Heartless (31 page)

He looked at me know. His blue eyes bored into mine and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t look away.

“But we didn’t, Heather. We lived. And we found each other. Maybe there’s no such thing as Fate or the power of the stars or even a God. Maybe it’s just
us
, and we managed to
find
each other. Because we
had
to, because we’re nothing without each other. We’re
less
. And our hearts need each other to heal, to love.”

I watched as his eyes began to glisten. The urgency, the conviction in his voice, was mesmerizing. And now that I knew who he was, I saw the similarities. Pastor Guthrie could woo the congregation like no one else. He could whip everyone into an exalted fervor and take them to such a place of love and certainty, of holiness.

“Until I met you I felt so lost, Heather. We
found
each other, don’t you see. We found each other so we could both be whole again.” I saw a tear slide down his cheek.

I loved Josh, and I hated that I loved him. He was the son of the man who had molested me, who had broken my faith, who had been responsible for the death of my parents, and of so many others.

I felt my own tears slide down my cheeks. Josh reached for my hands, but I slid them back and tucked them under the covers. I shook my head slowly, from side to side.

“I can’t…”

“Yes you can. You’re strong. Our love is strong. Stronger and purer than anything.”

I glanced out the window, remembering something I’d all but forgotten. It came back to me now.

“Pastor Guthrie preached about love that day. The day of the fire. Ethan and I were slipping out the side door, but I heard him talk about a strong, pure love. It was only an hour later that the house went up in flames…”

When I looked back at Josh I saw that his face had blanched. Silence strained between us.

Until it was broken by a booming Italian voice.

“
Joshua!
”

Josh whipped around. Leo stood in the doorway and stared at the two of us sitting on the bed.

“What you think you’re doing, Mr Hansen?” said Leo, an angry frown dipping out from under his handle-bar moustache.

“It’s my fault, Leo,” I said.

Leo, with his hands on his hips, looking angry and disappointed, shook his head.

“It’s not you, Miss Hedder. Joshua knows my rules.”

Josh’s shoulders relaxed and he looked at me. “It’s okay. I just needed to make sure you were all right.”

I nodded. Not at all sure if I was all right.

“I love you, Heather,” said Josh loud enough for Leo to hear.

Leo raised his bushy eyebrows.

“
Amore
? This has been going on a while then? Oh, Joshua, Joshua, Joshua.” Leo
tsked
as he shook his head side to side. “You’ve really disappointed me. Collect your tools and go.”

Josh stood up and faced Leo. “The name’s
Josh
, not Joshua. And I didn’t do this to disappoint you, Leo. Fate brought me and Heather together.”

He turned back to me. His blue eyes stared into mine. A part of me knew he was right. But how was I going to deal with it? There was no love strong enough to erase the past. I broke eye contact. Josh sighed. Then he headed for the door.

Leo shrugged as he passed by. “Fate, eh? Well, fate won’t get you your job back,
amici
.”

“Don’t fire him because of me,” I said to Leo after Josh had gone downstairs.

“I have
rules
. It is the way I do things and it works,” he said vehemently.

“I had a way of doing things, too, but I’m beginning to realize it won’t work in the long run. Some rules have to get broken. Sometimes our ways have to change.”

A bang from the kitchen made Leo turn away to investigate. As he walked off, I heard him cursing in Italian. I hopped out of bed and went to the window. Josh was rolling his bike down the driveway past the appliance truck.

I heard him say, “I could help you put the appliances in, Leo.”

“No! Go! You’re finished here.” Leo helped the two delivery guys maneuver up the steps and into the house. Josh looked up at my window. He mouthed the words, I’m sorry. I felt my throat tighten with another bout of oncoming tears. I had made his life hell since Saturday, and now I’d gotten him fired, but he was the one saying sorry. He still wouldn’t give up on me.

Before Josh had put his Triumph into gear, Brian’s pick up truck pulled up in front of the house. Uh oh. I watched as Brian got out and walked over to Josh. I could see them gesticulating but couldn’t hear what they were saying. Brian looked confused at first and then very serious. I hadn’t told him that Josh had been at my house these past weeks working on the reno. He was no doubt surprised to find him here. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or worried or what. And then the darndest thing happened; they shook hands.

Josh gave me one last wave and pulled away from the curb.

I threw on sweatpants and a hoodie and went downstairs to see what Brian wanted. The delivery guys were moving the fridge in now and I couldn’t get to the bottom of the stairs. Brian stood in the open front door and called up to me.

“Get dressed,” he said.

“I am dressed.” He looked me up and down.

“Dress better. I got you an appointment with your therapist. I’m driving you over.”

“You called Miranda?”

“I had to do something. You begged me not to call Wayne in Italy.”

“
Viva Italia
!” said Leo, and then he started whistling Italy’s national anthem. He finally got the fridge through to the kitchen, leaving me and Brian alone in the hall.

“Do I have time to take a shower?” I said.

Twisting his wrist to look at his watch, Brian said, “If you hurry. I’ll wait outside.”

He shut the door behind him. I guess I’d have to wait to find out what he’d said to Josh.

