Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) (3 page)

“Not even in your sickest fantasies.”

“You have no idea how sick some of my...”

“That wasn’t an invitation to enlighten me, Bill,” she walked into one of the rooms and closed the door behind her, the click of the lock echoing through the room.

I strolled over and casually gave the doorknob a jiggle. It didn’t budge.

“So what is this place?”

“You know,” said her voice from the other side, “you really should be concentrating on defending yourself rather than asking stupid questions.”

“Why?”

“The Alma are big, but they can be surprisingly quiet when they want to be.”

* * *

Oh shit!
I turned and put my back against the door, scanning the room for any sign of movement.

Alma was the Mongolian name for Sasquatch. They were the physical forms of forest spirits...big hairy physical forms that smelled like shit. Worse than that, they hated vampires and were more than capable of fucking one up six ways to Sunday. The undead might be physically powerful, but a half-ton of angry ape can go a long way toward tipping the odds.

“What the fuck did you do, Sally?” I tried to make it sound tough and failed miserably in the process. Had the Draculas captured one and sent it down here for me to train with? That didn’t sound so far-fetched. Older vampires can control younger ones psychically through a means known as compulsion. As far as I know, I’m the only one who’s immune to it. If a vampire of sufficient age wanted Sally to do something, she wouldn’t have much choice.

Normally when I think of compulsion, I imagine the vampire hierarchy using it to get chicks like her to open wide and say AH...but maybe that’s just me. I had to keep reminding myself that most other vamps used their powers for slightly more diabolical reasons.

It was possible this was punishment for me mouthing off constantly to those who outranked me. Either way if one of those foul-odored monstrosities got its hands on me before I could...

Wait!
A variety of scents filtered into my sensitive nostrils: Sally’s perfume, some mustiness from the air vents, and the vague scent of whatever cleaner had been used on the floor here...
Pine-sol,
maybe. Nothing that smelled like a walking fur coat dipped in diarrhea.

Still, that didn’t necessarily mean anything. They could have shampooed the goddamned thing just to throw me off. I crouched into a defensive position and continued watching the room.

There came a soft click from behind me - the lock on the door. Oh crap, was the Bigfoot in...

“What the fuck are you doing?” Sally asked before I could turn around.

I spun to face her, still attempting my best Kung-Fu stance, and my mouth dropped open. She wore a tight red, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress.

“Eyes up here, perv.”

It took me a second to compose myself. The fact that Sally is a prime piece of ass never failed to get my attention.

“But what about the Alma?”

“Don’t tell me you actually believed that,” she broke out in laughter.

“There’s no...”

“Of course not! What the hell would I be doing keeping one of those fucking things locked up in the middle of the city?”

“Then what is this place? Why are you dressed like that? Why did you tell me there was a Bigfoot here?”

“On that last one...why not?” she replied chuckling. “As for the others, welcome to our new safe house.” I raised an eyebrow as she continued. “Considering how Starlight blabbed about all our other secrets the last time she was up in Boston, I figured I’d keep this on the down low for now. We’re the only ones who know about it, and I’d prefer we keep it that way until we really need it.”

“Our own little love nest?”

“In your dreams, jackass,” she replied pushing past me.

It made sense, and I wished I’d thought of it. The coven owned numerous properties in the SoHo area of the city - some above ground, some below. All coven holdings were supposed to be on file up in Boston, the headquarters for vampire activity in the Northeastern US. However, it was generally tolerated that covens were allowed to keep a few off the books for safety purposes.

Unfortunately for us, Starlight - another vamp from my coven - had been brow beaten by a one of the Boston bigwigs into giving up all of our secrets some months back. The only place my group had been left in case of emergency was a safe house in Brooklyn we shared with the so-called Howard Beach Coven, a bunch of vampires who heavily disliked me.

Aside from that, there was also the apartment I shared with Tom and Ed. Needless to say, they weren’t too pleased knowing that in case of emergency, our living room was the designated safe zone for a pack of bloodthirsty monsters. I should have guessed Sally would eventually take steps to rectify that.

