He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (24 page)

When I am slimmer, he doesn’t seem any more interested in sex, but I am.

A 47-year-old woman whose husband stopped being intimate with her because he suffered from impotence said this about her new lover: The person I’m having an affair with also has ED, and we have found all sorts of ways to pleasure each other sexually.

This woman, 52, has been married to her 54-year-old husband for thirty years. He stopped being sexual with her eight years ago and suffers from ED. She told us about her lover: I got more out of this affair than I ever expected both physically and emotionally. One really important thing for me was that it pushed me to reexamine my marriage and made me realize that it is over.

A 43-year-old woman remarked:

I needed the affairs to let me know what I was capable of. At the time, I wasn’t feeling very feminine or very womanly. I think if I didn’t have the affairs, I would have continued to feel that way about myself. The affairs also helped me to have the confidence to get divorced.

Can a person who is one-half of an equal partnership make a unilateral decision to be celibate and expect fidelity? Does the partner what women are doing about it

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who is being refused sexual (and perhaps emotional) contact have the right to secretly seek it elsewhere?

Numerous tragedies and sad songs have been written about women crossing over to the cheatin’ side of town. Like many of the female respondents to this survey, their reasons for going there are as likely to be unfulfilled emotional needs as physical ones. Feeling
anything
resembling affection might be intoxicating, after long periods of being turned down by the man who is supposed to love you. The hormones that accompany a new sexual relationship can give a renewed sense of self-worth, and a visit back to a time of feeling desirable and adored.

Not to mention terrific sex.

Some of the women said that their affair was a catalyst for divorce.

That is understandable; the fears of leaving a marriage and facing life alone may disappear when there are other options. Even if they don’t expect to begin a new life with their lover, a happy relationship sometime in the future seems suddenly possible.

Few things in life are more painful than betrayal by a loved one, as these men will probably discover. Some of the infidelity reported in our survey might have been avoided if the couples were open and honest about their problems from the start. Talking about difficult things, such as impotence or lack of intimacy is uncomfortable and unpleasant—not a conversation anyone wants to have. It is, however, infinitely superior to talking about infidelity.

DO WOMEN WHO REMAIN FAITHFUL

CARE ABOUT SEX?

Oh boy, do they. Our respondents were a lusty group. Fifty-six percent self-identified as intensely or very sexual; another 27 percent said they thought they were average. Less than 4 percent felt they just weren’t sexual at all. A 32-year-old woman who believes her marriage wonderful in every other way, said:

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HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

Excuse me? Are my husband and I freaks of nature? I have so much sexuality to give someone, and the man I love doesn’t want it.

The majority, of course, said that they pleasure themselves—74

percent the old-fashioned way (that would be without a computer), and another 10 percent online. Less than 4 percent, however, said they visited online chat rooms for stimulation.

SOME TRIED THERAPY, TOGETHER OR ALONE

He said he would rather lose me and our daughter than go into counseling. (Female, 35)

Forty-four percent of the respondents said that they tried, unsuccessfully, to get their husbands into therapy. “He’s just not a therapy kind of guy,” said one woman, echoing many. Thirty percent of the women said they went into therapy alone.

Sadly, often couples begin therapy at the end of the road,
when it is just too late.

Clinical psychologist Joseph LoPiccolo believes that “Most men are not comfortable with going to psychotherapy for any life problem, and this is especially true when the problem is a sexual one. I have stated this as ‘Men who have a low drive for sex have an even lower drive for sex therapy’!”

Only 28 percent of respondents were successful in getting their spouse into counseling, and many claimed it was ineffective. (Please realize that if it
was
effective, they probably would no longer have a sexless marriage and wouldn’t be answering our survey.) what women are doing about it

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Sadly, often couples begin therapy at the end of the road, when it is just too late. Sometimes neither person really wants to improve the situation; they just want their personal complaints validated, and when that doesn’t happen, one or both turn away.

We went but it was a joke. The female therapist was thoroughly charmed by him. When we got home, he said nothing was going to change. The therapist decided he was perfect and decided to blame the whole thing on my job. Never mind that he has a job that keeps him on the road at least half the time, too. (Female, 35)

It is more likely that the therapist didn’t agree with everything the female patient said than decide that her husband was “charming” and

“perfect.” However, that’s what the woman heard, and maybe her partner did, too, and it became a convenient excuse for them to stop therapy before it began.

CAN THERAPY HELP?

There are times when trying to work things out together, no matter how respectfully or honestly, doesn’t work. And there are times when self-analysis doesn’t give compelling solutions, either. If this is the case, there is no shame in needing someone else to talk to.

We suggest that the low-libido partner begin by visiting his primary care physician. He should bring a list of any medications he is taking. Any illness that might be causing an inability to get an erection, or inhibit orgasm, should be discussed. Lifestyle choices, such as excessive drinking, recreational drug use, smoking, and diet should be revealed as well.
Remember, it is necessary to be brutally honest
about the sexual problems.
If the primary care physician suspects uro-genital issues, he will probably refer the patient to a urologist.

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Now, let’s talk about therapy. As we have stated throughout this book, loss of libido is rarely a stand-alone problem, and therefore it is often best solved with an integrative approach. For example, a man may have success with a PDE5 inhibitor, but his wife may feel resentment for all the years he refused to get help. Is she now, perhaps, too old to easily become pregnant, and furious because she always wanted children? Suppressed thoughts on either side can crush desire. So can overt anger. Counseling may be helpful, by allowing a trained neutral third party to mediate expressed feelings and to reveal unspoken ones. Therapy can also help couples deal with the difficult issues of abuse, guilt, shame, and negative body image.

