Home From Within (40 page)

Marilee stopped for a minute to pull out a canister of water. After a big swallow, she said, “I get it,” looking up the tree Jessica had her hands planted on. “They have some sort of quality, I agree.”

“When I was younger, I remember running through the woods with Jason and feeling free. And the trees were my protectors. Kinda like angels.”

“A dose of protection without the Mace.”

Jessica laughed out loud, something that surprised her, finally being able to make light of the Mace that was her father’s idea of protection.

They continued toward the tumbling sounds of water, eventually climbing the multiple rock formations to find a place they could sit on without falling into the rapids. Marilee took a load of pictures while Jessica closed her eyes and tipped her face toward the sun, taking cleansing breaths, thanking God for the beauty of nature, and again asking for Matt’s forgiveness.

“Are you still with me?”

Jessica’s eyes jerked opened as she set her focus on Marilee, who was sitting only inches away from her face. “Oh, sorry. I was just praying. You know, thankful for all we have and asking for a small gift.”

Marilee nodded. “You’re a strong believer still.”

“Oh yes. Sometimes prayers were the only thing that got me through many lonely days and nights in my home. You guys were always the same way—church every Sunday.”

“You know us Catholics—church every Sunday or guilt. But seriously, my parents were really good at laying a solid foundation for us to follow, and I have followed it, with my kids, every Sunday. But we don’t prepare those huge breakfasts like we used to, unless we go to Mom and Dad’s.”

After exploring the area and resting to eat lunch, the girls headed back toward the farm so Jessica could drop Marilee off for her horseback riding adventure.

Jessica’s palms started to sweat as her heart tap-danced the closer she got to the driveway. It was as if nervousness was brimming from all areas of her body, including her toes, which were unexpectedly cramping up. Jessica took intentional breaths to get back into the rhythm of ease, daydreaming of Matt seeing her and letting the burden of the past fall away.

“I’ll let you off on the side of the road, so all you have to do is walk up that driveway.”

Marilee smiled as Jessica pulled the truck over, making a cloud of dust on the gravel road. “Thank you, my dear,” Marilee said as she slid out of the truck. “I’ll be back in what, two hours?”

“Sure,” Jessica said, stretching her neck to see if she could spot Matt. “Actually it will be more like three.”

“Sounds great.”

Jessica watched Marilee hike up the draw in the hill and then glide down, eventually out of sight. After one more glance around the property line, Jessica pulled onto the road and headed back to Aunt Lodi’s house. She hated the stretch of silence Matt was exposing her to, and she had to remember how to be patient. But with no end in sight, Jessica started contemplating telling Paulina the truth, believing Paulina would finally question why she’d stayed away for so long and why Matt didn’t go to Aunt Lodi’s to visit. Although Jessica lied a few times, telling Paulina about visiting the farm when she was at school, riding the horses, and helping Matt with his lengthy to-do list, Jessica would always call Matt and leave a message, asking him to back up her lie so that Paulina didn’t question their lack of togetherness. But backing up lies was not the way Jessica wanted to run their relationship; after her cathartic experience at her mother’s home, all she wanted was to be on her new path of freedom from within. Lies were not welcome.

Jessica filled her idle time with a nap, shower, and rereading a section of the newspaper she did not pay close attention to in the morning, realizing that Marilee enjoyed noise, preferably her own, early in the morning before coffee.

Aunt Lodi returned from work, drank some tea, and then changed her clothes, excited about spending time out with the “girls.”

“Tell me when Paulina gets here so I can hunch over a little when I walk.”

Those words were still floating in the air when Marilee stepped onto the front porch, without Paulina.

“She was running a little late—has a date with Jake.”

“Oh,” Jessica said, feeling left out of the daily details of her daughter’s world.

“Jessica, I had a great time,” Marilee gushed, moving Jessica back into the now. “The land you live on is gorgeous. I was in awe at all the colors from one section to the next. It was like a quilt, you know, a section of green over here, then a section of brown, then yellow. Loved it! Although I think I really do have an allergy to horses. I sneezed about twenty times while we were riding and I gotta be frank, my ass is hurting so bad and I can barely pull my legs together. I feel so bowlegged.”

Jessica laughed out loud.

“Don’t get me wrong, it was awesome, but my body’s not so sure.”

Jessica held her tongue, letting Marilee roll out her experiences in sequence, before asking about Matt. By this time, the girls had made their way to the guest room and Marilee sprawled on top of the bed, looking like she was about to make a snow angel in the comforter.

“There are muscles in my butt I didn’t know existed,” Marilee said.

Jessica heard her best friend’s moans but could only concentrate on one thing.

“Matt?” Jessica said, again trying to push away the nervousness.

Marilee’s face changed when Matt was mentioned, and she slowly sat up on her elbows.

“Well I met him, I mean Paulina introduced us. I tried to chat but he was too busy with farm stuff.”

“Did he seem disinterested in talking to you?”

Marilee was silent for a few seconds. “Yeah, a little. He was working hard, you could tell by the dirt and stuff on his overalls, but he also seemed distant, not really wanting to take our conversation deeper.”

Jessica frowned as she took on the weight of what felt like another rejection.

“But I chased him down anyway.”

Jessica turned to look at Marilee, who had a huge smile on her face.

