Heartless (7 page)

Dear Moonchild, You might feel like an asteroid hurtling through space without a known destination, but have patience. You are on the right trajectory. Let yourself enjoy the ride.

Eliana had arrived early. She had color swatches and tiles and open catalogues and paint chips spread out on the large square table near the back of the store where she usually met with designers. She looked up and smiled when I walked in.

“Hey there, Heather Bear. What’s new with you?”

Eliana was half Korean and had the prettiest, widest, almond-shaped eyes and gorgeous straight black hair that she curled at the bottom when she had then time, which she must have had this morning. Her eyes were a bit puffy from lack of sleep but her make up was done up nice.

“You look great today,” I said. Not only was it true, but I knew how much a compliment meant to her as a new mom. She explained how most days she felt like a pajama-patterned doormat whose only purpose was to soak up vomit and drool. I liked that she could find the humor in the situation. At least I thought she was making jokes... What did I know? She seemed to be a great mom from my perspective, which was certainly a little biased.

Eliana looked me up and down and said, “Well, girlfriend, so do
you
. What’s with the makeover?”

That was an overstatement. So I’d worn a skirt today. Big deal. So I’d paired it with a shirt with sleeves and worn proper sandals instead of flip flops.

“Is that lip gloss?” said Eliana peering at my face.

Brian emerged from the back room. “I don’t know how you get your coffee to turn out like this, Eli, mine always tastes—” He stopped in his tracks when he saw me. “Wooo-eee. That’s a nice look.” He smiled approvingly. “What’s the occasion?”

I felt suddenly self-conscious. “There’s no occasion. I just felt like wearing this.”

Brian looked at Eliana. “No one’s complaining, right? You know, I don’t care what you two wear, so long as you’re decent.”

Eliana laughed. “We know you don’t care if our colors match, Brian.” She was always joking about his color blindness, though never in front of customers, and it was a friendly teasing between them. Brian was pretty tolerant. Though Eliana had been pushing the edges a bit lately. Brian blamed her sleep deprivation. “If she starts acting paranoid, we’ll have to give her some extra rest days,” he’d whispered to me one day.

Eliana turned her sharp gaze on me again. “Did Wayne and Marsha show you how to work the laundry machine before they left, honey? Or did you run out of shorts and tanks already?”

I rolled my eyes and huffed past her. This morning, her coffee might prove her only redemption.

“Sorry, sweetie,” she called after me. “Did I take that too far? I can’t tell anymore. You look
really
pretty. I mean it.”

I left my purse in the back room and took a moment to look at myself in the cramped bathroom. The mirror only showed me from the waist up, but what I saw did look nice. My pale pink t-shirt had a tiny frill along the scooped neckline, nothing fru-fru, just a bit feminine. That’s how I looked: more feminine. The mud mask had added a glow to my skin and the lip gloss accentuated that glow. Maybe the glow was from knowing I’d see Josh again later that day. Is that why I had put on a skirt? I felt the soft folds of draped jersey cotton hugging my thighs and flaring out just a bit above my knees. The skirt was a kind of khaki green and complemented my pale pink T-shirt. Not that Brian could tell, but I knew these colors worked well together. I decided I looked more feminine
and
I looked a bit older. I also looked more confident. “Fake it til you make it,” I said to my reflection.

I grabbed a mug of coffee and returned to the front of the store.

Eliana looked sheepish. “Heather, honey. Please don’t hate me because I’m tired. A person buried alive by laundry shouldn’t make fun of it.” She shuddered. “Some days I dread going home.”

“No worries, El. I can take it. I know you’re going through a lot right now.”

“Listen, your instinct to dress up a bit was a good one. I want you to sit in on my designer meetings today. Brian thinks it’s a good idea, too.”

“Really?”

She nodded. “I think you might be a natural. That outfit you put together is a good start.”

“I really didn’t think anyone paid attention to what I wore.”

“At your age, people pay more attention to what’s
underneath
what you’re wearing, only they pretend not to.” She sighed as she stared at my T-shirt. “They change after babies, FYI. Get kind of soft and squishy. Enjoy the bounce and perk while you’ve got it.”

Blushing a bit, I looked around to see if Brian was listening. Thank goodness he wasn’t.

Eliana leaned across the table. “So who came calling for you the other day? Brian said some biker dude came in, talked to you, and then left without buying anything.” She raised an eyebrow as my blush filled in. “Well?”

“Just a guy.” I coughed.

“A guy with name? Do you at least know his name?”

“Yes. But you and Brian don’t need to know it. We only had frozen yogurt once. Geez.” I pressed my skirt against my thighs as I willed my blush to fade.

Eliana giggled. “Don’t mind me. I’m just an old married lady trying to live vicariously through my younger co-worker.”

Eliana had to be all of twenty-six.

“But If you want my advice, and yes, I realize you didn’t
ask
, but definitely, without question, take
precautions
. Got it?”

“He’s only a friend. We haven’t even kissed yet. Maybe we never will.” I don’t think I sounded all that convincing but Eliana played along.

“Oh. Well. Then there’s nothing at all to worry about. Forget what I said.” She grinned like a Cheshire cat. Then she leaned over the table, glanced over her shoulder to see if Brian was still busy behind the counter, and said, “I know I don’t know your whole story, Heather, and you don’t need to tell me, but Brian’s protective of you for a reason, more than I think he needs to be, mind you, but even to me you seem a bit of an innocent. Just be careful. And if you ever need to talk, I am capable of listening. Some of the time.” She winked and smiled.

“Thanks, Eliana. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Not even Brian knew the whole story. No one did. If they had, innocent was not a word they would ever associate with me.

