Authors: Paloma Meir
“My God Adam, nobody deserves anything. Why do you even think like this? Did you deserve to be abandoned by your mother, forced to fend for yourself and your little brother? Tell me Adam what did you do to deserve that? And when will this debt be paid off?”
“Faye,” He fell to his knees again, his head on her lap. Heaving sobs rocked through his body as Faye ran her hands through his hair, whispering sweet words of love.
…
They woke the next morning entangled in one another as they had woken up most mornings of their lives. Faye sighed heavily as she looked onto Adam’s sleeping face. His eyes were swollen and red in the same way she suspected hers were.
She had held him up the night before as they stumbled up the stairs. The emotional breakthrough she had always wanted from him spilled out. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in a frame of mind to support him in the way she had always imagined.
He spoke, the words pouring from him in a mix of English and Croatian. Faye had never learned more than the most basic conversational phrases of his mother tongue. But she instinctively knew the most painful parts were being said in the language she could not understand.
She had been tense while comforting him and found it hard to fall asleep. Adam thrashed around in the bed beside her, occasionally shouting out in his slumber. She held him tighter, whispering warm words, until she too finally drifted off.
“Adam,” She spoke softly, “I have to get ready for my day. Would you like me to make you breakfast before I go?”
“Are you still seeing him?” He opened his widely and stared up at the ceiling.
“I’ll be saying goodbye to him today.”
“Do you love him?” He grunted.
“I don’t know how to answer that.”
“It’s a simple question Faye.”
“He’s much younger than me, not much older than our girls…”
“Older woman who chase after younger men, it’s undignified, desperate.”
“I didn’t chase after him, we fell into one another.” She disentangled herself from him, too tired to be angry, but still a touch offended, “You seem to be living under a double standard, all the women you’ve been with were around the same age as Nick.”
“And you claim you didn’t do this to get back at me.” He laughed.
“Think what you want,” She got out of bed, and pulled her robe tightly around her, “I’m going to make coffee. Would you like a cup?”
“Faye, I didn’t mean it. I’m angry… I want us to be right again.”
“Do you think that’s possible?”
“Are you saying we’re over?”
“No,” She sighed and stared out the window, “But I don’t think in our emotional state this conversation is going to be productive. I’ll go make us coffee.”
“I love you Faye,” He called out as she exited their bedroom.
“I love you too.”
…
She forced herself to eat a banana as the coffee percolated in her new Bunn Infusion brewer. The fruit was bland and heavy as she dutifully chewed. Swallowing was difficult, her body stiff.
She glanced at the clock as she poured the coffee into the elegant simplicity of her new Fortessa coffee cups. The mugs were sturdy and with delicate curved handles. She did not regret purchasing the cups, but questioned why she had bought forty-eight of them. They had never had more fifteen or sixteen people in their home at one time and she didn’t think her eventual new life in Laguna would be much different.
“Lottery madness, so happy it’s coming to an end,” She mumbled to herself as she saw it was 9:00 A.M. “Time to get ready.” She trudged back up the stairs to Adam.
Faye sat slumped in the chair across from Serge. As much as she tried, she could not sit upright. Her clothes felt ill-fitting and her hair limp. She twisted her hands in an attempt to connect with her surroundings.
Serge shuffled through her hastily scrawled notes, making comments every so often. She nodded her head as if she were keeping up. His speech was more echoes than fully formed words to her racing mind.
“Who’s Nick Andrews?” He asked with a trace of frustration in his voice.
Faye shook her head loose of trailing thoughts and focused on the man she remembered finding attractive many months before. He was still a very handsome man but she could not imagine him or anyone else sending her into the giggling fits she had experienced at their first meeting. “He’s a friend...” She replied with all the effort her body would allow.
“He’s a friend you want me to hire a private investigator for and trace in order to give him 20,000 dollars annually for the next twenty years? What kind of a friend can’t you keep track of yourself?” He asked without his usual amusement.
“It’s best if we don’t communicate but I need to know that he’s all right.”
“He’s your hookers, drugs and guns?”
“What?” She shook herself awake, in an effort to understand what he was talking about.
“Hookers, drugs and guns. You were worried about them when you first came to see me. The curse of the lottery? It seems as if you invited it in yourself.” He sat back in his chair and ran his hand through the dark tousle of his hair.
“No it wasn’t like that.” She dismissively waved him away.
“It’s pretty clear something happened between you and Mr. Andrews. Something that’s left you in the rag doll condition you’re in now. I would say something of a romantic nature. I’m sure it was all very dramatic, a lot of highs and lows?”
“I suppose… but not in that way exactly.”
“I’ve had many relationships in my life… some that are or should I say were hard to let go of, some where the partner found it hard to let go. But none where either party felt the need to track and financially care for the other for the rest of their lives.”
