I dropped into a kitchen chair. All the energy drained from my body. I was growing up fast and right now I hated it.
“I’m so sorry,” I told them as I stared at the burn marks on the tablecloth. I was too ashamed to look at them.
“You’ve done nothing wrong Dixie.” Janet gently rubbed my back.
“I want you to know that I love all of you.” I glanced up at their familiar perfectly imperfect faces. “And I want you to know that if anyone tries to hurt you again, Cole or whomever, I will kill them.” I knew for the first time in my life I meant it. They knew too.
Another piece of the puzzle clicked. Cole. Cole had randomly come up in my conversation with Grandpa. Cole was up to no good. Way to go, Gramps. Either I was getting smarter or I'd gone insane. I was leaning toward insane. It would take going nuts at the very least to be able to decipher Grandpa's ramblings. Whatever. I was going with it. I would keep an eye out for Cole.
The silence was loud and long. Janet broke it.
“Thank you, Dixie. You are a good girl.” She leaned forward and kissed my cheek.
“Well.” Carl found his voice after my violent proclamation. “In that cathe we better get back to training.”
“I have to go to class,” I said. “I’ll meet you after.”
“No,” Janet said, trying to rescue the egg travesty Myrtle had created. “The community college is closed for three days.”
“Why?” I was surprised. Was there some human holiday I didn’t know about?
“Apparently,” Myrtle crowed as she grinned from ear to ear. “Fifteen hot pink, lime green and neon yellow skunks got locked in the school last night. They have to fumigate.”
"And how did that happen?" I asked her, already knowing full well how it happened.
"I have no clue," she answered.
She was so delighted with herself I didn’t have the heart to tell her how wrong that was. So I didn’t. I laughed. I laughed hard.
Chapter 23
"What the Hell is that?" Myrtle asked as we gaped at a huge manor exploding with foliage.
"I don't know, but this is the right address," I muttered.
"I think the GPS is smoking crack. No way your cousin lives in that," she continued.
"I have a bad feeling this is exactly where my cousin lives."
Three days off from classes
meant I could finally visit my cousin Astrid. Carl, Janet and Myrtle joined me as they'd met her and loved her when she'd visited Hell six months ago. I'd had a horrific dream that Mother Nature met us there. Turns out it wasn't a dream at all. . .
We cautiously approached and pushed open a huge door covered in ivy and purple parrots.
"I can't find my ass with both hands," Ethan, my cousin's Vampyre mate, bellowed from somewhere deep in the mansion.
"Well, too bad," Astrid screeched. "I haven't seen my hooha in months because my stomach is the enormous house for our four-headed son that is going to live inside me for the next ten years."
"Help me, Jesus," I heard him mutter from somewhere in the jungle that I was sure used to be a gorgeous compound.
"Maybe we should come back another time," Myrtle whispered frantically as she tried to untangle herself from a vine with teeth.
"Who invited your grandmother?" Ethan shouted. "This is a fucking mess."
"I can hear you, Vampyre, and I don't like your tone," Mother Nature's voice boomed so loudly I winced. Maybe we
should
come back later. . .
"Mother humpin' shithats," my cousin hissed. "I think a flower just grabbed my boob."
I had no clue where we were. The mansion looked like a multi-level jungle complete with monkeys and waterfalls. I could hear Ethan, Astrid and my grandma, but had no real indication as to their whereabouts.
"I really
really
want to leave," Myrtle grumbled as she choked and beheaded the vine that was trying to eat her.
"Me too," Janet whispered.
"Okay. Carl, take the girls to the car. I'm going find Astrid, say hi and get the Hell out of Dodge." I pushed them toward what used to be the front door.
"Be careful, Dixie," he said as he ushered my little faux family out.
"Will do."
Using my nose I headed toward my cousin, carefully avoiding the quicksand and random bottomless cliffs. Mother Nature had done a doozy on Astrid's abode. I couldn't remember her doing anything this drastic to my dad. . .ever.
"God damn it," Astrid yelled. "Dixie, do I smell you? Are you here in this leafy shitstorm?"
"Um. . .yep," I called out. "Not sure how to find you."
"I'll just magic your ass to me. Stay still. It might hurt."
"Awesome," I mumbled as I wrapped my arms around myself and prayed to Satan I wouldn't lose a body part.
