Authors: Esther M. Soto
“Well, we have a problem then, because I can’t let you stay, and I’m not giving you my gun,” I reply, just as determined.
Tommy
This morning Teague ordered me to check out of the motel, go home, and take some time off. He actually showed up at my motel room, stood there, and watched me pack my things like I was some kind of prisoner to be escorted out of town. He doesn’t understand I can’t leave Lil out here all on her own. He promised to send an officer down here to check on the area a few times a week. I know he’s doing it to appease me and out of respect for Lil. Whether they admit it or not, this is a huge blow to our department. Ileana Harper is one hell of an Agent. The best.
I reluctantly comply, but don’t tell him I plan to drive down here every day if I have to. Hell, if it were up to me, I would have stayed on that road this entire time. The first two days I sat in my car while the search continued. I kept my eyes fixed on that spot. The place she was last seen, just waiting for her to appear. I stared at it for hours.
Any minute
, I would tell myself,
Any minute
now, she’s going to walk out of that field and tell me, ‘Colton, take a shower cause you smell
.’
She never did walk out of that field.
How ironic that Lil is the one to disappear, when I’ve been the one thinking no one would miss
me
. I made her promise never to stop looking for me. But did I? No, I didn’t promise her. I’ve failed her once again. So what’s new? I don’t know what to do with myself. How the hell am I expected to go to work, sit there and stare at her desk? How am I supposed to look at my phone again, never to see her name come up on my caller ID? Who’s going to keep me from drowning? Who’s going to keep me honest?
I comply to appease them. Teague, Nelson, Ryan, and every single person out there that thinks life can go on without Lil. But I know better. Life is over. There’s no life without Lil. Without her, there’s no Tommy Colton.
I drive straight to her apartment and a small part of me is hoping that when I open the door, she’ll be there passed out on her couch. Tell me she got turned around, had to hitchhike her way to Chicago, and lost her phone. Then she had to walk all the way back to her apartment, and she’ll proceed to yell at me, and ask me where the fuck I’ve been.
I get to her building and take the elevator in silence. As I arrive at her door, I pause. I stop, hoping I hear a noise inside—the TV, maybe some music. She likes listening to music when she’s working.
Nothing. I insert the key, slowly open the door, and walk inside.
Everything inside the apartment is as she left it. Dishes are still in the sink; looks like she had some leftover Chinese food that afternoon before leaving for the club. I put my gear down and walk into the kitchen. Numbly, I grab a cup and fill it with water, going around her apartment watering her plants. She’ll be pissed off if her plants died while she was gone.
After I finish watering her plants, I go into her bedroom. As I look around her room, I can’t hold it in anymore. My knees give out and I collapse on the floor and cry. I cry for her. I cry for us. I cry because I’m angry it took me so fucking long to muster up the courage to go for it, to fight for her, and now she’s gone—without me ever telling her how much I love her, that I can’t live without her.
All because I’m a pussy. I’m a fucking coward. This is all my fault. I left her out there that morning so I could grab a shower.
But I can’t give up on her. On us.
I get my weak ass up off the floor and wipe the tears away. I go around her room, straightening out her things lying on her bed and hanging them up. She’ll be mad if she comes home and her shit is still lying around. She’s going to ask me what the hell I’ve been doing all this time.
So, this is what you were doing, Colton, playing with Tommy Dick instead of looking for me and taking care of my shit?
I laugh, because that would be such a Lil thing to say.
I’ll never forget how she yelled at me that day in Afghanistan when that woman blew up right in front of us. She had a fucking bone—someone else’s femur—sticking out of her thigh! When I went to check on her, she turned around and reamed my ass right then and there. “
What the fuck were you thinking, Colton! You disobeyed a direct order!”
I was a mess. I tried to help her up, but she slapped my hands away. “
Get the fuck away, Sarge and go check on your men!”
I was so shocked; all I could answer was, “
Yes ma’am!
”
I’m sitting in her bed smiling. That’s what I love the most about her. She always could make me smile.
