The platter and all remains of their meal had been cleared away. A candle burned low on the table, casting its flickering light on Tatiana, asleep and unmoving on the bed. Matt rummaged through his bag for the writing case and journal. He sat down at the table, prepared a pen and opened the book. But his gaze strayed to Tatiana’s sleeping form. She’d disrupted his life once and he would not allow her to do it again. Not to him, not to his family. He had no answers and was no longer even sure of the questions. If one discarded all possibility of affection and emotion, nothing made sense at all. But accepting that he might well feel something beyond desire for this woman was not worth considering.
He pulled his gaze away from her and stared at the blank page before him. This was, no doubt, as ridiculous as everything else, yet his entire life seemed an exercise in absurdity at the moment. He drew a deep breath and began.
Dear Ephraim…
Dear Ephraim,
First of all, I should like you to understand that while I may be writing these letters per your request, I have made no decision as to their eventual use. To ensure discretion, should this become public, I shall not use the proper names of any person or country. In truth, it is entirely possible that neither you, nor anyone else, will ever read so much as a word of what I put forth. Nonetheless, while I have never been prone to putting pen to paper, I find a need to discuss the events that have transpired today, and this writing will serve that purpose, if no other.
The princess continues to be an enigma to me. While she is forthright about some intimate details of her past, she refuses to confide in me completely. She still insists her purpose for our travels is to document the journey of an ancestor.
I must confess I now understand her reticence. Trust does not come easily to her. Admittedly, where she is concerned, trust no longer comes easily to me either. We have both suffered at the hands of those we have felt great affection for and therefore trusted. It is exceedingly ironic to consider her lack of trust in me is entirely the fault of someone else, yet my lack of trust in her is due to her and her alone. Our first day together passed uneventfully, for the most part. We spent long hours driving from London, and Her Highness slept most of that time. I envy her that ability, as I myself have never been able to manage such a feat, but she appeared to have no trouble. Indeed, she was slumbering within moments of our departure. It is something of a pity, as I had hoped idle conversation between us would reveal at least a hint of her true purpose.
I am, however, learning a great deal about her country. She has chatted about its history and surroundings as well as its curious customs and traditions. While her descriptions sound most interesting, I must confess the people themselves might well be a drunken lot.
Still, one might find it worthwhile to visit…
Chapter 8
“Good day, my lord.” Tatiana favored Matthew with her brightest smile. Matthew waited impatiently beside the carriage and glowered. “We need to be off at once. The hour is growing late and—”
“Are you always this unpleasant in the morning?”
“Yes,” he snapped and held out his hand to help her into the vehicle. He assisted her in an overly brisk and highly impersonal manner, then circled the horses to take his place beside her.
“Well, now that we have settled the question of your disposition,” she said sweetly, “how is your virtue this morning?”
“My virtue?” He glared. “My virtue has nothing to do with anything.”
“I do apologize.
Virtue
might not have been the right word.” She paused. “
Morals
is perhaps a better word.”
“My morals are not in question either.” He tugged on the reins and the horses started off.
“Oh, come, now, Matthew, your morals are definitely in question. In truth, when we first met I did not particularly think you had any. And yet you married me when I am most certain you have
not
married every woman you have bedded.”
He stared straight ahead and a tiny muscle in his jaw tightened. “Only the princesses.”
“I see.” She stifled a grin. “So you only have high moral standards when it comes to women of royal blood?”
“Apparently,” he muttered.
“Why did you marry me, Matthew?”
“At the moment, I have no idea.” His voice was grim and quite deflated her lovely mood.
“You need not be so nasty about it.”
His foul nature could be attributed to the fact that the man had had very little sleep. Or he could truly hate her, but she preferred to think he was simply tired and perhaps frustrated. She certainly was. When he had finally returned to their room, she had pretended to be asleep. In truth, she had spent most of the night surreptitiously observing him at the table, writing something in a small notebook, probably to do with his work.
