She looked down, dipped her dumpling in soy sauce and took a bite. I contained myself for a few minutes as we ate our food and watched the show. Then I launched into what had happened with Brett.
Well, the version of the story she had to hear. That was the biggest problem with Jillian; every word I said to her had to be carefully considered, as if I was shouting it through a megaphone.
It’s not that Jillian went around whispering other people’s secrets into people’s ears like in that old Norman Rockwell painting. She just let everyone in on the secrets through heavy 5 0
P A I G E H A R B I S O N
implications, broad hints and, from the experience I had with extracting the best gossip from her, a lot of facial expressions that served as answers to leading questions. I truly believed, however, that she didn’t do it intentionally. You could doubt-less hook her up to a lie detector and she would pass with f lying colors.
She honestly seemed unaware.
So that was why I was going to have to be careful what I said to her.
“Okay, so are you ready to the hear about the biggest drama of this week?”
“Um,
duh?”
I told her everything I had told Headmaster Ransic. Everything from how
hard
I’d studied to Brett passing me the note during class, to getting caught, feeling bad about having to rat out Brett and going to the office. She drank in every word, gasping in all the right places.
By the time I finished the story, I knew she wasn’t going to need persuading. She was on my side. And if she was, then anyone who heard the story from her would be, too.
After she gushed about how unfair it was that I even had to go to the office, I asked her if she’d heard anything more about the new girl.
“Well, nothing except that she’s
way
nice and everyone loves her. She’s really popular already. It’s only been like forty-eight hours since she got into town!” she said, chewing on the end of a chopstick. “Oh, my God! You guys should totally hang out. I mentioned you on her first day, and she didn’t even know who you
were
yet.”
I almost asked her why she would suggest that when she knew what I’d told her about what Anna had said. Then I remembered the grenade. And then I thought about what had been happening to me.
5 1
My popularity was dwindling, and Anna’s was increasing.
Inside, I felt like some kind of worst fear had been confirmed. I had to stop this Anna girl from blowing up my life.
And I knew exactly how.
“Jillian?”
“Yeah?”
“How quickly can you tell everyone about the big party tomorrow night?”
“What big party?”
“The one we’re going to have.”
Jillian squealed and started bouncing quietly on her sofa cushion. She was obsessed with parties. Sometimes I’d wake up on the day of one of my parties, wander blearily down the stairs, and spot her outside setting up with Meredith. I was lucky to have them—I rarely had to do much.
A party was the perfect solution. It was time to reassert my popularity. Time to show Anna who wore the skinny jeans in this town. Better too soon than too late.
“’K, so get started,” I said, and Jillian nodded. I was gratified by her consistent agreeability. “Tomorrow you should get here early. We’ll have to set up. Plus I’ve got better makeup than you do. We’ll have to tell Michelle to come early also. She wears stuff from, like, the drugstore.” I made a
blech
sound.
Jillian was already on her phone texting out invites.
She, Michelle and I were up until two in the morning setting up for the party. I’d inform Meredith of my plans the next day. Not that it mattered anyway, because she would be f lying to Florida that afternoon.
And with that parent- and guardian-less freedom, I decided that Michelle’s twenty-two-year-old brother was going to have to do something more useful than sitting around playing video games.
5 2
P A I G E H A R B I S O N
The next day, Jillian, Michelle and I were sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast.
Well, mostly I was.
I was scarfing down sugary cereal. Jillian was reading the nutritional facts, eating a banana and telling me all of the reasons why I
shouldn’t
be eating “that bowl of sugar.” Michelle wasn’t eating anything.
“Michelle, eat something.” I glared at her.
“I’m not hungry, it’s fine.”
“Michelle.”
“Seriously,
Bridget.”
I considered her for a moment. “What, do you not
like
what I have to eat or something?”
I narrowed my eyes at her as she exhaled edgily.
“I’m just not hungry, okay?”
