His Wounded Light (18 page)

“No, you’re not.” There was a long pause on the phone. Silence. From her and from me.

“No, I’m not. You’re right.”

“Jesse, I hope you’re okay. Just remember what the doctor said. You’re really just getting better from the accident and your heart—”

“I know about my heart, Vic,” I snapped. “I’ll be fine. I don’t want to be late for this meeting, so let me call you later.” I hung up the phone, slightly irritated
.
I wondered whether this was how Alex Ailey was with my Issy—patient, kind, and understanding, knowing full well that her heart once fully belonged to someone else. There was no way I could’ve loved Victoria if all I could dream about was being with her.

But all that didn’t matter in the scheme of things. I planned to beg her to save me. I needed her to redeem me.
That sneaky bastard has had his time with her.

I was ready to walk into the meeting and tell her everything. I wanted to look for my soul in her eyes. I yearned to touch her and hold her and tell her that nothing had changed. I planned to tell her what the past ten years had been like, that she was still the light of my life, my only hope for happiness. That I would walk away from everything I had that day if it meant having her in my life again.

We all know it didn’t turn out that way. I let her go for the second time the day we signed the deal.

***

“A thousand half loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.”

—Rumi

“I gave you five years of my life, Jesse!” Victoria squawked while simultaneously throwing a glass of water at me. “How could you?”

I was surprised to see this much reaction out of this woman. She was normally so calm and cool; nothing ever fazed her. The glass tumbled on the wood floor. It didn’t shatter, it just disappointedly rolled around in a puddle of water.

“I’m so sorry, Vic. I don’t know what to say. It just happened.”

“Is she the only one you’ve cheated on me with?”

“Vic, we weren’t exclusively dating. So, no.”

She sobbed uncontrollably. I was at a loss for words. I moved closer to her and took her hands in mine.

“Listen, I would never do anything like this to hurt you intentionally,” I said quietly. “You, of all people, know that this happened to me, so I know how devastating it is. I spent ten years of my life running away from the pain. So please believe me, I never meant to hurt you.”

She nodded her head, swiping at her eyes with the back of her hands. “But I loved you.”

“I loved you too, as a friend. I’m still looking for something and I haven’t found it yet. I’m a mess, I know. But I never lied to you. You always knew.”

“So, this Rose girl. Is she it? Is she the one?”

“I don’t know. I want her to be. I feel different with her, like she’s worth the time I need to spend figuring things out. Is Isabel completely out of my heart? No. She will never be.”

“So everyone is second to Isabel? I was. Will she be, too?”

“Absolutely not. I’ll know that the right time has come when the woman I marry comes second to no one.”

What I told Victoria about the right woman was the truth—I know what went wrong with Isabel, and I’m not going to make the same mistakes twice. I won’t let
the one
get away again because I know that an empty soul can never be fulfilled. After Isabel’s wedding, life went on and I lived it. I traveled to the opposite ends of the earth and tried to find myself. Even if I already knew that I could always be found in the place I never left. I never left her. She was always a part of me.

I went back to business school after she was married. Night classes filled up the rest of my days. When I wasn’t working, I was studying. And when I wasn’t studying, I was fucking. Sometimes I would greet the new day forgetting whether or not I was alone in my apartment. You’d be surprised how quickly a day can turn into a week and into a month and eventually into a year. There were many women, some with me for months, one of them for years. Victoria wasn’t really my girlfriend, but she was the best friend I could ask for at a time in my life when commitment was out of the question. We were together so often that I don’t really blame her for coming to this conclusion. She wasn’t the only one. There were other women. Fillers mostly, just getting me through the days, the weeks, and the months.

Until Rose.

“You never told me how you met her,” Victoria commented, her eyes dry and with a hint of acceptance in her voice.

“It was quite funny, actually. She was sitting on the bench outside our classroom one afternoon, reading a book. A romance, of all things, with one of those obnoxious muscle man covers. She caught my eye and so I sat right next to her and we talked. Do you know that she loves visiting haunted houses? That was the first thing she told me and I thought it was hilarious.” I found myself smiling from ear to ear. The thought of her does this to me. “She has a five-year teaching contract with the International School here. And in case you didn’t know, she’s much younger than I am. Five years to be exact.”