I know Lil better than anyone. She’s taken care of herself most of her life. She’s cunning, sharp, and self-reliant. She doesn’t need finding. She’ll find her way home. All I have to do is wait.
She’ll be home soon so I better get ready. An eerie calm grows within me, and I can breathe again. Maybe I should take a shower and shave. I’m still wearing the same clothes from that day. After I do that, I’ll do her laundry and dishes. I should also check on Mrs. N across the hall. Lil would want me to check up on Mrs. N. I better get busy.
قلب
Three weeks later
I’m done lying to myself. I tried, I really tried, Lil, tried to be optimistic. You’ve been gone for almost four weeks. Twenty-five days, fourteen hours, thirty minutes. I’ve been sitting on the floor by the couch for almost two weeks, with your wool cap on my lap, my phone to one side, and my weapon on the other.
My phone has stopped ringing. When it does, it’s Teague or Chris checking up on me. Everyone has gone back to their lives as if life could go on without you.
It can’t.
I
can’t.
Chris figured out where I was and showed up to your place a week ago. She knocked and knocked. You know how she is. She wouldn’t leave until I opened the door. She brought me food and sat with me for a while, tried to get me to leave you. I can’t leave you. I have to be here when you show up.
I ate to appease her, thinking she would leave, but she didn’t. She watched me eat, and had the balls to ask me to go stay with her and Nelson. Can you believe her? She sounded like you after my dad died. She doesn’t want to leave me alone. I’m not leaving, and I made it very clear. Finally, Nelson called her and I heard her turn and mutter something about being worried about me. She thinks I didn’t hear her, but I did. She said she would check on me every day and, if I didn’t answer the phone, she’d show up in person. She’s a woman of her word, that one. I can see why Nelson is crazy about her. She’s the yin to his yang.
Just like you are Lil. You’re my yin.
I’m not leaving without you. Your scent is almost gone. I smell your cap, but I can’t smell
you
anymore. What if you’re gone, really gone? What then? I’m tired, Lil. I’m so tired. I don’t think I can do this anymore.
Please come home.
Please
.
He wants me to give him my weapon. Not happening. Darkness is fast approaching as the sun sets on the horizon, the orange hue coming through the windows. Carol, Mary, and MJ will be home soon.
“Why do you want my gun, Wayne? You’ve got a knife.” My palms are still up, but I don’t make a move to retrieve my gun. “Tell you what, Wayne, I’ll trade you Doc for my gun. What do you say?”
“I’ll cut his throat, I swear!” He’s starting to lose it, realizing there’s no way out. This is where Doc’s life is in real danger. Once Wayne realizes he’s not leaving this house, he’ll have nothing to lose. Will glances at me warily, guilt and panic flashing in his eyes. Doc’s eyes are on me. Both men are waiting for my signal. I shoot them both a look. This is escalating fast, the kitchen slowly closing in on us.
“All right, Wayne, take it easy,” I say calmly, as I start lowering my hand painstakingly slow to my holster. “You can have my gun.” I slowly pull my Glock off the holster and grab it by the muzzle, pointing the handle toward Wayne. His eyes move to the gun’s handle as he lets go of Doc to reach for my weapon.
That’s the window.
Doc elbows Wayne in the stomach and Will goes for his switchblade. Simultaneously, Wayne shoves Doc into me and Will, and takes off running.
I don’t stick around. I fly out the door after him as I remove the safety and swiftly cock my weapon, right on Wayne’s heels.
“Stop or I’ll shoot!” I yell to no avail. He’s running to the cars. I pull the trigger and nail him in the leg. He goes down on the dirt as Will and Doc rush out the door.
“Wayne!” Will yells desperately from behind me. I slowly approach Wayne, my weapon still pointed at him as he drags his long frame up to a sitting position.
“Doc, you all right?” I call for Doc without moving my eyes away from Wayne. “Doc answer me, I can’t see you!”
“I’m all right, Ileana,” he says, and relief comforts me.
