Holding Onto You (Never Letting Go) (3 page)

I’ve kept a framed picture of me and her at the beach in Miami in my closet. Her mom took the picture when we were last there. I looked at it all the time. She still drove me wild. Sarah sent me a picture of them recently and my heart stopped. She’d gotten sexier. I never thought it would be possible. But there was something about her smile. See, pretty girl had two smiles. One smile was real and the other was to be polite. Her polite smile hid her true feelings. In that pi
cture, I saw her polite smile.

I closed my eyes and thought about her again. I wondered what she was up to now. I slowly got up, turned on t
he water, got out of my clothes and hopped in. I stood under the water and placed my hands on the shower wall. I kept my head down and thought about the last few months. Things have been weird with Kennedy and I. We haven’t had sex in a month and the only time I found release was when I thought about Sophia and her sexy eyes, pouty lips, and perky ass. I knew she was getting upset, but I couldn’t tell her that when I looked at her I saw my pretty girl. I struggled with those thoughts daily. Her voice echoed through me and I couldn’t get her off of my mind. She was locked inside my memories and there was no closure. There was nothing.

              “Baby, why are you up? It’s seven in the morning.” Kennedy opened the shower curtains and gave me a smile.

“Hey babe.”
I gave her a quick kiss on the lips and turned back to my shower. I got the shampoo and started to lather up my hair.

My head was under the water and my eyes were closed. I felt her naked body press against my back as she caressed my abs and kissed my neck. “I missed you,” she whispered into my body. Not knowing what to say, I reached and gave her hand a squeeze.
“I’m sorry for last night. I want us to be better Adam. I really do.”

Kennedy’s hands started going down my body and kissed me down my back to my ass and legs. She turned my
body to face hers and gripped my ass with her hands. “Let me take away your stress baby,” she muttered against my inner thigh. Soon, the tip of my head was being stroked by her tongue.

“
Argh,” I moaned. I took her head and pushed myself into her mouth. It felt good. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. Sophia’s smile came to my mind and my breathing was quick and fast.

Kennedy was skillfully sucking and playing with my balls, but I wasn’t paying attention to what she was doing. All I thought about was Sophia. Seconds later, I exploded into her mouth. “Babe
keep going. Argh, Sophia.”

Fuck.

Before I could say anything, Kennedy got up from the shower floor and jumped out of my shower. I saw the tears and her heart breaking.

Shit
.

I quickly washed myself and turned off the water. I got out of the shower and grabbed my blue towel. I wrapped it around my waist and went back into the bedroom. I saw Kennedy sitting on the edge of the bed, wrapped in her yellow towel. I stood a few feet from her not knowing what to say. What was there to say?

I looked at her and she was softly sobbing into her hands. I walked over to her and kneeled in front of her, still not knowing what to say. She felt my discomfort and her body stiffened. She looked at me and her face told me everything she was feeling. “Why wasn’t I good enough, Adam?”

I held her hands and I didn’t have an answer for her. “You don’t want to be with me Kennedy. I can’t give you what you need and I’m sorry.”

She threw her arms over my shoulders and buried her head into my neck. “Why? Adam I
want
you to love me.”

My hands rested on her back and I tried to calm her down but I couldn’t find the right words. My chest filled with guilt and pain. “I’m sorry Kennedy but I can’t love.”

She pushed me away and quickly got up. She went to the closet and came out. “This is what the hell is wrong with you.” She tossed the picture of pretty girl and I on the bed. Fuck. This is exactly what I needed. “This is the girl from your past.”

I got up and ran my
hands through my hair. “Kennedy, it’s not like that. We haven’t talked in years.” I got up from the bedroom floor and looked at her. “Can you stop yelling please? Can we talk like adults?”

She shook her head and cried. She wiped her tears and wrapped her arms around her body. 
“Fine. You want to talk like adults? Then let’s do that.” She sat back on the bed and crossed her legs. “You never loved me so what was I?”

“I like you Kennedy, I just can’t love you. I’m sorry. Sophia
..” my voice trailed off.

“
Adam, stop.” Kennedy put her hand up in the air. “I saw the text messages between you and Sarah. I know you’ve been asking about Sophia and look what just happened” She stood before me and I still didn’t know what to say. She wrapped her arms around my waist and placed her head on my hard chest. “I love you, Adam, but I know your heart belongs with her. I can’t do this anymore. I want to be the
one for you
but I know your heart doesn’t have room for me.”

She was right
and this was the end. “Kennedy, I’m sorry. I care about you a lot. The last two years have been great.”

“Adam,
please just don’t.” Her quiet voice told me everything I needed to know. She was done.