“You don’t understand… He’s very young… and destructive, to himself, not to others… Well not so much to others… petty theft, that kind of thing.”
“You found yourself a devilishly charming criminal?”
“It’s not what you think.” She leaned forward in her chair and clutched the edge of the table.
“Tell me how it’s different.”
“We’re very connected—
“Faye… You set everything up so well to avoid this kind of mess, but again, in the end you invited it in.”
“I told him that one day I would tell the story of the two us and the listener wouldn’t hear it any other way than what you’re describing—
“And what did he say to that?”
“I don’t know I fell asleep.”
“Sleep of true love I’m sure.”
“No, he was much younger than me… It really wasn’t like that. We were always friends first.”
“Well… you’ll have memories to last a lifetime. That’s what they should remain, memories. Go back to your real life Faye. Let the boy go. He’ll be fine. People like him always are.”
“People like him… How he behaves and who is, are two different people.”
“I can see you’re not ready to let this go… Tell me though, is your marriage okay? Does your husband know? You two seemed very happy together the few times Cassandra and I spent time with both of you.”
“It hasn’t ended if that’s what you mean.”
“Do you want it to end?”
“No… In a perfect world I would want… I don’t know what I would want in the perfect world.” She sat up high in the chair, a feeling of lucidity flowing over her, “Nick has to go… He has his young life to live. I do need to know that he’ll be all right. Can you do this?”
“No. Put the money for him aside for now. Come back in six months, if it’s still something you want to do it, I’ll setup a lifetime of surveillance for him."
“I don’t want to set up a lifetime of surveillance for him,” Laughter rolled through her body, rocking her until tears fell from her eyes. Serge looked on with his usual amusement, finally succumbing to her fit and joining her in the laughter.
“Thank you… I haven’t felt this light in days.” She managed to say. “His stepfather is in Maine, maybe I can…”
“Maybe you can what?”
“Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you. But is everything else in order?” She pointed towards her list that lay upon his desk.
“Yes, good job. You did make a difference. Good choices. Other than your very broken heart, I think you have everything you ever wanted. So buck up, Faye.” He smiled warmly to her, and went back to discussing the disbursement of her fortune.
Faye sat in her car in front of the restaurant. She was already ten minutes late for their lunch, but found she couldn’t move. The calm feeling that everything would be okay had left her the moment she walked out of Serge’s office. She forced herself out of the car and marched towards the restaurant.
Her body felt atremble as she walked into the café. He sat at their table, menu in front of him even though he had already memorized it. She was torn between wanting to throw her arms around and cry into his strong shoulders until the end of time or run the other way forever.
“Hey Faye, I’m going to try the pancetta scramble you’ve been going on about.” His bright smile blinded her, and she twisted her hands unable to sit down at the seat across from him.
“I love you,” She froze in place unable to move.
“Woah… Faye,” He held his hands up playfully but his face visibly paled, “I don’t do that—
“I know…” Her head felt light, and she placed her hand on the back of the chair to steady herself, “And I don’t want to be with you that way… And I can’t live with you here. It’s too hard, and it’s not good for either of us.”
A coldness filled his eyes as he stared at her, his mouth a tight line across his face.
“I don’t know where you feel you’re from. You’ve told me so many things,” She forced herself to smile to disrupt the flow of tears she worried would fall down her face, “You need to pick somewhere… I would feel better if you went to your step-father or friends but you have to leave either way.”
“I’ll move out of the apartment. I’ll go back to… doesn’t matter where. You don’t need to know about it.” He threw the menu on the table.
“There’s nothing for you here, only me.”
“I was fine before I met you.”
“I’m going to buy you a plane ticket,” A tear fell from eye and she looked down at her handbag to hide her emotional state from him, “First class… I won’t be cheap with you. Where do you want to go?”
“I’m not going anywhere. I like Los Angeles. It’s a big city. You won’t see me again.”
“Where do you want to go?” Her voice broke with every word.
“New York,” He said after a long silence, “I know a ton of girls in the city. They’ll take care of me.”
“No,” She felt her heart rip in her chest, deflating but she held herself steady, “I’ll give you money to start a new life on your own… You don’t have to—
“I don’t need your money,” He screeched his chair back and stood up, "I want to stay another couple days. I’m going to miss the beach life. Make the reservation for Friday. Email it to me.” He brushed past her, his shoulder against hers. It took all the energy of her entire spirit to not reach out and hold him. “And Faye… Thanks for everything. I mean it.” And he was gone.
She stumbled past the waitress and a group of tourists almost falling into them as she made her way to the bathroom. Her hands shook and a feeling of emptiness filled her chest. She felt everyday of her life as she closed the stall door and cried into her hands.