Now I have to deal with this piece of work. I’m still pointing my weapon at him when Will walks straight toward Wayne.
“Will, get back,” I order in my best lieutenant voice.
“I have to help him,” Will tries to reason with me, but I don’t budge. I stay on target.
“Let her do her job, Will!” Doc scolds. Will is torn, not being able to help his cousin.
Wayne rises to his feet with a determined look. He struggles to keep himself up, and I notice he’s still holding his switchblade.
“I’m not going with you,” he growls, his trousers quickly soaking up the blood pouring from his leg wound.
“Yes you are, Wayne. Put the blade down.”
He starts to limp toward me, his face white as a ghost, Will pleading with him in the background. I shut everything out, except Wayne.
“Please don’t make me shoot you because I will. I don’t need you, Wayne, I just need your DNA, which means I just need your sorry ass, dead or alive—doesn’t make a difference to me.” My tone is even and ice cold, but Wayne remains undeterred.
Will is growing restless, still pleading with his cousin, and I’m afraid he’ll intervene.
“This is your last warning. Put. It. Down.
Now
,” I order one last time.
Wayne’s face twists in anger and contempt. “Who the hell do you think you are?” he roars in outrage. “You’re just like all those broads, you’re all the same! You’re nothing but a bunch of trash, having sex with strangers! You never shut up, acting like you’re better than us, and you’re nothing!”
He’s no longer Wayne: the monster emerges, and lunges at me at full speed. I fire my Glock as he crashes into me, both of us hitting the ground, and Will and Doc scream in horror.
I’m pinned under Wayne’s limp body when I get my bearings back. I push him off as Will rolls him to his side. I check Wayne. I shot him in the gut. Dammit.
I missed. I was aiming for his chest.
“Are you all right?” Doc asks, helping me up. He’s trying to assess me while I return my weapon to my holster. As I do, I see it. Wayne’s knife is plunged into my side, the handle sticking out just above my left hip.
“
Aw
, shit,” is all I can say.
Doc looks down and sees the knife embedded in me. “Oh no, no.” Doc’s hands grip my shoulders, as his entire posture is full of dread. He shakes his head, fearing the worst.
“I’m all right, Doc.” I look over to where Wayne is lying, shot. Will is hunched down in front of his cousin. Wayne’s white shirt is now crimson red, his face as pale as his shirt once was.
“Is he dead?” I ask. He’s just kneeling there and doesn’t answer me. His eyes won’t move from his cousin’s face.
Doc rushes to Wayne’s side, bends down and checks for a pulse. “He’s alive."
“We have to drive him to the hospital, Doc, help me carry him,” Will says, finally coming to his senses. As he turns and sees me, his eyes drift down to where the knife is sticking out.
“Oh no, we need to get you to the hospital—”
“No one is going to the hospital. You’re both going to load him into the back of your truck. I’m taking him with me.”
Slowly, Will raises up and stands there, his mouth agape. He shakes his head slowly as my words sink in. Doc and I share a look of understanding.
“Will, he has to go with Ileana.” Doc’s placating voice tries to explain to Will, but he won’t have any of it.
“No!” Will’s face contorts in anguish.
He is in way over his head with this and needs to get on board. I don’t have the time or patience right now. Soon I won’t have the strength with this blade sticking out of my side. I don’t think I’m bleeding internally, which is a good thing, but I’m not sure. Looks like the blade came in right between my hip and ribcage and, I’m hoping, missed major organs. It hurts like hell, but I can’t dwell on it. I’ve got a job to do.
“Will, you can help or you can get out of the way. Your choice.” I’m cutting to the chase because I’m running out of steam.
I’m glad for Will, I am. He taught me to care about someone again, to not be afraid of my feelings. Sadness fills me, knowing he’s kindhearted that way. Even though he heard what his cousin did, he still thinks there’s hope for him and still wants to help him. But I know better. To me, it’s different. This is a lethal animal that needs to be put down or locked up so he can’t hurt anyone again. Somehow Doc understands this, but Will is too naïve to realize it.
