Holding Onto You (Never Letting Go) (5 page)

I never felt more alone than I did as I sat in my new office, looking out at the sky. I’m twenty-two years old and was now the owner of a multimillion-dollar company. How was this happening? Father believed in Connor and
I. I knew we would make him proud. He would still be around and we had Joseph to help, but he really needed to step down for the sake of his health.

I sat at my mahogany desk looking at the piles of paper
that I needed to go through. My computer was set up and I had my pictures on my desk. There were boxes all over. Business books, reports, news articles. There was a large sleek black wooden bookcase to the left side and a wet bar on the other side. In front of my desk there were two cushion chairs and a couch in the corner. The office was large and it felt good to be here but something was missing. I looked at my favorite picture of Sophia. It was taken the last time we were in Florida. She was sitting on a towel with her black aviators glasses on. Damn. She was beautiful and looked carefree. I immersed myself in the memories of her and recalling every smile and the sound of her laugh. I couldn’t hide my desperation of wanting to be near her again. I closed my eyes and let my body finally relax. That day on the beach in Miami came to my head.

“Adam! Come on!” She grab
s my hand and pulls me up from the sand. “I want to go swimming!”

“Alright alright pretty girl.” I g
et up and bring her up in my arms.

“
Adammmmmmmmm ahhhhhhh.”

I love hearing her laugh. She ha
s the most beautiful and amazing laugh. Everything about her is simply amazing. I want to tell her how much I love my best friend. I look into her eyes and see my future. I know I’m young but it didn’t matter. Sophia and I know each other inside and out. We’re meant for each other.

I l
ook at my future as her face buries in my shoulder. I run faster and she holds onto me tighter. The ocean waves are glorious. The sun hits the ocean just right.

Connor
’s in the background laughing. I want to live in this moment for the rest of my life. My beauty in my arms. Family behind us. Perfection.

I r
un into the ocean and feel the warmth hit my feet and run up my legs.

“
Adammmm! Don’t drop me!”

“Never.”
I kiss her head and once I’m far enough in the ocean, I throw pretty girl in. She goes down but comes right back up. The water flows from her head. Her wet blonde hair swings from side to side as she comes up for air.

“You’re dead!”

She swims after me but I get away from her. We swim like this for a few minutes. I take a deep breath and go under. I can see her swimming while under the water. I swim up and place my hands on her flat stomach. I push her up as if she weighs nothing and throw her into the air. I can’t stop laughing. I swim to where she splashes and take her in my arms.

“Pretty girl.”

“I hate you!” I give her my sad face and she pushes my face away. “I could never hate you, Adam.”

I kiss
her cheek. “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you did.”

She wrap
s her arms around my neck and looks into my eyes. “And you’ll never know what it’s like.”

“But you’re gone pretty girl.”
I whispered to the picture frame. Everything felt foreign again. I needed to see her again; I would’ve done anything to just hear her voice. Time was running out and I was starting to lose hope that the decision to come back was the right decision. I should’ve taken the time and made sure she was okay. Would being back be enough for Sophia to believe me?

I wondered about her
and where she could possibly be. I couldn’t stop thinking about that picture of her and her douche bag boyfriend. I let out a frustrated grunt and placed the picture back down next to my computer. The weight of guilt was drastically increasing. I scowled thinking about how that should be me with her and not fucking Kyle..I had to talk to her. I had to do something. Anything. I grabbed my things, shut off my computer, and headed out.

I ran down the stairs and into the office garage. I took my keys out and pressed the unlock button. I got in my black Lexus, started the car, and began heading to the university.

I weaved in and out of traffic. All I could think about was Sophia. Seeing her. Talking to her. Letting her know I was back and I wasn’t leaving.

I got to the university in record time. I parked my car and got out. I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t care. All I thought about was her.
My life and my future.

I started walking around campus. It was nice here; nothing like Boston. The students on campus said “hi” to me as I passed. It felt good to be here. It was a different but familiar feeling. This
was
home to me.

The humid July
heat was harsh. The hot, beating sun was shining down on everyone and everything. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I walked around some more and saw a set of dorm rooms. This should lead me somewhere.

I walked around some more and saw a girl sitting on a bench. I couldn’t see who she was and wondered if it could be Sophia.