“This must have cost a pretty penny.” I said, taking in the view - including the room.

“Nothing the coven can’t cover,” she walked over to a full length mirror that hung on one wall. “You would know that if you ever bothered to look at our books.”

“I keep asking to see them. You’re the one who won’t let me.”

“Oh yeah, silly me. Forgot all about that. Never mind then. Just know that we’re not exactly hurting for cash.”

“Even with you at the helm?”

“
Especially
with me at the helm,” she continued to check herself out in the mirror. “If you think I’m bad, you should have seen how Jeff ran the place. That asshole spent money like it grew on trees. Hell, he probably kept half the coke dealers in the city employed.”

That wasn’t surprising. The late unlamented leader of my coven, Jeff, had been the Grand Moff of douchebags, surrounding himself with guys like him and girls that were eye-meltingly gorgeous. Pity for him he wasn’t a very good judge of character. Sally had been one of his minions at the time of my turning. It hadn’t worked out well for him.

Sadly, my reign over the coven consisted of much less grandeur on my own part. I got to play leader at any and all functions that might end with me getting my ass beaten - all the while keeping my day job as a programmer - while Sally got a black Amex and a corner suite in the office building where she managed the coven’s day to day affairs. She wasn’t shy about flaunting it, either. I had little doubt the hot number she was wearing probably cost more than I got in a paycheck. “Why are you dressed like that?”

“Because otherwise I’d be naked and your reality just doesn’t get that good.” Bitch!

“Not what I meant, Sally.”

“Fine. For starters, I have a reputation to uphold. By the way, if you even think of mentioning what we were doing tonight, I’ll stake you with the erection you’re probably sporting right now.”

How did she know I was...? Still, her threat
did
imply touching my dick. I briefly considered the possibilities before continuing.

“Fair enough,” I said. “We were out killing people. Is that better?”

“Much.” A small smile played out across her lips as she checked her hair. “Getting back to your original question, I want to look nice for the party.”

“Thank you. Was that so hard to just...wait,
what
party?”

“The one at the loft tonight, obviously.”

“There’s a party at the loft?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Why?”

She turned to face me. “If you have to ask for a reason to hold a party, then you obviously haven’t been invited to that many.”

“I thought you wanted to talk about...well, you know.”

“The Icon, A.K.A. that girl you like - what’s her name - Shannon...”

“Sheila!”

“Whatever. Don’t worry, we will. But first we need to unwind.”

“We?”

“Yes
we
, as in all of us. You’re obviously stressed. One doesn’t need eyes or ears to notice that. You’re practically wearing it like cologne. Not a particularly flattering one at that.”

“You try being all happy and cheery when...”

“Then there’s me. I have to listen to you complain, which isn’t doing wonders for my mental health. I mean do you see this?” She held up a strand of her blonde hair.

“Um, you’re going grey?”

She flashed her fangs in anger. “No, shit for brains. Worse...split ends! Even with Alfonso’s care, I’m practically falling apart here.”

Alfonso was Sally’s favorite stylist. Before our little jaunt up to Canada, she had taken the liberty of turning his smarmy ass into her undead minion.

“Yes, you’re obviously suffering,” I quipped, watching her pull out a lipstick tube.

“Don’t be an ass,” she puckered her lips and applied the glossy red color. “Then there’s the coven, or have you forgotten about them?”

“They’re kind of hard to forget about.”

“You could’ve fooled me. You haven’t exactly been leading by example since we got back.”

“I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

“Yeah, well, while you sit behind your computer jerking off to German porn, I have to deal with them all. Between half of them getting wiped out the last time that little bitch Gan was in town and you pulling a disappearing act, things have been getting out of hand. I caught Dread Stalker trying to organize a hunting party the other day. You know how
that
would have turned out, right?”

I nodded. Dread Stalker had been one of Jeff’s favorites. He was a vicious killer wrapped in the form of a long-haired male model. The body count had been steady under Jeff’s rule, keeping the bloodsucker in check. But when I took over and tried to curtail the blatant murdering that went on...well, you try telling a pride of lions that gazelles are off the menu.