…
Faye staggered into her house in a heap of tears, falling to her knees in the entryway. A chill ran through her body and she hugged herself tightly. Closing her eyes, she fell asleep only to awaken after how long she didn’t know, to find the tears still flowing down her face.
“No,” she screamed out to her empty home, “I will not fall apart. Not good for Nick, myself or even Adam.” She abruptly stood up in a failed attempt to gain control over herself. The tears would not stop.
“Nick, Nick, Nick…” She muttered as she lowered herself into her office chair. “I’ll let you go, I don’t have a choice and really why would you want to spend anytime with someone who talks to themselves,” She laughed through her sobs.
“But first a few last bossy gestures… I really never understood why you thought I was bossy. I’m so pleasant, everyone likes me… although now that I’ve lost my mind…” She opened several browser windows and went to work.
She closed the computer a little over an hour later satisfied that she had done all she could do, “Serge was right, you’ll always be okay, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it to try to make things a little better for you. I’ll miss you so much.” She fell asleep again before the waves of tears could fall.
…
“Faye, Faye,” She felt herself being embraced and for a fleeting moment she thought it was Nick, but it was Adam. She shook him off of her. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” She managed to say before the tears took over her being.
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” He tried to hold her again. She shook away.
“I told him goodbye. Please just let me be.” She threw herself down on the computer table and wept into her arms.
“No,” He forcefully picked her up out of the chair as she flailed, and carried her up the stairs to their bedroom.
…
Adam canceled his appointments the next day to stay home with his silent and tearful wife. He pretended she had the flu instead of a never ending heartache for someone who was not him. He made her soup and her favorite endive salad, sitting by her in the bed, rubbing her hands and feet, talking about his favorite memories of their daughters growing up.
Faye nodded along when she was able to compose herself, more at the absurdity and sweetness of Adam trying to pretend that everything way okay. There was nothing okay in Faye’s world and she did not know if she anything would ever be all right again. Her life felt unmoored, slipping away.
The day drifted into night without Faye even bothering to brush her teeth. Adam propped her up against him in the bed and turned on the television to an old episode of Meercat Manor, thinking his wife couldn’t handle much more. Faye was completely aware of why he had chosen that particular show and for the briefest of moments fully loved her husband again.
“You’re a good man Adam,” She nuzzled her head onto his chest and squeezed his hand.
“I could have been better, and I will be better Faye. It’s a new start in life, maybe all of this was for the best.” He pulled her closer, “I’ll cancel my appointments for tomorrow again, and we’ll go to Laguna, see our new home.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t show you the house before I bought it. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you…”
“I never did anything to deserve the trust. But again, we’ll have a fresh start. Anyway, homes and decoration are women’s work. Just give me a comfortable bed to lay beside you on and I’m fine forever more.”
“Forever more?” Faye laughed.
“I’m trying to romance you.”
“That’s very nice… but maybe next week. You go to work, I need to catch up on my own work.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone in this condition. I’ll take the week off. Dario can cover for me.”
“Again, thank you but no. I need some time alone.” She closed her eyes and fell asleep before he could protest.
…
The days drifted by and Faye forced herself out of bed and into the home office. She couldn’t bear the thought of going into work but knew she had been away too long. Instead, she video chatted with her assistant, catching up on the day-to-day business of running her handbag line.
Lists and lists were made over the video conference with her assistant. A sudden fervor for her bags to be in Bergdorfs and other high end boutiques proved to be a solid momentary distraction from thoughts of Nick and how much better the day would be if she were only wandering the city with him. Unfortunately for her confused assistant, the diversion did not last long enough.
Faye collapsed into tears several times, telling her that the crying jags were only sneezing fits. Her assistant knew she was being less than truthful but felt powerless to help her boss. The two were close but had never lapsed into a true friendship.
Adam would come home at night with his arms piled high with take-out from Faye’s favorite restaurants. He plated the food at her computer table because she wasn’t willing to leave her office. The computer screen was open to files and files of spreadsheets that calmed her turbulent mind.
He chattered memories of their life together, all the good times. It was as if he were a living scrapbook. Faye understood his motives and appreciated his efforts but couldn’t be bothered to respond.
“You don’t have to do this,” she said to him a few nights into their new routine.
“These were the best days of my life. Almost losing you and the promise of our future that I took for granted… It’s woken me up Faye. All these memories are starting point, the best is yet to be.”
“It’s certainly turned you into a budding poet…” She sighed heavily, “I’m sorry, that was unkind.”
“Your indifference is a challenge. I’m going to win you back.”
“I don’t think you ever lost me. I lost myself.” She took his hand in hers and squeezed it hard to hold back the tears.
All too soon it was Friday morning, the day Nick was to leave for good.