Hell's Bells: Lucifer's Tale (Welcome to Hell Book 6) (2 page)

B
ang
.

The buzz of conversation died as Gaia slapped her hands down on the tabletop and drew all eyes to her. Quite a few people had gathered around the solid wooden table that rose from the garden soil, the bark smooth to the touch, and warm too. In her special garden, trees weren’t murdered for paltry reasons like furniture. But when she did require the niceties of society, her plants loved to give a helping frond.

“Thank you all for coming,” she began, only to find herself immediately interrupted.

“Oh no. Not more freaking manners,” Muriel grumbled aloud. “Bad enough I’ve got Dad being all courteous and polite. Don’t you start too.”

“I’m with the princess. If I hear the words please and thank you from the Dark Lord one more time, I might go on a murderous rampage,” Psycho Katie announced.

“Like that’s anything new,” Xaphan stated in a low tone that nevertheless carried. “Or did you not notice the pile of bodies this morning in the coffee shop?”

A wicked grin lit Katie’s features. “Totally justifiable homicide. The barista put two pumps of cocoa in my java when I specifically asked for three.”

“Grounds for rampaging,” someone muttered.

“Totally agree,” piped in another.

“We should firebomb head office.”

The agreement came from just about everyone there. They were minions of Hell after all. Sin was a virtue they all coveted, but not the point of this meeting.

Bang.
“Shut up and listen!” Gaia dropped the niceties. Muriel had a point. Everyone in Hell was sick of saying their please and thank-yous, and the culprit behind that was the reason they were all here. “As you are all aware by now, Lucifer isn’t quite himself.”

“If by not himself you mean a freaking prat,” griped Niall. “Never thought I’d say I preferred him better as a prick.”

“We all preferred him as a prick,” Gaia agreed.
Some of us preferring his prick more than others.
“But obviously there is something majorly wrong with him since Ursula gave him that blasted kiss of peace.” A kiss she should have never allowed. Gaia’s fault for not succumbing to a jealous rage. It wouldn’t happen again.
Next time any woman tries to lock lips with my man, I will ensure they’re pushing up daisies.
Her little blooms did so thrive on decomposing flesh.

“I still can’t believe my magic didn’t cure him.” Muriel pouted. Her poor daughter had made an attempt to drive the curse on her father out. She brought a new man into her harem for extra mojo then went on a sexual escapade that blasted a wave of insanely powerful magic meant to erase all spells. It worked ridiculously well, wiping the glamor on Lucifer that made him seem older, erasing all the spells, new and old, layering his body. But it didn’t take care of the curse plaguing him most. The curse of niceness.

Nefertiti, currently in her nubile form and shape of an Egyptian beauty, drummed long, lacquered nails on the table. “As I keep mentioning, none of my scrying has managed to find any curse or spell on the Dark Lord.”

“So it’s buried deep,” Ysabel, his longest enduring secretary, stated. “Keep looking. It’s got to be there somewhere.”

“It would help if the Lord of Sin would return to my laboratory for more tests.” Nefertiti pinned an accusing gaze on Gaia.

She raised hands in a don’t-blame-me gesture. “I’ve tried. He insists there’s nothing wrong with him and that your skills would better serve the public. For free.”

Dark eyes flashed as Nefertiti spat, “Philanthropic blasphemy. Magic should always have a price.”

“And warning labels,” Marigold piped in as she twirled a fluorescent green strand of hair. For every concoction Marigold managed to produce correctly, three others went sideways—and, in one case, had escaped into Hell’s sewers.

“If it’s not magic, what else could it be?”

“Body snatchers.” The odd suggestion came from Jenny.

Gaia blinked at her. “Are you suggesting aliens took over his body?”

A red hue invaded Jenny’s cheeks. “Not quite. I guess I should explain. See, Felipe made me watch some mortal realm movies. Body Snatchers was one of them. It got me thinking. What about if, when Ursula kissed the devil, she passed on some kind of parasite? Something that wasn’t magic-based but organic, which is why nobody can detect it.”

The suggestion, while met with a few raised brows, had merit.

“You know, I never even thought to check for a bug, but still, my initial scans should have shown something.”

“Unless it was an alien microbe,” repeated Jenny. “Seeing as how Ursula escaped her banishment to another dimension, maybe she returned contaminated.”

“It’s possible she brought something through with her.” Nefertiti tapped her chin as she mused aloud.

“I’d say more than probable. I mean just look at SWEETS and the other monsters inhabiting the new Wildling ocean. It’s not farfetched at all to conjecture the Dark Lord is infected with something from another dimension, given it’s nothing we’ve ever seen before,” Adexios said. The fellow sat at ease on a polished rock about chair height. Boney knees—he took after his father, Charon—peeked through the worn holes in his jeans, and his T-shirt stated he hearted
Star Wars
. Behind him, Valaska, dressed in leather straps and not much else, stood at attention, ready to kill anything that might attack. Amazons did so love a good fight. They were also known to start some if bored.

No fighting in her garden. Gaia kept strict control on who was allowed into her secret garden, and she also governed what happened in it. Anything that might crush her delicate plants under clumsy warrior feet was strictly prohibited.

