Hopeless Vows (31 page)

“Then place blame where it belongs. Be angry with the ones who did it, not an innocent child who was neglected, starving, and suffering herself.” I think about what Jillian said at the reunion show and my stomach tightens. I had no idea she had such a troubled past. I should have guessed knowing what her parents are capable of, but it never occurred to me to give a shit once I found out the truth. My hands run through my hair as regret starts knocking on my door again.

“Uncle Brian said almost the same thing,” I mutter.

“Yeah, well your dad had the looks, Brian had the brains.” She winks, letting me know she’s only joking, and it makes me chuckle. I miss hearing the banter between the three of them.

I let out a sigh. “How do I fix this?”

“I can’t tell you that. If you love her, you’ll figure it out.”

The pull returns, threatening to take me away from my mother. “Wait! I’m not ready to go.” I reach out to her but she makes no attempt to grab me. “Mom, no!”

Her eyes fill with tears as she smiles sadly. “You have to. I love you, Austin,” she says shakily.

“I love you too.” My voice is barely above a whisper as I struggle to speak around the lump in my throat.

And then I’m gone.

Jillian

A WEEK AND
a half has gone by since Austin’s wreck. The doctors don’t seem to know when he’s going to wake up, and the longer he stays out, the more anxious I feel. Two days ago his brain scans looked good and the swelling had gone down, so they pulled him off the medication that keeps him in a coma and removed his breathing tube. Now it’s just a waiting game. He stirs a little every now and then, which I’m told is promising, but he hasn’t given any real signs of waking up.

Each day I hold his hand and whisper to him when we’re alone. I tell him all the things I hope I get the chance to say when he can hear me.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

I’m dying inside without you.

Wake up and come back to me.

The wait is torture.

The bruises on his face have faded quite a bit. He still looks pretty banged up with the bandages around his head and such, but he’s improving. All of his broken bones have been treated and only his left leg required surgery. His other leg was casted and his arm was put in a sling to stabilize his collarbone. There wasn’t much they could do for his ribs.

I haven’t left this room much since I arrived ten days ago. All of my things were back at the hotel room, but Brian was kind enough to take my room key and get me some clean clothes from my suitcase. He took the couple boxes and bags I had over to my work where they’re storing them for me in my office. I’m thankful I don’t have to pay for a room I’m not using since I refuse to leave this one. But I’m also grateful I don’t have to deal with the press. A few reporters have lingered outside, hoping for updates on Austin’s condition. I don’t have the emotional energy to answer their prying questions, so I stay up here locked away from it all. The only time I walk out of here is to get some coffee or a small bite to eat, or to shower. Even then, the bathroom is located in his room, so I’m still not far. Otherwise, I’m right here by his side like I should be.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Van der Boor has been understanding of the circumstances and has continued to let me work from the hospital. I email her all of my work and all calls are forwarded to my cell phone. On day three, it became apparent there was no definite timeline for Austin’s recovery. I had called my boss and told her that if I needed to resign, I would do so. It killed me to say that, but Austin is my priority. After a long pause where I thought for sure she was firing me, she agreed and hung up the phone.

So that’s what I’m doing right now. Pulled up alongside Austin’s bed, I sit in my chair with my computer on my lap and peck away at the keyboard as I start my new article for next month’s issue. My focus constantly strays, but it’s really hard to care about handbags and shoes when the love of your life is fighting to stay alive.

After struggling for thirty or so minutes, I put my work away and stand up. With my arms over my head, I reach for the ceiling and stretch my tight muscles. A little over a week of sleeping upright in a chair is taking its toll on my body.

I walk over to the window on the other side of his bed and look outside. The sun is bright with not a cloud in sight. It’s warm and inviting, the complete opposite of this room. My arms cross over my chest as I lean my hip against the wall. People walk around in the streets below us. Some smiling with not a care in the world. A pang of envy hits me. I’ve often wondered why that couldn’t be my life. Why is it my every turn is met with obstacles and heartache? There has to be a certain point where enough is enough and life decides to give me a damn break.

A huff of air brushes past my lips before I turn my head to look at Austin. My heart stops and starts beating fiercely all at once because staring back at me are my favorite set of brown eyes.

“Austin.” That’s the only word I’m able to get out before I break down. Rushing over to him, I grab his hand and drop to my knees on the cold, tile floor. My forehead rests on his hand as all the worry, stress, and sadness of the past ten days leaves my body in the form of tears.

My gaze returns to his and I realize I’m in this awkward position where I don’t know what to do. My instinct is to grab his face and kiss him with everything I have, but I refrain for fear of how he’ll react. For fear he’ll reject me. Blinking several times to clear the moisture from my eyes, I study his face.

