Horizons (27 page)

I’d been going through the motions for six months and doing a damn good job of it, judging by all the accolades and hype my performance on the field had generated. It had been the best football season of my career, but I remembered little of it. I’d made a pact with my father to protect the man I loved, and all my energy was focused on keeping my end of the bargain.

No one in my family cared to see beyond the obvious, taking my last-minute switch from Jody to Nikki at face value, concluding that I’d finally come to my senses and done the right thing. If any of my brothers had bothered to look they would have seen that something was missing, that I no longer smiled, that the joy I always displayed when I stepped on that football field had disappeared the night I’d betrayed Jody.

I still cried his name in bed, often waking with fresh tears on my face. Even my body had shut down; the arousal that came so easily when I was around him had disappeared. I couldn’t remember the last time I thought about sex. I had made a deal with the devil, but sleeping with Nikki wasn’t part of the agreement. I’d promised Jody I wouldn’t touch her, and I felt some small satisfaction in knowing that I’d kept that promise. At the end of each day I could tell myself that my betrayal had not extended that far.

“Bro?”

I’d forgotten that Michael stood in the room. I tugged on the chain around my neck, rubbing my thumb against the charm, a constant reminder of Jody and what we’d had. I caressed it as I’d been doing every day since the memorable night we declared our love.

“What is it, Mike?”

“Why aren’t you with Dad and Scott, listening to the negotiations?”

“I’m sure they’ll call me if they need me.”

“You don’t seem very enthusiastic about this,” Mike said, questioning my lack of interest.

“I’ll get excited later.”

“Clark, I need to ask you a question.”

“What is it?”

“Are you happy?”

I huffed out a bitter laugh, shaking my head with surprise. “It seems like I should be, don’t you think? I’ve got it all: the career, the woman, the life Dad wanted for me?”

“Well, that answers my question,” Mike said. “You’re miserable, aren’t you?”

I turned to look at my brother—really look at him. He seemed genuinely concerned, and I was shaken for a minute. The tears pushed up so quickly, I didn’t have time to put my mask in place.

“Mike.” I was going to brush him off, to tell him he was wrong, but my body betrayed me, and the tears fell. I turned quickly and moved away from him, but he followed and pulled me back. “I have to tell you something, bro.”

“Would you please get out of here?” I was embarrassed by my weakness and didn’t want to hear anything he had to say.

“I can’t, Clark. I should have said something months ago. I was just too scared.”

I spun around and saw that he had tears in his eyes as well. “Scared of what?”

“Of being wrong and rocking the boat.”

“Mike, what are you talking about?”

“Why are you no longer with Jody?” He waited for my reply, finally shaking me by the arm and demanding an answer. “Why did you tell us you were gay, if you aren’t? Was it all a lie?”

“I can’t talk about it.”

“Clark, please, I need to know.”

I was trying to figure out why he was asking me all these questions after the fact. “It wasn’t a lie, Mike.”

“Then why the fuck isn’t he still in your life?”

“I’m not good for him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Being with me was too dangerous. He could have gotten hurt, and I wasn’t going to let that happen.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Mike said. He was agitated, pacing around me like an angry tiger while he backhanded his tears. “Who told you that he was in danger?”

“Let’s just say that I received a not-so-subtle threat.”

“From Zach?”

“No, actually, it was from Dad.”

“What did he say?”

“That Jody’s life was in danger if we persisted in our sick little romance. He said that it would be so easy to make sure that Jody had an ‘accident’ on his way to work or coming home from the hospital. He basically threatened to set his guys on him, and hurt him if I persisted in my wicked ways.” I threw myself down on the bed and covered my face with both hands. Finally, I looked at Mike and saw that he was staring at me in horror. I sat up and continued. “Dad knew everything about Jody, Mike. He knew his fucking schedule, where he was every minute of each day. He knew the names of his parents, where they lived, how often he and I were together. He knew what time Jody got off work, when he’d meet me, when he’d leave my apartment, how many hours I’d spent in Jody’s house. He was having us followed! I think that he even had our phones tapped, if that’s possible.”

“And you believed him?”

“Of course I did! Every fact he had was completely accurate!”

“He lied to you.”

“What?”

“He fucking lied!” Mike screamed.

