He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (29 page)

Read He's Just Not Up for It Anymore Online

Authors: Bob Berkowitz; Susan Yager-Berkowitz

Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Abstinence, #Sex, #General, #Sexual Instruction, #Sexuality, #Sexual Disorders, #Men, #Human Sexuality, #Psychology, #Interpersonal Relations, #Sexual Behavior, #&NEW, #Sexual Excitement, #Men - Sexual behavior, #Family & Relationships, #Health & Fitness, #Married people, #couples, #Intimacy (Psychology), #Family relationships

and medication, 132

multiple partners, 61, 99–100

size of, 36

performance anxiety, 137

NDRIs (norepinephrine dopamine

platonic relationships, 63, 181, 182

reuptake inhibitors), 122

politeness, 109

negativity, 118, 130

polyamorous marriage, 61, 99–100

neurotransmitters, 120–24

polygamy, 61

Niebuhr, Reinhold, 202

pornography:

Night and Day
(film), 178

addiction to, 41, 113, 149–50, 153–56

norepinephrine, 120, 122, 124

avoiding intimacy via, 157–59

as emotional buffer, 159–60

obesity, 23, 128

online, 15, 25–26, 40–42, 146–60

causes of, 164–69

as supplemental sex, 151–52

and impotence, 164

variety in, 150–53

numbers of cases, 162

women trying to compete with,

and rejection, 165, 166

147–50

index

243

Porter, Cole, 124, 178

romantic love, 17–18, 124

position, 96–97

Rosen, Raymond, 154

possessiveness, 108

predictability, 17

Schnarch, David, 4–5, 18–19, 184

pregnancy, 74–80

Search, Ken, 149, 154

and fatherhood, 74–75

self-confidence, 132–33, 140

unwanted, 72

self-righteousness, 114, 199

premature ejaculation (PE), 140–42

separateness, 19

Pridal, Cathryn G., 5

serotonin, 120, 121, 124, 165

Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy

sex:

(Leiblum and Rosen), 154

as afterthought, 180

procreation, 11, 61

as bond, 212

prostitutes, 82, 83, 91, 147–48

broadening definition of, 213

as commodity, 113

rage,
see
anger

dislike of, 81, 180–83

rape, 83, 155–56

emotions expressed via, 6

rapid ejaculation, 140–42

expectation of, 12

red lipstick, 91

fantasy of, 16

Reinisch, June, 111, 150–51, 168–69,

and fidelity, 205–6

170, 173

frequency of, 11–12, 13, 184, 187–88,

rejection:

203

and boredom, 17

illicit, 54

and criticism, 2

initiating, 94–96

of men, 165

and intimacy, 181

and obesity, 165, 166

as a job, 54, 71

as self-fulfilling prophecy, 87, 95, 166

oral, 84, 90–92, 98, 153, 213

and self-worth, 22

positions in, 96–97

relationships:

procreation as goal of, 11, 61

conflict-free, 103

as recreational, 113

perfect, 191

as sacrifice, 86

platonic, 63, 181, 182

solitary, 40

stable marriages, 18, 19–20, 60

supplemental, 151–52

“swinging,” 99–100

“third,” 166

religious beliefs, 87

virtual, 25–26

Renik, Owen, 209

as weapon, 117

resentment, unexpressed, 109

withholding, as punishment, 104,

responsibility:

113–16

overwhelming, 28

Sex and the City
(TV), 184

shifting blame and, 15, 29, 30, 35,

sexless marriages:

58–59, 95, 107, 172

after the first year, 68–72

retarded ejaculation, 143

before the wedding, 57–64

revascularization, 134

as defense mechanism, 18

Robinson, William, 83–84

defined, 13

244

index

sexless marriages (
continued
)

behavioral, 142

early on, 49–50, 53–57, 64–68

choosing, 2, 196–97, 208

effects of, 13

helpfulness of, 208–9

emotional distance maintained in,

honesty in, 207

integrative approach to, 208

men’s decisions in, 4–8

Principles and Practice,
154

numbers of, 4–5, 12–13

refusal of, 112

reasons for, 3, 7, 13–15, 16, 72–73

Tiefer, Lenore, 126

sex toys, 89, 98

tiredness, 28–29

sexuality:

trauma:

bell curve of, 190–91

consequences of, 155

complexity of, 5–6

and depression, 120

conventional wisdom on, 183

of rape, 83, 155–56

gender differences in, 183

and identity, 22, 37, 45

unemployment, 89

levels of, 182, 184, 185

suppression of, 81–82

vaginal dryness, 89

shame, 128–29

validation, 22, 31

Silk Stockings
(Porter), 124

variety, 150–53

Slowinski, Julian, 152, 154, 157, 162, 173

vasopressin, 18, 124

SSNRIs (selective serotonin

Viagra, 126, 129, 131–34

norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors), vibrators, 83, 89, 128

