Jared took a moment to rein in his temper before responding. “Well,” he managed. “I sort of understand why he does it now. He doesn’t want the woman he loves to get hurt.”
“Come on,” Alex scoffed. “We’re talking about Pam. A submissive. You and I both know that at their core, most submissives are tough. They have to be, dealing with Dominant men. And Pam must be a real hard-ass if she’s with you.”
Jared gave a low chuckle. “Can’t argue with that. She’s my rough, tough cream puff.” He raised a mocking brow at his brother. “The woman who chooses you…well, she would need a spine of steel.”
At that, a wicked smile broke out on Alex’s face. “And a sweet, submissive heart. Plus, a killer rack.”
Both men burst out laughing. “Damn, what a pair we make,” Jared said.
When the laughter died down, Alex turned his attention to the matter at hand. “Listen…Pam’s a grown woman, not a helpless infant. There’s a big difference between coddling and protecting.”
“I didn’t mean to coddle her. She’s so smart and capable.” Jared paused. “And I do trust her.”
But Alex wasn’t done with him. “Feeling it isn’t the same as showing it. Your refusal to trust her with your secrets must’ve really stung, especially when she risked all by submitting to you this weekend.”
Crushing guilt seized Jared in its choke hold. “Shit,” he muttered. “That hadn’t crossed my mind yet. Now it seems even worse.” Agitated, he ran a hand through his hair.
Alex started in surprise. “What the hell happened to your hand?” he exclaimed. “It looks like you put it through a meat grinder.”
Jared examined his hand. Alex wasn’t exaggerating. Not only had he shredded the skin off his knuckles, his hand had swelled so much it resembled a bloodied, discolored baseball mitt.
He’d been so out of sorts, he’d barely noticed it. Jared wiggled his fingers. They hurt, but nothing appeared broken.
Jared glanced up at the screen. “Fist, meet wall. Wall, meet fist.”
Alex shook his head. “At least I put on some gloves before I go medieval. Better ice it up quick.”
“I will as soon as we’re done,” Jared promised. “So you think I should back off?”
“Yes,” Alex replied. “Don’t ignore her, though. Let her know you’re around when she’s ready to talk. And you better be apologetic. Grovel if you have to.”
Jared huffed. “Great relationship advice coming from the uncommitted man-whore.”
Alex leaned back and rested his legs on the desk again. “What can I say? Chicks dig me.”
An arrogant statement, although true. “Whatever you say. By the way, thanks for the advice.”
“You’re welcome. Anytime. I mean it.” Alex gave Jared a piercing look. “She’ll come around. You guys were solid before all this went down?”
“Outside of my bullshit, things were great. We’ve always gotten along well. I knew she was the one early on, but was too chickenshit to deal.” Jared sat up straighter. “This isn’t the case anymore. I want her. She’s mine.”
“Then wait for her. If she doesn’t come, maybe then you’ll have to give chase.” Alex rubbed the stubble on his chin. “Listen. You’re not like the old man. Not really. You’re a difficult son of a gun sometimes, but you’re also reasonable and capable of bending. That makes all the difference.”
Jared was touched. For Alex that amounted to an apology. “Thanks. Dad’s a good man in his own way, but sometimes I fear I’ll turn out like him.”
“You always had it harder than the rest of us. Being the firstborn, you got the brunt. The rest of us saw how he pushed you. The day you pushed back was a good one.” Alex’s expression turned thoughtful. “But despite his complaints, you’re still his favorite.”
“And Mother always did like you best,” Jared retorted. “Just because you were the only one willing to ride shotgun when she went on those antiquing excursions. I’d rather gouge my eyes out. Mama’s boy.”
Alex gave a smug smile and flipped him off. “Jealous.” He stretched and yawned. “Well, I’m outta here. Good luck. Let me know how things go.” With that, he signed off.
Jared stared into space, mulling over his brother’s words. Alex was right. Pursuing Pam at this point wasn’t a good idea. It would only overwhelm her. Backing off went against his every instinct, but he had to give her some space and wait it out.
As Jared lay in bed late into the night, he wondered how Pam was faring. Was she nervous about her new position at the firm? Would she ever forgive his mistakes? Or was she making plans for a future without him?
