Authors: Albert Cohen
there on the welcome mat together, me being part of the family in a way, wearing my best, saying Pleased to meet you I'm sure 'cos in fact I had yet to set eyes on her handsome caballero, anyway without more ado I put my hat on the pretty one black with shiny spangles on and tied the string so tight I all but throttled meself, she was taking it all in, then I took my black-pearl handbag with A Present from the Exhibition picked out in white pearl on it, Good-night says I and she must have known what I was getting at 'cos I was that vexed I rushed here all the way from Geneva almost the minute she wired for me to come, quick hat on catch the train which I almost missed, 'cos to my mind you were Family, I bathed and dried her when she was a baby, patting her little baby's botty even giving her a kiss on her little botty-bum-bum which isn't so little any more well you see she didn't treat me like one of the family now, turning me out like a African slave, special day indeed seeing as how they hadn't clapped eyes on each other for a fortnight, you could have seen Sir Gorgeous every day, but oh no Madame had to put on a show, Sir Sensitive mustn't see this, mustn't see that before everything's hunky and dory, and me having brought from Geneva specially for her the best piece I made during my time at the factory, even the boss complimented me on it, an ashtray made out of ceramic paste, very artistic, with a snake coiled all round it looked almost alive and a frog with its mouth open for the ash from the cigarettes, yes dried her and put talcum powder on her morning and night, so to get my own back that night I had dinner in the hotel cafe, a real slap-up do to pay her out, sardines in oil and garlic sausage for first course, and then pig's trotters in breadcrumbs, they had some as it happened, there was cold chicken too but I didn't fancy any, chicken's got no taste, the only nice part of the chicken is the parson's nose, but now that's all blown over I've forgiven her, she gets such la-di-da ideas, you'd never believe, take them two washrooms, she says you gotter call them bathrooms, I always say washrooms 'cos it's where you get washed though you don't always have a bath, that's my story and I'm sticking to it so there, anyway one washroom for him with a connecting door to his bedroom and the other washroom for her done out with all mod cons as they say, but her washroom didn't have a connecting door to her bedroom, and then there was a separate lav, a convenience is what they call it, all white with luxury fittings and tiled so you could almost eat off the floor, but oh no that wasn't good enough for her she must have a special convenience for each of them, so she had one put into each washroom, so if you count the separate one that was there already that nobody uses and the servants' one in the cellar which is for me that makes four conveniences in all, no stop don't make me larf, of course I cottoned on straight away, the lavs in the two washrooms are to make sure the one don't know when the other has gone to spend a penny, or even tuppence, they can think that they've just gone to rinse their hands in the basin or take a dip in the bath seeing as how the noise of the taps drowns out everything else, but that's not all, she had an opening made in the wall and a door put in to connect her room with her washroom where she's got her convenience, it's so she can be even more secret about going to spend a penny 'cos no one will even see her going into her washroom, nobody any the wiser, I'll fox you I can spend a penny behind your back is the idea, now the way I see it there's nothing to be ashamed about in spending a penny, that's how the good Lord made us, even kings and queens go the same as me, my hubby always knew when I was going and it didn't stop us loving each other believe you me, but not her, she keeps it all a state secret and on top of that you know the flush on conveniences well she's had a special de-luxe one fitted that's silent, it's so he can't hear anything, so the romance is kept up, while she was about it she should have had a musical box thing put in singing Star of love and love's sweet light which came on when you pulled the chain, that would have been even more romantic, you've no idea all the work it made, there was three men came all the way
from Nice, even worked Sundays, just think how much that cost, I looked the other way so I wouldn't see the tips she gave them to keep them sweet, of course it all took time, making the opening in Madame's wall to put in a door to the washroom, and then the conveniences to install, great big pipes to lay under the tiles on the floor of both washrooms, the Swiss say mosaics but that don't mean the same they don't speak proper French, except my friend the maid I was telling you about, she's ejucated, when she talks it's like music in your ears, and also under the beautiful parky in the hall, and then it all had to be put back straight again, and all that trouble so that his nibs wouldn't know when she's spending a penny, as I was saying every blessed day they put on a beauty parade like they was on the stage or in the pictures, you know paradise-of-love stuff, Your heart stole mine that day of rapture divine, like Monsieur Victor Hugo says in one of his pomes, they say that even when he was eighty he didn't turn his nose up at a bit of the other white whiskers or no white whiskers kept a slip of a girl locked up all to himself, had a weakness for it all his life forever chasing skirts he was, mind you his wife wasn't best pleased she got her own back she played him fast and loose, it's in a book they lent me when I was in the horspital, she knocked about with this other one who did writing too, Monsieur Sainte-Beuve he was called, funny-looking sort, and then they stay in bed all afternoon Having Relations all very hush-hush in that great big bed it's miles wide it's the size of the Place de la Concorde, and they're ever so proper with each other when they talk it's like a bishop having a natter with a cardinal, and they have baths all bally day long, and that's not counting dips in the sea, if the sun's shining they go swimming even though it's wintertime, now speaking for myself I don't care much for the sea, you can't drink it you can't wash in it 'cos you can't get a lather going with it, it don't make suds, oh I don't like it round here, it's all