Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) (2 page)

I turned away from her and watched the dark road slip by as we drove. The impending war wasn’t what I was hiding from, and she knew it. Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty damn worried. An army of nine foot apes running out of the forests at any moment, screaming their heads off, would be enough to cause anyone to lose their cool.

Hell, that wasn’t even the worst of it. If the vampire nation went to war with their ancient enemies, Bigfoot (and yes that sounded just as ridiculous to me), all of our allies from the dawn of time would be drawn into it. We’re talking primal gods and shit like that - beings that would be the equivalent of walking nuclear arsenals - creatures that have been itching to re-reveal themselves to mankind. Not cool.

“There’s also the issue of...”

“Here she goes,” Ed muttered.

“Your...
friend
,” she finished, dropping her voice to a bare whisper - almost spitting out that last part.

I was sorely tempted to just open the door and dive out. It wouldn’t kill me or even hurt...hopefully. Though not much to look at - five-ten, a little overweight, glasses - I was still a vampire and had access to all of their powers, like superhuman strength, speed, durability - not to mention the inability to die. Scraping my face off the pavement wouldn’t exactly be a walk in paradise, but it wouldn’t keep me down. With any luck I’d be up, running, and a mile away before they even stopped the car. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t seriously consider it.

Still, Sally was right. I had been avoiding the issue at hand and with good reason: Sheila. The world was on the brink of global annihilation, but all I could think about was my girlfriend (well okay,
prospective
girlfriend). Had I known a year ago that I would be turned into one of the undead - and subsequently set in motion the chain of events that had occurred - I would have jumped in front of a bus.

Well, alright, maybe I wouldn’t have. But I would have at least made it a point to stay home that fateful night. Sally was a piece of ass, as were many of the other members of the coven I became a member (and eventual leader) of, but she had turned out to be every bit as dangerous as she was beautiful. Had I been thinking with my brain instead of my dick, my life would have continued down its boring, but predictably safe, path. It also wouldn’t have resulted in the girl of my dreams being transformed into my foretold nemesis...

“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying are you?” Sally sighed, interrupting my train of thought.

“And that’s different from every other time, how?” I quipped, earning another eye-roll.

Snickers from the front seat diverted her attention again. I knew she had a sense of humor, sick though it might be, but she never turned down an opportunity to remind my human friends how easily she could kill them. She took pleasure in tormenting Tom especially.

My thoughts veered again toward Sheila. She was the former administrative assistant at my job, now the owner of her own office efficiency company. She was also, coincidentally, the love of my life and the being I was destined to either kill or be killed by as predicted by vampire prophets. Relationships sure are a bitch.

It’s the same with most guys. One day we meet a girl and it just clicks for us. Whether it’s fate, pheromones, or our imaginations fucking with us, we find ourselves planning the rest of our lives around a person we just laid eyes on. A few eventually wind up together and happily live out that fantasy. Others, not so much. For some, I’m sure life just gets in the way. The desire is there, but the timing is never right (in other words, shit happens). As for the rest, even if they do end up together, reality eventually comes crashing in. They get old, fat, and grow to hate each other. Then there’s that very small
lucky
minority in which the girl turns out to be an equally legendary creature, one who is fated to send the other’s soul screaming to the dark Hell it deserves.

Guess which lottery I won.

Back to the Grind

“Drop us off at the loft,” Sally said to Ed. It was not a request.

We had avoided getting back to the discussion at hand during the remainder of our drive back from Pennsylvania. Between my banter with Sally and Tom’s general idiocy, she was distracted enough to keep from needling me about duties and whatnot. Unfortunately, my luck was about to run out.

“Us?”

“You heard me,” she said still facing forward. “You’ve had enough play time. You are officially back on the clock.”

“But...”

She turned and glared at me. “But
what
? Let me guess, you have important plans for the rest of tonight?”

“Well, sorta. I was going to...”

“If you say the name of that stupid game...what is it, War World?”

“World of Warcraft,” Ed corrected her.

“Thank you,” she replied, still facing me. “If you even think of saying that, I’m going to kick your ass right here.”