The candle flame cast him in light and shadow and she spent long hours studying the planes of his face. Not that she did not know the curve of his cheekbone, the line of his jaw or the way his eyes crinkled at the corners with concentration, by heart. After all, she had studied him every day in her mind’s eye. And she could watch him forever.
“The horses look fine,” she said in an attempt to engage him in some sort of conversation before she needed to observe Avalonian tradition and start the journey with a brandy. “Not particularly special, but fine.”
He did not respond. Apparently, he was not inclined to idle chatter today. She settled back against the seat and tried not to smile. As disappointed as she had been last night—and she had been extremely disappointed—it was in many ways a most satisfactory evening. Matthew’s refusal to carry on was an excellent indication of the possibilities of a future together. Oh, certainly he would have continued if Mrs. Wicklund had not interrupted. Regardless of conscience or honor or anything else, he was still a man, and such things were to be expected from men. If nothing else, Phillipe had taught her that.
Matthew’s reticence to pick up where they had left off was perhaps the nicest thing that had ever happened to her. It was obvious he could not simply treat her as if she were any other woman. Whether he realized it or not, he did indeed have feelings for her beyond the irritation he expressed right now and the lust he had shown last night. And regardless of his protests, she was convinced he was leery of what physical intimacy between the two of them would bring.
It made perfect sense. She had hurt him terribly and he had no reason to trust her. No reason to want her back.
But he would. Eventually.
Not because she had always gotten what she wanted in life. In truth, she had never really
wanted
anything before now. Not like she wanted this man, her husband, back.
“I do not know why you should be so disagreeable this morning,” she said. “After all, I was not the one who ran shrieking from the room last night like a nervous virgin.”
“I did not shriek.” His voice was cold, but there might have been the tiniest glimmer of amusement in his eye.
“But you must admit you were nervous.”
“I was not the least bit nervous, nor”—he cast her a pointed glance—“was I scared. I have been with women before.”
“Hundreds, no doubt,” she said blithely. “But that is not what frightened you.”
“Then do tell me, Your Highness, as you know me so very well, what did frighten me?”
She ignored his sarcasm. “You were afraid that once we made love you would discover feelings for me you would prefer not to have.”
“I have all sorts of feelings for you. None of which require discovery, as I am more than aware of each
and every one, and most of which are not particularly pleasant.” His voice was firm. “Anything that might have happened last night would have meant nothing beyond the immediate gratification of the moment.”
“Then why did you stop?”
“The mood, my dear princess, had been shattered. I was no longer interested.” His voice held a lofty, superior note.
“Hah. From what I observed, you were extremely interested.”
“Appearances can be deceiving.”
“Not that appearance.” She bit back a grin.
“You surprise me, Princess.” He slanted her an assessing glance. “I don’t remember you being quite so forthcoming about such matters. If I recall correctly, you were rather… well, demure.”
“I have put demure, and reticent as well, behind me,” she said lightly, ignoring the wave of heat that flashed up her face.
In truth, she had never been so forthright in her life. But she had realized, almost as soon as she had gone, that the way she had left him—indeed, leaving him at all—was a dreadful mistake. From that instant she knew the perfectly proper creature she had always been was not able to do what needed to be done in order to claim a life for herself—with or without him. She had put a great deal of effort since then into ignoring the upbringing that had taught her to be retiring and complacent. Instead she’d learned to speak her mind and do what she, and she alone, thought best. To her surprise, Tatiana found she liked the change in herself—indeed, liked herself—far more than she ever had. She no longer felt like a wisp at the mercy of the wind, but like the wind itself. She had a newfound sense of respect for the woman she was and realized she had not had such respect before. Matthew was not the only incentive for her change, but he was the beginning. Perhaps it was because they had known each other as nothing more than a man and a woman rather than a princess and a nobleman. With Matthew, the barriers of position she had always been bound by vanished.
“Since last we met, I have learned to be bolder in word and deed. I have discovered the only way to achieve what one really wants is to pursue it.”
“Not really.”
