Authors: Rachael Duncan
Four months later
“WILL THAT BE
all for you?” the cashier asks.
“Yes, please.” I pay for my order, grab my bag, and walk out.
After hailing a cab outside of the market, I give the driver the address to a place I honestly never thought I’d go. Nervous butterflies take flight in my stomach, but I think this will be good for me. Hopefully, I’ll be able to close this chapter of my life and finally move on.
These last four months have been difficult to say the least. When I walked away from Austin’s room, I didn’t get far. I made it down to the lobby and realized I left my purse, phone, and overnight bag I’d been living out of in his room. At that point, I was completely defeated and emotionally drained. I had gone from the highest of highs and was sitting at the lowest of lows. Luckily, Brian was coming back in from getting some food I wasn’t going to eat. I made up some story about having to run into work really quick but forgot my things in the room in my haste to get it done and asked if he’d run up and get it for me. I didn’t mention Austin was awake before he went upstairs. Then again, he didn’t mention it either when he came back down with my belongings. He knew something was up, but at least he had the decency not to say anything.
I started apartment hunting immediately since I was technically homeless. Of course, since this is New York, I had no luck in finding anything that day, so I went back to the hotel. I stayed there for the rest of the week and was able to secure a fully-furnished apartment I could afford. The only downside was it’s a lot further from my office than I’m used to.
The first couple weeks—hell, months—were pretty lonely. I found myself reaching for my phone to text Janey out of habit, but remembered she’s a fucking whore who destroyed my happiness and quickly put my phone away. I’d have the urge to reach out to Austin too, but the hurt was too much for me to overlook. I was forced to accept reality; we’re nothing to each other anymore.
After a lot of coercing from some co-workers, I finally started going out with them for happy hour on Fridays. Now that everyone knows who I am, I don’t push people away for fear of being exposed. I’m definitely not the life of the party, but it’s a start to functioning and interacting with people normally. For those few hours, I’m able to pretend life is fair and I’m not dead inside. While I do enjoy their company, it doesn’t come close to filling the hole in my heart.
I mailed the divorce papers back to Austin’s attorney the first day I went back to the office. I haven’t heard anything since, then again, I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to. I probably should’ve gotten legal advice on this process, but I was too emotionally drained by the whole thing. I didn’t want to draw it out any more than necessary. He wanted out, and even if it looked like he missed me at the hospital, I knew sending them in was for the best no matter how much my heart hated me for it.
The cab stops, but I don’t get out immediately. “Is this the right place?” he asks gruffly after a moment.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry.” I hand him some cash and let myself out. As soon as the door shuts, he takes off.
My lungs take in the humid air of late summer. Everything is still and quiet, almost eerily so. There’s no wind, no birds chirping or animals scurrying. It’s deathly silent. Given where I am, it’s fitting. I fidget with the flowers in my hand before forcing myself to continue. This has been a long time coming, and with everything going on in my life, it just feels right.
Last night I had to do a little research to find the exact location. Now that I’m here, I have no idea what to say. Taking the three bouquets out of the bag, I place them at the base of each headstone.
Kevin James
Devoted Husband and Father
1954–1996
Sarah James
Loving Wife and Mother
1957–1996
Christine James
Little Angel
1990–1996
I kneel down on my knees in between them on the damp grass. Today marks twenty years since they all died. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe my presence is disrespectful, but I felt the need to come and ask for forgiveness. Running my fingertips over Sarah’s name, I spend several moments reflecting on the moment and trying to get my thoughts together.
“You guys don’t know me, or maybe you do, I guess it just depends on what you believe in. Anyway, I’m rambling.” My eyes close and I inhale a deep breath before I say the words I’ve longed to say for a while. “My parents are responsible for all of your deaths. I’m sorry.” My voice cracks as I try to hold back the tears. “I’m so, so sorry for what they did to you and your family.” It feels like someone has a vice grip on my throat as it constricts. I’m unable to hold it in and a sob escapes. I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle the noise. “I’m sorry Austin didn’t have you with him as he grew up and that Christine never got a chance to experience life.”
