He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (10 page)

A significant American feminist movement, focusing on women’s rights (suffrage, dress reform, and free love), happened at this time. Free love, by the way, did not mean sexual freedom. It was the belief that a woman had the right to control her own body, and that desire, not law, should dictate a sexual encounter. In other words, a wife shouldn’t have to submit to her husband’s advances unless she wanted to. (Marie Stopes considered this to be, in no uncertain terms, rape.) Around this time, some of the early therapists and advice givers began to suggest that the extreme suppression of female sexuality encouraged during the Victorian era might not be a good thing for marital success. As early as 1912, sex educator William Robinson had argued: “Every case of di-84

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

vorce has for its basis lack of sexual satisfaction.” A book wrapped in plain brown paper became available to the discreet who were looking for ways to spice up their private lives.
How I Kept My Husband,
an oral sex how-to guide for women, cost ten cents.

Over the next few decades a woman’s right to sexual pleasure increased; marriage was now supposed to supply at least some gratifica-tion to both participants. In 1950s America, with divorce rates at an all-time high, men finally had to worry about how to keep their wives satisfied in bed. In 1971, a University of Connecticut academic paper examined the eighteen bestselling marriage manuals of 1950 to 1970, to identify changes in the perception of female sexuality. The authors concluded that the male was still considered to be the dominant and more experienced partner, although, at long last, “greater female initiative and ‘cooperation’ is advocated.” In other words, women were permitted to reveal some, but not all, of their sexuality and passion.

They suggest that a wife might be on safe ground saying she enjoyed dinner, as long as she doesn’t ask for a second helping when they state: “Radical implications of research on the multiorgasmic potential of women are virtually ignored in these books.” The following year, 1972, would see a radical change in marriage manuals with the publication of Alex Comfort’s
The Joy of Sex,
which stayed on the
New York Times
bestseller list for seventy weeks. Women were, for the first time in the twentieth century, depicted as not only sexual beings, but sexual equals.

But even before
The Joy of Sex,
a married woman was no longer expected to lie back and think of England. She could fantasize about having sex with the entire Royal Navy as long as she had a ring on the third finger of her left hand. Finally, she had permission to have a great time in bed. And that meant her partner had to provide it, and she had to give something back in return. For the married men and women of the 1950s and 1960s, the heat was on.

Today, American women are perceived of as being sexually liberated.

Beginning with another major feminist movement in the 1960s, and predictable, boring, unadventurous sex

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helped along by everything from birth control pills to morning after pills to erectile dysfunction pills (with the promise of libido-enhancement pills in the future), women, whether married or not, have earned the right to as much sexual pleasure as men. Some might even argue more. Unlike the penis, the clitoris is an organ designated for pleasure alone. Few men are multiorgasmic, and as we’ve openly known for decades, many women are. It was therefore surprising to us that “she is not sexually adventurous” was the main reason, by far, that our male respondents gave for not having sex with their wives. Almost 70 percent of the men said this was the case. In addition, 61 percent said that their partners “did not seem to enjoy sex.”

She doesn’t want anything except same place, same time, same way, and that’s always with the TV taking priority. (Male, 57, married to his 55-year-old wife for thirty-four years) We are aware that “not adventurous” can mean many things, from saying no to an open marriage to saying no to a new position, from refusing to go to a swinger’s club to refusing to leave the lights on, and from experimenting with S&M to experimenting with sexy lingerie.

The majority of male respondents, however, did not seem to be looking for anything out of the mainstream, just a little positive reinforcement.

When we have sex, she lies on her back motionless. She has been like this in the almost nineteen years I have known her.

Communication with her is difficult with mundane things like

“what do you want for dinner,” so a sexual discussion would seem completely out of the question. A few years ago I asked her to do something different, and I seem to remember that her response was simply “I don’t do that.” (Male, 40s) This man is angry about more than sexual disinterest; he feels personally rejected by his wife. Although she may, on rare occasions, 86

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

“allow” him to have sex with her, she is still punishing him by refusing to react, or by doing anything to contribute to his pleasure. She is also making it quite clear that she really wants nothing to do with intimacy—it is just her ultimate sacrifice.

