By the time Johnny went back into the bedroom, Nicci had got herself under control. ‘This is pointless,’ she told him. ‘We could go round in circles forever like this.’
Johnny nodded. ‘I know.’
‘Let’s call a truce.’
He shook his head. ‘How?’
‘Well, it’s less than a fortnight until you go on tour. Let’s try to focus on the girls, put this behind us.’ She forced a brittle smile, which was at odds with the desperation in her eyes.
Johnny was incredulous. ‘What? You think after all this, there’ll still be a tour? Nicci, there isn’t even a band.’ He turned on his heel and walked out.
Chapter 82
‘I couldn’t believe it,’ Johnny said as they went in through the kitchen door. ‘She honestly thought that everything could go on as before. There was no way I could have continued in the band, and as for touring with Tom, I’d have murdered him within a week.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘I hated him so much, Alex. When I thought about him, I got a red mist behind my eyes, real cartoon rage stuff.’
‘You’d loved him, though. All that emotion had to go somewhere. You can’t just turn it on and off like a tap.’
She put her arms around him and he buried his face in her neck. He’d had enough for now. They could talk later, there was no hurry. The important thing was that he was talking, was facing up to things, not running away.
Later that evening, Johnny lay on the sofa with his head in Alex’s lap. Alex had her fingers knotted in his hair. Tom Waits sang in the background and a second bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon had been opened.
Johnny was deep in thought. There was more to tell, and he wanted to tell it, to get it out of his system. Alex had been right about it eating away at him. But he wanted to conceal it, too: he was scared of where it might all end up, what it might lead to. Still, scared or not, it had to be faced. He took a deep breath and plunged on with his story.
Chapter 83
Three days after Tom Watson had left the Burns house, he returned. Johnny saw him come up the drive and park out front. He took no notice, went instead to find the kids and spend some time with them. Let Tom and Nicci do whatever they wanted.
He noticed a couple of hours later that the car was still there. Maybe Nicci was packing; maybe she was taking a lot of persuading. Johnny didn’t care either way. He wandered downstairs and out into the garden. It was a drizzly day but he needed to clear his head. He mooched about for a while then on impulse decided to go into the village.
As Johnny was driving into Helmsleigh, he spotted Tom’s car in his rear-view mirror. He ignored it, drove to the newsagent’s and parked. Tom pulled in behind him. Johnny went into the shop and bought a couple of magazines, and some toys and sweets for the girls. Tom was waiting for him when he came out. Johnny blanked him, got in his car and put the stuff he’d bought on the passenger seat. Tom was talking, trying to get Johnny’s attention. Frustration got the better of him and he yanked the car door open. ‘Talk to me. Johnny, please.’
‘Why? There’s nothing to say.’
‘There’s everything to say.’ Tom made sure that Johnny couldn’t get the door shut and drive off. ‘Look, just walk with me round the village green. Hear me out. If I can’t convince you that we need to talk for longer, I’ll go.’
Johnny shrugged. ‘I can’t see the point, but if it’ll make you fuck off once and for all …’ He got out of the car and locked it up, concentrating on keeping a lid on his emotions. It tore him apart to see Tom. He looked like the man who had been his best friend for the past quarter-century, but everything had changed. Johnny got vertigo just thinking about it. One mad tour of the village green, then that would be it. He’d never have to see Tom Watson again. The thought cut him. He struggled to imagine his life without Tom in it. He found that harder than seeing his life without Nicci in it.
‘Johnny, I’m sorry. Nicci and I never meant for it to happen, I swear. It was just one of those things.’
Johnny exploded, angry beyond measure, despite his good intentions. ‘Just one of those things? Tom, it went on for five fucking years. “Just one of those things” might have covered a one-off when you were both pissed, something you never repeated. A clandestine five-year affair that produces a child just doesn’t qualify.’
‘No … look, that came out all wrong.’
‘And don’t tell me that she didn’t mean anything to you, or I’ll fucking kill you.’
‘No, of course she did …’ How could Tom explain when he didn’t fully understand it himself. He loved Nicci, but he loved Johnny more. He had never meant things to drift on for so long, but he needed to see Rebecca. If it came down to a straight choice between Nicci and Johnny, however, he chose Johnny. And Heartbreaker.
