Authors: Jae
"It's all right. You don't need to impress me by being
perfectly prepared. Just spending time together is enough."
The worried expression on Amy's face faded. She plopped onto
the blanket and immediately took off the hated sunbonnet, then unlaced her
Sunday boots. "Come on." She tugged Rika down next to her.
"Let's get comfortable."
Rika took off her boots. When Amy rolled down her socks,
Rika caught a glimpse of Amy's bare calves. How soft and pale her skin looked.
Wetting her dry lips with her tongue, Rika imagined touching that smooth skin.
Amy nudged Rika's foot with her big toe, then let their feet
linger against each other. "Hungry?"
"Starved." Reluctantly, Rika forced her gaze away
from Amy's legs.
Heavenly smells wafted up when Amy opened the basket. They
sampled pieces of ham, cheese, roasted chicken, and fresh bread with apple
butter.
"Mmm." Amy moaned. "Either it's the fresh air
or Frankie is a really good cook."
Rika hummed her agreement. "Did they pack anything for
dessert? We bought fresh fruit for the hotel, and I think there were leftovers
of that too."
"Yeah, I think..." Amy lifted the cloth from the
basket. "Oh."
"What?" Rika leaned forward and put a hand on
Amy's shoulder to peek into the basket.
Next to the last piece of bread, a box of ripe strawberries
waited to be eaten.
An image of Frankie hand-feeding berries to Tess flashed
through Rika's mind. All of the sudden, she became overly aware of her hand
resting on Amy's shoulder. Heat ricocheted between them.
Amy pulled back her hand from the basket as if the
strawberries were poisonous.
Rika couldn't stand the expression of guilt and shame any
longer. "You know, these are just strawberries, not forbidden fruit from
the Garden of Eden."
"W-what?" Wide green eyes stared at her.
"Did you notice that Frankie and Tess never duck their
heads in shame when the pastor talks about sin?" Rika asked.
"Somehow, they came to believe that their love is not a sin. They are
proud of each other and their love, even if they can't show it openly. One day,
I want us to have that too."
"I want that too," Amy answered, her voice barely
more than a whisper. "I'm trying, really. It's just hard to get used to
the thought that it's all right to feel like this. And when I see how easy it
seems to be for you, I feel guilty about feeling guilty." Her lips formed
a trembling grin that didn't reach her eyes.
Rika settled cross-legged on the blanket. "Easy?"
She shook her head. "It's not easy for me either, but I've seen sin and
crime and cruelty in my life, and I know that this," she touched her
chest, then Amy's, "is not it. I watched one of my half brothers being
stillborn because my father was too drunk to fetch the midwife. I've seen
greedy overseers beat mill girls half to death and children starve because no
one cared."
Amy reached over and gripped Rika's hand with both of hers.
The gentle touch of Amy's thumb against her palm sent
tingles up Rika's arm, distracting her from her thoughts of the past for a
moment. "My whole life has been a struggle to survive, and I never thought
it could be different, that there could be more to life," Rika said.
"Now that I know love exists, I have a hard time thinking it's a bad thing
— no matter what kind of love. Compared to all the cruelty I've seen, how can
love be a sin?"
"Mama and Papa say the same thing, but I let myself
believe for so long that I need to hide that part of myself."
Now it was Rika's turn to squeeze Amy's hands. "It's
all right. Maybe it's easier for me because I never really thought about two
women together before. I didn't let the thought that it's wrong fester in my
head and in my heart like you did."
"Then where do we go from here?"
"Hm." Rika peered at the basket, then grinned up
at Amy through half-lowered lids. "We could start by having dessert."
She lifted one of the dark red berries from the basket and held it out to Amy.
Amy's gaze darted back and forth between the strawberry and
Rika. Then she leaned forward and ate the strawberry out of Rika's hand,
careful not to touch her fingers with her lips in the process.
Rika licked remnants of berry juice from her fingers.
Chewing, Amy watched her. Her eyes darkened with a hunger
that had nothing to do with food. She cleared her throat and reached into the
basket. "Here. You try one."
Rika moved closer and ate the strawberry out of Amy's hand.
The sweet, ripe taste burst on her tongue. Before she stopped chewing, she
picked up the next berry.