Damn. Either she knew me too well or she had my place bugged. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure which scenario was more likely.

“Ooh, can I watch?”

Sally turned to Tom, fangs bared. “I’ll throw in a beat-down for you too if you want, meat-sack.”

His mouth clamped shut and she turned her focus back to me.

“Well...” I stammered, trying to think of something else to say. Goddamnit, I hated when she was right. Unfortunately, she was right about a lot of things.

Sue me for being almost human, but I’m pretty sure the events of the past several weeks would’ve been too much for any sane person to endure.

I had been summoned to the world’s freakiest peace summit, up in northern Canada of all places, and had gotten my ass handed to me, both physically and otherwise, by a scumbag vampire named Francois and a foul-smelling Sasquatch chieftain called Turd. Regardless, in the end - through some minor miracle - it had all worked out and war looked to be averted. I was right on the verge of being the hero when suddenly it all hopped onto an express train to Hell.

Thanks to the misguided affections of Gan, a three-hundred year old vampire princess in a pint-sized body, Turd’s ugly-ass daughter wound up on the business end of a silver pig-sticker. I wouldn’t have minded much - being that a clause in our treaty specified I was expected to marry the hairy she-beast - except for that little bit at the end where they sort of took offense to her murder and declared war on the vampire nation. Yeah, that fucked me big time.

Adding to the stress was having one of our ruling body’s bigwigs, none other than Alexander the Great himself, outmaneuver me. The First Coven, our so-called leaders, is more widely known by the nickname
the Draculas
, and being outmaneuvered not only by one of the greatest military leaders of all time, but a senior member of that merry little bunch, wasn’t exactly something to hang your head about. It’s kind of like being bummed because you lost a game of Trivial Pursuit to Albert Einstein.

That Alex was happily looking forward to my part in the coming conflict wasn’t helping matters either. It was yet another stupid vampire prophecy they kept beating me over the head with -
The Freewill shall lead our armies against our enemies
or some such bullshit. As far as I was concerned, he could go fuck himself...not that I was about to say that to his face.

One would think that’d be enough to send me straight to the closest bar - intent on drowning my sorrows - but fate had one more kick to the balls in mind for me...Sheila

“It’s settled, then,” Sally said with a tone of finality - dragging me out of my reverie. “Bill and I are heading to the loft.”

“Need us to stick around?” Ed asked, drawing an exasperated sigh from me. Though his tone was innocent enough, there was little doubt of his ulterior motive. He and Sally had been dating behind my back for the past few months. Though they both claimed it was just casual, Ed had been on the receiving end of a vampire hickey from her while up in Canada. As psycho as it was - and believe me, a human trying to do anything with Sally may as well be on suicide watch - he was obviously positioning himself for an undead booty call.

“Nice try, stud,” she said. “But we have vampire business to discuss. You can stick around, but I can’t guarantee you won’t wind up an appetizer. Double that for the flesh-ball next to you.”

“Dropping off it is, then,” Ed took the hint, immediately ending that line of questioning. He was smart enough to know when not to push his luck.

“No problem,” Tom let the insult slide. “Besides, Christy said she’s gonna pop by later.”

Once we stopped, I’d considered shoving Sally out of the car and telling Ed to floor it. With the mention of his girlfriend’s name, though, Tom was able to completely reverse that plan of action. The undead aren’t the only ones with prophecies.

Vampires are far from being the only secret the world holds. Magic, monsters, and other fantastical shit - stuff that most of us assume exists only in the realm of movies, books, or role-playing games - is real. Not all of it, mind you, but enough to make most people crap their pants and run screaming for the hills. There is an underworld of horrific creatures existing all around us, hidden just out of plain sight. The rabbit hole goes pretty goddamn deep, too.

Christy is a witch, a real one. She can teleport, fire energy blasts, and control Tom with just a few sucks of his dick. Oh wait, any woman could do that last one.

Typically, vampires and mages are kind of like cats and dogs. Under some circumstances, they’ll tangle with one another, but most of the time they’re content to just go about their own business with a little posturing, but not much else. There are always exceptions, though.

