Here to Stay (31 page)

“Permission?” She arched a fine eyebrow. “I thought it wasn’t needed.”

“Well, I don’t think it really is, but I’m trying to back up and start over, here.”

She didn’t exactly smile, but the dimple did flash in her cheek. “You’re right. Sorry. Where would you like to take him?”

“My sister, Sam, has a sister-in-law named Bethany who runs a riding academy for the handicapped. Luke seemed to enjoy petting my big horses, and I think he might get a kick out of going for a ride. Bethany has special saddles, so Luke won’t fall off, and she’ll take every precaution to ensure his safety.”

Mandy wanted to refuse. The thought of her brother on a horse made her heart freeze. But Zach was right. She did treat Luke like a baby. If he was ever going to lead a normal life, that had to stop. And, though her feelings were still bruised by what Zach had said, it appeared that he and Luke were becoming friends. If Zach kept his promise about not drinking around them again, the relationship might be good for her brother.

“If Luke would like to go, I won’t object,” she said. “It will have to be his decision, though. Petting a horse and being on one are two different things.”

Zach nodded. “True. So feel him out about it. Bethany is great with young people. I think Luke will like her. But it’s up to him.”

Mandy loved that little gesture he made when he was about to leave, touching the edge of his hat with a bent finger. He did it again just as he turned the second time to walk away. How such a small act could be so sexy, she didn’t know. She fixed her gaze on his backside, taking him in from head to toe. Had he practiced that strong, purposeful stride? And how on earth did he make dusty Wranglers look so darned good? As she watched him swing into the SUV, she sincerely hoped he had no bridges to sell. She had a very bad feeling she’d be a sucker and invest.

He tooted the horn as he pulled away from the curb. Mandy watched the vehicle until it rounded the corner and disappeared. What, she asked herself, had just happened? She’d been so angry she wanted to snatch him bald-headed, and somehow he’d talked her down. It made absolutely no sense.

It also frightened her.

Chapter Twelve

M
andy’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets when she returned to the house and found her brother in the kitchen. She’d left him planted on the sofa, and once settled there he was usually good for the evening. As she drew up behind him where he stood at the counter, she peered around his elbow to see what he was doing. He was trying to make a sandwich, a PB and J, only it wasn’t jelly he was about to spoon onto the smear of peanut butter.

“Whoa!” she said. “What are you doing?”

“Making a sandwich. Zach fed me, but I’m still a little hungry, maybe from the walk.”

“Well, that isn’t jelly. It’s salsa, and it’s the spicy kind.”

Luke let go of the spoon handle. “Uh-oh.”

Mandy screwed the lid back on the jar and returned it to the fridge, grabbing the strawberry preserves before she closed the clunky old door. “Here, let me.”

“No.” Luke said the word softly, but there was an underlying note of steely resolve in his voice. “I want to do it myself.” He held out his hand. “Give.”

Stunned, Mandy gave him the jar and watched in amazement as he groped in the drawer for a fresh spoon, finished making the sandwich, put it on a plate, and made his way to the table. He patted the air to find a chair, set the plate in front of it, and sat down. She doubted the evidence of her eyes.

Cheek bulging, Luke informed her, “I’ve decided to start doing more things for myself.” When she said nothing, he cocked his head in question. “I’ll need a little help. Can we reorganize the kitchen so I can find stuff?”

Mandy had the curious sensation that she’d been belted between the eyes with a fastball. Her legs felt weak as she went to the table and sat down. Luke had talked extensively to Zach Harrigan about his most private feelings and their personal business, and all she was getting out of him were a few cryptic sentences. She was the one who’d always been there for her brother. Yet he chose to share his deepest feelings with someone who barely knew him? Pain and anger merged and hardened into resentment. She took a deep breath.

Keeping her tone carefully neutral, she said, “I’m more than willing to help, Luke. I’m just not sure what brought this on.”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Today was ... well, I guess a shrink would call it a turning point for me, deciding to do it instead of just thinking about it.” He took another bite of the sandwich. “If I’m going to be able to do more for myself, we need to give this kitchen a major overhaul. Can we rearrange the shelves in the refrigerator and cupboards? If I know where things are, it’ll be easier for me.”

