“What? Wait…how did you…OH, FUCK!”
“Yeah.” She was nodding her head as if I’d just confirmed something. “Well, I need to go. Here’s your phone.” She tossed it to me so that she could keep her distance, stay out of my reach. She knew me pretty fucking well. “Keep that ice on there. And tomorrow…”
“No. Stop. Listen to me. What did she say? She answered my phone, didn’t she?”
“…call your orthopedic guy. Hopefully, you haven’t torn your ACL completely in two.” Claire turned to leave, but I couldn’t let her.
I tried to stand. “FUCK! Claire, stop…please!” I fell back on the couch. She stopped and I saw her shoulders slump.
“I need to go, Derek. I can’t be here right now. I’m sorry.” She wouldn’t turn around and look at me.
“Claire. Please. Tell me what she said to you. I promise I can explain.” Each word was strained as I forced myself to hold back my anger toward Abbi.
She sighed then turned to look at me. “It doesn’t matter. I knew she was full of shit, Derek. I knew she wanted to make me mad or jealous. I realized who and what she was…Melissa even warned me. I trust you and I knew she was lying…well, about most of it.”
“What do you mean ‘most of it’? What did she say? You can’t leave me here like some wounded animal and just walk away. That’s not fair.”
She stalked up to me, pointed her finger at me and said, “Not fair? No! What’s not fair is calling your phone, having some bitch answer it and then proceed to not only question
ME
, but to inform me that you were too busy fucking
her
to answer it yourself. Oh, I knew she was lying. I can smell a liar twenty miles away…I’ve had
years
of experience with that.” Her voice was dripping with anger…for Jake, Abbi, maybe even me...anyone who’d hurt her. “No, what really got me was the fact the she informed me of her text to you hours ago while we were still together, the fact that you rushed like hell to get back here to meet her and her intentions to give you the family you want…with her. I knew you were rushing for some reason. I’d thought it was...” She waved her hand like it didn’t matter, then kept going, not giving me a chance to speak. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what I would have said anyway. “You asked her about it just today. I don’t know what all was said between the two of you and I don’t give a fuck, but she hit on the one thing that sealed it, ended it for me…the one thing we’ve danced around the last several days.”
“Claire…”
“No. I love being with you, but there is no future for us…” She held her hand up to stop any objection “…not that you’ve asked or wanted a future with me, but I can’t do it, can’t get attached to you.” Her shoulder were set…determined.
“Why?” I had her talking and wanting to know everything. I was standing with my crutches, determined to make her look straight into my face.
“You’re a great guy. You’re kind and loving. But you
need
different things than I do and I’m too old to play games. I want more with you, but if having your own children is part of your future...if that’s what you want…with Abbi or whoever, then I have to walk away now.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I stared at her face for a few seconds and then the only thing that came out of my fucking mouth was “Oh.” I didn’t know a lot about girly shit, but I gathered that she’d had that surgery to remove all those parts. My mom had been forced to do that a few years back because of a cancer scare.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.
I felt confused about it truthfully and hoped like hell my face didn’t reflect either one. I mean, I didn’t know Claire well enough yet to know that kind of history about her, not that it mattered or would change how I felt. I was falling in love with her and wanted to know everything.
Suddenly, Claire turned and walked toward the front door.
“No. Don’t leave. Please.” I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do.
“I need to go home.” She didn’t want me to see, but I could tell she was crying. I fought like hell to walk toward her and as I caught her elbow, I said, “Stop. Please. Tell me what just happened. I’m really confused and I don’t want you to go.” Her head dropped to her chest and I could see her shoulders start to shake. She wasn’t hiding her tears anymore. I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her body. “Please. I don’t know how to fix it if you don’t tell me…let me in.”