“No, Ileana, you’re asking me to kill him. I won’t.” He squares his shoulders, challenging me.
I sigh. At this point, I’m starting to sweat, and my palms are getting clammy. I’m going into shock and we need to hurry. Carol, Mary, and MJ will be back soon. I know what I have to do, and he’s in the way of my objective.
“I’m not asking you to kill him, Will. I’m very sorry about this, I really am, but I have to bring him back with me. Hopefully, someday you’ll understand why I have to do this.”
He’s still shaking his head no, his locked jaw and tight shoulders showing his defiance while standing over his cousin, refusing to move away.
“Will, for God’s sake, Ileana is bleeding, she needs to go,” Doc pleads with him.
I try to move toward Wayne, but my body betrays me. I’m swaying, so I stay put. Instantly, it’s back: the prickle on the back of my neck. I’m out of time. I have to go.
Now.
“This isn’t good, Doc. I think I’m going into shock, how long do I have?” I calmly ask Doc. I know I’m on the clock now. Going back wasn’t challenge enough, had to up the ante with a stab wound.
“Twenty minutes, thirty if we’re lucky,” Doc answers as he stands next to Wayne’s body still lying on the ground. He’s bleeding out.
“Time for what? Doc, you can’t let her do this!” His outrage no longer contained, Will refuses to move Wayne to the back of his truck. I don’t have time. I’m tired, energy leaving my body every second we stand here arguing.
“If she loses consciousness, Will, it might be too late.” Doc starts to maneuver Wayne’s six plus foot frame.
Will blocks Doc’s efforts. As much as I care for Will, I’m done. I need to get home, now. Without hesitation, I retrieve my gun from my holster and point it at Will.
“Will.”
His eyes turn from Doc to me.
As soon as he sees the gun, his gaze morphs from outrage to disappointment. His eyes are dark, like an ocean before a storm, reflecting the despair and betrayal he’s feeling. I might be bleeding internally after all. My head is muddy and hazy and getting worse by the second. A tinge of shame touches my heart but quickly dissipates. I’m focused on my goal.
“Now, I’m not asking, I’m telling. Help out, or get out of the way.” My words are calm and methodical, but my body is anything but.
“What are you going to do, shoot me, too?” Will’s frustration and grief consume him. He feels responsible somehow and thinks he can do something for him. But it’s too late.
Taking a deep breath, I muster a little of what remains of my energy. “There’s a reason you brought Wayne here to me, Will. You knew, didn’t you? Not what he did, but deep down you knew something wasn’t right.”
He squeezes his eyes shut, his strong jaw rigid as his body tenses.
“You wanted to believe it was a coincidence, him being out there the night before you found me. That’s why you brought him over. Deep down you hoped it wasn’t him I was looking for.”
He doesn’t answer. I watch as my words sink in; he shakes his head, his strong shoulders slumped in defeat. He falls on his knees next to his cousin, as he shuts his eyes in pain.
“He’s like a brother to me.” His gaze shoots up to Doc. “Doc, you know me. I didn’t know, I swear. Dad didn’t like us going over there, but he never told me why.”
Will is falling apart in front of my eyes. Part of me goes out to him, but right now, I have a job to do, and he’s getting in the way.
“We don’t have the time, Will. Are you trying to kill me? I’m bleeding here,” I say with a faint smirk as I nod down at the blade handle sticking out of my gut. God it hurts like hell. I want to pull it out so bad, but I know I can’t. The knife is acting as a cork, and if I pull it, I will most likely bleed to death. I have a better chance if I leave it in, even though my toes and fingers are already going numb. I’m going into shock fast.
“Doc, help me out here.” I look at Doc, my gaze pleading, cold sweat covering my brow.
Doc glances at me and a small gasp escapes his lips. I’m probably as pale as Wayne.
“What’s it going to be, Will?” Doc asks.