They fed each other berry after berry. With each one, lips
became more daring and fingers lingered longer.
"This is the last one," Amy finally said.
"Share with me?"
When Amy nodded, Rika took the strawberry from Amy's hand
with careful teeth. She straightened and waited with the strawberry clamped
between her lips.
Amy slid closer. Her knees pressed against Rika's. Heat shot
through Rika as Amy's hand came to rest against her hip. Amy leaned forward and
bit off a piece of the strawberry.
Their lips brushed.
Then all thoughts of strawberries vanished as they kissed,
again and again.
Shuddering, Amy pulled away and rolled onto her back.
Rika settled down next to her. She slid her hand into Amy's
and closed her eyes with a contented sigh. Her thoughts drifted.
"Before you met me, did you ever think you might have
feelings for women?" Amy's low voice interrupted her daydreams.
Rika turned her head and opened one eye. "Before I met
you, I never had feelings for anyone. Not that kind of feelings. How did you
know?" While Rika hadn't grown up around love of any kind, Amy had seemed
aware two women could love each other, even before meeting Tess and Frankie.
"A few years ago, I used to spend a lot of time with
Hannah. One afternoon, we went riding. When our horses got tired, we rested on
a meadow, just like we're doing now."
A strange feeling bristled along Rika's skin and made her hold
on tighter to Amy's hand. She rubbed her finger over Amy's calluses. Had Amy
held Hannah's hand too? Had they lain together, resting against each other like
this?
Her throat tightened. Blood rushed through her ears, and she
heard Amy's voice as if from under water.
"Rika?"
A squeeze to her hand made Rika blink. She shook her head to
clear it.
"Hey." Amy caressed her wrist and leaned over her,
staring down at her with a concerned look in her eyes. "You all
right?"
Rika licked her lips and opened her mouth. "I don't
like the thought of you with Hannah."
Amy's fingers froze against Rika's wrist.
"Oh." Rika pressed her fingers to her traitorous
lips.
Tilting her head, Amy stared down at her. Then, slowly, a
grin formed on her lips. She pulled Rika's hand away from her mouth and pressed
a kiss to her palm. "You've got nothing to worry about, you know?"
"You don't have feelings for Hannah anymore?"
"No." A kiss to the inside of her wrist made
Rika's arm tingle up to her shoulder. "I've never felt for Hannah or
anyone else the way I feel for you," Amy whispered against her skin.
The roaring in Rika's ears finally receded. She relaxed back
onto the blanket.
After a while, with their shoulders resting against each
other, Amy continued. "When we were out riding together, Hannah used to go
on and on about Josh and how she felt about him, how her heartbeat picked up
when she heard his step, how her hands got damp and her stomach fluttered when
he was close." Amy swallowed. She glanced at Rika, then away. "And it
dawned on me that she could have been describing my feelings for her."
Rika tightened her hold on Amy's hand.
Don't be childish.
That was years ago, and Hannah is happily married now.
She forced herself
to focus on Amy. "You understood what you were feeling even back
then?"
"Not at first. I told myself it was what every girl
felt for her best friend."
"What changed?"
"A few years ago, two widows in town were living
together," Amy said, gazing into the sky as if it showed her the past.
"Some of the boys and girls made fun of them, calling them strange for
preferring to keep company with each other rather than accept a new husband.
But I never paid much attention. To me, it felt perfectly..." She
hesitated but then said, "...natural for them to want to spend time with
each other, not with a man."
"Just like you wanted to spend time with Hannah."
Rika pressed a hand to her stomach until Amy reached over and took that hand
too. "Those two widows... were they just friends?"
Amy's grip on Rika's hands tightened. "No. One day,
someone found them in bed together, having... you know. Sharing the bed like a
man and a woman would."
Rika stared at their entwined hands, then up into Amy's
eyes. "That's when you knew what your feelings meant?"
Biting her lip, Amy nodded. "I knew I was the same, but
I didn't want to be. Not when it could cost me everything. People drove them
out of town." Amy shivered. "No one did anything to defend them. No
one, not even my parents. So I knew I needed to bury my feelings deep inside and
never act on them."
Rika rubbed her hands along Amy's arms until the goose bumps
disappeared. "Did you ask your parents why they didn't help?"