His lips part and he says, “Hi.” With his voice so weak, I barely hear him, but it’s music to my ears. My spirits soar with that one word and I haven’t felt so hopeful, so happy in months.

“Shhh, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk right now.” I gently cup his cheek and run my thumb across his stubbled jawline. We hold each other’s gaze for what feels like hours, but ends up being only seconds. I might be delusional, but I swear I see the same love and longing I feel reflected back at me.

“I need to get the doctor,” I announce. With one last look, I spin around and quickly exit the room and go down the hall to the nurse’s station.

“He’s awake!”

“Oh great. I’ll go check his vitals now and let the doctor know.” She gets up from her chair and heads off into his direction.

Adrenaline is coursing through my body making me light on my feet. A real smile touches my lips and I bask in the moment. He’s going to be okay, and in my gut I know we will be too. My wide grin is still firmly in place when I turn around to head back to Austin’s room. Now that he’s awake, I don’t want to be away from him too long. But I’m stopped in my tracks when I catch the back of a familiar redhead, and she’s headed for Austin’s room.

My feet spring into action and I catch her just before she makes it to his door. “What are you doing here? It’s immediate family only.” I don’t care that I sound like I’m sneering. She has no reason to be up here.

“It’s the perks of knowing people, but I should ask you the same. Aren’t the two of you divorced by now?” Chloe looks down the tip of her pointy nose at me. The reminder of my pending divorce immediately brings the images I saw of the two of them together to the forefront. My stomach tightens into a ball and I fight the urge to yell at her.

“No, we’re not. He just woke up and doesn’t need this stress. You need to leave.” I go to walk around her, but she grabs me by the arm, stopping me in my tracks.

“Here’s a newsflash for you, honey.” She looks down the hall and steps closer to me, invading my personal space. “Austin and I are together and the only thing holding us back are those papers you won’t sign.”

I hold my ground, refusing to let her think I’m intimidated by her. “If you’re with him and he’s so important to you, then where the hell have you been while he’s been in a coma?” I yank on my arm to get out of her hold.

She jerks back a little in offense. “I’ve been out of town.” She stumbles over her words as she tries to explain why she hasn’t been by to visit him. “I just got word this morning that anything had happened.”

“Because it wouldn’t be unusual not to hear from him in over a week, right?” My hands go to my hips as I wait for her to talk her way out of this.

“I was out of the country on a business retreat, so I didn’t expect to hear from him anyway.” She matches my stance. Here we are, the two of us having a stare down in the middle of a hospital hallway. “Look, apparently you’re not getting the hint, so let me spell it out for you. He doesn’t want you anymore. You’ve been exposed for the horrible human being you are. I feel bad for you, really I do.” Her hand goes to her chest in fake sympathy. “I mean, you can’t pick your parents, but you can certainly pick your in-laws. How could you expect him to accept that? To know he married into the very family who took his away. Every time he looks at you, he sees them, the blood, the death, the funerals. He sees you as the representation of everything that was taken from him that he’ll never get back. Let him move on with his life with someone he can be happy with.” She pats me on the shoulder condescendingly before she turns away from me and continues into his room.

I’m speechless. Everything she said is what I’ve feared from the moment we got married, and it’s all true. I could never expect him to live this way. She’s right, I am a constant reminder of the past. It’s going to kill me, but maybe I should walk away so he can eventually find his happiness. I did my job here and stayed with him until he woke up. What else is there left for me to do?

Selfishness is ultimately what drove my parents to do the things they did. They selfishly left me alone to fend for myself as they chased white line after white line. Their need to satisfy their hunger for drugs was put above my need for food and basic necessities. They rode the cocaine trail all the way to jail because they killed three innocent people on their quest for more of it.

Selfishness.

It’s the most hurtful trait a person can have. With it, nothing and no one else matters. I refuse to be like them. I will put his needs and happiness above my own even if it breaks me. And it will. There’s no doubt in my mind about that.

I move over slightly until my head can peek around the door. I want just one more look and then I’ll do the right thing. Chloe is at his bedside, holding the same hand I’ve held for hours while I prayed, read, and talked to him. She moves over for the nurse and I catch a glimpse of the best person to ever come into my life.

He’s looking down at his chest, wincing as the nurse touches his side. When his head comes up, we lock eyes. His are soft and tired, but there’s sadness there too, and I know what I’m doing has to be done. I press my lips together to keep them from quivering and try to give him a smile. Finding my resolve, I back away slowly and leave with tears streaming down my face.