rocks and stones, if it was me I'd call it the Dustiera not the Riviera, and there's mosquitoes everywhere, what's the use of mosquitoes, they were put on this earth to bother folks that's what, and then this wind hear it? it just goes on moaning all the blessed time, it's just like the proverb says when Febbry's calm, there'll be gusts in May, proverbs are always right, it's the wisdom of the ages, I know 'em all, one swallow don't make a summer, north winds do blow and we shall have snow, March in like a Hon out like a lamb, red sky at night shepherd's delight red sky in morning shepherd's warning, winter breezes bring coughs and sneezes, if Febbry don't March then April May, ne'er cast a clout till May is out, Christmas warm Easter storm, April showers bring forth the flowers, I know all the other ones as well, I'll tell them to you some other time, haven't the heart for it today 'cos I feel down in the dumps like they say, and then the way them bells keep ringing is getting on my wick, drives me up the wall, I'm going potty in this house they carry on like lovey-dovey dolls, like as if they was acting in a play, only see each other when they're all spruced up, she wrote down all the different rings on the card you see there pinned up over that beggar of an electric stove, three shorts and one long, three longs and one short, two longs, one long, two shorts, if she thinks it's easy telling the difference when you're getting on a bit, there are rings for me and rings for them and sometimes when it's for them I think it's for me and I rush off to see what she wants and then it turns out it wasn't for me after all, there are rings for when Sir Adorable Prince wants her to come and talk but only through the door, there are rings for when she asks if she can move around the place without him seeing her 'cos she's not finished titivating yet, rings for when he answers yes, rings for when he tells her to go to her room 'cos he's got to fetch a book from the drawing-room and isn't what they call presentable seeing as how he hasn't shaved, so then she rings in reply to say yes she'll go to her room, rings for when he wants to let her know he's back in his room and now she can move about even if she does look a fright seeing as how he won't catch sight of her, and every time it rings I jump out of my boots, at first there were times when I had to put my hand in my mouth I got such a fright, what the dickens is going on I thought, the house is full of electric ghosts, but now I'm used to it, it makes me larf, I dance the polka in my kitchen when they start their ringing, you'd think you were in a bell-factory and all the bells were being tested to see if they're working proper, they have rings for when he gets back from his walks, he's a good-looking man no question a real good-looking man, he rings the front doorbell four times so she can scoot off and hide if she hasn't powdered her nose enough, then there's a ring for when she asks if she can come and talk through the door, I mean the door to his room, but without him seeing her 'cos she's not finished making herself beautiful enough, there's a ring for when he says yes, and that means he has to stay shut up a prisoner of love in his cage and keep out of the way sometimes until lunch-time while Madame goes round giving orders in a white overall you'd think she was a nurse in a horspital, oh I'd hate to die in horspital, they're so unfeeling don't care about folk they think they're better than you are 'cos they aren't ill but just you wait your turn will come, and then sometimes she clarts her face up with what they call a mask, to make her look pretty, it scares me when I see her walking around with that stuff on her face not talking, looks like mud the same colour as the battleships you can see from here, I'm against war, all it does is make a lot of folk unhappy on both sides, and the big noises just stay put and shout to the young ones Come on lads show 'em what you're made of you gotter lay down your lives for your country that's the spirit, you gotter be heroes and fight for your country we'll give you a lovely grave with a bit of a flambo on top from a gas ring that never goes out not that it'll do you much good but us big noises will just snuggle down here in our comfy billets, and then there's three longs for when she calls me to do her room, but she stays in it in case she's seen by Sir Charlie Darling 'cos he's all shaved and ready and has let her know that he's ready and presentable but she's not presentable seeing as how she's not tarted her face up enough, so three longs, oh and a lot of others that I can never remember, and then if she's got a bit of a cold she won't come out at all if you please so that he won't see her looking a fright and she won't see him again until her cold's passed off, which means me taking her food to her room on a tray so she's a prisoner of love too, and sometimes when the bells aren't working on account of the electricity being off it's Go and ask if it's all right for me to come out, 'cos she won't let herself be seen unless she's properly dolled up, and it's the same thing with him, so then I have to rush around from one to the other like a racehorse skidding and sliding about in my slippers and sometimes I shout gee-up horsey to keep myself going, quick now off you go and tell Madame not to show her face seeing as how Sir Gorgeous has to come out for something, now and then a bit of tripping and sliding does me good, bucks me up no end, but then poor ole Mariette's got to go scurrying off to tell Sir Handsome righty-oh Madame won't come out now but would Sir Handsome let her know when she can 'cos Madame has got to go to Cannes to do some shopping and mind you tell him she's very sorry it's urgent and don't forget to say very sorry, 'cos that's how it is with them polite as kings at court they are, in the mornings it's all toing and froing, like in the animal house at the circus where they raise the cage doors to let the wild creatures in and out, 'cos the Hon must never be with the tiger, no hobnobbing between lions and tigers allowed, they're born enemies, oh but sometimes I just gotter larf, one time she had something special to say urgent couldn't wait but neither of them was presentable enough yet seeing as how it was so early in the morning, so she slips on her fetchingest dress and goes into his room backwards to have a hush-hush palaver