"Oh, no." Amy shook her head energetically, eyes
wide. "At least not back then. I never talked to anyone about it. I was afraid
someone would think I was too interested in such relationships."
"Hm." Rika trailed her fingertips over the
calluses on Amy's palm, then the ones on her fingers, as if they were a map
leading her to all the answers. "Maybe your parents avoided bringing it up
or defending the widows for the same reason."
"That's what Mama said too. Mama and Papa only learned
about what townsfolk did to the widows days after it had happened. But back
then, I thought they agreed with what the people in town said." Amy lowered
her gaze. "I thought if they ever found out, it would change how they feel
about me."
"Amy." A squeeze to her hands got Amy to look up
and meet Rika's gaze. "Nothing could change your parents' love for
you." She swallowed down a complicated mix of sadness, envy, and
happiness.
Amy pulled one of her hands out of Rika's grasp and ran her
fingers through her hair. She rolled around and stared down at Rika from just
inches away. "I know they love me. But how could it not change how they
feel about me when it changed how I feel about myself?"
Do I feel different about myself too?
Rika closed her
eyes and listened, trying to reach deep inside, but all she felt was Amy's
warm, almost desperate grip on her hand, the way their fingers fit against each
other. She opened her eyes and smiled. "Maybe it changed how they feel
about you. But change isn't always bad, is it?"
Amy's grip on her hand loosened, and she returned Rika's
smile. "You're right. It's not." She sank back onto the blanket and
exhaled.
Rika cuddled closer until she felt Amy's warmth. Her eyes
drifted shut.
A light breeze brushed over her bare feet, and she wiggled
her toes, enjoying the feeling. The wind carried the scent of wildflowers and
moss. The sun shone down on them, and Amy's hand holding hers warmed up Rika's
skin even more. Birdsong and the river's soft gurgling almost lulled her to
sleep.
She forced open heavy lids. When she turned her head to look
at Amy, Amy met her gaze and smiled.
A feeling Rika had never known filled her.
This is peace.
She breathed in the scent of wildflowers and Amy.
Or maybe,
she
thought,
maybe it's love.
* * *
Two weeks later, Amy wandered across the meadow, gaze on the
ground. She trailed her hand through the grass, parting it, and plucked a
yellow buttercup. After discarding two that weren't pretty enough, she added a
pink wildflower.
A few feet away, Ruby and Cinnamon lifted their heads and
eyed Amy's bunch of flowers.
"Oh, no. You two go on eating your grass. These are for
Rika." She lifted the flowers to her nose and inhaled their sweet scent.
Her eyes fluttered shut as she imagined Rika's delighted, gap-toothed grin when
she gave her the flowers.
A horse snorted behind her.
Amy whirled around.
Papa slid out of the saddle and wiped her forehead with her
bandanna.
Weeks ago, Amy had tried starting to think of her as
"Luke," but it wasn't working. Nothing had really changed. Papa still
worked hard at the ranch, still loved Mama, and still helped out the neighbors.
She behaved the same and looked the same as ever.
Man or woman, this was the only father Amy had ever known,
and her brain — or maybe her heart — refused to call Luke anything but
"Papa."
"Hello, Amy. I thought that was you. What are you doing
here?"
"Um... nothing." Amy hid the flowers behind her
back. "I'm on my way into town to take Rika riding."
"Amy." The lines around Papa's eyes deepened when
she smiled. "You don't have to hide this from me. Don't be embarrassed. I
think it's sweet."
Slowly, Amy brought her hand out from behind her back. She
fiddled with the stems and tugged on a tiny leaf. Not hiding her feelings for
Rika was still new.
"In fact," Papa said, "I'll pick some for
your mother." She dropped Dancer's reins, ground-tying the well-trained
gelding, and shoved back her hat.
Side by side, they wandered across the meadow and pointed
out clumps of especially beautiful flowers to each other.
"Is this strange for you?" Amy asked when they
stopped at the edge of the meadow to add some wild roses.
"What?" Papa asked. "Picking flowers?"
"Yes. No. I mean..." A flower fluttered to the
ground as Amy gestured, and she bent to pick it up, then turned to look at
Papa.