Home From Within (33 page)

Jessica couldn’t help but notice the family portrait of Paul, his wife, and kids on a bookshelf in the living room. Paul followed Jessica’s stare and asked if she would like to see it. Before Jessica could respond, Paul was up and removing the picture from the bookshelf. He looked at it with a big smile and sat back down, not passing it off to Jessica but turned it so she could look at the picture from afar. Jessica’s breath hitched when noticing how much his children resembled Paulina: deep blue eyes, auburn hair, and rosy cheeks. She inhaled to get her breathing on track, taking notice that his wife looked a lot like a girl they went to high school with.

“This is Lexi, she’s thirteen, Garret’s eleven, and Conner is six,” Paul said proudly, “and my wife, Alicia, you may remember her from high school.”

“Didn’t she date Danny?” Jessica asked as her heart started to ache again.

“Yeah, but he didn’t know how to treat a girl, and you were gone, so we found each other.” He looked away for a minute and then back again. “Quite frankly she took the sting away from you leaving.”

Tears filled Jessica’s eyes. “I never left because I wanted to.” Jessica put her head down and a small tear fell. “When my parents found out I was pregnant, well, actually the night my father found out, they sent me away. My mother packed my bags and I was put in the car headed to my Aunt Lodi’s in Michigan. I was led to believe my father killed you,” she said with a slight grin. “I think my father believed that he was saving me, keeping me safe from your bad habits. I also think he was embarrassed, his only daughter pregnant at sixteen, under his watch. He couldn’t handle that.” Jessica looked to see how Paul was reacting but couldn’t read his face. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Paul, who started shaking his head slightly, spoke.

“Your dad saved me.”

“What?” Jessica said in disbelief.

“Your dad saved me,” Paul said, meeting her eyes. “After you left, I ran myself into the ground. I took off with Gary and all we did was get drunk and high. When I came back a few months later, I still got drunk and high, but I started selling coke and fighting. One night, guys in an unmarked picked me up. I had marijuana and coke on me. I thought they were gonna bust me but they drove me around instead. They took me on patrol and talked to me. They did this to me for months: busting me, taking me on patrol, and talking to me. Finally I gave in. I remember the night: it was windy and raining. I could not stop looking at the rain; it felt like I was getting baptized. It was at that moment that I decided I needed to get my life in order. When they dropped me off in front of the house, I stood on the grass in the rain with my arms out and hands up. I looked up at that stormy sky and closed my eyes. I let the rain wash away everything that I had done bad. I even let it wash away you.” Jessica was crying softly as she pulled Kleenex from her purse to dab her eyes and nose.

“One of those ‘cops’ was your dad.” Paul paused for a moment. “Your dad could’ve sent me to jail, but instead he showed me that I could be a man, that I could have a legal career. I’m a cop because of your dad. Your dad thought he was protecting you by sending you away. He didn’t know any better. Just like my dad, or Marcus’s, or Danny’s. They knew they weren’t responsible men; no way could they teach us how to be one, so they left for our sake. They gave us the only selfless gift they could.”

Jessica soaked in his words. “Are you saying you agree with my father sending me away?”

“You see my daughter Lexi?” Paul pointed to her in the picture. “I have
so
much love and protective feelings for her. If she told me she was pregnant at sixteen and I found out the shithead was selling drugs, had no dad in his life, and didn’t know how to be a man, I think I may have done the same thing.”

“You make it sound as if you were a loser, someone who belonged in jail.”

“Back then I wasn’t on the straight and narrow. Don’t you remember that about me?”

“I know we were opposites with drugs and stuff, but not in connection. You opened me up. I lost my virginity to you. Do you think I would do that with a loser?”

Jessica felt Paul look at her with love for the first time since they saw each other again. “No. I know you didn’t think I was a loser, but
I
didn’t think I was good enough to be with you. Being with you made me feel like I
could
be someone, you know, like someone normal. You were the healthiest thing in my life, but your dad gave me something that I craved—a role model. He mentored me without me really knowing why. I always wanted to ask him but I rarely saw him after that. Plus, I had no idea he was your dad. I knew him as Big Jim. Eddie Ripp told me he died but didn’t tell me his last name. I figured it out after the funeral.”

Jessica paused for a few moments, letting every word become clearer in her head. “So my father, Big Jim, saved you because he mentored you and you’re grateful.” Jessica gauged her words carefully. “I wish I could be that insightful, but I’m full of anger and shame. I believed you were dead, by the hands of my own father. All these years I have lived my life with your death blanketing every moment. What you’re telling me, my father ‘saving you,’ that’s great, but he didn’t save me from a life of sadness. He made me believe he killed you.”