Claire stepped back, but I held onto her arms. I needed to keep my hands on her so she wouldn’t leave. She looked up at me, wiped the tears away and squared her shoulders. I knew I was in for a fight. “Derek, thank you for these last few weeks. You’ve awakened something in me that’s pretty incredible.” I saw her mouth and eyes turn so sad even as she fought not to show it. “If I stay, it’ll only be that much harder when this ends. I can’t
do
another loss like before. I won’t survive it. So, I need to go now. I’m sorry. I’m doing this
for you
…to help you.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this to end, so how is leaving helping me? Is this about kids? I mean, shit…” I let go of Claire’s arms and rubbed my hands down my face.
Mistake number one.
“Things are just getting started between us. I only brought it up with Abbi because I wanted to finally know if she ever even wanted kids. I knew the second I asked that she never did want them. It was just the whole condom thing that got me thinking more and more about it and now it’s turned into a big fucking mess.” I was getting pissed and couldn’t hold it in any longer. I mean, hell…okay, she couldn’t have kids. But I could still see making a life with her.
My thoughts distracted me just long enough for Claire to walk out the door without saying word. My mind went into overdrive. I started to go after her, but I was still in pain and not moving fast enough. As I hobbled to the door, I played back the last several minutes in my head. My thoughts, reactions…maybe she saw too much in my face, the disappointment. And then, of course I topped it off with ‘It’s turned into a fucking mess.’ Yep, that about summed it up.
Chapter 20
Claire
I lied.
And I ran.
Yes, I’d turned into one of those stupid, immature women I said I’d never be. I’d stayed with Jake. Never ran. But this wasn’t because I was wanting someone to chase me. I wanted what was best for Derek and I wasn’t it. He’d said he wanted a chance to love me when we were in Temecula and it was the most wonderful thing I’d ever heard. I was speechless…and heartbroken all at the same time. I was going to make love to him and enjoy our few days together...maybe longer, even knowing I had to it end soon. But it didn’t work out that way. She’d shown up. Abbi added more stress and angst. I’d called Derek to tell him that I wanted him to come over and spend the night at my place. It was a selfish move, but I’d wanted to enjoy every minute I had with him. Only, a strange woman answered his phone and when I’d asked for Derek, I could practically hear her bristle. It was pure instinct. I knew it was his ex-wife.
Then, I bristled.
When I asked what she was doing at his house, she informed me of her text to Derek asking him to ‘hurry home’ and his response of the time he’d meet her. It made my stomach churn and bile climb into my throat. It all added up. He was in a hurry to get back and meet her. That’s why he couldn’t spend the day with me. I trusted that it wasn’t about hooking up with the tramp. But it was obviously important enough to cut our time short and keep me in the dark about the situation.
Unfortunately, she didn’t stop there. She told me all kinds of nasty things he was doing to her while we were on the phone, but I knew her game. So I insisted that she put the phone next to Derek so I could hear it. Of course, Abbi made every excuse under the sun not to put Derek on the phone. Still, I was fine until she said, “Well, I hope you’re gonna give him a house full of kids, because that’s all he’s ever wanted. Trust me. Maybe I should just go ahead and grant him that little wish. I mean, hell…we fuck all the time just for old times sake. I could give him all the kids he wants. Yeah, maybe I will.” Then, she hung up on me.
Her attitude about it pissed me off. Derek wanted a family, not just kids. And I couldn’t do that for him. So, as much as I wanted to hate Abbi, she’d given me enough strength to pull the trigger and walk away. Hell, he all but confirmed what she’d said with his one word answer and deafening silence, not to mention the horribly disappointed look on his face. So, I left, went home and cried.
I wasn’t a martyr.
And I wasn’t assuming that Derek was falling madly in love with me. I wasn’t assuming anything other than my heart couldn’t handle any more sadness. I felt myself getting attached to him and I thought I was okay with it, even if we got to have a little fun for a few months, but I couldn’t risk it. The realization that I had nowhere to go but down, was too much. No matter where Derek and I were headed, I wouldn’t come out the winner. I saw my life with Jake being replayed right in front of me in those few moments when Derek would talk about having children of his own. I saw him loving me, building a life with me and then the minute I told him I was unable to have kids, he hesitated…his eyes changed. The disappointment was there and it was enough.
