His Wounded Light (20 page)

“Mrs. Ailey, I’m sorry to bother you with this, but we need some information on your husband.” I knock the clipboard out of her grasp and repeat my demand as it crashes to the floor. “I want to see my husband!” I look to Evie, clasp my hands in a praying position and furiously plead with her. “Please Evie, talk to them! Tell them I have to see him. Where is he? What are they doing to him? Is he gone? He’s gone, isn’t he? Tell me!”

“No, Isa, no. He’s in surgery right now.”

“Oh, oh, oh my God. Oh my God. Evie. What is he in surgery for? Please, I NEED TO SEE HIM! Evie, it’s going to be like Mom all over again. I’m never going to touch him and I won’t ever recover from this. Evie, please! Tell them I need to touch him.” I can hear myself howling. My voice is ten octaves higher than it should be and I’m making a scene and screaming at too high a volume.

Leigh gets up to try to calm me down. His arms are so big and strong that I welcome his embrace. I try to make myself believe that it’s Alex. After all, he was the last one who saw my husband.

“Shhhh. It’s okay, Isa.” He’s holding me tight and I’m drenching his shirt in tears, in agony, in sorrow.

“What happened, Leigh? What are they doing to him?”

He leads me to one of the chairs in the corner of the waiting room. Betty and my sisters don’t get up, they let him speak to me alone. I’m hiding under his arms. I don’t want to see the world
. My world is gone. I know that it will never be the same.

“There was a freak storm that made him lose control of the car. He hit the side of the track and the car rolled a few times. He was severely injured, Isa. Do you know Dale McKinley? We went to school with him in the States. He’s the surgeon operating on Alex right now. I called him from the track and he rushed here to meet us.”

“How bad is he?”

“It looked pretty bad. He was unconscious when we got to him.” I balk at his words and my chest starts to tighten. My body is depleted with pain.

“Did someone call his parents and Anthony?” Right after I ask that, I see his Mom and Dad, followed by his brother, Anthony, emerge from another hallway right behind the nurse’s desk. His mom runs over to me and we start to cry together.

“Mom!” I cry, falling into her arms.

Anthony and his father approach us. My father-in-law’s face is tight and his voice is weak and trembling.
No father should have to go through this. No mother. No child. No wife.

“He’s still in surgery,” his father says. “We were told that it will still take a few more hours.”

We all silently nod our heads and take a seat. I choose the empty seat between Evie and Ali, and the nurse comes back to hand Evie the clipboard. She fills it out for me, asking me quietly for his information as she writes everything down. My sisters take one hand each and we remain that way for what seems like days. I don’t move. The world still spins on its axis. The sirens go off and new patients come in. There are footsteps and voices all around me. I don’t see them. I don’t hear them. I’m praying to God, begging for Him to bring Alex back to me.
What was the last thing he saw? Did he suffer unspeakable pain? Did I tell him that I loved him today?
Where is my faith? Why has it been shaken?
I repeat a loop of rosaries, over and over again. I used to time how long it took for me to pray one. Fifteen minutes at a normal pace, thirteen in record time. Tonight, I pray fifteen rosaries all in a row.

I don’t even notice it until I open my eyes and affix my sight down on the floor to see a large pair of sneakers in front of me. I refuse to look up until he kneels down to take my hands in his, tilting my chin upwards to look into my face. My mind is a jumbled mess and I don’t recognize him.

“Isa, it’s me, Dale.”

I stare into his eyes, hoping for a sign.

“I just got done with the surgery and Alex is in recovery. There were a lot of internal injuries and a very slight instance of bleeding in the brain. We’ve induced a coma for a couple of days to make sure that the swelling goes down. He also suffered some spinal injury from the impact of the crash, the extent of which is still unknown.”

“But he’s alive?” I ask hoarsely.

Dale nods and everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief.

“He’s alive and that’s all I care about.” I squeeze Dale’s hands and my face registers a tiny hint of consolation.

“Yes, he’s alive. He’s stable, but still critical. He will be in the ICU until we’re able to determine next steps.”

I nod my head and let go of all my pent up fears. “Dale, please, I need to see him. I need to see my husband.”

He stands up without letting go of my right hand and urges me to follow him. I rise from the chair and squeeze his hand again as he leads me down another corridor and into the recovery area.

“Dr. McKinley—” A nurse tries to stop us from entering.

“That’s okay, Tina. It’s his wife. They’re close friends of mine. I take responsibility for allowing her entry for a few minutes.” He guides me inside and hands me a sterile gown and cap. “Here, put these on. I’ll give you ten minutes to be with him and then I’ll come back to get you. Don’t be alarmed, Isa. He’s on a respirator; he’s not breathing on his own.”

I dress myself in the paper outfit he just handed me and move closer to where my Alex lies. I shut my eyes for a few seconds, terrified of what I’m about to see. His face is bruised and battered and purple and swollen. He’s got tubes sticking out of him everywhere and there’s an eerie popping sound that’s being caused by the rise and fall of the air pump. I’m afraid to touch him; he looks so fragile. I take his hand very carefully and hold it in mine. It feels like fine china to me, smooth, cold, breakable. His nails are blackened, his lips caked and dry. I want to kiss them but I remember something I heard before about being susceptible to infection after surgery. So I don’t.