I wipe a stray tear from my face as I contemplate my next words. “I met your son in September, during a reality show of all things. We literally got married at first sight. I didn’t even know his name. I know, it sounds crazy, and it is, but I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Austin is the most amazing man I’ve ever known and you guys would be so proud of him. He’s kind and thoughtful, hardworking and generous, funny and smart. He was everything I could have ever wanted. I saw myself having a family and growing old with him, but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for us.”
I pull at a piece of grass and roll it between my fingers. “I lied to him,” I whisper. “God, I wish I could go back and tell him, but I didn’t want to lose him. I knew if he ever found out he’d be gone, but that kind of brings me to the reason I came here today.”
Taking a deep breath, I look up at the sky and calm myself down. “I’ve felt this strong sense of guilt most of my life, and I’m not even sure why. I know I’m not responsible and it wasn’t my fault, I just feel like someone should be remorseful and I don’t think my parents are capable. You guys deserve that much.”
My heart still hurts and there will forever be a piece of it missing, but a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I continue to sit for a few more minutes before I stand up. “I know I don’t need to ask, but watch over Austin and help him find happiness.”
With my head down, I turn around and start walking back toward the entrance of the cemetery. A few steps in, the toe of someone’s shoes comes into my view. Bringing my head up, I am face to face with Austin. I gasp in surprise and have an innate urge to hide. It feels like I’ve been caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing.
“Uh, sorry. I-I was just leaving.” Avoiding eye contact, I attempt to walk past him quickly, but am stopped when his hand gently grabs my arm. Nervousness courses through my body and my cheeks heat up.
God, just get me out of here.
“You don’t have to apologize. Do you mind waiting for me out front so we can talk?” Looking up at him almost hurts. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to gaze into his kind eyes and get lost in his heart-stopping smile. But none of those features are prominent now. Instead, he seems timid, which is an odd emotion coming from him. Maybe he’s just as thrown off from seeing me.
Against my better judgment, I say, “Sure.” My feet carry me quickly out of the cemetery as soon as he releases his hold on me.
My thoughts are all over the place and I feel slightly sick to my stomach. I pace back and forth in front of his car that is parked right outside the gate. What do I say to him? Why does he want to talk? The sound of footsteps grabs my attention and I see Austin making his way toward me.
With his hands in his pockets, we stare at each other for an unnatural amount of time. Needing to break the silence, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “So, how are you?”
How are you?
Oh, god, it’s like a replay of the reunion show. Could I be any more awkward?
“I’ve been better,” he replies, rocking on the balls of his feet. He looks thinner, like he’s lost some of his muscle mass since I last saw him, but it seems all of his injuries have healed. There’s no cast or crutches, no stitches or bandages. His scruff is a little longer than usual and the lines on his face give away his exhaustion. Despite all of that, he’s just as heartbreakingly handsome as before. “You?”
“Same.” The silence fills the space again, creating new territory for us. Even when we were total strangers, things were never this uncomfortable. I don’t know how to navigate this strange area we’ve found ourselves in.
“Want to take a ride with me?” He points his thumb over his shoulder toward his car. Needing some kind of distraction, I nod my head. After helping me inside, he walks around to the driver side, slides into his seat, starts the car, and takes off. Neither of us says anything for a few miles, but at least the tension is reduced since we both have something else to focus on.
“I tried calling you,” he blurts out.
That catches me off guard. “You did?”
He nods. “Yeah. Either you’ve moved on and are living with a rude redneck, or that’s not your number anymore.” A small smile tugs at my lips and I’m grateful for his attempt to lighten the mood a little.
“Yeah, I changed my number.” I needed a fresh start and no way for him or Janey to be able to contact me.
“I figured. I went by Janey’s apartment, but you weren’t there either.”
I shake my head. “Nope. That’s what happens when your best friend betrays you.” It’s out of my mouth before I can think to stop it. There, I’ve addressed the elephant in the room. We’ve been skirting around the topic, hoping it’ll disappear if we pretend it’s not there.
