"Right now you can do whatever you want. I'm drinking black raspberry chip flavored blood," Astrid announced happily as she went back to Gemma's wrist.
"Wait. What?" Gemma could flavor her blood? I wondered if Grandpa could do that next time I had to suck on his neck.
"Yep." Gemma grinned and held up the pint of ice cream. "Whatever I eat, I apparently taste like. Do not share that info with any Vamps. I only have so much blood to go around."
"Got it," I said. "Do you think that would work with Demons?"
"You want to have the drink of my mate's blood?" The Kev asked, surprised.
"No," I quickly replied. "I, um. . ."
Shit on a flaming stick
. How did I get out of this one?
"You drank from Grandpa," Astrid said as she watched me closely. "And it tasted like ass to you."
The jig was up and I was actually kind of relieved. I knew Astrid had Black Magic. . .maybe she could help me with mine. "Well, I wouldn't exactly say ass—more like burnt butt."
"Can you control this magic?" The Kev asked, ignoring the buttocks discussion.
Where the Hell did his accent go
?
"Um. . ."
"Of course she can't. No one in our fucked up family gives anyone directions, much less a straight answer," Astrid snapped. "I'll help her."
"No, you won't," Ethan said. "We're leaving, which is what I think your whackjob of a grandmother intended when she destroyed our home."
"He's right," Gemma agreed. "The magic in the area is screwed with a capital S and you’re about to blow a seven-headed baby out of your hooha. You have to leave for a while."
"I'm not going anywhere," Astrid informed the room as Ethan banged his head against a tree. "And my baby will only have five heads. My cousin is in trouble, and quite honestly left to her own devices she could blow up the continental United States. I'm staying."
"Ethan is correct, my leibchen. You will be leaving. I will be staying and training Dixie. Her magic cannot hurt Gemma or myself," The Kev said.
"Are you a True Immortal?" I asked. Was Grandpa wrong about who my magic affected?
"No, but trust me on this. The ways of the Fairy are a mystery to most other races. I will teach you."
"I call bullshit," Astrid snapped. "Not that you’re not a Hell of a teacher with a fist like a Mack truck, but Dixie is mine. I will take care of her."
"No, Astrid," I said, surprising myself and the rest of the room—mostly my cousin. "You're leaving. I belong to no one but me and I would never forgive myself if something happened to you or the baby. I have something to do here. Something I have to do myself and I swear on Hades I will do my best not to blow up the United States, but just in case I think you should go to Europe. The Kev, I accept your offer. I have three Demons with me—Carl, Janet and Myrtle,
—
and they have been training me."
"Sweet baby Jesus in a thong," Astrid shouted. "Carl, Janet and Myrtle? We're all gonna die."
"Nope, not today," The Kev said. "I know of Carl, Janet and Myrtle. . .they are far more than they seem. And I admire Carl's dress sense."
Of course he did.
Several other very attractive Vampyres quietly made their way into the room and bowed to Ethan. Astrid, clearly unused to not getting her way, stomped around the room and tried to find something to break.
"My Liege," a gorgeous dark haired Vampyre said. "We are armed, ready to go."
"We'll be with you momentarily, Heathcliff," Ethan replied.
"Fine," Astrid said wearily. "Dixie, you will call me if you need me. Gigi said the twelve-headed baby boy will be here soon and I have decided to believe her even though she's an unstable, foul-mouthed fucking walking disaster area." Astrid punctuated her description with a resounding crash as she blew out all the windows in the room with a flick of her fingers.
"Pot. Kettle. Black, dude," Gemma said as Astrid giggled and Ethan banged his head on a tree again.
"Now," Ethan growled.
"I'm coming," Astrid said as she took me into a tight hug. "You will be careful and kill anything that looks at you sideways. Do you understand me?"
"Yep."
"You'll kill it? Not just maim it or hurt it a little?"
"I will kill it," I said firmly.
She narrowed her eyes and gave me one last hug before Ethan attempted to pull her from the room. I idly stroked a monkey that had wrapped itself around my waist and gave my cousin a little shove.
"Go. I promise if I need anything I will call."
"Okay, but you will be taking the babies." She reached into her pocket. "Here."
In her palm Beyonce, Abe, Rachel and Ross danced around and beat the tar out of each other. She was offering me her tiny yet very destructive baby Demons.