“Hi, my love,” I whisper very softly in his ear, determined to sound strong and brave. “It’s me. I’m here. Do you remember the night we were at the Plaza in Paris and you said you wished that we had met sooner? I now know why God only brought you and me together seven years after we met. It’s because the best things in life are never easy. And the more you fight for something, the more you know that it was meant to be. You and I, Alex, we are meant to be. And we have so much more to do together. We have three beautiful children that need you. We have more places to visit. More places to leave pieces of us in. We still haven’t made love in every part of our home like you promised. Please don’t let go, Alex. Please fight for us. Please fight to come back. I love you so much and I’m not going anywhere.” I bring my head down to his hand and kiss it. I keep my lips there until Dale comes in to gently lead me back outside.

I return to the waiting room to give everyone an update on what I saw and how he looks. It takes me a moment to realize that everyone is crying. They abruptly dry their eyes as they see me approach them. They all tried to hold it together for me, releasing their grief as soon as I was out of the room.

“Everyone, please go home and get some rest. Dale has arranged for a small cot for me outside of his room in the ICU. I’ll call you if anything happens.” I turn to Ali and take her hand. “I’d like to be the one to tell Eddie. Will you have him brought here in the morning before school?”

She nods her head and embraces me. Everyone takes turns holding me before they leave. I accept their affections, but it doesn’t make me feel less alone than I do at this very moment. I can’t stop thinking about him and wishing with all my might that this isn’t happening. My thoughts are interrupted when I see three nurses wheeling Alex’s bed out of recovery and into the elevator. I don’t hear a single word that anyone else is saying. I turn around and run over to catch up with them as they take him to the ICU.

***

“Are you sure that a floor can’t also be a ceiling?”

—M.C. Escher

“Is he going to die, mommy?” Eddie asks through his tears.

We’re sitting in the cafeteria having coffee and a glass of milk. Eddie is in his school uniform; I’ve asked that he stop by the hospital on the way to school. I’m not sure whether this is a good idea, but thought it best for him to hear it straight from me. Eddie is different from other boys his age; his maturity has always allowed me to have honest conversations with him. The bond that he shares with his father is priceless and I want him to know exactly what we’re dealing with so he understands what lies ahead.

I’m trying not to drown in self-pity, so I convince myself that all the other people sitting at these flimsy, lopsided tables have it worse than I do. But do they? Do they know how long it’s taken me to finally find happiness? For years, it wasn’t really Alex who had my heart, but his dedication and devotion won me over. I haven’t been given enough time to return the love that saved me.
His
love. Twelve years isn’t really long enough for the universe to decide that it’s time to take him back from me.

“I don’t know, Monk,” I answer honestly. “But what I do know is that Daddy will fight to stay with us. He knows we’re waiting for him to get through this. You can do your part by continuing to do well in school and to keep as normal a routine as possible. Make him proud of you by being strong. Daddy loves you so much, he tells me that every single day.”

Eddie nods his head and I can tell that he’s processing everything we’ve talked about. “I’m too sad to go to school.” His tears are still coming down, seemingly harder as the time passes.

I hand him a Kleenex, which he takes from me and carelessly swipes his face with. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I really think that you’ll be sadder if you sit around here with me all day. Auntie Evie’s driver will pick you up after school so you and Maddy can stay at her house, where all your cousins are.”

“You’re right, Mommy. But when can I come back to see Daddy?”

“As soon as I know what’s happening, I promise to send for you and Maddy.”

“Okay. When he wakes up?”

“Yes, as soon as he opens his eyes.” I reach over to wipe the rest of his tears with a napkin. “I love you, Monkey. We will be okay.” I certainly didn’t mean what I just said. Nothing about what happened gives me the right to even use those words in the same sentence.

I walk Eddie back out to the car with the promise of texting him and calling the school with updates. As the car drives up to the entrance, I make sure that he’s settled in the back seat before reaching across him and clicking the seatbelt in place. I haven’t done that since he was much younger. Somehow, I just had to see him strapped into the seat before allowing the car to pull away. I wave goodbye and look down at myself. I’m wearing the same t-shirt and jeans that I wore when I came last night. My eyes are swollen and red, my hair is a tangled mess, and I’m wearing sunglasses to hide the dead look in my eyes. My lids hurt from the bright glare of the sun.
How dare it come out now, after allowing the dark to envelope my life?

Seconds later, a flash of light goes off out of the corner of my right eye, and then another from the left, and yet another. I realize that photographers are outside the hospital, which means that reporters will soon be following suit. People are coming up to me and I find myself shaking hands with strangers. I’m so disoriented, my head is spinning, and my eyes are to the brink with tears.
I’m Alice, sliding down the rabbit hole; falling, slipping, fading fast.
Until a pair of big, strong arms take me and a warm and calming force folds itself around my body, leading me inside through the automatic doors. I don’t recognize who it is until we’re standing face to face in the lobby. I don’t say anything, but I do step in and allow him to hold me. He feels safe and familiar but I don’t dwell on it for too long. All my energies are focused on trying to stop the torrent of tears that have ambushed me.

“It’s going to be okay,” he says confidently as his mouth leans on my head.

His hold on me is tight, my chest pressed against him. I realize this and immediately pull back.

“I have to go,” I whisper. “Thank you for getting me out of there.”

He dips his head in acknowledgment and walks away.

I’m glad I don’t have the time to think about what just happened. His touch comforted me and helped to throw me back into the circumstances of the day. I take the phone out of my pocket and call Penny at the office. We spend a few minutes discussing next steps and I give her instructions about calling Corporate Affairs to control the clamor for information on Alex’s condition. I’m sure his brother, Anthony, is all over this, so calling Penny is more for personal reasons than anything. I want to make sure that the children are secure and protected, so I ask for more security guards at the house.