Authors: Paloma Meir
Nick chattered non-stop as they got into the car. He yammered on about the Lamborghini, the high performance aspects. All Faye wanted was for him to shut-up.
Every meaningless word stung. She was scared to speak to him, make herself vulnerable to someone she suddenly felt she didn’t know at all. She hated herself and felt taken for a fool. And not a word could pass her lips.
“Hey,” He pointed to an off ramp, not long in to their drive home, “Look at the sign. Hadley’s, didn’t you want to stop there? You still want the banana shake?”
Her stomach was queasy with emotion and hunger from having skipped her breakfast. She felt dizzy from the lack of food, but to answer him was too much. She grunted a barely perceptible sound of agreement.
He pulled off the highway without acknowledging her reply and was out of the car and in the store before her legs had extended from the car. She had an urge to run back to the highway, hitchhike home, be a million miles away from him. Instead she took the sunglasses from her bag and placed them on her face. Head held high, she joined in him in line to order the shakes.
“Stacey lives on bananas, and almonds,” He laughed as the line moved ahead, “Shame I can’t bring her a shake back. It would probably melt, right?” He looked at Faye, a cold smile on his face, “Fucking almonds, they’re good for your skin, at least that what she always says,” He shrugged, “She does have that dewy skin. Must be right about it.”
Faye looked down at her crossed arms. Her skin was taut, healthy. She had always taken care of herself, worn sunscreen, eaten well, like the newly anointed expert on nutrition, Stacey. It was also clear that as attractive and well maintained as she was, she would never be twenty again.
She ran her hands up and down her arms as a chill shot through her body. His putdown worked as planned, Faye went outside to the benches and sat down, head in her hands. The idea of driving the two hours home with Nick was unbearable.
She took her phone out of her purse and wondered if an Uber were available in such a faraway desert town. Nick walked out as she was about to select the icon and gestured his head towards the car. She followed him, willing his silence with every part of her being.
“Here Faye, drink it,” He handed her the shake as she sat down in the seat, “You’re looking a little… Ahhh never mind.”
She held it in her trembling hand, “Tired, drawn, old?” She managed to squeak out.
“No, you take good care of yourself, look great for your age.” He patted her hand. She found it condescending and whipped it away from him. He didn’t seem to notice.
“I take care of myself… Hmmm… Thanks.” She turned and stared out the window, closing her eyes, hoping to fall asleep.
“Yeah… Stacey won’t hold up as well as you have.”
Her face tensed as she squeezed her eyes shut, “I thought you broke up with Stacey.”
“I did, she was getting serious, kind of like… never mind… Girls, women, they get obsessed with me, you know? Anyway I told you if she came around again… I would see her. But we are over…”
Faye wanted to bang her head against the window to get him to shut up. He carried on for the whole of the drive home talking about every girl he had ever dated. He spoke of them in disparaging ways, mocking their devotion to him.
Every word out of his mouth sunk her deeper into a feeling of having been duped. She curled up on the car door, clutching the handle, ready to jump out as soon as they arrived back at the car rental lot. There wasn’t much traffic, and they made it back to Venice quickly, but it still felt like an eternity to Faye, an eternity in Hell.
She grabbed the Lamborghini keys away from him as he took their shopping bags from the trunk and placed them in the back seat of her Volvo. The rental associate looked up from his computer with a snide expression on his face. She rolled her eyes and threw the keys on the counter, slamming the door behind her.
Nick smiled warmly as she approached her car, making her mind reel. She got into the front seat, started her car and began to drive before Nick had shut the door. She wished he had fallen out as she accelerated down Venice Blvd towards his apartment.
“Faye, are you okay?” He asked as she pulled in front of the building.
“I’m fine,” A hard, false smile filled her face.
“Are you sure?” He tilted his head and asked.
“Please, just get your bags and get out of my car.”
“Faye—
“Get out of my car, Nick,” She gripped the steering wheel and said through gritted teeth.
He shrugged, opened his mouth to respond, thought better of it and got out of the car.
Faye took off with a screech.
She opened the door of her house to find Adam standing in the entryway, dressed in a navy linen suit, his lustrous dark hair pushed back. He had never looked as handsome to her and this made her hate him. She thought of all his affairs, and how he would come home after being with the women and behave as if he were blissfully in love with his wife.
She decided he was a sociopath.
“You sicken me.” She yelled at him and stormed to her office, slamming the door.
“Faye, what?” He ran behind her, and threw open the door.
“I need time away from you. Please just leave me alone.” She sat down and swiveled her new Henry Miller chair towards the impressive cinema screen she had purchased with her new computer.
“I thought we worked through this?” He flew to her side, and bent down on his knee, trying to take her hand in his.
