Home From Within (34 page)

They ate dinner at a neighborhood steak house, and the talk mingled around gentle topics because the rawness in everyone was palpable. Jessica ordered a glass of red wine, thinking it would relax the shoulder muscles that now radiated pain up to her earlobes. Jason put his arm on the back of Jessica’s chair and pulled closer to her.

“Are you all right? I’ve never seen you drink before.”

Jessica pressed her head slightly against his. “Just need to relax.”

The wine was winding around Jessica, making her feel blotted out. She removed herself from all conversation and continued taking big sips of the second glass she ordered. Aunt Lodi gave her a look, but Jessica smiled confidently, making herself appear perfectly in control.

As she threw up the third glass in the stall of the steak house bathroom, Jessica heard a dizzy voice call her a whore and a liar. Of course she would hurt Matt, why would she think otherwise? She hated herself. Hated the fear that chained her to the UP, hated the belief that love and death were one, hated being thirty-four and still so shortsighted.

“Jessica, are you in there?” Aunt Lodi’s voice whispered in front of the stall door.

Jessica placed her hands on the sides of the cold metal walls and pulled her head upward. “Yes. I just need a few.”

After a minute, Aunt Lodi punched her hand under the door with wet and dry paper towels. Jessica took them without words and concentrated on the shuffle of Aunt Lodi’s feet exiting the bathroom.

It took every piece of self-control to keep Jessica from throwing up on the car ride home. Jason held her hand as they made their way up the back steps and in through the patio doors. Her mother gave Jessica a grim look after she turned on the kitchen lights and told her she needed to go to bed.

Jessica turned on her heels with Jason in tow. “Really? Go to bed? Are you trying to cast me away again?”

Her mother’s face looked weary. “I can see you need some sleep.”

“Yeah, like seventeen years.”

Jessica caught sight of Paulina’s head jerking up and stopped. This was not the time or place for such exposure.

“Jason, could you help . . . ?”

“Yep, thinking the same thing,” Jason said, interrupting Aunt Lodi.

Jason led Jessica upstairs to the guest room but not before Jessica purposefully halted, hanging onto the doorframe of her old bedroom.

“A door. Look, Jason, a door.” Jessica opened and closed it over and over as Jason and eventually Paulina looked on. “You’re so lucky to have a door,” Jessica said to Paulina.

“Come on, crazy lady,” Jason said, playfully prying Jessica away from the doorframe and guiding her toward the guest room. Jessica tumbled on top of the guest bed, and Jason pulled the comforter around her sprawling body.

“Thank you,” she whispered, eyes closed, head starting to spin.

Around three in the morning, Jessica woke up with the Sahara Desert in her mouth. She gingerly pushed off the bed and steadied herself before hobbling to the washroom. Feeling completely confined by her clothing, she tore off the garments she whored herself out in and started the shower, opening her mouth wide as water filled up and spilled out. Jessica put her arms out like Paul told her he did when he was on the front lawn of his home, letting the rain wash away her memory. Jessica lifted her face to take the brunt of the shower jet. After an hour, she finally felt clean. She brushed her teeth, gargled with mouthwash, than wrapped her body in a plush white robe. As the birds welcomed the morning sun, Jessica lit the fire pit in the backyard and burned the clothing she had worn, including the shoes and belt.

Jessica breathed in the morning air that mingled with smoke.
Enough,
she thought to herself.
Enough of screwing up my life and the men I love.
Jessica had spent much of her adult life trying to figure out what she needed—safety, to be a loving mom, and forgiveness—but did not question the other side of the coin: what did
she
really want?

Paul was married to Alicia, and they had children together. Jessica did not want his family to break apart because of their choice to make love. She could not bear the thought of living with another unintended consequence. Paul could not be a part of her life because she loved Matt. Matt and the life they created together was where she was supposed to be. Where she wanted to be. It was home.

For the first time in her life, Jessica felt that she was in control of her fate. She would navigate the rough and troubled waters like a wise captain, not a seasick mate. Jessica folded her hands and closed her eyes, thanking God for the blessing he had bestowed upon her: insight.

After Jessica made sure the fire was a smolder, she turned back toward the house and saw her mother standing on the deck, wearing her makeup and outfit for the day.

A surge of anxiousness overcame Jessica, but she moved it aside, ready to conquer without regret.

“I needed to do some cleansing,” Jessica said before her mother had a chance to speak.

“Seventeen years’ worth?” her mother stated rather than asked.

Their eyes met and after a few seconds, her mother looked past her.

“Did you put the fire out?”

Jessica continued to stare at her mother. “Yes.”

Her mother stood like a wax figure and then finally whispered, “Thank you,” and turned to enter the house.

