Luke’s smile was wiped off his face,
wiped clean like chalk markings off a blackboard. “I’ll never be OK
without you.”
“
That’s just your way of
getting me to stay.” She had read him like an open book.
“
Is it working?” he said
with a small grin.
She did not grin back. “I don’t want to
move on until I know you’re OK.”
She tucked a strand of hair behind one
ear. “You were fired from your job. You need new purposes. That
will lift you out of your depression. You need a new career. Some
new hobbies. And a new love.”
At her last words, Luke shook his head
firmly. “Not a new love. You were my only love. I could never love
another girl again. I would never want to love another girl
again.”
“
Don’t be ridiculous,” she
said. “There’s love in you. And you need to give it to someone else
to release it. It‘ll make you feel better.”
He thought about what she had said. It
made sense, but he could never do it to Alyssa.
‘
What about you?” he said.
“If I meet another girl, I’d feel like I was cheating on
you.”
“
You can’t be cheating if I
gave you permission.” Now, she was grinning.
“
This isn’t funny,” he
snapped. His tone of voice was sharper than he had intended.
Quickly, he glanced at his girl to make sure he had not hurt her
feelings.
Her face remained the same. Maybe she
understood his frustration.
Luke took a break from the
conversation. He looked down and saw endless air. He grabbed onto
the fluffy cloud and felt the material tickle his hand. It felt
like the fur of a cute kitten. The orange sunlight had mostly left,
leaving behind only traces of light.
It all felt so real to him.
He turned back to her. “Why did this
happen to you? You were a good person. You didn’t deserve to hit
your head on the pavement and die. And what about me? You left me
here all by myself.” He felt his face getting hot. “It’s just so
unfair.”
At that moment, he felt less like her
husband, and more like a little kid, one of her third-grade
students even, throwing a temper tantrum after being denied ice
cream. He was ashamed of his behavior, but it was too late to do
anything about it.
She tried to put her arms around him
and he pushed her away.
He examined her face, but no hurt had
registered on it. Her cheeks were a scarlet red. She breathed
deeply, but he could not detect hurt in her face.
He felt like a total jerk.
Rapidly, he pulled her back toward him,
burying himself in her again. Her skin felt so good against his. He
did not want the feeling to end.
He did not plan to cry, but before he
could stop it, a few tears trickled down his face and fell onto her
shoulder.
“
I know, I know,” she said,
patting his thigh. “It’s OK to whine about it, get angry about it,
cry about it for a little while, but sooner or later, it’s time to
pick yourself up and do something about it. I did die. That‘s what
happened. We can‘t bring me back.”
It was just like her not to become
defensive.
She could have lashed back at me, he
thought. At all those times I left her at home all by herself when
I was at the office. Having doubts about marrying her. Visiting her
at work and peeking at that mental patient. But she did not lash
back at me. She did not push me away when I pushed her away. She
embraced me with all my flaws. It was the caretaker in her. No. It
was the loving caretaker in her.
It made him love her even
more.
“
You didn’t push me away,”
he mumbled. “Not even when I did the same to you.”
“
Why would I?” she said.
“Why would I?”
Luke said nothing, and just appreciated
Alyssa for Alyssa.
“
You know, I compared you to
a beautiful power ballad by Celine Dion” he said.
She smiled, revealing white teeth. “I
know.” Then she giggled.
For a while, they said
nothing.
Luke listened to the sound of her
heartbeat. It was rhythmic, like the steady beat of a drum. It was
moments like this that he questioned nothing.
“
Alright,” she said. “This
is what we do.”
It felt weird to see her take charge.
In their relationship, he had always been the one in control. The
logical, decisive one.
“
Tomorrow, you will wake up
refreshed, with a new outlook on life. For the next few days, you
will find out which other careers you want and find some other
hobbies. When you meet a girl, you will get her number and ask her
out on a date.”
“
No,” he said, shaking his
head again. “No date.”
“
You can’t live like this
forever. You can’t live in your dreams. You have to get back into
life.”
“
How can I? My life was with
you. Now I have nothing.”
“
You can have a new life.
You need someone that can be with you all the time. I have to leave
soon for Home. I can’t be that person anymore.”
“
No, you still can.” Luke
looked up at her, and saw her purse her lips and slowly shake her
head.
“
I can’t. We have to accept
it. It’s not fair, but this is the way it is. Promise me you’ll be
open to new girls.”
Luke was still and said
nothing.
“
Promise me,” she persisted.
“Or I’ll be very upset with you.”
“
I promise,” he said. “When
can I see you again?” He realized that he was not yet ready to say
goodbye to her, as he had originally planned. He did not know when
he would be.
“
As soon as I can come back.
I don’t know when.” Then, she paused, as though unsure of how to
proceed.
“
You know, this is just
temporary. I can’t keep coming to you in your dreams forever. You
have to move on and so do I. If I’m caught by the Wind, they’ll not
only take me away, but even punish me, and maybe scatter my spirit
so I can‘t go Home.”
The wind picked up, ramming into them
with force.
He looked into the darkness but could
see nothing.
“
They might be coming. I
can’t take a chance,” she said. She gave him a quick peck on the
cheek.
Before he could kiss her
back though
,
she
began to dissolve, like a sugar cube in water.
He leaned into her, but she had already
gone.
* * * * *
Chapter 15
Luke spent the next day thinking about
his last encounter with his wife. She wanted him to have new
purposes. And a new girl.
