘Let’s go somewhere we won’t be disturbed.’ Nicci scurried behind, disorientated as she saw things spiral out of control.
In the bedroom with the door closed, they found themselves with nothing to say. Johnny turned away to hide tears, fighting to get them under control, not daring to speak. He hadn’t thought he had any tears left after the amount he had shed the previous night. Nicci came up behind him, put her hand on his shoulder. ‘Johnny—’
He shook her hand away. ‘Don’t fucking touch me.’
‘It doesn’t suit you to be so self-righteous, you know. What about you? What about all the women you’ve had over the years? Jesus, Johnny. I don’t know how you dare go on like this.’
‘That’s not fair. That was different.’ He wiped tears from his eyes.
‘How? How was it different? Because it was you and not me? Hypocrite!’ She spat the word at him.
‘Because I didn’t screw a mate. Because I didn’t have kids with them. Because I didn’t love any of them.’
‘That’s worse.’
‘No. No way.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘Don’t pretend you didn’t know what we got up to when we were away. You knew, and provided it didn’t come home to roost, you didn’t care. Be that honest, at least.’
‘I
did
care. Don’t say I didn’t. Yes, I knew, but I didn’t know how to make you stop.’ She choked on her tears. ‘But I did care, Johnny.’
The door flew open and Christabel bounced in. ‘Thank you for the presents, Johnny,’ she chirped, then stopped, puzzled by what was going on. She had never seen her parents row or cry before. Johnny picked her up and twirled her round, so that her back was to Nicci.
‘That’s okay, princess, you’re welcome. I’m glad you liked them.’ He walked out of the room with her and found Kristen hurrying up the stairs towards them.
‘I’m sorry, she got away from me when I wasn’t looking.’
‘That’s okay, Kristen, no harm done.’ He put his finger under Christabel’s chin, turned her face up to his. ‘Everything’s okay, sweetheart. Mummy and I just need to talk about something.’ He kissed her nose. ‘Is that all right?’ She nodded. ‘You go with Kristen, then, and we’ll get together later.’
‘For a story.’
Johnny nodded, smiled at his daughter. ‘For a story.’ He kissed her again and set her down. She took Kristen’s hand and was led away, looking solemnly back at her father as she went.