Eliana shook her dark, silky hair and rearranged the papers in front of her. “Now let’s get down to work. Archer Frye is coming in today and you know what a case she can be.”

At the end of my shift I went home to get ready. As I pulled into the driveway, I felt nervous and insecure about my upcoming date with Josh. I needed some serious beach-girl advice but she seemed to be AWOL at the moment. I had known Josh barely a week and already it felt like we’d been on our own private roller coaster. Why did I feel so scared? Why did I have a hard time trusting myself with him? Why didn’t I trust him? Why didn’t I trust anyone?

Because everyone you loved and trusted let you down
. Oh no. It was the Dark Voice.
They let you down and they left you alone. Marsha and Wayne were forced to take you in because no one wanted you. Your parents abandoned you. You weren’t good enough to go with them.

I didn’t need the dark voice anymore. I had thought it was as dead and buried as my parents. Beach-girl at least tried to help me out. When she felt like it. The Dark Voice only hurt.

I sat in the driveway trying to rein in my thoughts. I focused on my breathing. But my mind started playing tricks on me…

I thought I smelled smoke. The stench of gasoline-drenched wood burning… I rubbed the inside of my arm and hummed. The smoke smell receded to be replaced by the acrid smell of wet soot, that awful sour smell of the inside of the building after the fire was put out. I hummed louder and tapped my foot against the pedal of the parked car. I imagined I was at the beach. People were swimming and playing volleyball. Someone was tending a barbeque. The smell of smoking coals mixed with the scent of the sea breeze and tanning lotion… I pushed the sense memories in a more positive direction.

“Hey, Heather? Are you all right?”

My eyes shot open. Through the windshield, off to the left on the other side of the fence, stood Dalton, the neighbor. He scraped at his barbeque while he squinted at me through the smoke rising from the grill. He waved his spatula.

“Sorry, can’t control the wind. We’re having company tonight.” He smiled and raised a beer in salute. “You doing okay? How’re Marsha and the Waynster across the pond?”

I blinked, cleared my throat, brought myself back to the present, and got out of the car. “Good. They’re good. And I’m fine. Just a long week. Tired, I guess.”

“You have Friday plans? Just asking cause it might get a little loud over here later. Wanted to warn you.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m going out later.” I walked along the fence toward the back of the house. “Besides, the renovation must be a bit noisy for you and Helen.”

He grinned, showing the gap where one eyetooth was missing. “Them’s the breaks. Small price to pay for good neighbors.”

He saluted with his spatula this time.

I smiled and said, “Enjoy your dinner,” before disappearing around the back, where I saw the garden all torn up under the kitchen. Big plexiglass panels covered the open part of the wall. They were held on with locks and chains so no one could break in. Since it was Friday, I guessed it would be like that all weekend. Was it really secure enough? I could ask Josh when he got here…

I opened the back door wondering if I had enough time to shower and curl my hair, or if I’d have to choose one grooming option over the other. Upon entering, the first thing that caught my eye was a sticky note stuck to the fridge door.

Can’t wait to see you tonight. I’ll be back to pick you up at 7.

I smiled, though I was alone, and my whole body relaxed as I stared at Josh’s scrawled hand writing. He would be back. And he couldn’t wait to see me. I was determined to make what he saw as special as I could. I raced upstairs to turn on the shower
and
plug in the curling iron.

I untwisted my last curl and unplugged the iron. As I touched up my lip gloss, I heard the roar and winding down purr of a motorcycle pulling into the driveway and turning off. The bathroom window was on the second floor above the driveway and I’d opened the window earlier to dissipate the shower steam. Now, I peeked out the window as Josh swung his leg over the bike and knocked down the kickstand. He had driven between Dalton’s fence and Aunt Marsha’s car to park closer to the garage where Wayne’s SUV was stored. Dalton and his guests sat on patio furniture in his yard and I watched Josh wave at them. I also heard him say, “Dinner smells great!”

Dalton was already on his feet at the fence and drooling over Josh’s bike. Helen, leaning forward in her wicker chair, seemed to be drooling over Josh. The male conversation quickly turned to horsepower and things mechanical, which sounded like Greek to me. What was not lost on me, however, was the way Josh had already won over the neighbors with his friendly, sexy charm. While this might serve me well once Wayne and Marsha got home, my initial wariness about him pushing in on my boundaries was triggered. Since the moment I’d met him, it seemed as if he was leaning into my boundaries as effortlessly as Dalton leaned against his fence, but I was like the fence, rigid, staked deep in the ground, saying this is your side and that’s my side. I sighed. Josh liked me. He clearly wanted to spend time with me. I’m sure he didn’t want a fence, literally or figuratively, between us. But what did I want? Was I ready to stretch my boundaries?

I stared at myself in the mirror. I had made an extra effort to dress up like beach-girl tonight. I wore a flowing faded turquoise skirt, a peach colored tank top, with a cream button-free sweater than I could wrap up in if I got chilled later. I wore a simple chain with a heart locket and teardrop turquoise earrings. My blond hair curled over my shoulders and I wore just enough make up to accentuate my features, with mascara adding the boldest definition. My flat strappy sandals were more comfortable than heels (and would allow me to run away if I got really scared). I rolled my eyes at my mirror self when I had that thought. I did feel safe with Josh, but something niggled at the back of my mind. I just didn’t know what. Beach-girl admonished me from her safe haven over the sink,
You don’t feel safe with yourself, that’s your problem
. I crossed my arms and stared her down, “Oh yeah?” I mouthed to the mirror.
That’s bette
r, she said.
Borrow my confidence, my strength, and take a chance tonight. Be flirty
.