Mandy pushed out, “Just name it, you’ve got it.”

“At my special school when I was in foster care, they had this labeler that punched raised lettering into heavy plastic tape. They’re easier to find than the Braille ones, and cheaper, too. Do you think we could afford one of those?”

Mandy had seen the labelers and didn’t think they were very expensive. If they’d been a hundred bucks, she’d still have found a way. “Sure. For the time being that might work, but I can order you a Braille one as well.”

“The regular kind is all I need. If we labeled a lot of the stuff in here, I could trace the letters, and know what it is.”

Were they having this conversation, or was she hallucinating? Luke, who couldn’t find the bathroom, suddenly wanted to reorganize the kitchen? What on earth had Zach said to him? A new person was walking around in Luke’s body. Adjusting was going to take a while. Assuming the change was permanent, that was.
Don’t get your hopes up
, she cautioned herself. But it was difficult not to. Luke seemed truly determined.

“Eat up,” she said, glancing at her watch. “If we hustle, we can make it to an office supply store before it closes.”

Luke grinned. “That would be
great
. Maybe we can start on the kitchen tonight.”

By the time they found a labeler and Mandy drove home, it was nearly six. After getting Luke settled on the sofa and stashing their purchases in her office, she went to the refrigerator, trying to think what she might prepare for dinner that would be quick. If Luke wanted to reorganize the kitchen, she needed to strike while the iron was hot.

Intent on grabbing the makings for grilled cheese sandwiches, Mandy nearly jumped out of her skin when a chair scraped the floor behind her. She turned to see Luke lowering himself onto the seat. With his auburn hair standing up in peaks at the front, he looked so young, his face still in that teenage transition stage from boy to man. Occasionally, she glimpsed the hardening edges and planes of masculinity, but tonight in the soft golden glow of the ceiling light, a childlike softness dominated his features.

“You startled me. I’m not used to you moving around the house by yourself.”

There was splotch of dried brown stuff on the front of Luke’s fleece sweatshirt. Mandy guessed he’d spilled something during lunch at the park. Her throat went tight. It was wrong of her to resent her brother’s budding friendship with Zach. She should be pleased that Luke was reaching out. Instead she felt hurt. She knew that wasn’t right, but she couldn’t help it. She felt ... rejected, somehow.

“I’m going to try to become more mobile,” Luke said. “Remember that afternoon when we got in the pissing match about the guide dog? You said you’ve still got my cane stashed somewhere. Would you mind getting it out for me now?”

“Uh, sure, right away.” Mandy went to the closet. When
she
had suggested that Luke try using the cane again, he’d grown angry. Now, after one visit with Zach, her brother was all for it. How was she supposed to deal with that? “Here,” she said when she returned to the kitchen with the cane. “Just take it slow. I don’t want you to fall.”

Standing at the counter, Mandy attempted to spread mayonnaise onto four slices of bread, but she could barely focus. Zach’s accusations rang loudly in her mind.
It’s a great way to do penance, right, Mandy?
In the heat of the moment, she’d discarded that charge as being groundless. But, oh, God, now that Zach had put the thought in her mind, she realized it was true. She
needed
Luke to depend on her. Doing everything for him and sacrificing her own happiness eased her feelings of guilt.

Mandy gave up on making sandwiches, hung her head, and held tight to the edge of the counter, her fingers aching at the force of her grip. Damn Zach Harrigan. His words reverberated in her mind, refusing to be dismissed.
You’re not just screwing up your life. You’re screwing up his.
What kind of person was she? She’d made all the right noises, trying to encourage Luke to get a guide animal and attend college, but when it came right down to it, had she done one single thing to
force
him to be self-sufficient?

No. She’d been right there, helping him to the toilet, helping him to shave and find his clothes.
Enabling
. She’d enabled her brother’s helplessness. It wasn’t pretty, but she’d done it, not because it had been best for Luke but because it had been best for her.

“Mands?” Luke said softly.

She swallowed hard, praying her voice would be steady. She opened her mouth and felt her throat clog. She settled for a grunt, which Luke took as an answer.

“Can dinner wait for a while? I’ve got some stuff I need to talk to you about.”

