Home Is Wherever You Are (14 page)

"We told her," Daniel gasped and tried to catch his breath to finish, "that you liked her."

"What?" Josh shouted. "You guys told me she like me!"

Reed was trying to climb back into his seat, but was only able to pull the seat cushion down. He gave up and just leaned on the cushion, sitting on the floor. "I know!" Reed giggled again.

"We thought you'd be good for her," Daniel said.

"Boy, were we wrong!" Reed laughed.

"She needed a friend, and you both were single," Daniel started giggling again, "But then she freaked out."

"Freaked out?" I asked.

"Went nuts!" Reed said.

"You should've seen her," Daniel said, gasping for air again, as he started to slide down out of his chair. "The day after I told her, she, she, she…"

"She was covered in mud!" Reed laughed. "And then she picked her nose!"

"What the hell?" Josh asked.

"What are you guys talking about?"

"When they told me Addy liked me, I thought I'd let her down easy and ask her to just be friends. I'm four years older than her. She was seventeen, and I was twenty-one. I figured it was a crush. I knew she'd had a rough go of things with her mom, but when I showed up, she was a dirty mess. I felt so bad that I didn't say anything to her, not wanting to hurt her feelings."

"It was hilarious!" Reed shouted. "The way those two tiptoed around each other was hysterical!"

"You should've seen it. I swear, Reed, we'd better leave the matchmaking to the women, because we just made a mess!"

"Literally!" Reed laughed. "You should've seen it, Matthew. I'd never seen a girl turn so grubby so fast. I don't know where she'd found that much dirt, but she did, and she rolled in it."

"She was just trying to turn Josh off," Daniel laughed.

"Well, it worked!" Josh snapped. "That was cruel. You guys freaked her out and had me feeling all weird around her." Josh turned to me, "She doesn't really have a gastrointestinal problem, does she?"

I shook my head no at him. "She's perfect and beautiful."

"Well, thank god for that. I'll bet she doesn't collect earthworms, either."

I started laughing at that one. "What?"

"That's why she said she was dirty. She collected earthworms and kept some in her pockets. Then she picked her nose and did some sort of magic trick, making it look like she pulled one out of her nostril."

I was laughing my head off now. "She's amazing! No, she doesn't, nor have I ever seen her anywhere near an earthworm. She showers every day, and I've never seen her pick her nose in public."

He sighed and sank down in the chair. "So, you're normal then, too?" he asked me.

I shrugged. "I suppose. I don't have any hobbies that involve worms or any other insect. I shower daily, and I don't pick my nose in front of other people, but let's face it, guys, we all pick our noses."

"Here, here!" Jason shouted, "To nose picking!"

Reed and Daniel raised their bottles, as did Kyle, who was completely amused by the whole mess.

"Well, then congratulations on getting married, Matthew, and I'm glad you're not freaks," Josh said. Everyone agreed with the sentiment.

I just laughed. "I'm glad you guys are not freaks, either."

"Oh, hell no, I'm all freak, just ask Darlene," Kyle said laughing.

Josh threw a pillow at him.

"No throwing stuff in the house!" Daniel snapped.

"But it's a throw pillow," Josh defended.

"He's got you there, Sheriff, it is a throw pillow," Jason cut in, only to be smacked in the face with said throw pillow. I think I liked Jason. He was going to be cool to work with.

Chapter 24 - Kyle’s Take on Stag Night...

Kyle

Matthew's bachelor party was on the mild side compared to some I had been to before. Of course, dragging a group of half-drunk guys across town, where one loses his pants, would measure close to what I was used to. It was nice to have the sheriff on our side, keeping us out of jail.

Once we got back to the sheriff's house, little Matthew decided it was naptime, and he crashed on the couch. That boy must have been in love, because all he could think about was getting to the church on time the next day.

He had a pretty cool group gathered. I was a little relieved when Crazy Shorts guy took off, though. I was terrified he would be dropping his pants and then some. He was an old guy, so I was sure it would do some serious retinal damage to see him naked.

The sheriff and his buddy, Reed, had a relationship that made me wonder at times. The way they flopped their arms around each other and snickered in each other's ears would make anyone question their sexual orientation. I mean come on…both had been single for over a decade from what I had gathered. To each his own, I guess.

