Barren. Desolate. Dead.
She really did bring the color into my
life, he thought. I can’t believe she’s gone.
Luke looked around the room. He noticed
a baseball bat lying on the floor. It was from his little league
days. He picked it up, admiring the shiny silver.
Luke stroked the bat, then put it
gently against his stomach. He hit his stomach with it again, this
time harder.
He felt nothing.
He tried it again.
Still again.
He struck himself with the bat
full-force. This time, the pain rammed right into his stomach, and
spread itself like a virus through the rest of his body. He
recoiled, but continued to pound himself.
At least now I can feel something, he
thought.
He continued to hit himself until he
felt the bitter metallic taste of blood in his mouth.
Alyssa’s death was all my fault, he
thought. All my fault.
He stopped when he thought he was going
to pass out.
Leaning back into the couch, he
struggled to breathe. He stared out the window. He realized that he
was high up. Ten floors up, to be exact. It was a long way down. He
strolled over to the balcony, and slid the door open. A cold draft
engulfed him right away.
He dropped the bat onto the carpet
inside and tiptoed over to the edge of the balcony. Why was he
tiptoeing, as though Alyssa were in the room anticipating what he
was going to do and trying to prevent it?
He looked down. The lights glittered in
the darkness. He could not tell how far it was to the ground, but
he knew he was high up enough to splatter all over the street
below.
It would just be a few seconds of pain.
Then he could join Alyssa.
Luke placed his hands on the ledge, and
prepared to hoist himself over.
Just one more movement and it would all
be over.
Just one more.
Then the pain would go away. And the
guilt. He would rest in bliss for eternity. With Alyssa. He could
be with Alyssa all the time.
The thought excited him and made him
begin hoisting himself over faster.
Then, he heard Alyssa’s voice in his
head, loud and clear.
Don’t.
Just one simple word.
Don’t.
He felt his legs plop down onto the
balcony, as though she were his master and he had no choice but to
obey. He backed away from the edge.
Now go sit on the couch.
Rest.
He did.
The day had worn him out. The crying
part. The seeing her body part. And especially the attempted
suicide part.
He closed his eyes, intending to rest
them only for a little while.
* * * * *
In his dreams, he was drifting high
above the clouds at sunset. A solitary puffy cloud meandered past
and Luke took a seat, his feet dangling over.
He stared at the regalian purple hues
as they patted the clouds. A refreshing breeze rubbed against him,
the way an adorable cat would rub its scent over all its owner’s
legs.
“
Beautiful, isn’t it?” a
familiar voice whispered in his ear.
He turned his head.
It was Alyssa.
She was in a beautiful white silk
evening gown that revealed her bare shoulders. Her hair was hung
loosely around her shoulder. Her face was fresh and calm, in direct
contrast with what it looked like in the morgue. The fading sun
cast its soft rays on her. The girl was a silhouette in a puppet
show. And most importantly, she did not look dead.
She reached for his hand, and Luke held
it gently.
She pointed to the clouds. “I hope you
can enjoy how beautiful all this is. I hope you can be in the
moment for once.”
He was focused entirely on her this
time.
“
Alyssa,” he whispered. “I
thought I’d never see you again. I should have done something. I
shoul have insisted you see the doctor.”
She shrugged. “Don’t blame yourself.
How could you have known? Blame the situation. Blame the slippery
pavement.” She picked at the cloud, tearing off a piece. She opened
her palm, and the piece hovered above it, like a puffy marshmallow.
Then, it drifted off into the sky and disappeared.
“
Are you really dead? I saw
your body.”
She nodded.
“
What was it
like?”
“
Painless.”
She then slapped him hard on the
shoulder. “Don’t you dare try to kill yourself. You’re still alive.
You have to live.” She looked annoyed with him.
“
Why? I’ve can’t concentrate
on my job. And you were the only other important thing in my life.
I have nothing to live for.”
“
You do. You just have to
find it. There are plenty of other things to live for.”
Although Luke had more questions, he
did not know when she would leave his dreams, so he wasted no time
in asking the more important questions.
“
I was waiting for you at
Taylor Park.” He felt the heat of her hand transfer into his body,
warming him up like a cup of hot chocolate.
“
I know.” She patted his
hand with her other hand. “I know.”
“
Were you going to come?” He
was afraid to know the answer.
She nodded. “Of course I was. Of course
I was.”
Luke smiled. At least she was going to
accept his proposal.
He held her hand tighter. “I wrote you
a poem. And I carved our initials into the bench at Taylor
Park.”
“
I know,” she said, smiling.
Luke had forgotten just how beautiful her smile was.
“
That’s very sweet of you,”
she added.
He strained to remember what the poem
read, but he could not.
“
I’m sorry for everything,”
he said. “For the miscarriage, the late nights, the
fights.”
“
Don’t say that.” She rested
her head on his shoulder. “I blame the situation. That’s how normal
people react under stress. Look at what we went through. One
miscarriage. So many fights. Burying ourselves in our work. I think
that any two people in that situation would have done exactly what
we did.”
“
But if we hadn’t had that
last fight, you wouldn’t have gone to your mother’s, and you
wouldn’t have slipped and cracked your head. And if I had asked you
to marry me that night, we probably wouldn’t have had that last
fight.”
