Authors: Angel Rose
“Wait, Jen, listen to me, we need to talk about this, you can’t just leave…I’m your husband.” He grabbed the bag from my hand, looking at Margaret.
“Michael, please, we can talk later, right now, I need to lie down.” I grabbed the bag from him.
“Margaret, this is wrong, Dave won’t allow it!” he yelled.
“Michael, Dave loves Jen, he will never let you hurt her. You out of all people should know that!” Margaret yelled back. She grabbed the bag from my hands, then grabbed my arm with her other hand.
“Jenesis!” he shouted. “Jenesis!” he called out to me again.
Margaret and I walked out of the apartment. I turned around to look at him and he was on the phone with someone. He stared at me with those blue-green eyes as the tears trickled down his face from anger. He watched me walk away from him, he hands clenched tightly into a fist at his sides. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and then slammed the door in my face. I walked quickly down the stairs grabbing on to Margaret’s arm.
I don’t know what drove the fear that was inside of me. I literally felt abused. I couldn’t get the image of my father out of my head, warning me about Michael and shaking his head as if to tell me,
I told you so
. Margaret drove me to her apartment. She held my hand and helped me walk upstairs. Dave wasn’t home. Margaret let me sleep in her bed. She laid down with me, and I cried and cried until I fell asleep.
My whole world was falling apart? What did I do? Am I making a big deal about this? What’s going to happen?
All of these questions made me feel like my life was spiraling out of control…again.
I woke up abruptly to the loud screams coming from the kitchen. It was Margaret and Dave arguing. I got up and slowly opened the door half way to hear what was going on. I was feeling so nauseous. I even forgot I was pregnant. I heard Dave yelling at Margaret using every curse word you could think of.
“Bitch! You’re such a stupid bitch! How could you? Where do you get off telling Michael anything? That’s his wife!” he yelled.
“You would let Jen get abused by Michael like that?” Margaret yelled back.
I immediately felt sick. My nerves were shot, and I felt a panic attack coming on.
What did she mean by that? Was I being abused my husband?
The man I loved. The man I cherished. This was the first time he ever did something like that to me. He probably had a horrible day at work and took out his frustrations on me. I should have been there for him. I should have given myself freely to him, no questions asked.
He’s my husband, I thought to myself.
I walked out of the room and into the kitchen. Dave was about to say something until he saw me and then said,
“Jen, sweetie, are you alright?” He approached me to give me a hug, and I pulled away from him. He looked at me awkwardly.
“Jen, come.” She motioned for me to go into the kitchen. “Sit, have a cup of tea with lemon.” Margaret said as she sat me down and made me a cup of tea. I looked at her and she smiled with sorrow in her expression. I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I started all of this drama.
The phone rang and Dave picked it up and walked towards the hallway. I glanced into the hallway and saw him whispering. He walked back into the kitchen placing the phone in his pocket.
“Jen, it’s Michael, he wants to talk to you.” Dave waived the phone at me. I got up slowly, looking over at Margaret and wondering if I should speak to him. Margaret nodded her head. I was still a little nervous but I felt I needed to leave. Dave and Margaret were at each other’s throats and it was my fault.
“Michael, pick me up, I want to go home.” I whispered.
“I’m coming,” he said eagerly.
I hung up the phone and sat and drank my tea without looking at either of them. They were standing quietly in the kitchen waiting for me to finish.
“I’m sorry for causing so much trouble. Dave, you were right. Michael is my husband and I have to deal with this on my own. You guys aren’t going to be around forever.” I said with a lump in my throat thinking of the day my mother died.
“You can always come to us, right, Dave?” Margaret hit Dave gently with her elbow against his rib.
“Of course, Jen, please understand. We’re here for you, always.” Dave gave her a killer look and pushed out a smile for me.
The buzzard rang and Margaret answered,
“Who is it?”
“Michael.” he said in a raspy voice. He must’ve hurt his throat with all of the yelling he’s been doing.
“She’ll be right down,” she answered. She looked at me strangely, almost as if she were asking me why I was leaving in the first place.
I thanked Margaret and gave her a hug.
“I’m right here if you need me.” She whispered in my ear.
“Jen, whatever it is, we can help you. We love you and we want you to be safe.” He walked over to hug me placing his arms around my shoulder. I stood motionless. He let me go then looked at me as if I had broken his heart.
“Thanks.” I said as I walked away from Dave. I slowly went down the stairs and held on to the rail. I started to feel a lump in my throat. I now had to confront the man that had hurt me and I was just not in the mood for him. I knew he would say he was sorry.
How many times can you say you’re sorry?
A millions times I guess. My mother forgave my father. I had to forgive Michael.
Michael was waiting for me in front his car. I slowly approached him and he held out his arms so I can walk into his embrace.
“My God, baby, I’m so sorry. This has been the worst day of my life.” He held me tightly, then opened the car door for me.
“Just drive, please.” I couldn’t look at him. He said again…I’m sorry.
Dammit! I didn’t want to hear it.
It was beginning to sound like a lie each time he said it. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t leaving him. I wasn’t breaking my vows.
So why did I make such a big deal out of this?
Michael parked the car and took the elevator upstairs. He tried to hold my hand but I didn’t let him. He hugged me from behind and said,
“No more, I’m sorry. I’m never going to hurt you again. I promise.” he held my face in his hands and kissed me on the cheek.
“Michael, I’ve never told you about my family life have I?” I asked with my arms folded against my chest.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you know about my family?”
“Nothing, you never told me anything except that they were dead.” He shook his and shrugged his shoulders.