Somehow, we got on to the topic of appropriate condom usage. I didn't know how or why, but things went downhill fast after that. Josh questioned Reed and Sheriff Stratton's worthiness to give their two cents on the topic, as he suspected neither had ever used any. Both Reed and Sheriff Stratton started naming chicks they had nailed, and Josh and Jason's eyes grew huge. I guess they knew the ladies they were talking about.

"That's my mother!" Jason shouted and threw a pillow at Reed.

"That's disgusting!" shouted Josh, and suddenly, Jason was offended. Next thing we knew, pillows were flying all over the place.

The sheriff somehow found his gun and shot a hole in his ceiling.

"Well, they are throw pillows," Reed snickered.

The sheriff smacked him in the head with a pillow, and they started wrestling all over the floor, knocking over the coffee table full of beers.

One of the beers splashed up on Jason, soaking his white shirt and made it see-through. He covered his chest with his hands and squealed like a little girl, screaming, "My nipples!"

I burst out laughing, as Jason flopped to the floor and did a snake crawl on his belly to the kitchen, returning with a kitchen towel stuffed into the front of his shirt like he was ready to eat lobster.

I realized that everyone was really drunk when Daniel, or "Danny boy," as he insisted everyone call him, tried to pass condoms out as poker chips. I shrugged it off and figured it would work in my favor in the end.

I was eight condoms ahead of everyone, when Reed complained that Josh smelled. We all started laughing, but then realized Jason stank as well from the old beer that had been spilled on them.

We decided to take the game outside. For some reason, Jason thought bringing a newspaper as a tablecloth was a good idea and spread it across the huge rock we were using as a table for our moved card game.

"Now we can really get down to business!" Reed complained. "Matthew's snoring was throwing me off."

"Sure, that was it. So, what's the excuse for sucking the last twenty years?" Danny boy chided.

"Oh, shut up, I have more…" Reed looked down at his stack of condoms. His forehead scrunched up, and he held one close to his face to read it. "DANNY, THESE ARE CONDOMS!"

"WHAT?" he screeched, shocked.

Jason jumped on Reed, yanking his condom chips away from him. "Stay away from my mommy!"

Reed laughed, throwing some more at him. "She's on birth control, Son, I ride bareback!"

"NO!" Jason screamed like a little girl. "You don't touch her!" He grabbed the gun-shaped water nozzle and turned on the hose and was immediately tackled by Josh, who got his pants soaked, but they needed a good rinsing after the beer spill anyway.

Danny boy was able to get the water turned off, and Jason was crying again about his nipples. "Don't look, oh god, please, don't look at them! You can't tell anyone. STOP LOOKING!" he squealed, swinging the hose around.

He flopped down in the mud, making Sheriff Stratton mumble, "I never have my stun gun when I need one."

"Jason," Josh slurred, "Take off your clothes." We all looked at him confused. "He's all muddy."

"No, no, you can't see my nipples!" Jason started squealing.

"I'll give you my shirt," Josh offered, taking his off, and then he winked at me as he flexed. I was thinking I needed to stop smiling at him and maybe get a haircut, if he was drunk enough to think I was a girl.

Jason ripped his shirt off over his head, and Josh hosed him down and then tossed him his shirt to wear. "Nipple crisis averted."

"Alright, now it's time for the condom instructional class," Sheriff Stratton said seriously, or as seriously as a drunk could, swaying a little as he brought a bunch of bananas out from who only knew where. He must have slipped into the house and grabbed them.

Josh and Jason both eagerly grabbed bananas and shoved them into their flies. Josh started doing hip thrusts. "You're so hot, baby," he moaned, causing Jason to laugh and fall over, landing on the rock we had as a table. His feet slipped in the mud a few times, making it look like he was humping it, which caused Josh to laugh and smack his butt. "Get 'er done!" he chuckled.

I just shook my head and took the banana that Reed handed me.

"Now, carefully open the package," Sheriff Stratton instructed.

"My banana's pokey. I have to peel it so it doesn't tear my condom. I don't want to get the girl pregnant," Jason said in a very serious tone. He peeled his banana and stuck it back in his crotch.

"Me, neither, no babies!" Josh said, slurring a little, so everyone peeled their bananas, so no one would get their imaginary girls pregnant with their fake dicks.

We all put our condoms on our bananas. I was the only one who didn't have it hanging out of my pants.