“How do we work through a lifetime of infidelity?”
“We—
“Give me space,” She grunted at him, tensing her hands, banging them on her brand new computer table, “I’m so behind at work. I haven’t been to my studio in weeks.”
“What? I thought you went there everyday—
“Did you not hear me? Please just go.” She felt as if her head was going to crack open. All the lies about Nick, her work, the money tumbled around her mind, bewildering her.
“Faye, we need to talk. You’re going through something…”
“Why don’t you take some time and consider what it’s like to live with someone for well over twenty years, share your life with them, have children with them, but that person lies everyday to you, lives a double life.”
“It wasn’t like that, and you know it.” He gripped her hand tightly, and wouldn’t let go, no matter how hard she tried to shake away. She burst into tears.
“Faye… what is going on?” He grabbed her, hugging her tightly, running his hand through her hair, “It’s going to be all right…” He said over and over again.
“Adam… I don’t know what… I’m so confused.” She cried into his shoulder, staining the fabric with her heavy tears.
“Sweetheart, no matter what it is, we’ll work it out. You’re everything to me, the light in my life, leading me out of the darkness. I know I haven’t been fair to you. It’s like the child me still needs to fight, push everything away.”
Faye closed her eyes tightly, willing herself to stop crying. His words rattled her deeply. It could have been Nick saying the same thing. She straightened her postured, gently moving out of his embrace, “I understand, I’ve always understood, but I have limits. I have feelings Adam, and it hurts so much. It hurt so much, I was afraid to even talk about it.”
“I am going to make this up to you. We have half our lives still in front of us. I’m going to make them good for you. No more women, no more reckless spending. We’ll go into couple’s therapy. We’ll work this out Faye.”
She stiffened at his choice of words, reckless spending stung, and hit her hard with the reality of her own reckless spending, being unfaithful, all of her lies, “I need time to think, not about whether or not to leave you, but to think about I want, what we want, what direction we should head in, okay?”
“I’ll give you the day,” He smiled to her as his eyes glossed over with held back tears, “I’m going to make you dinner tonight, steak, potatoes, all your favorites. I’m going to win you back Faye.” He stood up and smoothed the wrinkles from his suit.
“I would like that.” She looked up to him and truthfully said.
“I’ll try to make it back early. I have a full day with the management downtown at The Standard Hotel,” He looked down at his phone, “I’m late, Dario’s no good without me. They’ll wear him down on the price. I have to go. Call me if you need anything, or just want to talk.”
“I will.” She sat back in the chair, suddenly exhausted.
He gave her a kiss on the cheek as she closed her eyes. She was asleep by the time he shut the front door. A dreamless sleep, much to relief of her weary mind.
…
To bed she went, and to bed she stayed for three days. She told Adam she had the flu. He was kind, overly sympathetic, willing to do whatever it took to make things right with his wife again. Dinner was brought to her on a teak and sterling silver tray they had received decades before as a wedding gift but had never used.
Adam joked about living a luxurious life of being waited on hand and foot by an army of servants, saying Faye only deserved the best. His choice of jokes only pushed Faye deeper into the well of malaise. She didn’t know what made her feel sicker, the constant thoughts of Nick and his betrayal, or the nag and lies of ridding herself of the money.
Expressing himself had never been Adam’s strong suit, but he tried as his wife lay in a near comatose state on their bed. He vowed his everlasting love to her, promising to never stray again. Faye held her eyes tightly shut as he carried on. She knew she should tell him about Nick, but the pain in her heart was too hurtful to express.
She tried to sleep the days away. It wasn’t possible. She watched television, mindless reality shows about people picking through what looked like garbage and finding hidden treasures. She ordered takeout, leaving strict instructions for the deliverymen to leave the food at her door. Back in the safety of her bed, she picked at it, unable to eat, and fell back to sleep.
She woke on the fourth morning of her bed-in, disgusted with herself. She was a pragmatic woman, giving into emotional whims had never been part of her life. She marched herself into the shower and stood under the hot stream of water, scrubbing away the days of sweaty filth from lying in bed. California drought be damned, she thought to herself as a battle cry to get through the long day ahead of her.
Dressed in a black silken frock and her golden hair pulled tightly back into a ponytail, she diligently walked down the stairs to her office. The sight of what could possibly be Nick at the corner of her eyes, sitting on the tree trunk down the road from her house shook her resolve for a moment. A shiver ran through her, and her eyes filled with tears.
“No,” she screamed out to her empty home, and quickly closed all the blinds. To spend a moment contemplating him would spiral her back to bed, of that she was sure. Still, intrusive thoughts of him invaded her as she walked into her office.