Although it’s possible that his partner lacks a sense of adventure in the bedroom, he was probably aware of this when he married her.

However, the relationship evolved over the years into one filled with bitterness and hate. Small grievances, left unchecked, grew large. In a follow-up interview, he describes a woman who is either screaming, or giving him the silent treatment. His response is to avoid any and all conflict, and see himself as the good, sane guy and his wife as the selfish, crazy lady. Clearly, she is filled with anger, although he doesn’t try to explain why, and perhaps he has never asked her.

He does mention that the decline in their sex life occurred in 1992—

she refused to have sex with him for two years after their first child was conceived. It seems evident that she resents her career choice of housewife and mother: “If I tell her something good happened at work, she responds with something like: ‘That’s nice. I don’t get to have a career because I’m too busy cleaning the house and taking care of the kids.’ ” Jealousy of his life outside the home seems to consume her, and feeling unappreciated, she has become a dissatisfied, stay-at-home martyr.

I’m game for almost anything, but her idea of adventurous sex is leaving the light on. (Male, 30s)

Unless religious or moral reasons preclude sex prior to marriage, most people are aware of their partner’s level of experimentation long before they marry. In a follow-up interview, the man in the preceding quote wrote that everything was great in the first few years: “We would often tell each other ‘I want your body’ and sent coded pager messages that translated to the same.” Then she wanted to have a predictable, boring, unadventurous sex

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baby but had trouble conceiving. Suddenly, like countless other women in the same situation, she was only interested in sex when she thought she was ovulating. She had several miscarriages. Finally she carried to term, and then the sex became sporadic, although they had two more children.

We asked him if he ever asked her why she lost interest in sex after the birth of their first child. He replied that she suffers from mi-graines, backache, bad knees, and scars from the childbirth. Less than sympathetic, he says, “She just turned 40 and the girl is a wreck.” But clearly he is hurt and angry when he adds he would feel much better about being turned down if she ever said, “Gee, I don’t feel good, but boy, if I did . . .”

However, he then says that she has regained interest in the past few months, but he is reluctant due to a fear of having more children!

This couple is on a merry-go-round of rejection, and calling his wife unadventurous covers up far more serious issues.

My wife was raised in a strict religious home and cannot release her inhibitions. She refuses anything but the straight, man-on-top position. She considers it beneath her and sinful to be sensuous. (Male, 76, married to his 70-year-old wife for forty years)

The preceding is less a question of sexual adventure than sexual boredom, and after forty years of the same thing, it just doesn’t seem worth the effort to the husband anymore. His wife’s religious beliefs are too deeply ingrained for her to ever change.

The next quotation is from a man who says he is angry, depressed, and has difficulty reaching orgasm. He is 40, his wife is 41.

Sex is boring, monotonous, and predictable when it happens.

It’s so much easier to just masturbate and be done with it.

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HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

Since he suffers from inhibited ejaculation, he probably climaxes with less difficulty during solitary sex. When he says that masturbation is preferable, he means it. Sex has become tedious; he’s looking to climax and get it over with.

WHAT DOES “SEXUALLY ADVENTUROUS”

MEAN, ANYWAY?

Here’s what a 53-year-old man, who has had infrequent sex with his 52-year-old wife for the past five years of their twenty-eight-year marriage, had to say when, in a follow-up interview, we asked what he meant when he “strongly agreed” that his wife lacked sexual adventure.

After thirty otherwise blissful years together, she is generally obstinately against any variations in sexual positions, tech-niques, or locations.

What would he like her to do differently?