‘Does Jackie know?’
Tom stared at him. ‘No,’ he said eventually, ‘she has no idea.’
‘Christ, you’re a piece of work. Did you keep her hanging on so she’d provide cover for you?’ Tom’s silence told him all he needed to know. ‘You heartless bastard. That girl worships you.’
‘So punch me, if it makes you feel better. Just don’t split the band up, Johnny. Please don’t do that.’
‘Is that what this is all about?’ Johnny was a picture of disbelief. He turned to confront Tom. ‘After all the hurt and the misery you’ve caused, your biggest concern is the fucking band? Tell me you’re joking.’
‘No, I’m not joking. We can’t stop being friends, we’ve been friends for too long. And we can’t split the band up. Especially not over a chick.’
Johnny pushed Tom backwards. ‘That chick just happens to be my wife, you evil cunt.’ He pushed him again, trying to goad him into a fight. Johnny wanted to kick the shit out of Tom, but he wouldn’t beat up somebody who wouldn’t fight back. He pushed him again, then slapped his face a couple of times, open handed slaps, as much an insult as an attack.
Tom shook his head, his ears ringing. He wasn’t going to fight Johnny. He’d take a beating, if that would make Johnny feel better, but he had no intention of fighting him. The band was due to get together in a week for the upcoming UK tour and Tom was determined that it would go ahead. He would get Johnny there by sheer force of will if he had to. Heartbreaker meant too much to him to give up on it. Heartbreaker had so much left still to achieve.
It was clear to Johnny that Tom wasn’t going to be goaded. ‘There is no band, Tom. Get used to it. I suggest you contact the others and tell them the tour’s off.’ Johnny spat the words out; then gave Tom one last almighty shove, practically knocking him off his feet. He walked away, climbed in his car and just about broke the world land-speed record driving home.
Johnny screeched to a halt outside the house and leapt out of the car. He was pumped full of adrenaline, angry and frustrated that Tom had refused to fight. He wanted to kill something with his bare hands. He strode back up the drive intending to try to walk off some of his anger, and had to dive to safety when Tom’s car raced in like a bat out of hell, mere seconds behind him.
Tom slammed the brakes on, skidded to a halt and jumped out of his car, leaving the engine running and the door open as he chased after Johnny.
Tom caught him and grabbed his arm, spun him round. ‘Talk to me, you stupid sod. We’ve got too many years behind us to throw it all away.’
Johnny threw a punch at Tom but caught him only a glancing blow having been knocked off balance when Tom spun him round. He got Tom by the shoulder and steadied him for his next shot, but Tom just stood there passively. Johnny had thought when Tom grabbed him that he was ready for a fight. Now he realised he had only wanted to stop him walking away. He pulled the punch, dropped his fist just as Nicci came running up the drive towards them.
‘Stop it. What the hell do you think you’re doing?’
Johnny stared at her blankly. ‘Nothing. Tom’s just leaving. He’s going to contact Dan, Andy, Paul and Colin and break the news that the tour’s off and the band’s finished.’ He looked at Tom. ‘Unless you want to get yourselves another guitarist. I hear Wayne Cousins is looking for a gig. He’s not a bad axeman.’ He turned his back on them both and strode towards the house. His anger had all but dissipated and he was left feeling exhausted and sick at heart. He just wanted to be alone.
Johnny didn’t look back. If he had, he would have seen Nicci try to comfort Tom, and Tom push her away. He heard Tom’s car door slam as he drove off, but he didn’t hear Nicci sobbing as she walked back to the house and went to her room to cry.
Chapter 84
‘It was a horrible, miserable week. Tom rang me every day. “We can’t not be friends, we can’t not be in a band together, we can’t not tour”, all of that, over and over. He just wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’d moved into one of the spare rooms away from Nicci, but she was on at me all the time, too. I asked her to move out, told her it was over. She wouldn’t accept it, she kept going on and on about keeping things “normal” for the girls. If it wasn’t that, it was “talk to Tom, talk to Tom”. I was going crazy with the two of them hounding me.’ Johnny reached for his glass of wine, took a drink.
The room was wreathed in shadow, the light having bled from the day while Johnny talked.