122

vulnerability, 18, 20

SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake

inhibitors), 24, 121–23, 144

Weeks, Gerald, 103, 109, 153, 168, 177

status symbols, 46, 56

weight, 161–74

stepfatherhood, 76–77

battle for control over, 171–72

Stopes, Marie, 82–83

and body mass index, 163

street drugs, 58

and comfort food, 165, 166–67

stress, and depression, 24, 120

gain

Stuart, Richard B., 167–68, 169

by men, 164

survey, 217–23

by women, 27–28, 47, 70, 167–69

demographics of, 218–19

numbing the pain through,

men’s responses in, 14, 97–100

167–68

methodology used for, 7–8, 217

self-fulfilling prophecy in, 166

questions for men, 219–21

healthy, 163

questions for women, 221–23

ideal, 163–64

validity of, 14–15

loss of, 169–70, 173–74

women’s responses in, 34, 97–100

as sensitive issue, 164

swinging, 99–100

see also
obesity

Wilde, Oscar, 16, 199

testosterone, 188–90

Wolfe, Tom, 130

therapy, 206–9

Hooking Up,
149

index

245

women:

psychiatric help sought by, 196–97

affairs of, 203–4, 205

relief from sexual pressures, 50, 73, 98

on birth control pills, 69–70

saying no, 214–16

choices available to, 203–9

self-esteem of, 46, 47–48

fake orgasms of, 72

sex as repellent to, 81

and feminist movement, 83–85

sexual disinterest of, 183, 184

frigid, 130

sexual liberation of, 85

and husband’s ED, 69–72

sexually aggressive, 95–96

insecurities of, 136, 164

sexual suppression in, 81–82

in madonna/whore syndrome,

survey questions for, 221–23

54–55

survey responses of, 34, 97–100

in menopause, 135

vaginal dryness in, 89

as mother figures, 67

weight gain by, 27–28, 47, 70,

and motherhood, 77–80

167–69

nonorgasmic, 130

workaholics, 102, 138

opinions of, 33–37

prostitutes, 82, 83, 91, 147–48

Zilbergeld, Bernie, 13

About the Authors

Dr. BoB Berkowitz
is the author of the bestselling What Men Won’t Tell You but Women Need to

Know. A veteran reporter, he has been the men’s correspondent on NBC’s Today show and the host of Real Personal on CNBC. He has a Ph.D. in clinical sexology.

SuSan Yager-Berkowitz
is a longtime magazine writer, specializing in nutrition. Together Bob and Susan are the “Marriage Experts” on ThirdAge.com.

They live on the east end of Long Island and in New York City.

www.BobandSusanBerkowitz.com

Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author
.

Credits

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Document Outline

Title Page
Dedication Page
Contents
- Introduction
- Part One: The Sexiless Husband
  - Chapter One: Why Man Stop Having Sex
  - Chapter Two: Why Women Think Their Husbands Stop Having Sex
- Part Two: Inside the Sexless Man�s Mind
  - Chapter Three: Not Tonight, Dear, We're Married
  - Chapter Four: Pregnancy And The End of Passion
  - Chapter Five: Predictable, Boring, Unadventurous Sex
  - Chapter Six: Anger Mismanagement
  - Chapter Seven: Depression: The Ultimate Passion Killer
  - Chapter Eight: Erectile Dysfunction: The Silent
  - Chapter Nine: Caught in the Net
  - Chapter Ten: No Sex Please, We�re Eating
  - Chapter Eleven: Maybe He�s Gay? Asexual?
- Part Three: what couples are doing about it
  - Chapter Twelve: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
  - Chapter Thirteen: What Woman Are Doing About It
  - Chapter Fourteen: And In the End�
- Appendix
- Notes
- Ackowledgments
- Index
- About the Author
- Credits
- Copyright Notice
- About the Publisher