We caution you, however, to choose your therapist with care. (You can get referrals from your family physician, urologist, or from the APA website.)When you have some names, do your homework. You can’t ask for references, but you can certainly ask for credentials. Be certain that the therapist’s degrees are from well-established accred-ited universities. It is simple to further check credentials online. This is not to suggest that a therapist is necessarily better because he or she went to one school instead of another. But when you don’t know a person’s ability, and that person has the job of helping you save your marriage, credentials provide a shortcut to making a wise choice. It is extremely important to remember this:
if you are going for couple’s
therapy, make sure that the counselor has specific training in that area;
it is probably the most difficult therapy to administer well.
That’s because it becomes a very crowded room—the couple, of course, along with the attitudes they learned from their respective families. Before you commit to an appointment, speak to the therapist briefly by phone to describe your issue. If possible, see more than one before you make a final decision. If this is couple’s therapy, make sure you both feel comfortable and agree with the choice.

Many marriages have been helped by couple’s therapy. It can be very beneficial, but it has to be with a good therapist, embraced by all concerned, and committed to for a reasonable period of time.

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How long should therapy last? Psychoanalyst Owen Renik says you should feel relief from some of your problems not long after beginning treatment. As he told the
New York Times,
“This idea that you have to wait around for a long time for the fruit to drop from the tree is nonsense. If you don’t see progress soon, you should move on.

If you don’t see progress with the
next
person, fine; you may conclude that the process may take a little longer than expected.” We concur.

Marriage is supposed to last until death do you part; therapy isn’t.

IN SPITE OF IT ALL, MOST STAYED TOGETHER

Of the aggregate women, 24 percent were having an affair
after
their husbands stopped being sexual and another 39 percent were thinking about it; of the men, 27 percent were having an affair
after
they stopped being sexual with their wives and 42 percent were considering it. Thinking isn’t doing. Men and women in highly sexual marriages might also “think about” having an affair. Many people mentally try on other partners, only to reject the fantasy in favor of the marriage. But still, 63 percent of the women and 69 percent of the men were either having sex with someone other than their spouses, or seriously thinking about it. And they were staying together.

I think there are a lot of women out there in the same situation and they stay because that’s all they know after being with someone after so many years. (Female, 43)

Those who chose to stay did so for religious or spiritual beliefs, the children, out of fear of being alone or never finding someone better, economic pressure, or inertia. Many, however, did so out of love.

They wanted an erotic life and they missed being sexual, but they seemed to feel, deep in their souls, that if they had to take their husband as best friend instead of lover, that was all right.

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AND IN THE END . . .

Were Lennon and McCartney right that the love you take is equal to the love you make? What if you are the only one who wants to take or make love?

There are no easy answers, and much of our impatience with self-help books is that they try to provide them. The problem with the self-help formulas is they have to work for more than just the self. You may be willing to reignite your sex life, but if your partner isn’t, is it really all that helpful?

Over the years we have interviewed hundreds of sex therapists and marriage counselors and have heard all of the tried and not-so-true formulas for keeping sex hot in a long-term relationship. We wish we had a dollar for every time someone has suggested making love in a different room.

WE COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER

We are grateful to all the experts who have given us the benefit of their wisdom. But often, the best advice comes from those who are in the midst of this vexing and often painful situation.

and in the end . . .

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What this next woman says certainly sums up best what we believe: you’ve got to talk to each other and, just as important, really listen. After all, there are just so many sexual positions, sexy lingerie, and bubble baths one can do, wear, or take. Ultimately, you have to face each other and break down the barriers between you and real intimacy.

I think that couples need to be able to talk about issues in marriage and sex in order to maintain emotional and physical intimacy. Some people come from families that never talked things over. This creates an almost insurmountable barrier and eventual boredom. Without new ideas, all you have left is rep-etition of roles previously played out. (Female, 51) And we liked what the woman in the next quote said about agreeing to have what she and her husband call “our time.” Setting aside some time every week to talk, or to connect physically with or without a sexual encounter, is a wonderful way to keep a relationship fresh.

Last month I finally got up the courage to discuss my feelings with him. He agreed to set aside time every week just for “our time.” No TV or other distractions. It’s time for us to talk or for sex. We’re both working on losing weight. I’m working harder to please him in bed, hoping to get him more excited when anticipating “our time.” I’m also trying to add some spice to

“our time.” (Female, 43)

Some people responded to our survey by telling us that they had a great sex life and marriage and wanted to tell us how they did it. The following man and his wife are both 66 and have been married for forty-nine years. Although perhaps not as frequent as it once was, sex is still an important part of their lives.

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I think that sex has always been a strong bond in our marriage, so since we both enjoyed it so much we have just always taken the time to keep it interesting, exciting, and we have rein-vented our sex life many times over. We still keep a romantic atmosphere in our bedroom, which is protected by both of us; we have a date night that we started when our children were at home, and we still practice even more now, and we work from a philosophy we discovered twenty years ago . . . smooch daily, date weekly, escape monthly, and vacation quarterly, and this has taken us on some really nice trips and exciting times together. We are always planning for the next escape or vacation, which we talk about often and that helps build the excitement.

We think this is a wonderful prescription, because they are working hard to stay connected on a variety of levels. The “romantic atmosphere” in their bedroom indicates that they are both committed to keeping intimacy alive; and the way they have instinctively evolved and changed their sex life over time has helped keep things exciting.