Chapter Ten
Before Pam fell into an exhausted doze that night, her mind crowded with images and thoughts of Jared. His gentle, caressing hands. The raw pain in his eyes while recalling past hurts. His joyous laughter. His never-ending patience with her follies.
And most of all, his deceptions. Were they meant to harm? No. But they were deceptions nevertheless. He had deliberately withheld important aspects of his life because he hadn’t trusted her enough to confide in her. That hurt more than anything.
When she finally drifted off, she dreamed of her father. In the murky world of sleep, where phantoms replace waking reason, she experienced again the sense of loss and shame, and of regret for a life wasted on things that mattered so little.
She woke the next morning, drained and listless, feeling no joy with the new day and its promise. Ever practical, she took extra care with her makeup, doing what she could to mask the ravages of the night.
Although Pam moved into a new office next to her boss, the day went on much like any other. She saw only glimpses of Danforth while rushing to and fro, making the necessary changes. There was the tedious paperwork to fill out, new information to absorb, and clients to greet. She managed to smile at the heartfelt congratulations of her coworkers. And all the while, at the back of her mind, there was Jared.
It wasn’t until day’s end that Danforth summoned her to his office.
“Well, Ms. Abernathy, it looks like you’ve settled in just fine,” he declared as soon as she crossed the threshold. “A good start.”
“Yes, it was, but there’s still much to do,” Pam replied, sinking into a chair.
“Ah, youth,” he said with a sigh. “So much energy. I’m sure you’ll have everything under control in no time.” He swiveled in his chair and regarded her over his glasses.
“I will certainly try,” she promised, beginning to twitch under his unblinking scrutiny.
“Let us clear the air,” he said, taking the direct approach. “I feel an obligation to clarify a few things.”
“There’s no need, Mr. Danforth,” she said quickly. “Really.”
He ignored her protest, rubbing his chin with a veined hand. “As you probably know by now, Jared comes from a good family.”
“Yes. If you mean wealthy and well-bred…I figured it out for myself. He’s not one to speak of such matters.”
Her admission brought forth a dry chuckle. “True. Jared’s always been a low-key fellow. Now, I wouldn’t say he’s ashamed of his privileged upbringing.” He deliberated for a moment. “But he never used it as a means to gain further status or approval. In fact, he played it down.”
“He certainly did with me,” Pam replied, trying to keep the bitterness out of her tone. “I had no idea of his social connections with you, the success of his business, the account in this firm. Nothing.”
Danforth shrugged. “I’m sure he had his reasons for holding back, which I’m sure are none of my business. I am convinced, though, he was ready to tell you all.”
“I believe he was ready as well, but still…I don’t like deception of any kind.”
He nodded. “Fair enough, Ms. Abernathy. But sometimes fear or misperceptions make smart people do stupid things. No one knows more than those who work in the field of law.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “I’m not one to accept lame excuses.”
He gave a dismissive wave. “Explanations, Pamela. When a person takes responsibility for his actions or inactions, he tries to make amends by explaining his reasoning, however faulty the reasoning may have been. People who make excuses often justify their wrongs by twisting the facts so they can carry on with their deceptions. There’s a big difference.”
His words effectively silenced her. “I see your point, but…” She sat up in her chair and faced him head-on. “Did you promote me because I was dating Jared?”
The sudden scowl made her gut clench. “Absolutely not. That would constitute nepotism. A dishonorable act. Do you find me to be a dishonorable man, Ms. Abernathy?”
Pam shook her head. “No. Never, Mr. Danforth. Please understand. I found out about this just yesterday.” She took a deep breath. “I apologize. I never meant to insult you.”
The frown remained. “Let’s be clear. You were promoted on your own merit. You have worked hard and deserve your current success.”
“Thank you,” she hurried to reply.
This seemed to mollify him. Somewhat. “I handed over Jared’s account to Shuttleworth the minute I made you my personal assistant. He’s the best man for the job, having a special knack for legal issues faced by security companies.”
“I appreciate it, Mr. Danforth.”
A brow rose. “I say this, despite their little misunderstanding the other night.”
Please shoot me, Pam thought, desperate.
Danforth examined a glass paperweight. “Jared is just like his father. Hardheaded. Proud. Competitive. It’s why they clash so often.” The paperweight, some oversize monstrosity with a carved inlay of the scales of justice, seemed to fascinate him. “Shuttleworth told me how Jared misinterpreted the business dinner between the two of you the other night.”