My phone vibrated on the table. I silenced it, not interested in reading yet another excited text from someone I didn’t care about saying something about
C ya tonite!
or
Thanks for the
invite!
We’d invited everyone we knew. And it felt like all of them were texting me. Which was all well and good—maybe people hadn’t been doing what I
told
them to lately, but I seriously doubted that everyone would stop being this eager to be my friend any time soon.
“Fine,” I said, as I took another bite from my cereal. “As long as you’re not just overreacting to Jillian’s little health freak-out over there. It’s not like she even knows what she’s talking about.”
She didn’t say anything, and just as I was about to grill her some more, Meredith came quietly into the kitchen. She was rubbing her lips together and closing a lipstick.
“Oh, good morning, girls!” She smiled.
5 3
I sneered. I didn’t know why, but as soon as she walked into the room, I felt like she’d been offensive somehow.
“I’m having a party tonight,” I said, giving her no greeting whatsoever.
“Are
you?”
“Yes.” I looked challengingly at her. Then I spotted her purse and suitcase by the front door. “I thought your f light wasn’t until four. Are you leaving
now?
”
It would be exactly like her to leave so ridiculously early for a f light. Even that conscientiousness of hers bothered me.
“Oh, well.” She pulled a to-go coffee mug from the cabinet and turned around to get the milk from the fridge. “I’m meeting somebody beforehand and I’ll have about an hour and a half before the shuttle picks me up after that. I just want to be ready to go in case the meeting runs long.”
“Meeting with who?” I asked.
She turned back to me and looked into my eyes warily. It had something to do with me, I knew it.
“Who?”
I demanded.
She sighed. “John Ezhno.”
Of course she couldn’t bring herself to lie, and save me the embarrassment she was now inf licting on me.
“Really.”
I stared at her.
“Yes, does that surprise you?”
“Um, yes.” It did. I could not believe this was still going on. “Does
that
surprise
you?
”
She set down the skim milk, and looked at me.
“Bridget, stop it.”
“
You
stop it.” She was the one going around having secret meetings. About
me,
for God’s sake.
“Bridget, I mean it! You know, I wouldn’t have to keep seeing him if you or your father would just—” She stopped.
5 4
P A I G E H A R B I S O N
If
Meredith
started defying me, I’d start a damn war with her. I didn’t have anything to lose in this relationship.
“Would
just
what?
”
She dropped her head, clearly holding back more tears.
Taking a deep breath, she stood up straight, secured the lid on her mug and walked out the door. I felt a small wave of guilt wash over me. I hated when other people took the high road in an argument. It made me look foolish.
When I turned back to my cereal, I felt two pairs of eyes on me. I looked up to see Jillian’s and Michelle’s mouths hanging open.
“Wha…?” I said with my mouth full.
The two of them exchanged an uncomfortable look.
“Nothing,” Jillian said, turning her face back to the nutritional facts. Her eyebrows were still raised.
“Look, I can’t help what she’s doing. You guys aren’t going to tell anybody, right? Jillian?”
“Of course not. Did you know this has partially hydro-genated oils in it? That is
so
bad for you. Oh!” She stopped to answer her phone, which had just started emitting a tinny version of “Respect.”
After talking for a minute, she hung up and announced that she had to go. Her brother had knocked his front tooth out, and she needed to take him to the dentist.
Michelle stuck around, which was weird, because usually she left earlier than Jillian. It was always strange when it was just the two of us. It always felt a little naked without someone else around as a buffer.
After closing the door on Jillian and reminding her to come back ASAP so I could fix her face with my makeup, I walked into the living room, where Michelle was sitting, and turned on the TV.
“Bridget?” she said. “Can we talk for a second?”
5 5
“Sure,” I said, f lipping through the channels. She looked at the TV, and then at me.
“Like, without the TV on?”
I exhaled noisily and turned it off. She took a deep breath before speaking.
“It’s kind of…embarrassing to talk about. I just think…that you kind of…make me feel bad about myself sometimes.” She said the last part of her sentence so fast I barely understood the words.