“I was half tempted to let him go, but knew you’d probably whine about it.”

“Whine about it? Sorry that I take offense at people being killed like cattle.”

“Omelets and eggs,” she waved a hand around. “So, anyway, I figured we all needed a break. Besides, they wanted to celebrate the good news.”

“What good news?”

“Well...”

“Spill it, Sally.”

She hesitated. “I sort of let what happened up north slip out.”

Burning Down the House

“You
what
?”

Back when we arrived home from the frozen wasteland that is Canada - fresh from hearing the declaration of the impending global Armageddon - we’d decided it would be best to not share the
wonderful
news with the rest of the coven. Some of the more violent members of our merry little group weren’t particularly happy with me as of late. Curbing their murder sprees didn’t make me number one on their friend lists.

That Sally had apparently announced to the group that their illustrious leader had managed to incompetently fuck them all over by starting a war wasn’t exactly music to my ears. I found myself starting to wonder if this little soiree of hers wasn’t going to be a going away (permanently) party for me.

“I was starting to get questions, mostly about where you were, what was going on, et cetera. I figured a little good news would keep them distracted.”

“You have an interesting definition of good news,” I swung my arms in frustration. “Hey guys, guess what? We’re all gonna be overrun by giant fucking monkeys. Let’s party!”

“You really are a negative Nancy, you know that?”

“Enlighten me as to the bright side, oh wise one,” I spat back.

“It’s not the information itself that’s important - it’s all about perception. Hell, turn on Fox news at six PM and tell me that’s not true.”

I couldn’t argue with that one.

“I gave the coven an
edited
version of the events up north,” she explained, “starting with your
brilliant
battle against the Sasquatch leader in which your Freewill powers proved the deciding factor.”

“Turd?”

“I left out his name. Figured that would blunt some of the impact.” She stopped to adjust one of her high heels, continuing her tale once she was finished. “Following their pathetic defeat, they begged for peace, not wishing to risk your wrath.”

“Spreading on the bullshit a little thick, aren’t you?”

“Yep, and they ate it like it was filet mignon. Now stop interrupting me. Finally, the vampire nation agreed to a new treaty, but you would have none of that. You stood up and inspired us all with a speech, reminding us of the glory of old - how we were once conquerors, a people to be feared. With you at the helm and the might of the Draculas behind you, we could reclaim our former station in life. Thus said, you stood, drew your dagger and slew their leader, proclaiming that from this day forth we would no longer be content with hiding in the shadows.”

“Uh huh. For starters, that was Nergui, and it was Turd’s daughter he killed.”

“So what? It’s not like either of them are gonna contradict you.”

She had a point there. Nergui, Gan’s chief assassin, had murdered the Bigfoot leader’s daughter to satisfy his mistress’s insane desire to keep me for herself. His mission accomplished, he had done nothing to stop the other Sasquatches from tearing him limb from limb for his crimes.

The only ones who knew the truth were...well, the shitload of beings who’d attended the peace conference. Still, I had to remind myself that I ran one little coven in the grand scheme of things. Considering most of the vamps under my leadership were vacuous douchebags, it wasn’t surprising the rest of the supernatural world didn’t exactly keep them in the loop.

“And they believed all of that?” I asked.

“Yep, and even if some of them didn’t, they’re not going to call you out on it.”

“And now, in addition to all the other crap they believe about me, they think I’m going to lead them to some glorious vampire ruled future?”

“Yep. Congratulations, Bill. As far as Village Coven is concerned, you are officially the undead messiah.”

Why didn’t that exactly inspire me with confidence?

* * *

As we began our walk to the loft, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. It made me wish I had spent more time working out. On top of all of that, though, there was one more tiny detail to add to my growing list of personal baggage.

“Couldn’t have told me in advance about the party, could you?” I glanced down at my jacket and camo sweatpants that contrasted with Sally’s heels, tight dress and well-coifed hair.