Pam stared at him. “Business dinner?”
He smiled as he twirled the paperweight. “Yes. I’m glad to see my employees socializing outside the office, talking shop and sharing ideas. It’s like we’re one big, happy family.”
“Er…” Pam began.
“Shuttleworth is a good man,” Danforth noted. “Very discreet. So genial, until you try to pry information out of him when he doesn’t want to share it. Too often, I have to infer things on my own.” He stared at Pam over his glasses. “Is my meaning clear?”
“Yes. We’re clear on that, Mr. Danforth,” Pam said.
He stood up. “I consider this matter closed,” he said as Pam rose from her seat. “Except for one thing.” He rounded the desk and stood before her. “Not everyone possesses a strong moral compass, Pamela. In fact, very few have one.” He held up a finger. “However, I count Jared as one of those who do.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I agree.”
His voice lowered. “He could have stayed, you see. He had a brilliant future in the military. You know he was a highly decorated officer?” At Pamela’s nod, Jared continued, “He commanded the respect of everyone around him. But he knew that the military was not his ultimate path. That it was wrong to stay if he no longer belonged.”
“I know. Jared’s father was so angry…”
“Yes.” Mr. Danforth’s eyes clouded. “It takes courage to ignore the din of the crowd and choose the hard road of one’s conscience.” He walked her to the door. “He’s found another way to serve his country. Groundbreaking developments in international security. Empire-building endeavors. God bless his entrepreneurial heart.”
They stopped at the doorway. “Good night, Ms. Abernathy.” His mouth turned down in mock annoyance. “I assume you’ll be here bright and early tomorrow morning?”
“As always, Mr. Danforth,” Pam laughed. “As always.”
* * * *
On the subway ride home, Pam recalled an art project assigned to her class by their sixth-grade teacher. The teacher had instructed the students to select an intangible or abstract noun such as “hope,” “justice,” or “beauty,” then give it form in a drawing.
She gave the students all the necessary materials for interpretation and self-expression. Construction paper, paintbrushes, and crayons littered the classroom as the children started their projects. By day’s end, “joy” took the form of an ice cream sundae or a day at the beach, while “beauty” revealed itself in a rainbow or a summer sunset.
When the teacher eyed Pam’s project, she’d frowned, confused.
Pam had chosen “secrets” as her special word. The drawing had been split into two panels. On the left, she’d given secrets an indefinite, shapeless form. It was an indeterminate color and crouched in a corner of a dark room, hiding itself from the light. On the right panel, the creature had left the gloom and taken on a definite shape. It walked upright, colored a soft, shimmering violet, with its face turned up to the sun.
What a weird kid, she thought with amusement.
It was time to shed the light on her secrets.
* * * *
When Pam arrived at her apartment, she took a shower and forced herself to eat a light dinner. After tidying the kitchen and setting up for the next workday, she sat down and watched a popular sitcom, her thoughts wandering to matters much too complicated to solve in a half hour.
The text came in as the show ended.
Hi, beautiful. I’m home. If you want to talk, I’m here.
She texted back,
Busy right now. Will contact you soon.
She arrived at Jared’s in less than a half hour. When he opened the door, she stepped into his arms without a word.
“Sweetheart,” he whispered in her hair. “It’s so good to see you.”
Pam pulled back. “I’m glad too. And I’m sorry I didn’t announce my visit.”
At that, he grunted. “As if you’d ever have to do that.” Holding her hand in a tight grip, he locked the door and ushered her inside.
“Whoa.” His bandaged hand had caught her eye. Concerned, she lifted it to inspect the damage. “What happened to your hand?”
Jared started to speak, then seemed to catch himself. “I punched the wall,” he admitted, looking embarrassed.
It was totally out of character. He must have been very upset. “It isn’t fractured or anything, is it?”
“Nah…it’s nothing. I hardly feel anything.”
“Good.” She kissed it, then peered up at him. “Listen,” she said, trying to keep her tone light. “I have to tell you something.”
His look became guarded. “What?”
She placed a reassuring hand on his chest. “It’s not what you think,” she said. “Can we sit?”