with him, I don't miss a trick of course I don't let on oh yes I have a squint through the keyhole now and then just to keep abreast, anyway in she reverses and talks with her back to him, that way get it she didn't see him looking a fright and he didn't see her looking a fright, or put it this way he could see her all right but from the back and the back view don't matter like the view from the front, specially the face, but they don't carry on like that very often, only the twice, what it all adds up to you see is that they don't like it when one of them knows that the other one isn't looking what they call implacable, that means not a hair out of place from head to foot, another time I saw her, through the keyhole again it was, nothing else for it I'm entitled I'm duty-bound to keep an eye open so she don't come to no harm if they was ever to have a tiff besides it's not much fun being here, there's times when I get really low, I feel all alone forgotten by the whole yuman race as they say, well anyway I seen her with this blindfold over her eyes, 'cos she had to talk to him but wasn't allowed to see him, and he was guiding her like she was blind so she could sit down on a chair, she had a blindfold on 'cos this time she was presentable and it was him that wasn't presentable as they call it, so there she was on her chair with this blindfold on looking like a sleepwalker or one of them gyppos you meet in the street and they tell your fortune sometimes what they tell you really happens especially Madame Petroska she's got the gift, but the sight of her there talking so po-faced with a blindfold over her eyes well it was so daft I couldn't stand it no more and had to take myself off to my pantry I was nearly splitting my sides I opened the chute for the kitchen-waste wide and stuck my head in it so I could let it all out in peace without them hearing, p'raps one of these days I'll put a blindfold over my eyes like Madame Petroska so I can't see his nibs, but then how on earth could I see to wax the floor and polish the parky, but that time he was away on his travels she really let her hair down with me in the kitchen, had a good ole plateful of sauerkraut with smoked cutlets sausage salt bacon the lot enjoyed it licked her chops afterwards but said on no account was his lordship to know she'd been eating sauerkraut, and they're always going at it like fighting lobsters in that great bed, I can hear them, a little of what you fancy does you good but you can have too much of a good thing, and the sheets on the big bed I've got to change them two three times a week on washing days there's three of us on with it me and two women who come in, but mark you when it's just the two of us together of a morning she's ever so sweet, we have a laugh real good pals thick as thieves, and with her chattering nineteen to the dozen so you'd think she'd been inoculated with a grammyphone needle, no side with her, but when I wait on the pair of them at table she looks down her nose at me like a princess as if I was just a potato peeling, oh mark my words she's not easy when Mr Tall-and-Curly's about, the other day she went red as a beetroot got up on her high hobby-horse 'cos I'd said while they was having dinner that the plumber had made a rattling good job of her lav, she could have strangled me, and now I haven't to speak when they're having their dinners, not even to tell her we're out of onions, and when I'm serving out I gotter be careful not to cough, and I'm not allowed to wait at table in my slippers, not allowed to say anything about the meat, even if it's overcooked and it's not my fault they was late prob'ly on account of overdoing it in that king-size bed, the upshot being that I gotter have a face like the waiters you see in posh hotels, I put my poker face on before I go into the dining-room I start by closing my mouth tight as if I'm going to a funeral though sometimes I want to laugh fit to bust I get red as a beetroot just as I'm going in through the door and there they are, sat at the table although not five minutes before they were giving the bed-springs a good going-over, at table they're so la-di-da it makes me see red, saying yes please no thank you, talking just like they was two presidents of France, and with her just taking little mouthfuls that are hardly worth bothering with, but in the mornings if we're having our breakfast coffee together she tucks into enough bread and butter and jam to sink a hippopotamouse, and she takes good care to keep the kitchen door shut when she's having her coffee with me 'cos she's dead scared he might see her simpling herself by having breakfast with her ole Mariette who changed her nappies when she was little, and sometimes all of a sudden she rushes in panic-stricken, quick I gotter drop everything and iron one of her silk dresses 'cos them nights-of-passion dresses of hers mustn't be creased they're a bit like blouses but also like tailor-made evening gowns, I'll have to show you, then it's on with the music on the grammyphone it gives me the willies when they shut themselves away in their room to worship love in the temple, but there won't be any kiddies, no fear of that, I know what I'm talking about I keep my eyes skinned, and then when they've finished their goings-on they go to sleep, then they wake up again, and they have baths, they go out for walks and they always wear their best, and then for ole Mariette it's off with you and get that master bedroom tidied up, and sometimes when I collect her dirty smalls I've gotter hide them in my apron for fear the king of kings might come out of his room at the wrong moment and catch sight of her dirty smalls though her smalls are always clean, poor Didi you had your good points after all, and if I go for his nibs's underthings she mustn't ever see any of them before they go into the washing-machine, I can't get on with these newfangled washers you know I liked the old ones better they were straightforward, his nibs's things aren't ever dirty either, mind you I'm not allowed to say dirty underwear to her if he's about or might hear, I mustn't say dirty either, If you must mention the linen she tells me say soiled, and if now and again she gives me a hand about the house, folding sheets or whatever, it's always got to be done on the sly, and when it's not bed it's bath and titivating and the rest of it, and they only use words like you find in