“You seem to have healed from the wreck nicely,” I say quickly to recover from my last statement. I’m not quite ready to go there yet.
“Yeah, it wasn’t easy, but I made it through.” I notice his grip on the steering wheel increases.
“Any issues with your recovery?” I continue with the small talk, but I really am curious. It was so hard not to check up on him, but the thought of running into Chloe again was enough to keep me away.
“Nope.” His response is short and brusque. I look down at my lap and pick at my nails, not knowing what to say next. This was a terrible idea. I should have told him I couldn’t go with him, but as that thought goes through my head, the car swerves sharply to the right. My head pops up, startled from the sudden movement. The car comes to an abrupt stop on the side of the road. Dust floats around the car from the gravel the tires kicked up.
“Why’d you leave?” he asks. He looks straight ahead as I study his profile. His jaw muscles flex, showing the tension in his body.
“Austin,” I plead with a tired sigh. “Do we have to do this?”
“I talked to my uncle.” He continues, disregarding my protest. “He said you never left my side! You barely ate for over a week, then I wake up and you bolt! Why? Why did you leave?” When he faces me, I see nothing but hurt and confusion on his face, and it instantly pisses me off.
“You didn’t need me!” I shout. He has no idea how hard it was to walk away, to watch another woman take my place. I should’ve been there helping him heal, but it was made clear I wasn’t wanted.
“What are you talking about? Of course I did!” he yells back.
I shake my head. “No, you had Chloe, and trust me, she delivered your message loud and clear.”
His rigid posture slumps slightly as his head tilts to the side. “Delivered my message?”
I sniffle a little as the pain from her words resurfaces. “Look, I know you guys are together, and it’s fine. I’ve accepted it now, but you don’t have to worry about sparing my feelings anymore. She did the dirty work for you. I’m a constant reminder of what you don’t have in your life. How could you ever look at me and not think of them?” I huff out a humorless laugh thinking of how stupid I’d been. “There I was practically living in that hospital room with you, praying that you’d open your eyes and we could get a second chance. Little did I know Chloe would be the one to open
my
eyes and make me see our relationship for what it truly was.” I pause and wipe a tear off my cheek before speaking the bitter truth. “We were doomed from the beginning. There was no chance for us. We made hopeless vows that would be impossible to keep.” I look away and stare out my window not wanting him to see the pain in my eyes. It’s been one hundred and thirty-four days since I left the hospital, and it still feels like a knife to my chest.
The driver door opens, then slams shut, making me jump in my seat. I look out the front window and see Austin running his hands through his hair roughly before clasping them around the back of his neck. Even from behind, he looks defeated, as if he’s just figuring out that everything I said is true. There’s no future for us with the past hovering above like a dark cloud.
“Fuck!” I hear him shout up at the sky. His shoulders tense up as he stalks to my side of the car, opens the door, and extends his hand out to me. I don’t take it right away, and my hesitation doesn’t go unnoticed. “Come on, gorgeous.” There’s a hint of irritation in his tone despite trying to sound calm. Staring up into his eyes, I slowly place my palm in his. He pulls me out of the car and shuts my door. “I should have gotten this out of the way when I first saw you.”
Before I get a chance to utter a word, I’m silenced when his lips come down on mine. I’m frozen, not sure how to respond. It doesn’t take long for him to coax me out of my shocked state and I’m kissing him back. My insides melt and my soul weeps. I’ve missed the way he tastes, how his lips perfectly mold to mine, and the way he makes me feel.
His tongue runs along my bottom lip, and I open my mouth to welcome him in. He glides in without delay as we engage in a tango of former lovers reacquainting themselves with each other. I’m a mass of contradiction. The air is sucked out of my lungs yet this is the first time I’ve felt like I could truly breathe. My heart stops but beats furiously against my rib cage all at once. I’m feeling everything and nothing at the same time, sending my body into overdrive.