Jessica and Paul were locked in a stare until Jessica spoke again. “I was wrong to believe you were dead, and even more terrible for not making an effort to come back to Chicago and search for you. And right now I’m so afraid you hate me.” Jessica could not hold down the sob. Paul moved in closer, his family picture sliding to the floor. He clasped her hand. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” He looked at her deeply. “You were my first love, and truthfully, a piece of my heart is still yours.” Jessica looked at those eyes, those eyes that drove her crazy at fifteen and were still making her heart jump at thirty-four. Before she could soak in the moment, Paul moved in closer and kissed her softly on the lips. They were wet with tears. When Jessica tasted the saltiness, it baited her desire of wanting him completely again. Paul’s lips spoke to her, telling her he needed to take away her pain, to love her in the innocent way he did years ago, when they were young and naïve. Paul took her face gently into his hands. “You are still so beautiful,” he sang softly. He leaned in again but this time the kiss was longer. Jessica’s heart decided to take her head for a ride. She was sixteen, in Paul’s basement, making love to the only boy she ever felt true love for.

C
hapter
26

The chimes of the clock in the basement rang four times, jerking her back to reality. She needed to return to her mother’s house immediately, knowing everyone would be waiting for her to eat dinner. Her head felt burdened, realizing the load of questions that would be knocked into her by Paulina, in public, and Aunt Lodi in private, as to her whereabouts since last night. She didn’t feel strong enough to pull off the lie she would now have to make up. And the other looming reality that she was unable to block out: that she lived in Michigan with a man named Matt, and that he was a good and loyal man and this would break his heart. Jessica started to ache over a new shade of shame.
How could I do this to him? How could I betray him like this?
The relief and excitement she felt only minutes ago briskly departed. Jessica lifted Paul’s arm and leg off of her. He twitched a little but remained in the same spot. She grabbed her clothing from the far wall it was tossed toward and put it on hastily.

The honeymoon was over.

Jessica held onto her belt and didn’t put her shoes on thinking it would be better to tiptoe out the door, as if she’d never been there. Taking one last glance at Paul, Jessica imaged being wrapped up to his naked body and hearing him tell her how beautiful she was again, touching her in all the right places, and kissing her gently all over her body. Tears came to her eyes as she opened the front door and stepped onto the porch, holding her shoes, purse, and belt. After carefully closing the door, she turned to climb down the steps and there he was. She thought her guilty mind was playing a trick on her so she shook her head, only to see the same image. He was parked directly behind her truck. He looked at her for a few seconds then turned away.
This is not happening, this is not happening,
was all Jessica could think. Her body started to tremble and needles poked through her skin. As she walked down the steps, she felt her legs about to give way so she grabbed onto the railing for support, finally making it to the bottom. Jessica walked towards his truck, her hands shaking and breathing labored.

“What are you doing . . . ?”

“What are
you
doing?” Matt asked. His face was tense. “Why are you carrying your shoes and belt?”

“Um.” Jessica looked at the items as if they held the answer Matt was looking for. As she continued to go through a Rolodex of lies in her head, she heard a screen door squeak open. There, standing half-naked, was Paul. His bottom half was wrapped in a small blanket from the couch. Jessica’s eyes got big. Matt’s eyes, however, got small. He looked Paul’s way and then back at Jessica. The look of tension was gone, and his face became flushed as his eyes started to cloud up. He shook his head slowly, as if he also could not believe this was happening.

“Matt,” Jessica whispered, tears rushing down her face. She tried to reach into the cab of his truck to touch his shoulder but he waved her off. He started the engine and sped away, making a loud screeching noise. Jessica’s water-streaked face looked over as Paul stood on the stairs. He looked confused but stayed on the porch. Despite a strong instinct to run to him for comfort, she turned, got into her truck, and drove off slowly toward her mother’s house, leaving Paul standing on the front porch to piece together what just went down.

“Where have you been?” Paulina and her mother asked at the same time in the same tone.

Jessica cringed at their voices. “I met with some old friends.”

“What friends? Marilee called here twice,” her mother said.

Jessica opened her mouth to respond, but Aunt Lodi jumped in. “Oh, who cares who she met up with. I’m starved. Let’s care about a mouth-watering piece of steak.”

“What about Matt?” Paulina asked.

Jessica froze upon hearing his name.

“Did he meet up with you?”

Jessica started to feel nauseous. “Meet up with me?”

“Yeah. When he got off the expressway, he saw your truck parked on the side. I was talking to him on his cell and he asked who you were visiting, but I didn’t know. He said he was gonna surprise you.”

“No, I didn’t see him,” Jessica said quickly, trying to select lies she could support. “I’ll call and see where he’s at.”

Jessica asked for ten minutes so she could call Matt and use the washroom. As she took a long look in the mirror, she was not surprised by the red-rimmed eyes or the puffy face. An attempt was made to cover up the pain by placing a cold washcloth on her face. However this only caused her to hyperventilate. She finally settled on cover-up and mascara.

Jessica lied, saying she spoke to Matt and he had to get back to the farm; there was a problem with some of the horses. He was sorry and sends his regrets. Aunt Lodi was the only one who gave her a disbelieving look.