“I’m still so pissed at you, but as a friend, I can see how your eyes light up when you talk about her. So I guess I’m going to have to force myself to be happy for you,” she teased.

I knew she was all right because our conversation had turned into our usual bantering. “Yeah, right. Don’t think I don’t know that you’ve been seeing that guy you met a month ago. What’s his name? Dickhead or something?”

“Richard,” she laughed.

“Like I said, Dick.” We smiled warmly at each other.

“Jesse. The control thing. I hope you don’t revert to that with Rose.” She leaned back on the couch and crossed her hands on her lap. Good old dependable Vic. My constant voice of reason.

“In retrospect, I no longer have the slightest inclination towards that. I can’t even imagine how it got that bad before. When I think about it, I finally see that I treated being with Isa as one of my goals. School, Career, Isa.” I looked at my feet for a second and took a deep breath, finally humbled enough to admit some things out loud. “Controlling every aspect of those goals was my way of ensuring that everything on the checklist of my life plan would be accomplished. Isa, unfortunately, became part of that list. My insecurities also played a major role in the way I handled our relationship, you know?” I flopped onto the couch and sat beside her. “You should have seen how her family lived, Vic. Isa never wanted for anything material—shopping trips abroad, tours around the world, anything she needed. I wanted to make sure that I would be able to give her all that. She pampered me, dressed me up, and built my image. I didn’t want to disappoint her.”

“Do you now realize—what you just said—that it was all about you?”

“I do. But it isn’t anymore.”

***

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

—Buddha

I open my eyes to find Rose kneeling on the floor, holding my face in her hands. My eyelids are heavy and laden with sleep, yet she kisses each one of them as she moves the tilted glass off the couch. I fell asleep still holding it and must have let it go after I passed out.

“I was looking for you this morning,” she whispers gently, taking my hand in hers. “Are you okay?”

I nod my head. “I’m fine. Just really tired. I’m sorry I fell asleep out here.”

“That’s okay. I have to leave for work soon.”

“Me too. I want you to know that I’ve decided to stop by the hospital to see if there’s anything I can do to help.” I wonder whether I should be asking for her permission.

“Don’t you have to be there anyway to see Dr. Camden?”

Dr. Camden is my cardiologist. Two years ago, I had an auto accident after suffering from a mild heart attack while driving to the office. I have a block in one of my valves, but it’s being monitored regularly. Sports and an active lifestyle are still a part of my life, but I’m on more medication now than I’d like to be. The doctors think most of it was stress related, hence the minor slowdown in my hectic work schedule. Running a multi-million dollar company will do that to a guy. Although I see how other multi-millionaires (specifically the one whose career I follow closely) have managed to find the work/life balance that they need.

“No, that’s not until Thursday,” I reply.

Rose nods and stands up, moving to the kitchen to get us some coffee. Her movements are forced and cursory, almost disjointed. I know that she’s trying to figure out what my going to the hospital means. She won’t look up at me; she’s scrutinizing the floor.

“I only want to help,” I say, giving her the only answer I have. “I’ve known their family for so long.”

“Sure,” she responds as she continues to pour coffee into a mug. She leaves the cup on the table and ambles back into the bedroom.

I know I should follow her there, but the pain in my head and in my heart forces me to remain seated on the couch, wishing she hadn’t left the coffee so far away.

I pull up to Forbes Memorial Hospital and turn the car over to the valet. The entrance to the emergency room is a circus. There are ambulances and doctors and nurses filing in and out in some sort of organized chaos—just a normal day at the office in that aspect, I guess. There are also reporters and photographers lined up on the grassy area that separates the driveway from the street. This is the life that we live these days, the social fishbowl that allows everyone a glimpse into our private suffering. I grab my sunglasses from my pocket even though they’ll know full well who I am. This proves my point about why I have shied away from social media. I’m not on Facebook or Twitter or Vine or Instagram, and it’s not because I don’t know how or that I’m computer illiterate. My businesses thrive on these gigantic mammoths of engagement and communication, but my life in the public eye poses many risks to the persona I have created in my world of big business. One recorded conversation, one misguided smile, one accidental touch; everything can be misconstrued and my reputation ruined.

My thoughts are interrupted by a barrage of flashbulbs going off in every direction. “Jesse Cain! He’s here!” someone yells amidst the commotion in progress.