I had twisted my wet hair into a side braid and, as Brian’s truck chugged down Melrose, I felt a damp patch spread across my T-shirt-clad shoulder. It was hot today, and getting hotter. Brian didn’t believe in air conditioning, though he’d had to install it at the store or he’d have gone out of business ages ago. These were the things I thought about rather than the stuff I was sure Miranda was going to confront me about. And I knew I wasn’t off the hook with Brian when I heard him clear his throat.

“Look, kid,” he said. “I don’t know what kind of trouble you got yourself into with that biker guy on the weekend—I was ready to loosen the nuts on his tires for a bit there—and
why
didn’t you tell me he’s been working on your house all this time, that he thinks he’s your
boyfriend
?”

I shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

“
Complicated
?” Brian scoffed. “My ex likes to say that, too. Complicated. She says it when she can’t be bothered to explain something, or when she doesn’t damn well know what she’s doing.
It’s
not complicated, Heather.
You’re
the one whose complicated. And you’re the only one who can uncomplicate yourself.”

“You’re a shrink now, too, Brian?” My tone was more biting than I intended. Deep down I knew he was trying to help me, but I didn’t want his help.

He sighed. “You know how you and Eliana give me a hard time about being color-blind? Well, not being able to distinguish color, a guy’s got two choices. He can see the world in black and white, or he can pay attention to various shades of gray. The world isn’t black and white, Heather. Nothing in life really is right or wrong, good or bad, black or white. There’s always a bit of gray in there.”

“What’s your point?” This much talk with Brian was making me feel uncomfortable, even though I knew he meant well.

Brian pulled into a parking spot near Miranda’s office and turned off the engine.

“I don’t know if this guy Josh is bad for you or good for you, but after talking to him today it seems he’s more good than bad. He cares about you, that’s obvious. I jumped to conclusions the other night. You seemed so freaked out… Now maybe you’ll get all that off your chest with Miranda. I hope you do. I hope you can get past all that’s holding you back from moving ahead in your life. Because we all got crap we’re towing around with us. You think I don’t wish some things were different in my life? But I still got a life. And I’m determined to keep living it. You gotta find that in yourself, too.”

I was slumped against the window and dying to get out of the truck. “Thanks for driving me, Brian.” I levered open the door.

“I’ll be back in an hour to pick you up.”

Miranda gave me a hug when she saw me, and then she ushered me in to her office. She sat next to me on the couch, holding my hand. She hadn’t done that before. I felt as if I might burst into tears before I got any words out. She just stared at me with a lot of love and kindness. I felt my tears rise and start sliding down my cheeks.

“Tell me about Josh,” she said.

Everything about the weekend poured out. She held me as I cried and shuddered. I raged at the motorcyclists who tried to rape me. I fought Josh as he tried to embrace me with the truth. I desperately clung to the pain and despair that had numbed me these past three years. Until Josh. Until my heart began to open to Josh.

“Are you going to punish Josh for who he is the way you’ve been punishing yourself all these years? Are you going to let a dead man determine the rest of your life?”

“He did determine it by ruining it! He ruined me.”

I knew I had to tell her everything now.

Miranda held me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes. “Your life is not ruined, Heather. It’s just beginning.”

“He hurt me, Miranda.”

“Who? Josh? Did he force you to do something you weren’t ready for?”

I nodded. Then I shook my head. No. Not him. His father.

“Pastor Guthrie. I haven’t told you everything about him…”

Miranda leaned back on the couch but she still held my hand.

“What haven’t you told me?”

“Ethan wasn’t the first one to…to touch me.”

Miranda’s brow furrowed. “Pastor Guthrie touched you like that, too?”

Her eyes closed for a moment and then opened again. She looked at me with tenderness and concern. “Just once? Or more?”

I felt a sob like a cough rise up in my chest. I thought I might choke. I started trembling. I managed to get a few words out. “More. A lot. For years.”

“And your parents didn’t know?”

I shook my head. “He said it was holy. I believed him. When I tried telling my mother, she didn’t believe me.”

Miranda squeezed my hand and lifted my chin so I looked her in the eyes. “It was wrong what he did, Heather. It wasn’t your fault.”

I thought about what Brian just said in the truck, about nothing being completely right or wrong. But some things
were
wrong.

“In my head, in my body, it seems like my fault. Like I should have known better.”

“
He
was the one who should have known better, Heather. He betrayed your trust.”

“But do you understand now why I can’t be with Josh?”

Miranda didn’t answer right away. “I understand why your feelings are so strong. I understand why you’re so confused.”

“I’m not confused about Josh. I
can’t
be with him. It’s as simple as that.”

She sat quietly with me for a few more minutes. I calmed down a bit. My breathing evened out. I relaxed into the couch and even started to feel a little sleepy after riding this roller coaster of emotion.

“Heather,” said Miranda. “Do you love Josh?”

Any sense of sleepiness was gone and all my muscles tensed. Why was she asking me this after what I just told her? And why was my reaction so intensely conflicted? Everything in my body screamed ‘yes’ while everything in my mind screamed ‘no’.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my knees. I thought I’d emptied out my tears but a whole new batch spewed forth. I rocked back and forth, crying and moaning. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

“But the truth is you do,” said Miranda gently. “Despite all that has happened and all that you know, you still feel love for him.”

I wailed, and I nodded. She was right. I didn’t want her to be right. It was wrong for me to love Josh. It was bad.