His smiling face filled her mind’s eye and she could almost feel his gentle kisses across her face. She closed her eyes as if reliving the moment, but quickly shook visions of him away. “No,” she chided herself again.
She sat forcefully down at her desk, ready to do away with the money issue. Her original plan of a year was unreasonable. She wondered why she had ever thought she could carry on with the subterfuge for such a long period of time. Best not to question, action is what is needed, she thought to herself and opened The Gates Foundation Malaria webpage ready to donate the remainder of her money.
“This is ridiculous,” she said out loud, her voice filled with frustration, “My millions will only be a drop in the bucket compared to his, no use at all.” She shut the webpage and continued her tirade, “Adam was right, act locally. Bill Gates probably doesn’t even care about the lost souls that are scattered all over my city. It’s my duty to help them. Why am I talking to myself? I’ve lost my mind.”
She shook her head fiercely and opened the desk drawer for a pad of paper to write down a new course of action. Paper felt more real to her, she could doodle her notes and thoughts in the margins, come to a conclusive plan. She reached into the drawer and pulled out an old notebook.
Underneath was a half empty pack of months old cigarettes. Her hand hovered over the stale pack. She grabbed it and the lighter and ran outside to the shade of her favorite tree. She trembled as she lit the cigarette, drawing the smoke into her body. The sweet relief of the nicotine traveled through her and she fell to the ground in tears. Her money problems were nothing in comparison to her heartbroken grief over Nick.
…
Over the next few days Faye came up with a course of action. She worked like a robot, pushing aside any emotions and focusing on how to serve her community. She wrote notes after notes of proper dispersals for long-term success of the three chosen organizations that best served people needing a hand up.
She was reluctant to just give the money over in one lump sum. The founder of one of the organizations not far from her home wasn’t someone she trusted. The group did excellent work with the transient community but the women running it made cheap jokes at the expense of the ones seeking help. Faye laid out a plan in her notes for the money to be given on an annual basis requiring their board approval before disbursement. She made a note not to require that caveat with the other endowments.
An uncharacteristic passive-aggressive glee filled her as she finalized the plan in the notebook. She knew the woman would never know of the easier terms her other choice of organizations received, but Faye knowing was enough. Satisfied with her charitable works, she flipped the page in her binder.
She didn’t change much in her family plan. The girls would still only be receiving 40,000 a year, but she did change the date and amount of their lump sum to one million dollars on their thirtieth birthdays. Nick had been right about that, she thought to herself, and quickly shooed thoughts of him away.
She had gone over budget with the house in Laguna, but only by three hundred thousand dollars. The furnishings budget had quadrupled, but all in all, not bad considering how out of control most people would have behaved in her position. She drew a line under her final figures and added Dario and Cassandra’s name and felt embarrassed that she hadn’t considered them in her original plan.
She glanced up at the line for Adam’s gift and raised the figure and gave Dario an equal amount. Cassandra was difficult to consider. One just can’t hand over a mountain of money to a friend. She knew she would have to make a gift of it.
Travel, there was nothing more in the world Cassandra loved to do more than trot around the world. Faye opened the browser to a luxurious travel agency she had read about in Conde Nast Traveler years before. She fished the black American Express card out of her handbag and purchased her a 100,000-dollar gift certificate.
Waves of relief ran over her as she realized the money problem was solved. Her life may have have been a mess, but the greatest source of stress was gone. She picked up the phone to call Serge to make an appointment to finalize her plans and went outside to where she hid her stale cigarettes beneath the magnolia tree in an old lunchbox.
“Laura? Hi, it’s Faye, I’m calling to make an appointment with Serge,” She said as she sat down beneath the shade of the tree and opened the box. The cigarette pack was empty. She felt a mild panic.
“Hi Faye, what day would you like?”
“Any day, actually no, as soon as possible would be best.” Faye mumbled into phone, her focus shifted to trying to remember if she had any other packs around her house.
“Monday, the 7
th
?” Laura asked.
“Fine, fine, fine… see you then and thank you.” Faye threw down the phone and buried her head in her hands, pulling at her ponytail. The thought of leaving the house was too much for her, and she knew she couldn’t wait 45 minutes to an hour for a delivery service to bring her a fresh pack.
She picked up her phone and stood up, disgusted with herself for falling back into her secret habit, and dreaded going out to buy more cigarettes. The outside world seemed too big for her. She had been avoiding it for well over a week.
The thought of bumping into Nick was too much for her. She knew he had been skulking around outside her home in the morning, waiting for her by the tree. She glanced down at the time on her phone and saw it was 3:30. A relief filled her, she was sure he wouldn’t be outside her home at that hour.