“Sweets?” Katie frowned at Adexios. “You have alien candy and didn’t share? I feel a murderous rage coming on.”

Xaphan slapped an arm in front of her before Katie could launch herself. “Relax. He means SWEETS, as in his pet sea monster.”

“It stands for She-who-eats-exquisitely-tasty-screamers,” Muriel’s new beau, Tristan, added. “My father is quite jealous of Adexios. The alien sea monsters he’s encountered have all ended up as dinner instead of pets. Dad is most put out.”

And probably tugging his beard. The man did own a lavish one, usually braided with seashells, for he was Neptune, god of the sea. Although more recently, folks referred to him as the disgruntled ex-husband now that Ursula had returned to Hell. Neptune now fought a never-ending battle to keep control of the Darkling Sea. However, the new Wilding Sea kept encroaching onto his territory.

“We are getting off topic,” Muriel reminded. “Daddy would be so proud. I mean, would have been.” Lucifer’s daughter burst into noisy tears. “I want my daddy back!”

David patted her on the back while Auric shrugged. “She’s been doing that a lot since she took over as interim Dark Lord.”

It wasn’t easy taking on the sins of the world. Gaia’s daughter tried since Gaia’s lazy stepson, the antichrist, refused to. But Muriel was feeling the effects.

“Let’s return to the idea of a parasite,” Gaia said to bring the focus back on the problem. “How would we go about testing for it?”

“Full body exam,” Nefertiti suggested. “Bring him to my lab.”

“Any ideas on how to get him there willingly?” Gaia asked with a grimace.

“Use your feminine wiles. Shake those tatas.” Katie winked as she rolled her shoulders.

“Tell him you baked some cookies and get him to follow. Always works for my wife when I work too much,” Charon suggested, his voice floating from within the cowl of his robe. The man had the mystery aura down to a science.

In the end, she went with Ysabel’s suggestion. “Since the Dark Lord no longer believes in violence, then I say we jump him. Chances are he won’t fight back and we can drag him to the crone’s lab.”

“That’s evil crone,” Nefertiti snapped.

“Whatever.”

It took a few more arguments, name-calling, and a fistfight Gaia quickly broke up before they were in a wicked enough mood to go jump the former Dark Lord.

He helped matters when he looked up from the book he was reading—featuring a rainbow on the cover—and said, “I am so happy to see all of you. Group hug!”

They hugged Lucifer all right and dragged him, politely complaining all the way, to the deepest, darkest bowels of the castle.

He didn’t once try to set them on fire.

Never even tried to have them confined to hard labor and lashes.

Lucifer did worse than that; he forgave them.

T
he caring
all his friends and family displayed when abducting him for an examination made Lucifer forgive their rather violent methods. He knew he didn’t require medical attention, but they were so concerned about him that they ambushed him, bound him tightly in enchanted chains, and carried him to the dungeon lab, which he noted was in major need of a cleaning and some white paint.

As he lay on the stone altar, with the carved channels meant to carry fluids away and the iron bolts embedded in thick concrete through which they looped his chains, he smiled at everyone who cared so deeply for him. “I’m fine. Just fine. I appreciate the concern, and I can’t wait to hug you all when you set me free.”

His daughter turned away with a cough, her shoulders shaking, overcome with emotion.

Lucifer’s most stoic warrior shook his head. “I say we put a plastic bag over his head and put him out of his misery,” muttered Xaphan. “The Lord I knew wouldn’t want to live this way.”

Fingers snapped as Nefertiti swept into the room. “Before we resort to permanent measures, why don’t we see what’s going on? Scissors please.” Nefertiti held out her hand, and someone slapped the tool into it.

Upon her first snip of fabric, Lucifer couldn’t help but screech. “Stop! Please don’t cut my clothes.”

The sorceress’s dark eyes fixed him. “We need to remove your garments that we might better examine you.”

“It’s the ‘we’ part I’m not comfortable with. You’re talking about denuding me in front of a crowd.” He lowered his voice. “A man shouldn’t show off his naked parts to the ladies. It isn’t proper.” A man his age should practice modesty.

“But everyone’s seen your junk,” Katie remarked. “There are dozens of sex shops in the merchant ring that have modeled their vibrator collection after it.”

Lucifer could have died of embarrassment as his keen employee reminded him of the follies of his youth. “I am so ashamed of my previous exhibitionist actions. Modesty is the righteous path.”

“No! Just no. I can’t take this anymore!” Remy pushed through the crowded people, anxious to leave the lab.

The poor demon was overcome with emotion as Lucifer expressed remorse.

More like horrified. He knows it’s a crime to hide our virile manhood from the ladies.

Nonsense, Remy left because he understood Lucifer’s need. “If you insist on conducting this examination, then might I ask for some privacy?”

At his request, silence filled the room, broken only by the sizzle of the burning torch.

“Did he just say…” someone whispered at the back.

“Yes, he did.”

“Someone should check for snow. Again.”