But he was still hurting. He needed
more time. It was too soon for a new girl.
Luke knew that Alyssa would have wanted
him to get out of the house though. He did not want to mope around
all day either. So he dressed himself in a suit.
As he stood in front of the mirror
inspecting himself, he felt a little better already. He had not
worn a suit in days.
He looked at himself. His eyes were
bloodshot, but that was due to the bad sleep. His face was thinner
than normal. His body was thinner too. He had lost a lot of weight.
That was normal. He had not really been eating a lot.
He took the elevator down and left the
lobby. Luke stepped into the summer sunlight, and the sun cast
pleasant warmth on his skin.
What should I do today? Luke asked
himself. I think I’ll go for a walk in the park.
He strolled over to Central Park under
the sky train track. The park was quiet on this weekday morning. He
breathed in the fresh air, and started walking with no particular
destination in mind.
He passed a girl that was jogging with
her earplugs in her ears. She had long blonde hair and was wearing
a sweat shirt with a giant “S” etched in the front and back, and
shorts. She winked at him as she raced past.
Luke continued to meander, taking in
the sunlight, refreshing breeze and forest scents.
After he had wandered around to his
heart’s content, he felt thirsty so he entered the nearest
Starbucks.
He got in line, and browsed the menu.
An iced-cappuccino sounded good to him.
The cashier shouted for the person in
front of him, who did not move.
Luke tapped the shoulder of the person
in front of him. He recognized the “S” symbol on the back of the
sweatshirt. It was that girl who had passed him in the
park.
She turned around, took off the
earplugs and gave him a mischievous smile. "Yes?"
Luke pointed to the cash register.
"They're calling you."
“
Oh.” She said it as if she
was disappointed in Luke’s words, as though she were expecting
more.
She stepped up to the cash register,
ordered a mocha latte, and sat down in the corner.
Luke gave his order, got his drink,
then sat at the only available table, the one near the
corner.
It was busy that day. The cafe was
filled with noisy chatter and the clinking of spoons. It reminded
him of the day he met Alyssa.
He took a sip of his beverage and felt
a shadow cover him. He turned around. The blond girl was standing
behind him with her latte in her hand. "Mind if I sit down?" she
asked, taking a sip.
Luke took in this green-eyed blond
beauty, who looked around his age. She was tall, but shorter than
Luke, a little sweaty, and very leggy. She looked like a Victoria's
Secret model. What did she want from him? Was this the girl that
Alyssa was talking about? Alyssa wanted this. She wanted him to ask
out the first girl he saw. But did he?
"Sure." He hesitated at first, and then
pulled out the empty seat.
The girl sat down and extended a hand.
"I'm Jessica," she said. "So what were you doing wandering around
the park in your business suit?"
Luke took her hand. It was warm. "I'm
Luke," he said tentatively. "How did you know I was in
business?"
She shrugged and smiled. She had the
whitest teeth. "I can tell. I've dated a lot of
businessmen."
Jessica began to stir her drink. The
ice cubes clinked around in the glass. "What I can't figure out is
why a nicely-dressed businessman such as you isn't at work on a
weekday." She took a sip, then added, "Unless, of course you're
already a successful businessman who's his own boss and can go
wherever he wants whenever."
He nodded. "Something like that." It
was not entirely untrue. He had built up a pretty nice nest egg in
the old account before he was fired.
Luke looked at her sweatshirt and her
revealingly-short track shorts. "And what I can't figure out is why
an attractive young lady such as yourself isn't at work on a
weekday." He took a sip of his drink, and then added, "Unless
you're an athlete training for the Olympics."
She threw back her head and laughed,
the sound reverberating throughout the entire cafe. An elderly
couple at the next table stopped their conversation to
stare.
"You're funny," she said, trying to
stifle laughter.
Luke lifted both eyebrows. He did not
think it was that funny. He thought he would try to be witty and go
with the flow, but he got a negative vibe from her. It was too soon
of her to be this friendly and flirtatious.
Luke stood up, and gulped down his
drink, drops spilling on his chin, then his suit. "It was nice to
meet you, but I have to go now."
The overly-friendly girl stood up too,
the giggles vanishing. "Where are you going so soon?"
"I have things to do," he
said.
"But I thought you were just wandering
around today."
Luke did not have an answer
prepared.
Jessica twirled a strand of hair with
her finger. "At least come for a walk with me in the park. It's
such a gorgeous day."
He inspected the girl. She was getting
flirty again. But he knew Alyssa would want him to give Jessica a
second chance.
"OK," he said quietly.
The pair headed out into the sunlight,
and arrived at the park. The heat had dissipated. It felt like a
warm spring day, instead of late summer.
Luke and Jessica strolled along the
path. The wind shifted the trees beside them and brought a scent of
fresh pine. In past days, Luke would have been happy to be in the
park in sunny weather with a beautiful girl. But it couldn't be any
beautiful girl.
He looked at the girl next to her. This
was no Alyssa.
They headed deeper into the woods. The
towering trees blocked out most sunlight. As they walked along, the
girl's hand brushed his. He withdrew his hand, as though
singed.
He looked at her and saw a peculiar
expression on her face. Not surprise. Not rejection. But
playfulness.
She reached for his hand again, and he
let her. It felt different from Alyssa's.
He thought about Alyssa. She had only
wanted him to know other girls for his sake. But he did not want
this. He would rather be alone now.