"Are you sure?" I asked as I tried not to bounce with excitement. I loved the baby Demons. They were a little difficult to control, but they were as protective as the Hell Hounds.
"I'm sure. Just don't let them go to strip clubs and keep them away from really evil Demons unless you want them to eat them. If that happens, don't watch. Trust me on that. Oh, and I heard you did the nasty with the Angel of Death."
"What the Hell?" I shouted. How did everyone know all the details of my sex life?
"Just use condoms when you nail him or you too could have a ten-headed baby," she warned with a shit-eating grin on her face.
"Dixie and the Angel of Death cannot reproduce unless they bond," The Kev informed the room. It seemed he only used his accent when he felt like it.
"You sure about that?" Astrid asked. "I'm mean, no one in their right fucking mind would have called my pregnancy."
"Quite sure." The Kev nodded with certainty. "That's the way it goes with two Tru. . ."
He stopped abruptly and blanched.
"Did you almost just reduce us all to dust?" Gemma shouted. Her skin began to glow and sharp talons burst from her fingertips.
The Kev stood silently and nodded. What the Hell did Gemma turn into? From her claws alone it looked frightening.
"Does anyone know if this turning to dust shit is actually true?" Astrid demanded.
"No," The Kev admitted. "But I refuse to test the theory."
The Kev had almost dropped a huge piece of the puzzle in my lap. I was grateful he hadn't let the entire sentence slip. Turning to dust wasn't on my agenda today. However, I was pretty sure I knew exactly what the rest of his sentence was and I didn't know if that made me happy or freaked out.
"Astrid, are you done?" Ethan asked through clenched teeth.
"Will you have mercy sex with the miserable pregnant lady when we get to wherever we're going?"
"Yes. Yes, I will."
"Then I'm done."
They left.
"All right, my little snickerdoodle. Gemma and I are going to scout to see if we can find anything out about the magical imbalance. You will take the tiny ones and go to Carl, Myrtle and Janet. We will see you in a couple of days."
Gemma
not so discreetly
shoved a box of condoms into my hand and winked. "Better safe than sorry." She giggled and they disappeared.
I stared at the little Demons in my hands.
"If Mommy say no bad booby titty woowoo bars, will you take us to car dealership?" Abe asked sweetly.
"Are you going to eat the car salesmen?"
"Of course we eat the sellers of cars. They tasty," Beyonce yelled.
"Then um, no. However I have a bad feeling you are going to find a lot to eat in the very near future." I knew evil was coming quickly and soon.
"Yayayayayayayay!" Ross and Rachel squealed. "You so fun, Dixie."
"Thank you. I think. You guys ready to go?"
“We be borned ready," Abe informed me.
"That's what scares me," I mumbled as they laughed like little hyenas. I hoped to Hades it wasn't a mistake to take them, but what was done was done.
Chapter 24
Why did it surprise me that the commissary lunches on Earth were more heinous than the commissary lunches in Hell? While I could occasionally identify the lumps on my plate in Hell, I had no idea what graced my tray today.
Thankfully despite the crowd in the student center I found an empty table. I knew if I sat there it would stay empty. How in the Hell did I become such a pariah? I was starting to get a complex.
Everyone was buzzing about Skunkgate. The aroma of skunk still lingered. Mixed with the culinary delights served by the lunch ladies it was positively nauseating. Watching Myrtle feign outrage at the Skunkgate perpetrators during World Religions made my boring day more tolerable. I glanced down at the mystery meat on my tray and my gag reflex kicked in. Tomorrow I was skipping lunch.
The Ugg brigade stood at the head of the cafeteria holding court and scoping for a table. Lucy Adams, clearly the leader, was barking orders and deciding futures. I glanced up as they made their way across the room. Crap, it looked like they were headed for my table. That was impossible. They had made it abundantly clear I wasn't on their radar which was fine with me.
Wait. She looked the same as she always did. How in the Hell did she look normal after getting beaten four days ago? From where I sat she looked flawless. Surely makeup couldn’t cover a beating like that.
I put my head down and waited for them to pass. I was afraid if Lucy said one snarky thing to me I’d zap her bald. She rubbed me wrong and her minions were brainless. I didn’t know how Myrtle hung out with them.
I was positive they passed by. . .they didn’t.