"Astrid, don't worry about it," Grandma Gigi shouted. "I have her. We'll come to you."
She did have me and I wasn't sure if it was any safer than having my cousin
magic
me. Violently I was yanked inside a glittery teal tornado funnel and ended up plastered against a cackling insane woman.
"Are we going to die?" I asked my grandma.
"Not today," she screamed over the whistling and shrieking weather pattern we were trapped in.
"Is this your normal mode of travel?"
"Only on Tuesdays," she replied at earsplitting decibels.
"Holy shit, Gigi," Astrid spat as we landed in a clump at her feet. "You'd better have a good explanation for this because I am feeling violent and fat. I don't care how we're related, I'm two seconds away from offing your unstable pole dancing ass."
"I just love how disrespectful you are," Gigi said as she embraced my pregnant cousin in her arms. "It's lovely to be with my two favorite granddaughters."
"Lovely's not the word I'd use at the moment," Astrid griped. I was in shock that she threatened to whack Mother Nature and was still alive. Well, as alive as a dead person could be.
"Excuse me," Ethan ground out through clenched teeth and he uprooted a massive tree to enter the room. He was gorgeous normally, but he was positively breathtaking when furious. "If we're done with the niceties, I'd like you to fix my fucking home and leave."
"Is he always this testy?" Grandma asked.
"Only when monkeys are crawling up his ass," Astrid explained.
"How are we supposed to stay here in this forest?" he demanded.
"Clusterfuck," I muttered.
"What?"
"It's more of a clusterfuck than a forest," I offered.
"I'd call it a clusterfuck of epic proportions, and I am so proud of you, Dixie!" Astrid gave me a thumbs up over her big tummy.
"For what?" I asked.
"For dropping the f-bomb. It agrees with you. Lowers your ridiculously high IQ just a bit and shows the world you're a goddamned Demon."
"Um, thanks. I think."
"You really shouldn't take your uncle's name in vain," Mother Nature tsked.
"And you shouldn't turn my home into a safari adventure," Astrid shot back.
"I didn't mean to," she said as she dropped her head into her delicate hands.
Wait. What? Mother Nature made a mistake? This did not bode well.
"This was an accident?" Ethan roared. "You destroyed my home by accident?"
"Yes," she whispered.
"Fix it," he said in a quiet voice that made the hair on my neck stand up.
"I can try, but the magic in this area is off balance and it's affecting my mojo," she pouted.
"What the Hell are you talking about?" Astrid's eyes narrowed at our grandma as Ethan's ire bounced around the room knocking monkeys from their perches in the flowering trees that protruded from the walls.
"I mean," she whined defensively as she removed a monkey from her head. "That something bad is happening and it put a woowoo wrench in my juju."
"Holy shit," I said and laughed. "That sounds disgusting and painful. . .and wrong."
"Well, it's about time," Mother Nature crowed.
"I'm sorry. What?"
"It's about time you started growing some balls, young lady. How in the world will you save the day if your testicles haven't dropped yet? Showing disrespect to your elders is a good start. Ask your cousin," Gigi said.
I truly hoped she was using balls as a metaphor. I discreetly glanced down and sighed in relief. I was sack-less.
"I'm not disrespectful, you crazy old cow," Astrid snapped.
Mother Nature produced a dictionary out of thin air and tossed it to Astrid. "Look it up. You're listed under
Big Balls
and
Vampyre-Demon With a Death Wish
."
"Nope. I'm listed in the
Guinness Book of World Records
as the only freak in history to have an eight-headed Vampyre-Demon baby after five years of gestation."
Grandma Gigi threw her head back and laughed. The monkeys clapped their hands and danced wildly around her. "Your child will come soon," she said.
"What?" Ethan asked, visibly alarmed. "How soon?"
"Very soon, and I have a lot to tell you people. First of all. . ."
"No!" an unfamiliar German accented voice bellowed. "You will stop right now unless you want to change the tides of destiny and turn your family to dust. If you persist you will pay," the voice growled ominously.
What the Hell? My fingers tingled and my magic came up fast and violent, making me dizzy. My family was certifiable, but no German douchebag was going to destroy them. They were capable of doing that themselves with no outside help. I turned in the direction of the enemy and let my power rip. A fiery explosion flew from my fingertips and then the screaming started. . .