I’m one of them, and that’s not just an ego thing to make the bulge in my pants look bigger. I’m what’s known as a Freewill, a rare type of vampire. In the distant past they led armies, crushed their enemies, and were generally even bigger dicks than normal vamps. Then, out of nowhere, they disappeared. No one knows why. For whatever reason, I’m the first in over half a millennium.

Thanks to that little detail, I’ve been number one on her coven’s hit list for a while now (the assholes stole the coven idea from vampires, by the way). The wizarding world has a pretty big Sword of Damocles hanging above their head in the form of their own prophesy surrounding vampire Freewills, lucky me.

Supposedly, my “birth” heralded the beginning of their end. They didn’t exactly take kindly to it either. Their first act, as way of introduction, was an attempt to fireball my ass into oblivion. All because my existence meant that the Icons would return.

Love Nest

“Stop here,” Sally commanded.

“We’re still six blocks away,” Ed argued, his eyebrows visibly raised in the rearview mirror.

“Exactly,” she said. “I have an image to maintain. No offense, but being dropped off after a night of paintball isn’t exactly the height of coolness.”

Ed shrugged and pulled over to the side, double parking in the process.

“I’ll see you guys later,” I said, stepping from the SUV. “Say hi to Christy for me.”

“Oh, I’ll do more than say hi,” Tom said with a creepy grin.

“Like I really needed to know that,” Sally groaned as she joined me on the sidewalk.

I smiled uneasily at Tom. He was one of my best and oldest friends, and I felt like a piece of shit lying to him, but it was for the best. When push came to shove, he was particularly bad at keeping things from Christy.

* * *

I had gotten lucky upon returning home the night I’d been
enlightened
as to the Icon’s identity. Tom had been out, which was good because the first thing I did upon walking in the door was spill my guts. Ed patiently sat through my pathetic soliloquy and, upon hearing me out, had suggested it might be best to keep my fucking mouth shut around Tom.

I felt bad in doing so. He was my bud and we didn’t keep things from each other...even stuff the other really didn’t want to know. Hell, I knew far too many disturbing details of his and Christy’s sex life as it was.

I wasn’t feeling too happy about keeping it from her either. Despite us getting off to a rocky start, we had managed to come to a somewhat peaceful coexistence as of late.

Christy becoming aware of my role in the Icon’s creation would probably undo all that progress, especially since I had managed to convince her I would have nothing to do with it. Sue me for not being psychic. Unfortunately, as far as I was aware, her coven, and more importantly their leader, Harry Decker, still wanted me dead. Though I was sure the truth would come out eventually, I saw no reason to give them any further fuel to add to that murderous fire.

* * *

“What should we do with this?” Ed gestured at the stolen SUV he was still driving.

Sally shrugged nonchalantly. “Keep it, sell it, burn it, I don’t give a shit what you do. But you might want to consider doing so before the cops find its owner...or what’s left of him.”

She flashed him a wicked grin and started walking. Ed turned a shade paler in the glow of the city lights. I offered him my best apologetic glance and turned to follow Sally.

* * *

“Where are you going?”

She veered down an unfamiliar side street before we were even halfway to the loft, one of the coven’s prime hangouts.

“Pit stop,” she replied before walking up to the entrance of a building and unlocking a few bolts.

“New digs?” I followed her up the stairs.

“Something like that.”

“Taking me up for an illicit encounter?”

She flipped me the finger over her shoulder and continued up. We arrived at the fifth floor, where a metal security door awaited. Sally punched a code into a keypad, produced a different key and unlatched another series of locks.

Intrigued, I followed her in.

“This is new,” I remarked while she flipped on the lights. With the exception of a few rooms, it was an open floor plan not entirely dissimilar to the loft. However, this place had a more Spartan, utilitarian feel. Heavy load-bearing columns broke up the main room. Thick bars adorned all the windows and there were odd symbols painted at intervals along the walls. “Let me guess, this is a sex dungeon and I’m your prisoner.”