Jessica decided to send Paul a text asking to meet today. As she lay underneath the covers almost asleep, her phone vibrated.

“Can we meet in Ponybrook? A diner called Pop’s . . . 11:00 a.m.?”

It had been a long time, but Jessica remembered that Ponybrook was a rural town about fifty miles from the city. Her father belonged to a gun club there.

She texted “yes” then drifted off into sound slumber.

Around eight o’clock, Jessica got out of bed to start her day. After taking another shower and lathering nourishing lotion on her body, she proceeded to the kitchen to delight in a homemade breakfast.

“Boy, you’re awfully happy this morning,” Jason commented.

Paulina started laughing. “I guess it’s because I have a door.”

Jessica smiled with the knowledge that the chains that bound her for so long had finally broken off.

After breakfast, in the basement bedroom, Jessica delivered the news to Aunt Lodi about what she and Paul did, and that Matt also knew. Aunt Lodi was sitting cross-legged on the bed and became very still before she spoke.

“I’m not sure what hurts more, thinking about how Matt is taking this or what’s going to happen to Paulina. You have definitively affected the only person she calls ‘Dad.’”

Shame was knocking on Jessica’s door again, but she would not let it enter. “I love Matt. You have to believe me. I fell into the past but I won’t make that mistake again. I’m meeting with Paul in a few hours to find out what he wants to do about Paulina.”

Aunt Lodi looked at her deeply, and Jessica felt raw with Aunt Lodi’s eyes set on her face. “I was right, all those years back—you really do have two loves.”

Around midmorning, Paulina and Aunt Lodi packed up their vehicles to return to the UP, each eager to get back to a life they abruptly left. Jessica was desperate to do the same but knew she needed to write the ending on a novel called Paul.

Jessica texted Matt but got no response. She finally left a voice message begging him to not tell Paulina anything until they talked, expressing how much regret she had for her actions and beseeching a second chance. Then she called Marilee.

“I need a big favor. I’ll tell you everything later. For right now, can you be my alibi?”

Before Jessica left for Ponybrook, Aunt Lodi took her aside and said she had spoken to Matt. Aunt Lodi explained that she was honest with Matt and told him that Paulina’s father was alive, that he was the man standing on the porch steps. “Matt agreed to not disrupt Paulina’s world until you guys figure out the next step.”

“Did it sound like he hates me?” Jessica asked.

“Nope,” Aunt Lodi said. “It’s pain.”

C
hapter
27

Jessica navigated to Pop’s and pulled into the gravel parking lot that was filled with trucks that reflected a farming community, and before getting out of her vehicle, Jessica once again relied on prayer to give her the strength and courage to do the right thing. As she walked toward the diner, she spotted Paul sitting next to the window running from the floor to the ceiling. He also caught sight of her and gave an apprehensive smile.

Jessica made her way toward his table, saying, “Hi,” as she slid into the booth across from him.

“Hey,” Paul said, then paused for a moment. “I figured we shouldn’t be alone again.”

Despite her new confidence, Jessica started to blush.

“Plus I don’t want to get spotted together. Alicia’s upset you’re back.”

Jessica’s eye widened. “You told her?”

“Yeah.”

“Everything?”

“No. Only about your dad. And our kid. But not about the other,” said Paul.

The silence barrier grew until a waitress asked if she’d like something. “Just an iced tea. Thanks.”

Paul adjusted himself in his seat. “Jessica . . .”

“No, wait,” she said. “Can I talk first?”

He nodded.

Jessica took a deep breath and blew it out slowly before she started. “Paul, you were my first love. And while I’ll always carry a part of your love in my heart, most of my heart belongs to someone else now.”

“Yeah, I think we met.”

Jessica scrunched her face, feeling shameful again. “His name’s Matt. We’ve been together many years. Truthfully, I’m unsure where we stand right now, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to get him back. And he’s the only father Paulina knows.”

“Paulina,” Paul said with a small smile.

Jessica lifted her eyes to meet his.

“Is Matt a good dad?” Paul asked.

“Matt’s the best dad.” Jessica stopped herself from sharing all the ways Matt was the best, not wanting to hurt Paul more deeply.

They sat in silence while the waitress placed the iced tea with a straw on the table and then left.

“Does Paulina love him like a dad?”

“Yes. She loves him very much.”

Paul stared into Jessica’s eyes but had a look of intense thought.

“And what about you? Are you happy?”

Jessica wanted to pull away but could feel how important it was for her to be present in the moment.

“Yes, very much.”

The waitress came back to refill Paul’s coffee and asked if they needed anything else. Once she left, Paul looked back at Jessica.

“Remember when I told you about my dad and the other dads after him giving me a selfless gift?”

Jessica nodded, remembering how unsettling those words sounded to her.