Her blond hair was free. Her hands were behind her back as she looked at up the sky. Her head cocked to the side. I walked up closer but stopped. “Shit,” I muttered. I stayed back and took out my cell phone. I blocked my number so she wouldn’t see it when the call popped up on her cell phone. I knew if she saw my number, she would’ve been scared. I needed to know if the girl sitting in front of me was her. I put the phone up to my ear and heard it ringing. I was about to hang up when I saw the girl picking up her phone and looking at the number.

Sophia.

I walked to her. My dream. She was here, finally. Just as I was about to call out her name, someone called out her name and ran to her. Fuck. Boyfriend alert. I saw him sit down next to her and grab hold of her hand. I couldn’t look anymore.

I turned around and ran back to my car.

Bar. I needed alcohol.

I got in my car and drove to
Oscar’s
. I walked in the dimly lit bar and took a seat. I pulled out my ID and asked for three shots of tequila. The pretty brown haired bartender gave me my order, “Here you go, dollface. Hope this helps your broken heart.”

I took the first shot. “I’m fine.” I took the second shot. “How did you know?” I took the third shot and looked to her for an answer.

“You have that look in your eyes as if you found what you were looking for but then it was taken away from you.”

I looked down at the empty shot glasses. She was right. I saw Sophia and I was close to making my move but then Kyle came into view and I saw him take what was supposed to be mine. Fuck, Sophia will be mine and I don’t care what I have to do to get her back. “Three more, please.”

She smiled at me while grabbing the bottle. She brought it over to us and poured my shots. “What’s your name, doll?”

I took the fourth shot. “Adam. What’s yours?”

She took my shot and tossed it back like I did. “Amber. It’s nice to meet you.” She poured two more shots. “Talk to me and let it out. I’m here to listen.”

I smiled back at her and we both took the shots together. “Are you ready to hear a fucked up story about a boy who let the love of his life walk out?”

Her eyes grew wide and a sad expression crossed her features. “All the time in the world.”

I rubbed my face with my hands and looked the other way, trying to figure out the best way to tell my heart breaking and fucked up story.
“I fell in love when I was baby, do you think that’s possible?”

“I think so.” Amber continued to wipe the counter but her eyes never left mine.

“She’s the best person I know. You know, I was going to tell her how much I love her but then things got fucked up and I lost her. I let her slip from my fingers.”

Amber stopped wiping the counter and leaned forward. “What happened?”

“I got stupid.” I rubbed the back of my head. “She got mad at me because I wasn’t there for her but I was only seventeen and didn’t know any better.”

She scoffed, “Men.”

I rolled my eyes. “Anyways, she walked out on me and the saved me but I was too ashamed to get her back so I left her alone.” I felt the sadness burning inside me. “And now, she’s got this stupid boyfriend and I don’t know what to do.”

Amber stood there looking at me. She was quiet for a few minutes but kept looking at me. “Make it known your back. Keep trying. If you love her and want her back then you’ll find a way.” She went back and wiped the counters.

I felt hands on my back and smelled vanilla. I turned around and it wasn’t who I wanted it to be. “Oh, hey Julie.”

“Adam what are you doing?” She looked at me and sat down, never taking her eyes off of me.

I picked up my glass of scotch and waved it in front of my face. “Much needed alcohol,” I slurred my words and felt dizzy. Damn too many shots.

She laughed and started stroking my arm. No, no she can’t be here next to me. What if Sophia came in and saw then she’d get mad and get the wrong impression. I moved my arm away and saw Amber looking over at us.

“Jules whatcha doing back here? It’s your day off today.” Amber stated in a matter of fact tone.

She tossed her hair to the right and smiled again. “I just wanted to see Adam and catch up with him
. Did you know,” she started to say still stroking my arm, “I had the
biggest
crush on Adam while we were in high school but he was
always
with Sophia.” Her other hand rested on my thigh and I felt uncomfortable but didn’t want to embarrass her and push her away. I played the game she was playing and knew to stop drinking.

“Well
I’m not sure what you want me to say,” I finished my drink and paid Amber. I started to get up and wobbled a little. “Whoa.”

“Here let me take you home.”