"Dixie, no!" Astrid yelled. "It's The Kev and Gemma. Do not under any circumstance kill my friends."
Her friends? Shit. Did I just kill her friends?
"Amazing! This, the cousin of you has the power that is from one with the big balls!" The Kev, who looked alarmingly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, said. "Good aim and the trigger of the finger is impressive."
"Um, not sure I followed that, but are you okay? If I'd known you were Astrid's friends I wouldn't have tried to kill you," I mumbled apologetically. And why was everyone so concerned with my balls? Discreetly I checked again.
"Of course you wouldn't have," a crazily beautiful woman, who I assumed was Gemma, said kindly as she patted out the fire still dancing up her dress. "That was a Hell of a wallop of magic, dude." She grinned at me as she made her way to my cousin. She carried black raspberry chip ice cream along with chips and salsa. Sweet baby Satan. . .was she unaware that Astrid couldn't eat that?
I was powerful, but my cousin was slightly unhinged at the moment. I glanced frantically around the room and looked for cover. Astrid was nutty under normal circumstances, but flashing food in her face was sure to be ugly. She was pregnant, for Uncle God's sake. As I headed for a clump of bushes, I stopped dead in my tracks. The Kev was wearing a tutu, sparkly tights and a jog bra. Not to mention his scent was a mystery to me. The scent I would figure out, but his outfit. . .I wasn't so sure. Was he gay? I kind of thought he and Gemma were an item, but who would date a man in a woman's ballet costume?
"And may I ask why you have chosen the Teminator as your cover again?" Mother Nature asked grumpily. "Also, as much as I loathe saying it. . .thank you."
"You have the welcome from me," he replied to my grandma. He gave me a wink and I couldn't help but giggle.
"What are you?" I asked.
"I'm a Fairy."
"Oh, well that explains a lot," I said and then slapped my hand over my mouth. "I mean, I have no problem with homosexuality—at all. I think everyone's sexual preference is their own business and I'm impressed that you are so comfortable with your um. . .you know, and your outfit is very sparkly and fun," I stammered and wanted to die. The laughter in the room was mortifying. The Kev laughed the loudest.
"No, no, my little krumecaca. I am a Fairy, as in the magical being. I too have no problem with the homosexuality, but I can assure you that I am not gay."
"Amen to that," Gemma chimed in as she sat next to my cousin and scarfed down the ice cream.
"Sorry about that," I whispered, wondering if I could make a polite exit. I'd already put my foot down my throat. At the rate I was going I didn't want to find out if I could pull it out of my ass.
"She is so young," The Kev said as he took my hand. His touch was gentle, but I sensed he could be very dangerous if he didn't like you.
"I know," Mother Nature snapped. "And if that asswhacking floozy hadn't fallen down on her job. . ."
"Enough," The Kev ground out. Before my eyes he morphed into a man so beautiful I had to turn away. "How much damage can you do in a day?" he hissed, referring to the jungle.
"I'm leaving," she snapped. "While I enjoy disrespect, there's only so much one can take in a half hour."
In a blinding blast of glitter and sparks, Mother Nature made her exit.
"Son of a bitch." Ethan groaned as he slapped some overzealous monkeys out of the way. "She destroys my home, tells us the baby is coming soon, almost turns us to dust and just leaves?"
"Looks like it," Astrid said as she bit into her friend's wrist. She made little happy slurping sounds as she drank. Hades, my family was screwed up. I was also highly aware that Grandma was referring to my mother. At this point I was fairly sure I wanted nothing to do with my mother. She seemed like more trouble that all my relatives put together. Awesome.
"You have Black Magic," The Kev said as he examined my hands. I tried to glance up, but had to squint due to his redonkulous beauty.
"Turn off the Fairy glamour, babe," Gemma told The Kev. "No one except me can actually look at you and not singe their corneas."
"Whoops." He laughed and morphed back into
Kindergarten Cop
. . .accent and all.
"Um, does the morph affect your brain?" I asked as I realized I was losing my polite filter in a big way.
"Not at all, my strudel pookie. Why have you to ask the silliness of the question?"
"Because you talk like a dumbass when you're in the Arnold's body," Astrid volunteered as Ethan winced.
"I do that because it makes the fun for me and drives you to the crazy," he told my cousin as he grinned from ear to ear.