Oh yay, more of the fluffy stuff. Funny how so many of his recent actions were, for some reason, being tied to the snowflake and ice events.

“You heard Lucifer. He wants privacy, so everyone out,” Gaia ordered.

Lucifer could tell by the tears in his beloved’s eyes that she appreciated him showing such modesty. As Lucifer’s future intended, she didn’t want any other ladies getting a peek. He wondered if she would politely avert her gaze. Hopefully she wouldn’t look. It would make their wedding night so much more special. He couldn’t wait to join with Gaia.

It’s called fucking, you freaking repressed moron.

No, it was lovemaking because Lucifer would be merging himself body and soul with the woman he loved.

You are sucking the joy out of everything,
moaned his inner voice.
We should have let Xaphan kill us. I should jump into the abyss.

Suicide is a sin,
Lucifer reminded his other self.

Exactly.

Fingers snapped in front of his eyes.

“Luc? Luc? Are you in there?” Gaia peered at him with evident concern.

“Right here, my beloved flower.”

She cringed. “Everyone is gone from the room except for me and Nefertiti. She is going to cut off your clothes now.”

A shame. He rather liked the outfit he sported today. The bright yellow slacks and the button-down, collared shirt really brought a hint of sunshine to this place.

The air this far down in the castle proved a touch chilly, and he shivered as the fabric parted and peeled back. To keep himself warm, he kept his gaze on Gaia, who paced at the foot of the medical altar.

How beautiful she appeared with her hair pinned atop her head in a messy cascade. Today she sported a lovely frock that shimmered in the candlelight and clung to her womanly curves.

Such beautiful, luscious curves.

Remember touching that smooth skin? How she likes to cry out when our lips leave scorching kisses as we make our way down to her neatly trimmed forest…

Lucifer did remember. But he shouldn’t. Fornication out of wedlock was a sin. A big sin.

He forced himself to look away, yet that didn’t stop the memories from staining his mind.

The image of her cheeks flushed, her mouth open, her back arched…

The feel of her fingers digging into his back…

No. No. Stop it.
The sinful reminders warmed his body, especially a certain part.

Naked, he couldn’t hope to hide it, and his erection did not go unnoticed.

“I see at least one part of him is working fine,” snickered the sorceress.

“Now there’s a surprise,” muttered Gaia. “Given he hasn’t touched me since the engagement party. I was beginning to wonder if Ursula’s kiss had rendered him impotent.”

Gack. Argh. Ugh.

The voice in his head went in paroxysms. Apparently, it took great insult in Gaia’s words. Lucifer saw only the care and concern.

“Nothing ails me,” he reassured her.

It didn’t erase the line of concern on her forehead. “Okay, Neffie. Where should we begin the examination?”

Nefertiti began at his feet, which made him giggle. Her small and deft hands palpated every inch of him, except his manparts, while his inner voice chanted,
“Touch it. Touch it. Touch it.”

“Please don’t touch me in my private place,” Lucifer begged.

“You don’t want her to touch you?” Gaia asked, her brows arched high.

Why the surprise? She knew his feelings on intimacy.

“It wouldn’t be proper for her to touch me”—he lowered his voice—“there.”

“I see.” Gaia tossed the remnants of his shirt over his genitals. “Let’s leave that part alone for now.”

“If you insist.” Nefertiti skipped over his penis—giggle—and continued up his body.

Snort. I can’t believe you think of it as the P word
.

Of course Lucifer knew the correct word for it. But it wasn’t something one should say blithely aloud.

You’re right. The P word should never be used. Cock. Dick. Rod of pleasure. Now those are words.

La-la-la-la-la. He hummed to avoid the litany of crude names for men’s parts.

Nefertiti shone a light in his eyes, a magical beam that shot from the tip of her finger. She peered into each of his ears. Made him open his mouth and say “Aaaah.” Even parted the follicles of his hair and checked his scalp.

“I can’t see a bloody thing out of place,” she grumbled. “All of his parts seem intact, the right size, and in fine working order.”

“No!” Gaia practically wailed the word and then threw herself against him. He would have dearly loved to hug her and pat her back to tell her everything was fine, but all he could manage was, “It’s a good thing she didn’t find anything. Don’t cry, keeper of my heart.”

Gaia raised her head, and he noted her eyes shone bright with tears. “What did you call me?”

“Keeper of my heart.” He smiled.

She did not return it. Instead, she moved away from him and dragged Nefertiti to a corner. They whispered, but he didn’t eavesdrop. It wasn’t polite.

When they returned, Nefertiti conjured a stethoscope out of mid-air. Placing the listening buds in her ears, she then leaned over to place a cold metal probe against his chest.

“I’ll be fucked by my harem times two,” she muttered. “I didn’t have a clue it was there. The Dark Lord has a heart.”

“No he doesn’t,” Gaia stated. “At least he’s not supposed to.”

“Of course I have a heart, silly billy,” Lucifer stated with a laugh. “I have a great big one, and it’s full of love for you!” He beamed.

Gaia walked out.

Probably to work on her vows. The wedding was getting close after all.

More like she left to sharpen a stake.

I love you.

Fuck off!