Mandy managed to fake a cough that cleared her throat. “Can it keep, Luke? I have all the stuff out and—”

“No, I need to say it now before I lose the courage.”

Mandy turned around and stared at him. “Courage?” she echoed.

Luke nodded. “Some of it is going to be rough to say. You know? And I’m scared you’ll hate me after I tell you.”

Mandy made her way to a chair. “I could never hate you.”

“You think that now, but some of the stuff is really bad. Remember the times you tried to go out on dates? Well, I messed that up for you on purpose. It wasn’t an accident when I fell, and the other time, I wasn’t really sick. And that lady didn’t lie about me trying to catch the towel on fire. I couldn’t go out and have fun, so I didn’t think it was fair that you could.”

“Oh, Luke.” Mandy had always known that Luke had ruined her dates on purpose. But hearing him admit it soothed a deep, unacknowledged ache within her. He was reaching out. He was trying.

“I told you it was bad.” He made a fist in his hair, squeezed his eyes closed in a grimace that bared his teeth. “I know it was wrong of me, but at the time I didn’t see it. I blamed you for blinding me, and I—” His voice cracked. “I was scared. You know? If you went on dates and met some guy you really liked, where would that leave me?”

“And Zach Harrigan said something to change your mind about all that?”

“He said some stuff, yeah, but it was more like he sort of confirmed what I was already starting to think myself. That’s one of the reasons I asked him to take me walking today, so I could bounce a bunch of shit off of him. You know?”

“And you couldn’t have talked to me?”

She’d tried to keep her voice impersonal, but Luke obviously picked up on something. He turned his head slightly to one side, as though listening for messages she hadn’t spoken aloud. “You’re upset because I chose him instead of you.”

“I
am
your sister.”

“Exactly. You’re my sister, the person I’ve lied to and deliberately tried to hurt. Don’t you get it? Zach’s an outsider. He doesn’t have a stake in this. He can listen and sift through the bullshit easier than you can.”

Mandy bent her head, staring at the creases of her slacks. “What bullshit, Luke? I mean, I know we’ve had our problems, but have we gotten that far off track?”

Luke pushed at the tablecloth. “I think so. I’ve thought about this a lot. It isn’t something that came up just today. I’m nineteen, and I spend my life on the sofa or in bed. How far offtrack is that? You’re twenty-eight, you’ve been on only three dates, and I ruined all of them. You can’t really think this is normal. You just can’t. You think I can’t find the bathroom by myself. I freak when you leave this house to do anything that might be fun, and I figure out a way to wreck it. Sometimes I even convince myself that I hate you. How far offtrack is that?”

Mandy heard the self-condemnation in her brother’s tone. “Don’t, Luke. So much of that is my fault.”

Luke threw up a hand. “That’s the same old bullshit, Mandy. Everything is
your
fault. You think that partly because of Dad, but mostly because of me. Well, everything
isn’t
your fault. A lot of it is mine. I’ve accepted that, and you need to, too.”

“I shouldn’t have opened the windows. It was my fault the jar exploded.” She was so upset she could barely hear her own voice, but Luke, with hearing more acute than normal, had no difficulty.

“You were a kid and the responsibility for what happened isn’t yours; it’s our dad’s. Think about it. He used that accident like his fists, to hurt you
and
me. And, as always, he was successful. He’s an expert at hurting people.”

Mandy felt as if everything solid around her had turned liquid—the floor, the chair, even her life. When she looked at her brother, she didn’t know him anymore. “I ... Luke, this is a lot to take in. It’s like you went for a walk and came home a different person.”

Luke settled back on the chair. “It didn’t suddenly happen today. I’ve been fighting with this for a long time, but I was scared to do anything about it. You don’t really get that, not yet. But you need to try. There’s this thing inside of me.” He bunched a fist and pressed it to his sternum. “A fear. I know it sounds dumb but that’s the only way I can describe it. It’s been there for as long as I can remember, this huge
thing
, eating at me and making me do terrible things. If I were all the way crazy, maybe that wouldn’t bother me, but the normal part of me knows it’s nuts. I knew it was wrong, but the fear made me do it anyway. Does that make any sense?”