“
No.” She shook her head
furiously, her hair spilling out all over. “Don’t think of it like
that. What if I had been hit by a bus? Anyone could die anytime in
any way. We can’t change the past. Don’t blame
yourself.”
Luke looked at her in awe. “Why do you
love me? I don’t deserve anyone’s love, least of all
yours.”
She gave him an irritated look, as
though he had asked a stupid question.
“
I saw a spark in you. That
day when we met, you stood up for me. I knew right then that you
were more than just your career, that you were capable of
love.”
Luke nodded. I do deserve her love, he
affirmed.
He looked around. Nothing but empty
space and wisps of floating cloud. “What is this? Where are
we?”
Luke looked down but saw nothing but
air. He couldn’t even see the ground.
“
It’s a safe place that I
could meet you.”
“
Safe place? How are you
able to meet me?”
“
Do you remember dreaming of
the cornfield?”
He nodded.
“
That was me in the centre.
And do you remember the whistling wind?”
He nodded.
“
That was the Wind. I’m
supposed to go Home. The Wind is supposed to take me Home, a place
where all spirits go. The cornfield was the entrance. I’ve been
running away from them. I’m not supposed to be seeing you here in
your dreams.”
“
I don’t want you to
go.”
He hugged her, and she moved in closer
to him.
“
I don’t want to leave
either,” she said. “Until I know you’re OK.”
“
Will you come see me every
night?”
She nodded. “I’ll try. Just don’t let
the Wind get me. If they do, they’ll take me away and I can never
see you again.”
In the distance, he heard a faint
buzzing sound.
“
What’s that?” Alyssa asked.
“I think you have to wake up soon.”
He gripped her even tighter. “I don’t
want to.”
“
Come on, you’re a big boy,”
she said, a hint of teasing in her voice.
He ignored her teasing. “How will I see
you again?”
“
I may not be able to come
every night.”
For a while, they just held each other.
To Luke, it was the same feeling he had when he and Alyssa went to
Qualicum Beach, the same serene feeling he felt when falling asleep
to the sound of the waves.
After a while, Alyssa mumbled, “Why’d
you take down my paintings? I painted them for you.”
“
Huh? Oh right. I don’t know
why.”
He knew though. It was his way of
grieving. Cut her out of his life so that she could not hurt him.
His method, obviously, had not worked.
“
Put them back
up.”
“
I will.” Now, he wished he
had not taken them down.
The buzzing noise grew louder and more
insistent.
Alyssa pried herself from his arms. “We
have to leave now.” She glanced around nervously. “That could be
the Wind.”
“
Wait! How could I see you
again?”
“
Just will yourself to dream
of me again.” He could barely hear her above the noise.
She turned around, then back to him.
“Oh, and the cherry blossom you’re looking for? It fell under the
bed.”
Then, as suddenly as she appeared,
Alyssa faded away.
Luke reached out for her, but his arms
did nothing. He felt himself drifting away from the cloud he was
sitting on, farther and farther until he, too, was fading
away.
* * * * *
He woke up with tears in his eyes. He
looked around. There were no clouds, just his own apartment and his
TV featuring a commercial with the bees buzzing loudly. He looked
at the clock. He had only been asleep for a few minutes. It felt a
lot longer.
He vaguely recalled what he had dreamed
about. Then, it came back to him, all at once. Alyssa. He
remembered dreaming of Alyssa. So it was just a dream. The
disappointment pierced him like a sharp knife.
It was the sweetest dream I had ever
had, he thought.
He recalled what she had
said.
Why’d you take down my
paintings? I painted them for you.
He went to the closet, took out her
paintings, and hung them back up on the living room walls. He
examined the cherry blossoms. They were white, red and
pink.
The images triggered something in his
mind. Alyssa mentioned cherry blossoms. There were something about
cherry blossoms.
Then, he remembered.
The cherry blossom you’re
looking for? It fell under the bed,
she had
said.
Luke got up and rushed to his bedroom.
He fell straight down to the floor and peeked under the bed.
Scattered there were a baseball, a box of Kleenex, and a black
hoodie.
And there, lying among the dust, just
beside the hoodie, was a white cherry blossom. Luke’s eyes grew
bigger as he reached in and retrieved it.
Alyssa was right, he thought. Alyssa
knew where the cherry blossom was. As he held the little flower in
his hands, he felt a chill go through his body.
* * * * *
Chapter 12
Later that day, Luke was called into
his boss’ office.
Stew heaved documents onto his giant
desk.
“
What is this?” Stew asked,
his pudgy face jiggling like poked jello. He sat behind his desk
with his arms crossed.
Luke stared at his boss’ red face, then
at the mess of papers. “What?”
“
Sabban Entertainment has
just filed an official complaint against you. You overlooked
something that made them lose millions of dollars. You blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.”
That was all Luke heard. He was not
thinking about work. He was thinking of Alyssa, and when he would
see her again.
Maybe tonight, he thought. Maybe I’ll
get to see her again tonight.
A part of him thought he was going
crazy, but another part thought it made sense. He had just lost his
almost-wife. Of course he would see her in his dreams. He knew from
university psychology courses that you see in your dreams whatever
you most yearn for.
But then, she had known where their
cherry blossom was. Under the bed. Exactly where she said it would
be.