I scoffed and raised my eyebrows at her. “I what?”
“It’s just…I’m sensitive about my weight and—”
She
couldn’t
be serious.
“Oh,
shut
up,
Michelle.”
“No, Bridget, I won’t shut up!” She stood up. “You say things all the time that make me feel really bad about myself, and it’s just not okay!”
I sat there on the couch, looking up at her skinny body and bony cheekbones. I was shocked. I had hardly ever seen her mad about
anything,
and here she was, f lipping out about something stupid.
In retrospect, I realize I should have taken her seriously, if only just because she was my friend and I owed her that.
Instead, I was embarrassed by what she’d said. I took it as an attack on me and stood up, too.
“Like
what?
”
“Oh, my God, Bridget, you really don’t know?”
I suddenly felt defensive. What could I have ever said to make her feel insecure about her weight?
“No,
I
really don’t know,
” I said, saying her words with a nasty tone. “Are you seriously telling me
you
feel fat?”
“Yes!”
“Oh,
puh-
leeze.
You’re deluded. You’re crazy! And I’m not 5 6
P A I G E H A R B I S O N
going to listen to crazy talk.” Not anymore, anyway. I’d had enough of that lately.
Plus, Michelle was super skinny. She was like five foot eight and a hundred and fifteen pounds. She was the kind of pretty that made you want to just eat vegetables and fruit and sacrifice all the fat/delicious in your diet. She had
always
been gorgeous. The only reason
she
wasn’t the queen of the school was because she was too shy, not good with makeup or hair or clothes, and wasn’t willing to claw her way to the top of the social ladder. And because I wouldn’t let it happen.
But even though the situation warranted me saying something reassuring like that, I just kept shouting at her.
“
I
didn’t say you’re fat, Michelle. I
wouldn’t
say anything like that. But if you
feel
fat, eat a salad or something, I don’t know. It’s all in your head. Just don’t blame
your
insecurities on me!”
She was so obviously thin that this conversation seemed ridiculous, and I didn’t want to waste time catering to Michelle’s compliment fishing.
“It’s
not
my
insecurities only, Bridget, you’re always making comments about what I should do to look prettier and telling me my clothes are all wrong, and I just can’t—”
“I’m your friend, Michelle, it’s called advice?” Then something occurred to me. I hushed my tone in disbelief at what this whole thing might be about. “Is this about the gym shorts? They’re from
freshman year.
And they just don’t fit you anymore!”
And there’s nothing wrong with that,
I should have said.
Instead, I shushed her when she tried to talk, and turned the TV back on. We spent the next hour in awkward silence, each with our faces pointed in the direction of the TV show neither of us were interested in, pretending that the argument hadn’t happened.
5 7
A few hours later, I wondered if what I’d said to Michelle was too harsh. I was considering dialing her number on the phone in my hand when I heard a car door slam in the driveway.
I raced down the stairs so that when Meredith opened the front door, I was standing on the bottom step with my arms crossed and my lips pursed.
She looked at me and sighed.
She
was impatient with
me?
“Listen,
Bridget—”
“What did you guys talk about? Did you swap stories about how awful I am?”
“Bridget, please,” she pleaded, quietly.
I closed my mouth only because I was desperate to hear what had happened.
She walked into the sitting room off the foyer and sat on the love seat. “Listen, I just can’t talk about this right now.”
My nerves twinged. I had to know what happened. They were talking about
my life.
“You can’t just go off with
my
teacher and then refuse to tell me what happened, Meredith.”
“I’m
not
refusing.
” Her voice was weary. “I just have other things on my mind, and—”
“If you would just say it, this conversation would end so much sooner.”
She shut her eyes, and took a deep breath.
It started to seem like it really wasn’t the right time, and I was just about to tell her to forget it and just tell me later, but then she started talking.
“He’s fed up with you being disrespectful. You and he, he and I, you and I, have
all
had that conversation. It is just time you stop. You don’t want to be removed from the class and have to take it again.”