I took her in my arms and held her. I breathed her in one last time. She cried in my arms and kept saying how she wished I would love her. I wished I could love her too but my heart never left Sophia’s.
I didn’t feel guilty with Kennedy; that’s how I knew it was over. “I’m sorry,” was all I could say.

She pushed me away and wiped her tears away, “Let me get my things.”

I walked back to my bed and sat down. I watched her packed and putting her belongings in her bag. She refused to look at me and I couldn’t help but feel bad. It hurt but I knew this was the right thing to do. She took my hand and we walked out of my room. She gave me one last hug before walking out the door and out of my life. She turned around and smiled before closing the door. I stood there for a moment, taking it all in. Deep down inside, breaking up with Kennedy was the right decision.

              I turned away and headed for the kitchen. I didn’t know why I came here. I looked around for something to eat but wasn’t in the mood. I headed to the living room and sat down. I turned on the television and watched the news.

I heard the door open. I turned around and saw Connor.
“Morning.”

“Hey.”

Connor came over and sat next to me. “So, um, I saw Kennedy at the coffee shop. She said you guys broke up?” I didn’t say anything. “Adam, what the hell! Kennedy is good for you.”

“She’s not Sophia.” I turned my head away.

Damn.

She plagued my mind and my dreams. I dreamt about that night all the time.
Seeing her broken face. She was reaching out for me but I didn’t catch her. “I miss her.”

“What do you want to do? We have one more year here then we can go back home. Dad wants us to take over
Optimax. Maybe you can find her when we go back. Plus I like it here in Boston.”

I thought about what Connor said. Boston was a great city. We were able to start over
, a place where no one knew me or my demons. I had to get out of North Carolina and I didn’t look back. After we graduated, the basketball team threw a huge party. Connor and I went. Everything was fucked up. We all took shots and played beer pong. I kept on drinking and didn’t give a shit about anything. All I wanted to do was forget everything that reminded me of Sophia.

The rest of the night was a blur.
I couldn’t remember more of that night except that I ended up at Sophia’s house. Sarah woke me up and told me what happened. I was going to drive there to go see her and beg her to forgive me, but I was too ashamed. She was far away from me and she wasn’t coming back so leaving was the only answer.

When Connor’s phone rang, it knocked me out of my memories. I tried shaking off those feelings. Connor got up and answered his phone. I tried to listen but his voice was too low.

“What? Is he okay?”

I got up from the couch and ran to the kitchen where Connor was standing. His face turned white. “
Yo, what’s up?”

Connor got off the phone and tears were in his eyes. “Father’s in the hospital.”

We got on the next flight to North Carolina. Connor and I quickly packed and bought tickets. We didn’t care how much it cost. Our dad was in the hospital. The guilt of not going back to visit ate away at me. Mother and Father knew it was hard for me to go back home during the holidays so they either came up to Boston to visit us or we went away on vacation. Doctor Burns asked Father why we weren’t coming over for the holidays and Mother told him the truth-I couldn’t face Sophia. He understood and hoped that Sophia and I could’ve worked things out but I was too ashamed to face her.

We called a taxi and got dropped off at the airport. While we were waiting, Connor told me what happened. Mo
ther found him in the kitchen passed out. The doctors told her he suffered a heart attack and it was stress related. It made sense that this happened to him. He was the CEO of Optimax.

Optimax
was a growing company to help middle and high school students with learning disabilities. It was all technologically advanced and was focused on teaching students how to use the computer with the use of our software. Optimax took technology to a new level and promoted awareness for those with disabilities. The company brought in millions so life was always good. The goal was to have Connor and I take over the next few years so Father could step down, but it looked like it was going to happen sooner.

The flight took forever
and the seats were uncomfortable. It was bumpy and made me sick. Connor didn’t say too much and stared out the window the whole time. I had my phone on and tried to text Mother to see what was going on but she didn’t text me back. I looked through my pictures while listening to music. I was listening to “All Around Me” by Flyleaf and my thoughts went back to Sophia. I wanted to text her and tell her about what happened but my fingers stopped texting the message. I couldn’t finish because I couldn’t bear the thought of no response or even texting me back telling me she doesn’t care. I looked over again at Connor and saw how nervous he was. I felt bad because this was the second time in his life that something happened to his parents.