“Hello Dixie,” Lucy said as she sat down across from me. Her four clones hovered behind her and waited for a command. Where was Myrtle?
“What do you want?” I eyed her warily. I didn’t have the time or the energy for her right now.
She nodded to the others and they sat down, two on either side of her and two on either side of me. They had effectively boxed me in. Great.
“I think we may have misjudged you, Dixie,” she informed me haughtily.
“Really?” I laughed, pissing her off. Her lips pursed in irritation and she crossed her arms over her chest. What in the Hell did she think my reaction would be? Did she assume I’d bow down and kiss her ass? She was gravely mistaken. “I’m fairly sure I didn’t misjudge you, Lucy.”
There was a flash of anger, then fear and insecurity in her eyes. She quickly covered it, but it was there. It jerked me right back to the storeroom and the vision of her broken body on the floor while her father beat her. I still didn't understand how she healed so quickly, but my anger began to melt. Shit, why couldn’t I be a bitchy unforgiving Demon like my sisters?
I watched her carefully while she considered her next move. Her posse sat silently, unable to function without permission.
“I’m sorry for being a bitch to you,” she said quietly. Her minions gasped.
I wasn’t sure I believed her, but this was certainly making my day more interesting. I said nothing. I simply stared.
Lucy began to fidget and tried to hold my gaze, but I was Satan’s daughter and staring people down came quite naturally. She caved and averted her eyes. Her gal pals watched in fascination. They’d clearly never seen their idol at a loss for words.
In her discomfort, she took a bite from her tray. Her minions squealed in disgust. The look on Lucy’s face was awesome—sheer terror and disgust. She gagged and searched desperately for a napkin. Her butt-kiss brigade had no clue what to do. Two of them started crying and one started dry heaving, threatening the table with something far worse than lunch. I rolled my eyes at their ineptness and handed her my napkin. I wouldn’t wish that dog chow-looking pile on my worst enemy. She quickly spit and then downed an entire bottle of water.
“You okay?” I grinned.
“No.” The beginnings of a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. “Thanks for the napkin.” She eyed her worthless buddies with disdain. “I could have died,” she hissed.
I bit down on my lip hard and tried not to laugh. I failed.
“You think it’s funny?” she demanded as she smiled at me.
“Yes I do,” I said as I tried to figure her out.
“Well,” she paused for dramatic effect, tossing her blonde locks over her shoulder. “I do too, and I’m pretty sure that stuff is Alpo.”
“I was thinking gravy covered dry cat food.”
“No,” Lucy said definitively. “It was Alpo and you saved my life.”
“I’d hardly call handing you a napkin saving your life.”
“You saved my life,” she stated firmly, her blue eyes glued to mine.
“Oookay.” Why did it sound like she was talking about something else? I was getting paranoid. She couldn’t know anything. “You're welcome.” I gave her a tight smile. What was her game and why was I playing it? Bizarrely enough, she fascinated me. Anyone who could get beaten nearly to death on Monday and be back at school looking amazing and sporting an attitude on Friday had to have something worthwhile going on. Or maybe I was just a sucker for the underdog.
“You like to save things, don’t you?” Lucy said as she watched me closely for a reaction.
I put on my poker face and freaked out inside. Why in the Hell did she say that? There was no way she knew anything about my part in defending her. She had no way of knowing I was in the storeroom with her. Even if she thought I was there, she wouldn’t be able to comprehend what I did to her father. She was human, I could smell it. Humans didn’t know about Demons and magic. How had the tables turned? Now I was uneasy so I stayed quiet.
There was a large, long, uncomfortable pause.
“Look Dixie,” she said, thankfully leaving her former line of questioning alone. “I was mean and uh. . .you didn’t deserve it. No one has given you a chance here, so. . .I, I mean we,” she said as she referred to the idiots who were nodding like bobbleheads. “We would like to start over.”
Confusion and wariness warred within me as I searched their expressions for an ulterior motive. I wished one of my gifts was mindreading. What was the old saying? Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer?
“I suppose,” I said, knowing I would probably regret it. “We could try.”
Did I really need friends so badly that I was willing to give it a go with vapid, overly made up mean girls? Yep, I did. Anyway, if they screwed with me I could easily make them wake up in the morning with twenty-five extra pounds hanging off their trim little bods.