Being a man and visually stimulated, I have asked that she dress up provocatively for me; for example, she could wear the nylons and garter belt I bought her. Leave the lights on, look me in the eye, be open to suggestion, initiate sex, and enjoy each other’s body in every way until God takes it away.

What is her reaction to these suggestions?

She says I have her in every other way, but feels intimidated because she is uncomfortable with her body.

Is this a man married to a Victorian woman who thinks being a good girl and a sexy one is mutually exclusive? Have their years really always predictable, boring, unadventurous sex

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been “blissful”? Although he doesn’t say he’s angry, he mentions that after his business failed following 9/11, he didn’t earn any income for two years. During this period, “My wife punished me by withholding intimacy. She wouldn’t even kiss me, which is my barometer.” He also says that his perimenopausal wife suffers from vaginal dryness, multiple yeast infections, and depression. It is certainly possible that he is angry at his wife for withholding sex during his difficult two-year period of unemployment, stopped having sex with her in retaliation, and that her physical problems have substantially lowered her libido to a point where she is grateful for this. “Not sexually adventurous” could be a convenient cover-up for them both. As we said, it can mean a lot of different things, some of them having nothing at all to do with adventure or sex.

For example, the following 35-year-old man explains it this way: When we make love she is just receiving. I am doing all the touching and massaging. She doesn’t respond back and arouse me in the same way. She also needs a vibrator to get and stay aroused, which interferes with our lovemaking positions and can affect my concentration.

He is responding negatively to his 35-year-old wife’s sex toys. He may even be threatened by them. They have been married for four years and have sex less than once a month. She is “adventurous”

enough to use a vibrator and masturbate openly during coitus, but shows no enthusiasm for him. He also mentions that she has gained weight and is working overtime to help pay their bills. She may be feeling less attractive because of the extra pounds or she may just be tired. Nevertheless, he wants a cheerleader, but is barely getting his season ticket punched, and she wants someone sensitive to her needs, someone who can get and keep her as interested as her vibrator. His

“touching and massaging” isn’t doing it for her; she may, in fact, think him lacking in sexual talent. They both may be angry and boring in bed. Unfortunately, they aren’t talking about it.

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When we asked sex therapist Janice Epp what she thought men meant by “not sexually adventurous” she told us: “Sometimes a partner will make the accusation as a bludgeon to hurt the other for perceived past hurts. And sometimes it’s true.” If true, why would a man choose such a partner? Epp believes that some men have a sense of superiority if they feel that their wife is sexually unadventurous; it gives them a certain advantage. Conversely, they would be threatened if she were experimental.

In other words, he can be that dominant, “experienced” guy of the first half of the twentieth century, living in a world where satisfying his wife isn’t all that important, while she keeps her vibrator hidden away from him in the bottom of her drawer, where it belongs.

Is “Not Sexually Adventurous” Code for

“No Oral Sex”?

There was a scene on an episode of HBO’s
Lucky Louie
when Louie and his wife, Kim, who are having marital problems, are advised by a member of the clergy to really talk to each other, to privately share all the anger and resentments that have been bottled up during their five-year marriage. Now it’s Louie’s turn: “Sometimes, when we’re having intercourse, I fantasize that you’re blowing me,” he confesses, adding, after a few beats, “actually, all the time.” It brings down the house.

One of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction
is receiving oral sex.

According to a recent Elle Magazine/MSNBC poll of approximately 39,000 men, one of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex. However, 45 percent of the approximately 39,000

women surveyed said that they don’t like performing fellatio. A man predictable, boring, unadventurous sex

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wanting oral sex but not getting it at home is an ancient problem—red lipstick originated as a way for prostitutes to advertise their willing-ness to fellate their customers. There seems to be a real dichotomy here. Psychiatrist, sex therapist, and author Avodah K. Offit wrote,

“When one considers that a partner can administer to the entire male region—testicle, anus, and buttocks as well as the penis—with hands and mouth, the wonder seems to be that men like intercourse at all.”