Yes, I lied. Well, I sort of lied. I didn’t come out and say it directly, but I left Derek with the assumption that I couldn’t have any more children. Truthfully, I could still have kids, was on birth control and never had a hysterectomy, but didn’t want to start that part of my life over again. My kids were getting ready to ‘leave the nest’ and a new phase was going to be starting for me. Derek needed someone a lot younger than me. Someone ready to give him the life he really wanted without the distraction of ex-spouses and step children. So, I walked away. And took what was left of my pride and my heart with me. I didn’t have enough of either to wager with.
I tried to hide the quiet sobs as I left his house. I would be okay. I knew I would. It would’ve been incredible to be with Derek, even for a little while. He’d already given me a new outlook and opened my heart up after Jake. I was grateful he’d stumbled into my life even for a short period of time. I was sad and needed a little time to process it all. I wanted to be his friend and hoped I could. I wanted to continue to be his therapist, but he’d most likely object to both.
My phone rang and I saw it was Derek, but I didn’t answer. Then, a text came in.
Derek:
I don’t understand. Please come back and talk to me.
Claire:
I can’t.
Derek:
I know why you left. I didn’t mean for my words to be so harsh.
Claire:
Derek, you weren’t harsh. Thank you for a wonderful weekend…wonderful few weeks. I’ll never forget it.
Derek:
I don’t want Abbi. I want you…AND I’m not him! I care about you…only you. I’m not worried about any other future with or without kids. I just want you…
My heart was so heavy and I couldn’t be mean, even if that drove him further away…for his own good.
Claire:
I want you too. But
we
don’t work. And I don’t have enough of my heart left to gamble with. I’m sorry.
Derek:
Okay, see…that I understand and can work with. We want each other. Let’s go from there.
I shook my head and let out a little laugh.
Claire:
Derek, let it go.
Derek:
No.
Derek:
We are just now really getting to know each other. So why are you forcing some expiration date on us.
Claire:
Good night.
Derek:
Claire…you know I’ll just come pound on your door or follow you.
Sigh…
Claire:
I’m saying I can’t be second ever again…even to a dream. Besides, you are too hurt to get up. So rest. Call your doctor. And I’m sorry.
Derek:
This is all about kid thing? So fucking stupid! Well, see you around, Claire.
What the fuck? I sat on my couch and just shook my head. I’d tried to be kind, do the right thing. At that moment, I hated doing the right thing. So, I sank down in the cushions and cried. I wanted to go home…to Texas. I wanted my family. I wanted my kids with me. I hated starting over.
I didn’t know how long I’d laid there crying, but eventually I fell asleep, curled up in a ball on one end of the sofa. I was the saddest sap of a fucking mess. When I woke up, it was late in the evening, so I climbed the stairs, went to my bathroom and got ready for bed. I’d about decided after Derek’s last text to fly home and see my brothers. Both lived around Dallas and had begged me to move there after the divorce, but I refused. Come to think of it, maybe I should go somewhere else. They were impressed with how strong I was…what a joke. Maybe just a few days away from everyone would do me some good. Tomorrow after work I’d look into it. I crawled in my bed, covered my head and slept.
*****
The sound of the doorbell woke me up and I turned to see my alarm clock said it was 6:16am. I’d forgotten to set my alarm for work, but still had plenty of time to get ready. I threw on my little black robe and raced downstairs to the door. As I threw it open, there stood Derek, on his crutches, smiling smugly. He sucked in a big breath. “You forgot a few things in your rush to run out on me yesterday. Here.” His tone was mean and curt.
My fault.
He was holding my purse and sunglasses.
“Thank you.” I took both from him and started to close the door, but he stuck his foot in the way. When I looked up at his face, his jaw was clinching, his eyebrows were pushed together and he was glaring at me. He was pissed.