“No?” She stared in disbelief. “You, who swore to love me until your dying day? You did nothing to stop me from—”
“You left when I was asleep. It was the act of a coward.”
She sucked in a hard breath. “It most certainly was not!”
“What would you call it?”
“Prudent. It would have been most awkward otherwise.”
“No doubt. If I was awake you would have had to explain to me how you’d lied about who you really were.”
“I said it was awkward!” She struggled to regain a sense of calm. “Regardless, when you awoke, you did not follow me.”
“Oh, but I did, Princess.” His tone was cool. “I learned where the Avalonian delegation was staying in Paris and I went there to find you. Or rather, I sought the princess’s companion. Imagine my surprise when I saw you in a carriage, and a guard pointed out his princess. Her Highness. My wife. You.”
She winced. “I am certain that was most upsetting.”
His head snapped toward her and his eyes widened. “Upsetting? You think it was simply upsetting?”
“I said
most.”
“Yes, well, it was indeed
most
upsetting.” Sarcasm colored his tone. “Rather on a par with the cut of a jacket being a bit off or the gait of a horse being not quite right. Most upsetting, indeed.” He snorted with disgust.
“Still, I should think, at this point, you would be… well”—she met his gaze directly—“beyond it.”
“Beyond it?” He glared. “I am beyond it. I have put it, all of it, firmly in the past.”
“Then why do you keep bringing it up?”
“I…” He narrowed his eyes and stared at the road before them. “You are driving me mad, Princess.”
“Good! You are the most annoying man I have ever met and I cannot imagine what I was thinking to come back to you.”
“
You
have come back to
me
?” He raised a brow. “I thought I was incidental. I thought you came to England to write the history of a long-dead relative.”
“That too!” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared unseeing at the passing countryside. Why on earth did she bother? He was indeed the most irritating man in the world. Still, he was also the only man in the world who triggered such depths of emotion and passion, anger and excitement, the only man who made her feel that life itself was not worth living without him. Annoying creature.
Long minutes passed with only the sound of the horses’ hooves and the crunch of the carriage wheels on the road to break the silence. Tatiana had already told him more than she had planned. It was not her intention to tell him she wanted him. Or cared for him. Or loved him. At least not yet.
“So, what you really want is me,” Matthew said with a chuckle in his voice. She refused to look at him.
“I daresay that puts a whole different light on the matter.” His voice was smug and she bit back a
sarcastic reply. “I don’t recall ever having been pursued by a princess before.”
“You are not being pursued,” she said curtly.
“Chased, then.”
She clenched her teeth. “Not at all.”
“Hunted?”
“Only if I had a weapon,” she muttered.
He laughed, and she turned toward him indignantly. “I am so pleased, my lord, that I could lighten your mood.”
“You have not merely lightened my mood, my dear lovely princess, you have quite lifted my outlook on life itself.” He grinned, a self-satisfied smirk that made her want to hit him. Hard. More than once.
“Does this mean you will be more pleasant in the morning?”
“I shall be more amenable morning, afternoon and night.”
Without warning, he wrapped his free arm around her, slid her against him and kissed her firmly. He drew back and stared into her eyes. “See what happens when one tells the truth?”
“I do,” she said, her voice oddly breathless.
“Anything else you wish to tell me?”
“Yes.” She stared up at him and swallowed hard. “That was quite, quite nice.”
He studied her for a moment, then laughed and released her. “You do not trust me, do you, Princess?”
She folded her hands in her lap and smiled. “Nor do you trust me, my lord.”
“Yet another instance in which we are well matched.”
“I agree.” She reached beneath the seat. “And we should seal our agreement.”
“Ah, the traditional Avalonian traveler’s toast.” He chuckled. “Very well, today I will join you.”
She pulled out the flask, poured two cups and handed him one.
“To a safe and successful journey,” he said, lifting his mug.
“Excellent, Matthew.” She smiled. “Now you are in the spirit of the adventure.”
He took a deep swallow and gasped.