I walked out of the bar with Julie and everything was spinning. It was dark out and there weren’t that many people in the parking lot. When we got to my car, I took out my keys and handed them to her. Her hand grazed over mine when she looked up and stared into my eyes. I knew it was Julie but I saw Sophia and her beautiful eyes and sexy smile. I brought my hands to her face and touched her lips with my fingers. “You’re here.” I smiled and brought her face to mine. I closed my eyes and our lips crashed into one another. I dragged my tongue across the top of her lips and pushed her mouth opened with my tongued. I caressed her and heard soft moans. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pushed herself closer to my body. Something felt different and the feeling of Sophia slowly disappeared.

I broke the kiss and looked at her again. I blinked a few times and it wasn’t Sophia I saw. “Shit,” I pushed away from her arms and walked away. “I’m really sorry Julie. I-I
um just I’m sorry.”

She came over to me and tugged on my arm. “Adam, it’s okay. I wanted to kiss you. Come back and I’ll take you home.”

I shook my head and smiled again. “It’s alright. I’ll get a ride. It was good seeing you Julie.” Before hearing what else she had to say, I turned around and walked back in. When I walked in and took a seat, Amber came over and smiled. “Don’t. Can you call Connor for me please?”

“Sure thing,
”  she smirked and took my cell phone.

I placed my head on the table and closed my eyes. Sophia came to my mind and I drifted away to the only place I could have her again.

I woke up on my side, “What the fuck?”

My head was pounding. I felt like I wanted to take out my insides and throw them in the garbage. I slowly got up and opened my eyes. Connor was sitting at my computer eating a bagel.

Fuck.

I quickly got up and ran to the bathroom.
I opened the door and within seconds my head was in the toilet and in my stomach was coming out.

“Ugh!”

Splash.

“Fuck.”

“You look like shit dude.” Connor was laughing behind me.

“Towel.”

I heard the water running in the sink and threw up some more. Connor handed me the washcloth and I started wiping my face.

“So,” Connor started to say. “Mind telling me what happened last night?”

I shook my head. “I don’t even know.”

“Well,” he started to say, still eating his bagel. “I got a call from Amber, the bartender, who told me to come get you. First off, you owe me fifty bucks for puking in my car and second,” he started laughing, “You really need to get laid or something because you cried the whole time and yelled for Sophia.”

I rubbed the towel against my forehead. Everything from last night was foggy. “Damn, what the hell am I going to do?” Last night was a blur.

Connor helped me up to my feet and brought me back to my room. I sat down and put my head between my hands.

“It’ll be alright. You just gotta be patient. You can’t expect her to come back to you. Focus your energy on other things right now.” He looked at his watch. “I’m heading to the office. You should stop by.”

“Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks Connor.”

He nodded his head and walked out of my room.

Sweat trickled down my face as I thought about everything. This wasn’t the life I wanted and I needed to start focusing on
Optimax, school, and basketball. Getting back with Sophia might be out of my reach and who knows if she even felt the same way.

I wondered how bad I’d fuck things up if Sophia ever came back to me. Would she keep running away? I couldn’t stand the thoughts and what ifs. I
laid back down on my bed and closed my eyes and drifted away to a place where broken hearts didn’t exist. This was my place that I needed to go because reality wasn’t a fair game and it was being a bitch to me.

*****

I was at the school’s gym on the treadmill with Yellowcard’s “Only You” blaring in my ears from my iPhone. I pushed the speed to six mph and tried to forget about everything that dealt with Sophia, but it was a lost cause. Then out of nowhere it hit me when the chorus of the song came on. She was my only one and I couldn’t give up. We all made mistakes but mistakes were meant to be forgiven. I didn’t care how selfish I was being, I was brought back to North Carolina for a reason. I needed to try harder and show her that I’m back for good and I wasn’t leaving her alone anymore. I needed her to talk to me and let me back in. She deserved an explanation and I needed to get rid of this guilt. The mere thought of her not knowing what I felt tore me apart and caused an ache throughout my body. I couldn’t bear being around her again and not having her back. This was it; this was what I needed to do.

After thirty minutes of running, I got off the treadmill and got my bag from the locker room.
The work out helped but I was still frustrated. The pent up aggravation still ate away at me. I felt dizzy so I took out my water bottle and drank more water. I walked out of the gym and started walking back to the apartment. I turned the corner when someone walked right into me. They jerked their body from mine and when I looked to see who was standing in front of me, my mouth went dry and I couldn’t talk.

Sophia.

“Adam.” Her voice was small and I could tell she was shocked to see me. Her eyes went wide and I wanted to put a smile on her face.