“Well, my father was an alcoholic; an abusive drunk. He killed my mother…not intentionally…but he did; he was driving drunk and they crashed into a utility pole and they both died. I shouldn’t tell you this but I lived with his abuse since I was a little girl. Michael…if you ever do what you did to me last night again, I’m going to leave you. Do you understand what I’m telling you?” I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth.
Where did that come from?
“Jen, I was wrong. Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that I just can’t control, I’ve told you this before. I needed you. I needed my wife.” He sighed heavily. “Can’t I ever make a mistake? Does everything have to be perfect for you?” He stood up straight. “Well, I’m not perfect!” He became annoyed.
“Then get some help! Because I won’t be able to handle any of this. I’m pregnant, remember!” I barked at him, giving my back to him.
“Then I will.” He came over to hug me and I turned around quickly like I had to let it out or I would’ve exploded.
“I’ll move in with Dave and Margaret. I’m serious, this is not a joke.” My insides were shaking. I felt I needed to threaten him so that he understood how serious I was.
“You’ll move in, really?” he said mocking me. Then he shook his head while he chuckled under his breath.
My blood was boiling at this point, but the look in his eyes instilled fear in me rather quickly and my body responded with fear.
“Yes.” I said fearfully. I took a step back.
“Then you know what?” he said as he approached me pushing me with his hand against my shoulder, “Call them to come and get you now! I’m through with you! This is my house. Who do you think you’re talking to?” He walked over to the bedroom and slammed the door so hard the picture frames on the wall came crashing down on the floor, glass flying everywhere.
The fear to into fright or flight and I wanted to get the hell out of there fast. I grabbed the house phone, and ran into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I dialed Margaret’s number as my hands shook.
“Margaret please come and get me!” I shouted.
“Jen? Jen! What is it?” She yelled
“Michael,” I whimpered.
“Did he touch you? What the hell is going on?” she snapped.
“No…he…” I heard a static-like sound on the other end of the phone and I was disconnected.
“Margaret?” I whispered. I only heard a dial tone. Then the phone rang a few seconds later.
“Margaret?”
“No, it’s Dave. She just left to pick you up.”
“You sound out of breath. Are you Okay?”
“Yeah…I was just running up the stairs when she ran out of here.”
“I’ll wait here until she comes,” I said nervously.
“Okay…stay put. Jen, are you okay?”
“No…” I hung up the phone.
Michael knocked on the door.
“Leave me alone! I’m waiting for Margaret!” I screamed.
“Why are you doing this?” he yelled.
“Leave me alone, Michael!” I yelled back.
“Open this door now!” he said as he began to turn the knob.
“No! No…leave me alone!” I screamed as I leaned my back against the door and began to cry. I practically feared for my life and I didn’t want him to get inside. All I saw was HIM…MY FATHER on the other side of that door. I was losing it.
I placed my ear against the door as my tears slid down my chin. I wiped them and sniffled holding on to the door with one hand and wiping my nose with the other. I sat on the bathroom floor for forty-five minutes listening to Michael bang on the door as I sat against it. He was relentless, but I had more inner strength than he did. I didn’t open the door. I sat on the floor staring at the skylight watching the sun filled sky turn into a dark grey mass of clouds. I watched as the raindrops hit the skylight like tiny pebbles and the lightning light up the sky as if it were on fire. The thunder concealed Michael’s yelling and banging on the door at times. In between the lightning and the thunder, I heard the buzzard. I heard Michael’s footsteps as he walked to answer the door. The thunder was loud and the pellets of rain slammed against skylight window even harder. I placed my ear against the door and I heard Dave’s voice. He was saying something but I couldn’t understand him, the door muffled the sound of his voice. I opened the bathroom door slightly, I saw Dave shaking his head, he seemed frantic. The thunder roared so loudly this time I could swear I felt the building shake. Michael slammed the front door shut and grabbed Dave by the shoulders.
“Dave! Dave! What is it?” I heard Michael yell as I stuck my face between the door.
“It’s Margaret! Michael! It’s Margaret!” he shrieked.
“What! Dave, What?” he asked firmly.
“Margaret, she was in a car accident coming over here, Michael, she was killed! She’s dead!” he yelled.
My heart stopped beating for a moment. I slid my face down against the door while holding on to my stomach. I opened the door all the way and ran out of the bathroom towards Dave. I remember falling to my knees in front of him and then the room began to spin, and I began top puke all over the floor.
I could hear Dave and Michael yelling, “Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance!” There I was on the floor, vomiting, my heart beating out of control and the room spinning. I couldn’t see. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I imagined Margaret driving in her car, cursing Michael, ready to save me. I could feel the baby moving inside of me. Car accident…the rain. I made her drive in the rain.
I didn’t know it was going to rain, I swear, I didn’t know.
Time stood still for a moment, and I had a flashback of that phone call when I was at Penn State. It was all too familiar. My mother and my father’s face flashed before me. I saw the people at the church and the caskets with the white orchids. I awoke from that dreadful picture in my mind when someone tapped me on the shoulder as I continued to vomit all over the floor. Michael grabbed my hand and lifted me up. I remember lying down and being rolled onto a stretcher. As we left the apartment building, I looked up at the sky and the dark, somber clouds, shed their tears on me. I felt the droplets of rain fall firm against my face and I opened my mouth, just enough, hoping the rain would fill up my mouth and drown me before I reached the ambulance. My head was spinning and my stomach was bubbling. I felt as if I were choking.
I wanted to die.
I wanted to die right there in the rain…right there in that ambulance. I closed my eyes.
***