No lamps had been turned on: Johnny preferred it that way. He didn’t want Alex to be able to see his face when he told her about his last meeting with Tom Watson. He certainly didn’t want to be able to see her expression. He had a feeling Tom Watson was about to cost him another relationship.
Chapter 85
Tuesday, 10th June 1986
Johnny was heading into London to meet with Tom, having been worn down by his future ex-wife’s pleading and his former friend’s persistent phone calls. Since their showdown the previous week, Johnny had refused to have Tom at his house. He would not allow Tom to see Rebecca, not until he had divorced Nicci and gained custody of his daughters, maybe not even then. With so much hurt, it was getting hard to think straight.
Tom paced the floor at his home, impatient for Johnny’s arrival. He was determined to persuade him that things should go ahead as planned. He hadn’t told any of the other band members about what had happened; as far as they were concerned, everything was fine and they hadn’t heard from Johnny because he was busy.
Tom regretted the affair with Nicci. He should have nipped it in the bud after that first time following the Bonfire Night party, with Johnny lying unconscious in the room down the hall. He had never meant to sleep with Nicci, she was his best mate’s wife, for Christ’s sake. All he had intended to do was to comfort her. But then Nicci had slid her arms around his neck and kissed him, had looked at him with fuck-me eyes and dared him to kiss her back. What the hell was he supposed to do? She was a very sexy woman and Johnny was a train wreck. It had been too easy to step in and become her lover. By the time Johnny was getting back to normal, she was too hard a habit to break. Then there was Rebecca.
The lounge in Tom’s house was upstairs; it had three French windows, each with a small balcony. The evening was hot and muggy, and the windows had been flung open in a desperate attempt to introduce a breath of air.
Tom had packed in smoking some years earlier, but over the past few weeks he’d taken to having the odd cigarette or two. He associated smoking with stress relief. He checked the pack in his jacket pocket; empty. He threw it in the bin, then glanced at his watch and decided he had time to nip out to the pub to buy a fresh packet. He had a feeling he would need them before the night was out. He checked his pockets for money and keys, then dashed downstairs and out onto the street.
Five minutes later, Tom was heading back from the pub, a lit cigarette in his hand, when he saw Johnny walking towards him. They met at the door and were already arguing as they climbed the stairs to the lounge.
‘Get real, Tom,’ shouted Johnny. ‘We can’t go on as if nothing has happened, you must see that.’
‘Heartbreaker is everything we ever wanted. You can’t walk away from that. You love performing. That buzz when you go on stage before the lights go up, the energy from the crowd, the way they go wild when you pull off a great solo. You can’t give that up. It’s like air to you now, you need it to live.’ Tom stopped suddenly. ‘I need it. I need you and I need the band. Come on, mate.’ He reached out to Johnny. Johnny shrugged Tom’s hand off his arm. ‘Come on, Johnny. Don’t tell me you could walk away from everything we have.’
‘I’ll miss it, I won’t deny that. Maybe I’ll put another band together, I don’t know. But I’m not doing this tour and I’m no longer a part of Heartbreaker. Accept that.’
‘Remember what the Tarot said when we first came down to London? Do you remember? When we were kids? It said we’re meant to be together, together we’re unbeatable.’
Johnny racked his brains. It seemed so long ago. Half a lifetime. ‘Didn’t it say we were unbeatable as long as we were true to each other?’
Tom shrugged.
‘Well then. It’s broken. It’s over. You’ve ruined it.’
‘Think of the bands we were in before this one. You can put together all the bands you like, they won’t have the magic ingredient Heartbreaker has. And we’re not finished yet. We’ve still got so much to do, we’re still climbing the mountain.’ He threw his hands up in frustration. ‘Christ, Johnny, do you want the rest of your life to be a fucking anti-climax? What is there to live for without Heartbreaker?’
Johnny lost it. ‘If it means that much to you, you shouldn’t have jeopardised it by fucking my wife,’ he shouted. ‘You shouldn’t have had a kid with her and let me think she was mine. And you shouldn’t be lying to Jackie about all of this. You’ve been cheating on her for years, same as you cheated on me, just so you had a smokescreen for seeing Nicci. It’s over, Tom. Finished.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘Look on the bright side; you can get out at the top like you always wanted. There’s even an open window there that you can jump out of.’ Johnny turned to go.