Almost eleven years ago, Connor’s parents died in a car accident. They were killed by two idiot, drunk drivers. Ester and Paul. Ester died at the scene with Connor’s parents. The paramedics told my parents that all three died at the scene. Paul was taken to the hospital with non threatening injuries. I remembered each court day and the guilt that consumed his face. He plead guilty and was sentenced to twenty-five years for reckless driving and vehicular manslaughter. When the judge asked if he had anything to say, Paul turned around and looked over at us. He looked at Connor and told him that he was sorry and wished that he could turn back time and bring back his parents. Then he looked at his son and said he was sorry and hoped that one day he would understand. They hugged one last time before the police officers took Paul away. Before Paul’s son was taken away, he stared at Connor and I. It was weird, but we didn’t think much of it.

I didn’t want the same fate to happen to Connor. He was my best friend and I begged my parents to adopt him. The day I found out they were going to adopt him I cried like a baby. He was a great brother and still my best friend. I looked at him and saw how nervous he was. I couldn’t image what he was thinking. Right when we adopted him, Father felt an instant connection. I wasn’t jealous by any means and it was good to see the two interact while growing up. Mother and I would watch the two play basketball or do homework together. It was great having him in our lives. Mother was scared I’d get mad but that never happened. Connor’s life was turned upside down, so seeing him happy was all I ever wanted.

When I introduced him to Sophia, I thought they had a love connection, but it was the same connection Connor had with Father. He protected Sophia when I wasn’t there. We were the three best friends and no one could take us down. All three of us did everything together and it was the best time of my life. All through middle and high school, we were always together. Neither of us ever dated anyone. Connor was too shy to talk to any girls and I had my heart set on Sophia. I never knew why Sophia didn’t date anyone, we never talked about it but I hoped it was because she loved me too.

Junior prom came through my mind. I remembered the way she looked and how happy she was.

Connor and I are standing at Sophia’s door and I ring her doorbell. I breathe in and out slowly but my heart’s racing. Doctor and Mrs. Burns answer the door and welcome us inside.

“You boys look so handsome.” Mrs. Burns excla
ims while taking pictures. Connor and Doctor Burns talk about basketball and I play around with Sophia’s pink and white lily and rose corsage. I keep staring at the flowers and my hands are getting clammy.

All of a sudden, I hear Mrs. Burns gasp. I look up and
see my pretty girl walking down the stairs with a smile on her face. She looks beautiful and the image of her walking towards me is burning in my memory. Her pale pink ball gown makes her look like a princess. Her hair is in curls just the way I love it and she’s happy.
I meet her at the bottom of the step and reach out my hand for hers. Her smile grows as she places her hand in mine. Mrs. Burns is taking pictures of us and everyone is saying how beautiful Sophia is but I don’t hear or see anything else, just her.

“Hey pretty girl.”

“Hi Adam. You look really nice.” She blushes.

“Thanks, you’re beautiful tonight.”

She looks away from me and I put my finger beneath her chin and turn her face towards mine. “Don’t look away from me. I always want to look into your beautiful eyes. You’re an angel Sophia and tonight, you’re my angel.”

She slaps my arm. “Adam, stop! You’re making me blush.” Her face gets red and we laugh. I take out her corsage from the box and slide it on her right hand. “Wow this is so pretty! Thank you.”

“Anything for you pretty girl.”

Our eyes connect with each other. The force pulls us together but neither of us
say what’s in our hearts.

When we finally landed in North Carolina, Mother
called and left a voice message letting me know that she sent a car to come get us. We ran through the terminal and pushed the doors to the outside world. We looked for Steven and the black SUV he was driving in.

Steven, our driver, was an older man. He had black and whit
e hair with a stocky build. He’d been with the family for ten years and grew close with him. He always got Connor and I out of trouble and kept our secrets. He lost his wife eight years ago and had the chance to move down to Florida to be with his daughter and her family but he decided to stay in North Carolina and work for us. Next to Father and Doctor Burns, he was a great man and we loved having him around. 

We found the SUV in the busy crowd and ran towards the car. Connor opened the door and we jumped in. Steven looked at the both of us and tried to smile, but he was hurting just like us.

“Boys, I am sorry about your father. Your mother said he’s awake and asking for you guys.”

Connor and I didn’t respond. We were thankful he was up and hoping he would be okay. Steven stayed quiet the rest of the way to the hospital. As Steven drove to the hospital, I watched the buildings and cars passing by. It felt weird being back in North Carolina. Flashes of my past went through my head.
Playing ball with the boys. Driving around late at night with Connor and Sophia. Staying up late at night and talking about life. Everything reminded me of Sophia. We passed the diner we used to spend time at. Sophia always ordered chicken tenders with ranch and sweet potato fries. We’d go there almost every day. Having her in my life was great, but then life took a huge shit on both of us. The connection with North Carolina grew. Boston was my temporary home, but still not
home.
There’s something about being back that made my heart explode into a million pieces. It’s been four years since I officially left and moved to Boston and it seemed like I never left.