“Hey pretty girl.” I should’ve walked away and not looked back but she had me at the palm of her hand. I was tired of not being around her and wanted things to be normal. “How are you?”

She looked away from me and looked at her damn shoes. “I-I have to go, Adam.”

I grabbed her arm, “No. Sophia, wait!” She turned her head and looked at me. All the breath in me disappeared. She needed to hear me out. “I’m sorry, alright?” I was waiting for a
response from her but nothing came. She stared at me and looked confused. “Please, pretty girl, answer me.” I was still holding her hand and didn’t want to let her go, not yet. “I don’t care what you’re thinking but no one is going to make me change my mind and I don’t care who you’re with. I’m back Soph and I’m not leaving again. Please can you say something?”

The awkward silence was killing me. Why couldn’t she answer me? I struggled with myself and nearly took her in my arms so I could feel her heart beating with mine. She took my arm and backed away from me. “I can’t do this, Adam.”

Before I could say anything, she ran from me and never looked back. This was my punishment and the beginning of a long road to redemption.

I stood there and watched her as she walked away from me. I was frozen and couldn’t move. She kept walking and when she turned the corner, she was gone. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. My heart broke again and this time I wasn’t sure what I had to do. I turned around and walked back to the apartment. When I got back, I saw Connor at the kitchen table on his laptop.

“Hey,” I said putting my bag down and grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

“What’s up? How was the gym?”

I took a sip of my water. “Fine. I saw Sophia. We talked for two seconds and she walked away from me.”

Connor looked up from the laptop and narrowed his eyes. “Listen, I know you want her back and all, but you
gotta stop. Focus, Adam. We have try outs tomorrow and we need to start thinking about Optimax. You can’t keep going back and forth with this. Now you know I love Sophia and I miss her, but she’s fucking with your head and you can’t even see it.”

I brought the water bottle to my lips again and downed all the water. He was right. Sophia was clouding my mind, but it wasn’t her fault. “Yeah, you’re right but I can’t let her go, Connor.”

“
You
need to slow it down,” Connor snapped. “You can’t expect that she’s coming back to you when
you
want. Give her some time. She needs to see that you’re here for good and you aren’t playing games. Four years is a long time bro. She wants to make sure you’re the same person and if you really want her back, you’ll respect that.”

I listened to what he was saying and he was right. I couldn’t expect Sophia to come back without asking questions and being cautious. She had every right to be worried. I went back to the kitchen and grabbed a beer. I twisted off the cap and tossed the cap in the trash.  I took a swig of my beer as Connor watched me closely.

“Can you promise me something?”

“What?”

Connor stood up and walked over to me. “Time and patience alright and don’t lose focus. This is our senior year and we need to make sure everything is perfect. Mother and Father are counting on us.”

“Alright,” I let out a sigh. “I’m going to my room. Thanks for listening.”

He slapped my back, “You know I’m here for you.”

I smiled at him and finished my beer. I placed the empty bottle next to the sink. I walked away and headed back to my room. I closed the door and fell on top of my bed. I looked at the ceiling. This feeling had been with me for too long and I needed to let go of missing her and wanting her. It was obvious she didn’t want me around but a part of me was still holding onto her and the chance that maybe she could change her mind. I got up from my bed and looked outside. It seemed peaceful and beautiful, unlike the chaos of Boston
.

Later that night as I slept, I tossed and turned uneasily. I’d spent a few hours watching movies Sophia and I watched together. It felt like she was here by my side like she never left. Every weekend she’d be over at my house and we stayed in my room, laughing, talking, and feeling as if nothing else mattered because
it was just us. She laid on my lap and I’d stroked her hair wondering what she’d look like on top of me. She never noticed how hard I got when she was around, at least I didn’t think so. Nothing ever happened between us even though it crossed my mind every time we were together. She was shy around the topic of sex and her face always turned red when there’d be a sex scene during a movie we’d be watching. My sweet and innocent Sophia.

I sat up in bed and pulled out the photo album she made for me. There were pictures of us from when we were little until senior year, before her mom passed away. I memorized her smile and each expression. How could everything we built crash with a few stupid mistakes? The nagging notion that I was doing too much or not enough kept attacking me. I wasn’t sure if I was pushing her too hard or if this was what she needed. Sophia meant everything to me and I wasn’t going to fail her again.

“I miss you, Sophia,” I whispered hoping that in some way she could hear me.