“So he finally did talk to me. I was able to get away from Paulina for a few minutes, but he really was not interested in talking about you. He never came right out and said that, but I could see how uncomfortable he was with me just mentioning you and our history together. He seemed bothered with me telling him how much he means to you and that what happened in Chicago was two people who never got closure.”

Jessica mulled over what Marilee was saying. “Did he seem upset that you knew all this information?”

“I wouldn’t say upset, just unsure.”

The guest room became darker by each minute passing as the sun was now beneath the windowsill and sending a cold shiver in its path.

“Jess,” Marilee said as she gently rolled over onto her side slowly sitting up. “I can tell he loves you. I’m just not sure he knows what he’s supposed to do next.”

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31

Aunt Lodi and Jean excused themselves to say hi to some people they knew while Jessica and Marilee winced at a man butchering a Springsteen song. Marilee grabbed the binder of songs and started flipping through the pages, trying to find the perfect one they could sing to.

“You don’t really think I’m going up there, do you?” Jessica said.

“Hey, we’re all in this together.”

Jessica tried not to show her hesitation, afraid of ruining Marilee’s fun.

“Oh my God, remember this one?” Marilee exclaimed as she happened upon the pages with all eighties music.

Jessica didn’t feel the same nostalgia as Marilee about eighties music. Due to her lack of exposure to entertainment while growing up, the only artists that she had a history with were Prince and Johnny Cash, and both of those had Paul attached.

Marilee continued to talk in her trademark loud voice about all the songs they had to choose from while Jessica pulled away, not sure if this was where she was meant to be. She tried not to allow her depression to eclipse the moment. She knew better but it was hard to push against the wave of sorrow that had Matt’s face attached. The fact that he did not want to speak about her with Marilee was not too surprising—Matt was a private man. But that he seemed so disinterested in talking about her was hard to swallow. Jessica reminded herself that time can heal some wounds, but she also felt that she may have to let go, unable to take back what she did, unable to control what happened next.

“Hey, did you hear me? What do you think about this song?” Marilee’s voice brought Jessica back to reality.

“Oh, let’s see,” she said, faking excitement.

As the evening progressed and they listened to one choppy song after another, cheering loudly for the worst singers, Marilee finally persuaded them to get up and sing. It was last call, which meant they were the last song to perform that night. Dragging her body onto the dance floor, Jessica hated how vulnerable she felt in front of everyone and stood halfway behind Aunt Lodi, trying to hide herself from direct light. After their rendition of “Respect” by Aretha Franklin was complete, Jessica bounded off the floor and tucked herself back into the corner seat. Jean and Aunt Lodi were all smiles because they were so proud that they had enough nerve to actually get up there and sing, both firsts for them. They clinked their glasses in celebration and went to the bar to get more water before heading home. Marilee turned toward Jessica with an expression of joy, but it vanished after setting her eyes on Jessica’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

Jessica put her hands over her eyes that were now collecting tears and tried to wipe them before they fell. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to spoil your night.”

“This isn’t my night—it’s everyone’s.”

“I know. I just can’t get my mind past what you said about Matt. I just feel so lost and alone right now.”

“I’m sorry, Jess,” Marilee said, pulling the chair next to hers to rub the middle of her back. “Look, if you and Matt break up, you’ll learn from it and move on, right? You’ve been through worse and look how you overcame it. You’re a strong woman. You’ll find a way to make it.”

Jessica never thought of herself as a strong woman and was surprised by the way the words pumped a brief amount of adrenaline through her veins, but the thought of Matt leaving her left her wide open. The tears were coming at a faster pace, so she told Marilee she needed a few minutes alone and excused herself to the restroom.

Jessica tried to look chipper as she waited for a few girls who were putting on lipstick and fixing their hair to leave. Once they did, she cupped her hands underneath the sink and placed cool water on her face, not caring about the mascara streaks running down it. She heard a faint husky voice start singing on and off through the bathroom doors as she started falling apart. Marilee’s words, because of a short supply of faith at the moment, left her feeling hopeless. As Jessica ripped paper towels from the dispenser in an attempt to wipe the blackness from her face, she was again drawn to that husky voice, standing completely still so she could make out the music that sounded so familiar. After a few seconds, she realized she was hearing “The Beautiful Ones” by Prince. Jessica placed the towels back on her face, rubbing a little harder and wondering who was singing that song here.

The voice faltered but then sounded stronger, almost pulsating through the wood. Jessica realized she recognized the voice. At that moment, the bathroom door swung open and Aunt Lodi stepped in. “Do you hear that?”

Jessica nodded, feeling love awaken in her soul.

“Well, get out there.”

Jessica followed Aunt Lodi as they walked back into the dining room area. Patrons and acquaintances surrounded the dance floor while Marilee and Jean were standing by the karaoke table, holding onto each other, amazed at what they were seeing.

Jessica peeked from behind Aunt Lodi, not sure how she should be reacting, then moved to Aunt Lodi’s side so she could be in full view.

The words she knew well and the image she dreamt of over and over during her teenage years while lying next to her pile of pillows was actually happening. A boy was singing this song to her because he loved her so much and he did not want to lose her to another.

He looked awkward, microphone in hand, singing toward where Jessica was standing, but needing to look at the words in order to sing them properly. Jessica was drawn to how attractive he looked in his dark wash jeans and plaid shirt, how tall his frame was, and how his voice made her feel comforted.