Once that was done, we heard a loud screeching hiss come from the tree by Daniel's house. "That damn pussy is stuck in the tree again, probably fighting with another possum or raccoon." Daniel walked over to the clothesline and hung up his banana with a clothespin and then took off his shirt and kicked off his boots. I had no idea what the heck he was doing. I was really starting to worry, wondering what kind of pussy was stuck in the tree, when he took off his pants and then put his shoes back on. "I'll be back in a minute. I have a Muffin to save. All in a day's work," he said, marching off to the hissing tree with his pants slung over his shoulder.

He climbed the tree faster than a banana farmer, and then all hell broke loose. We couldn't see what was happening, but we could hear the shouting. "Come on, pussy. Come on, Muff-Muff. Just back your ass up here. I ain't coming over there."

Reed started giggling like a twelve-year-old boy watching a girls' slumber party. "I ain't coming, I ain't coming! Oh, pussy, pussy, please, just give it up and let me take you!"

I had to admit, when everyone else started snickering, I joined in after that.

"GOTCHA!" There was a loud rustling in the tree. Then we heard some branches start to snap. "WHOA! WHOA!" Daniel shouted.

We all looked up to see him hanging from the tree, using his pants like a rope, and he had hold of a cat that was dangling by its collar. It didn't take long for it to slip out and hit the ground running. Daniel dropped to the ground and ran after it, shouting, "PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY!"

I watched in amusement, as he rounded the front yard. He didn't get too far past Matthew's house, when a dark-haired woman came out and called to him. She didn't seem put off by him only wearing underwear and boots. She must have known him, because she grabbed his hand, and they walked up to Daniel's front porch and into his house.

"Well, that's one way to get pussy," Reed said, laughing until he fell over.

"My cheeks are chafing," Josh suddenly complained, rubbing his butt. "I'm all wet, I'm gonna get a rash."

"Take your pants off," Jason said, like it was normal to strip in front of people you didn't know.

"I don't wanna," Josh frowned.

"Don't 'cha got undies on?" Jason slurred.

"NO! Why would I wear those? They restrict blood flow to important things. I don't want to be important at a young age."

"Impotent?" I asked.

"That's what I said," he swayed a little.

"Take 'em off, you'll get a rash, and no one will touch it," Reed promised.

"No, you know why," Josh growled at his father.

"Josh's got a pretty ass," Reed snickered.

Jason actually leaned to the side, checking it out and shrugged. "Looks like an ass to me." I think I was a little relieved to find out he didn't like Josh's butt.

"No, it's literally pretty," Reed giggled. "He's got this…"

Josh jumped on Reed, covering his mouth.

"Don't!" Josh shouted. He looked over at Jason for help. "I saved your nipples, you save my ass, please?" he begged.

Jason nodded and picked up the newspaper from the table. "Put this on and give me your pants. I'll hang them up for you."

Josh wiggled out of the pants, and Jason held up the newspaper for him. The sicko looked down and smiled. "Well, ain't that pretty. I get it now," he said but didn't laugh.

Josh looked at him warily, waiting for Jason to make jokes, but he didn't, and Josh seemed satisfied. He carefully wrapped his newspaper towel on, and Jason hung his pants on the line next to all the condom-covered bananas.

"Hey, what's that shiny thing?" Josh asked, pointing to something on the ground. He picked up the cat's collar that had been discarded in the pussy chase and hung it up on the line.

"Come on, Josh, you should take a shower, before you get a yeast infection from the beer," Reed said, as if he had experience with this. Jason followed after them, and I stood on the back porch, trying to figure out if I wanted to really step back into that house, when Josh didn't have pants on. A few moments later, Jason came walking back out with the newspaper that was dripping wet. He carefully hung it up and walked back in.

I followed this time, just out of curiosity. Jason was all by himself, when we walked back into the front room. I wasn't about to ask where the naked guy was. I sat in the recliner and watched in amusement, as Jason tried to get comfortable on the coffee table, but it wasn't happening from the looks of it, and he started collecting things from around the house.

First, it was a hand towel, but it didn't seem to work as a blanket. He grabbed a potholder and then saw a pillow on the ground. He grabbed the throw pillow and searched the front room for the rest of them, even prying three out from under Matthew, who was out like a log. I had two, but when Jason raised his fingers shaped like a gun at me and then threw the hand towel over his hand, I knew I was going to lose them. "I've got a gun, give me your pillows, and no one gets hurt."

I held back my snickering, trying not to anger the drunk threatening me with his finger gun. Once I passed him the pillows, he set about making a nest like a freaking bird. I shook my head. I didn't know what the heck was up with that guy and just hoped he was saner when sober. Only time would tell.