My feet are faltering, but I try not to let it show. Chills are starting to set it. Will quickly nods to Doc, resigned, and finally budges. I exhale in relief, returning my weapon back to my holster.
I really was going to shoot him if I had to. I’m glad I didn’t have to.
Will grabs Wayne and Doc rushes to my side. Will hoists him up and lays him on the truck bed.
“Give your keys to Doc,” I tell Will. He’s extremely shaken up. He hands the keys to Doc and quickly climbs into the passenger seat.
“Hang on, Ileana, let me help.” Doc gives me a shoulder as I painfully climb in next to Wayne. He looks like shit. I don’t think he’s going to make it. I hope Doc doesn’t say a word.
“Doc, you need to—” My voice sounds fatigued, and I slow down my breathing in order to stay conscious.
“Drive like the devil. I know dear, I know.”
قلب
As we arrive at the north fields, darkness settles over the grass. The field is just as quiet and eerie as it was that first day I arrived as if keeping some secret from the world. On the way here, I kept slipping in and out of consciousness; at one point, I didn’t think I was going to make it. It’s like I’m swimming against the current. The more I fight it, the farther down I submerge, and the harder I struggle. Shock is setting in. I know the symptoms well enough.
As soon as we stop moving, Doc comes around the back of the truck and helps me get down. I turn around and throw up. Shit, this is not good; my side is burning, like acid is being spilled inside my wound. Luckily, Doc drove as close as he could get to the blackened ground marks.
“Will, quick, give me a hand!” Doc yells for Will, and within seconds they’re unloading Wayne from the back.
Doc stops, concerned about me, but I motion for him to go. Will carries Wayne to the burnt mark where he first arrived. I slowly trail behind, stumbling along with Doc’s help, trying to keep myself from passing out right here. I’m so close; the back of my neck is burning, goose bumps cover my skin, every bone in my body humming.
When we reach the spot, Doc and Will gingerly lay Wayne on his back. Will leans down to his cousin and whispers, “I’m sorry, Wayne.”
Walking toward me, Will gazes my way, those blue eyes brimming with unshed tears. He stops for a heartbeat, bows his head, and then walks away.
I can’t dwell on that. I need to get home. I need Tommy. Once I get home, everything will be okay.
Doc approaches me to help me sit on the ground. I motion for him to stop.
“No, Doc. Stay back, I don’t know how this works.” My voice is raspy, because I don’t even have the energy to speak.
Covered in sweat and feeling chills, I’m drifting away and I can’t stop it. I want to lie down and cry. Doc and Will retreat to the truck while I’m standing next to Wayne, his body lying on the ground at my feet. My breathing shallows as I struggle to keep my eyes open.
“Ileana, dear, do you feel anything?” Doc shouts from the truck. I frown at the question.
“Huh?” is all I can muster. I’m so dizzy.
“Ears ringing?” he yells back.
“Oh...I don’t know.” Are they? I hate this. I can’t think straight. I’m going to pass out and nothing is happening. Oh God. I muster the little strength I have left so I can use it to speak.
“Will?” He doesn’t answer; he just stares at me. His expression is heartbreaking, anguish and sadness weighing down his large frame.
“I’m so sorry, Will, I really am!” I can’t stand anymore, and my legs collapse. Falling to my knees, the entire field spins as I battle to keep my eyelids open. This is all too much. I need…“T-tell your mom thanks for everything. Tell Mary...MJ...I’m so sorry.” I’m fading.
Maybe I’m really dying this time. I crawl on my hands and knees, rolling onto my back as I reach for Wayne. I want to make sure I have a hold on him if this is really going to happen.
“
Ileana!
” Will screams as he sees me collapse onto my back. I vaguely hear Doc screaming, and Will struggling as Doc holds him back.
I’m so tired. I just want to go home. Please, I just want to go home to Tommy.
Be there to catch me, Tommy. Just be there.
I reach for my phone, struggling to turn it on. I can’t even hold it up and it falls to my chest.
Don’t let me go, I just want to get home. Just be there okay?
Please, Tommy, I need you…