He dropped us off
at the hospital entrance and we ran to his room. Instead of taking the elevator, we took the stairs to the eighth floor and hurried to find him. When we got to his room, Connor stopped and didn’t move.

“Hey. It’s going to be okay.” I gave him a hug and we walked in together.

“Boys, you’re here.” Mother got up and gave us both a hug. “We’ve missed you so much.”

“You too, Mother.” I leaned down and gave Father a hug.
“Hey, old man. You aren’t supposed to be stealing the show.”

He started laughing. “Hey, I’m alright. I’m not going anywhere.” He looked over at Connor. They had a secret language that no one else could describe.

“Mother, want to come with me and get coffee?” I held my hand out and she took it. We walked out the room and hugged. I missed her. “How are you, Mother?”

“Oh, my baby boys are home. I am fine, dear.
Just so glad to have you and your brother back.” Mother looped her arm through mine as we walked out of the hospital.

The hospital wasn’t far from where we lived. It felt good to be next to Mother and catch up.
She talked about what her and Father have been doing and about Optimax. I nodded and smiled but my mind was elsewhere. I felt bad that I wasn’t paying attention to what Mother was telling me but being back wasn’t easy.

When we passed Sophia’s house, my heart dropped. Visions of us played through my mind. We’d spend time doing our homework on her front porch and laid out on the grass watching the stars.  She was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing at night. There were many times when I wanted to text or call her, but I couldn’t bear to hear her angelic voice. I felt nothing but shame leaving her behind when she needed me the most.

“Adam, sweetie, what are you thinking about?” Mother asked me with worry in her voice.

I didn’t say anything. I was overcome with sadness and anger. We kept walking and every building we passed, a memory of Sophia came to mind.

Instead of going
into town, Mother led us through the park. Her and Father took us here when we were younger. There was a large playground with three swings, monkey bars, two slides, and a jungle gym. We stopped in front of the playground and watched the children play.

Sophia.

“Sweetie, do you remember when we used to bring you, Connor, and Sophia here?” Mother looked at the playground and smiled. “Oh you three were inseparable. You know,” she started to say, “Sophia is doing quite well. Doctor Burns and I talk every day you know?”

“I’m glad she is doing well, Mother.” Guilt took over. Mother went on and on about Sophia and how well she was doing. I couldn’t get her to stop talking. I wanted to yell. Everything reminded me of her. Being back at home wasn’t a great idea. I needed to get back to Boston.

“I can’t be here anymore, Mother. I’m sorry.” I lowered my head and kept walking.

“Adam Simpson, don’t you dare think about going back to Boston. You are to finish school here and then take over the company with Connor. Do I make myself clear?”

I stopped walking, turned around and looked at her. She had a serious look on her face. Was she kidding me? “Mother. I cannot be here, alright?” I walked over to her, “You don’t get it alright? It’s killing me to be here.” I walked away from her and put my hands on my hand. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth to calm myself down but it didn’t work. I picked up a stick and chucked it across the park. “Ugh! Fuck,” I muttered.

I felt hands on my shoulder and I instantly started to calm down. “Adam,” Mother started to say, “
You know we love you and want what’s best. I think it’s time you come back home. Your father and I miss our boys. We
need
you both to come back home. The college is only an hour away. We’ll get you an apartment off campus but close enough so you and Connor can walk to classes. You both have been gone for far too long.”

“Okay,” was all
that I managed to say.

We w
alked a little further into the park before turning around and heading back to the hospital. “Are you going to let Sophia know you’re back?”

Her question threw me off. I hadn’t thought of that too much. I wasn’t sure what the best thing to do. I couldn’t text her and let her know.
“I’m not sure Mother. Maybe Sarah or someone will tell her,” I let out a humorless laugh. Mother hit my arm and smiled.

All I thought about was how to tell Sophia I was back
. I listened to Mother as she talked about what everyone had been doing. It was good to hear happy news and nothing bad. Mother insisted that I go over and visit with Doctor Burns and Sarah.

We were passing the Burns’ when Sarah came running our way. She jumped in
to my arms and held me tightly.

“Whoa! Hey beautiful. We were just talking about you.”

She let me go and looked at me. “Wow, look at you all grown up.” She gave Mother a hug, “Hi, Mrs. Burns.”

“Sarah, how are you?”

“Good. Bored. You know. Oh! Dad told me what happened. I’m glad Mr. Burns is okay!

Mother took Sarah’s hand.
“Thank you, sweetie.” Mother looked at us. “Alright, well you two have some things to catch up on. Adam, I’m going to go back to the hospital and be with your Father but I will see you at home later. Bye, kids.”