“I don’t understand.”

“Dad had Jody beaten up a month before the season opened!”

The blood seemed to be draining out of my body. I could feel my extremities going cold and the buzzing in my ears. I would have probably fainted if I weren’t so shocked, but I had to hear all of this, to make sure I wasn’t imagining this conversation.

“What the hell are you saying?”

Mike started to cry again, big sobs that wracked his body. I grabbed him and hugged him against me, wondering what could have happened to turn him into such a wreck. He was the toughest kid, never afraid to get into a fight or stand up for his beliefs, but tonight he seemed genuinely terrified.

“Clark, I’m so sorry.”

“For what, bro?”

“I should have told you.”

“You’re telling me now.”

“Isn’t it too late?”

“Let me decide that. What exactly happened?”

“I walked into the house sometime last summer; it must have been July or August. I wasn’t supposed to be here, it was the middle of the day, but I’d forgotten to pack a lunch and I had no money, so I thought I’d grab a sandwich.”

“Okay.”

“I heard voices coming from the family room. I don’t know why I didn’t just barge in like I normally do, but I decided to eavesdrop instead. To see what was going on.”

“And?”

“It was Dad with a couple of the guys from work and John, Nikki’s dad. There were four of them in the room.”

“Whatever, bro.”

“They’d been drinking, and they were telling Dad how they almost kept the BMW, but decided to ditch it at the last minute because it was too risky.”

“The BMW?”

“Yeah. I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. The only reason I stayed to listen was because John said he was so tempted to rip the faggot’s balls off his body and stuff them down his throat.”

“Why did you think that was important?”

“I heard the word faggot.”

“Right.”

“Clark, I was still dealing with your fucking revelation. That word just rang a bell!”

I reached out and touched him on the shoulder. “It’s okay, Mike. Go on.”

“Dad thanked them for their help, and the talk switched to you and football. They made Dad promise to get them tickets for one of your games.”

Mike looked down and fidgeted with his hands. “I never put two and two together, Clark. Not until you stopped seeing Jody, and Dad and Mom were talking in the kitchen one day. She asked him if he thought you’d be okay, and he said, yes, that he’d taken care of your problem.”

“And what did she say?”

“She asked him how he’d fixed the problem.”

“And what did he say? Christ, Mike, I feel like I’m pulling teeth here!”

“He said that he kicked that ‘little queer’s ass’ from here to kingdom come!”

I couldn’t believe it. I had to find out for myself if Mike had misunderstood the entire conversation. I had no idea how to go about it, but I figured I’d start with the hospital, since I recalled the incident at the emergency room when Jody had supposedly been attacked by a patient. Now I wondered if that was the night he’d been hurt by my dad’s flunkies. I grabbed my phone and dialed Jody’s hospital, asking to be connected to the administrator’s office.

“Hi there!” I tried to sound as professional as possible. “My name is Scott Healy, and I’m with the
Oakland Tribune
. I’m doing a follow-up on that gay bashing that happened last year. You know the one that involved one of your doctors?”

I listened as she acknowledged the query, telling me that it was a terrible incident, but fortunately, Dr. Williams seemed to have made a full recovery.

“Did anyone ever find out if the incident occurred outside the premises of your hospital or within?”

“Oh no, sir. This happened outside hospital jurisdiction. Dr. Williams was brought in by ambulance.”

“Who called it in?”

“Let me look it up.” She put me on hold for a second. “He must have, because I don’t see any police reports.”

“I see. Well, thanks for your time.”

“No problem. Have there been any more bashings?”

“Yeah. We’re checking to see if there’s a connection.”

“Well, good luck.”

“Thanks again.” I was stunned and turned to Mike. “You’re right. He
was
hurt. That’s why he came home in another car. He told me he’d ditched the BMW because it was a lemon and kept breaking down. He didn’t tell me that it was fucking stolen! Why the fuck didn’t he tell me?” I was yelling by now and poor Mike bore the brunt of my anger. The injustice of it all turned me into an avenging maniac. I wanted to rip someone or something apart.

“Maybe Jody was scared of what you’d do. Maybe they threatened him as well! How the fuck should I know!” Mike screamed right back at me.

“You should have said something, Mike. Why did you wait so long?”

“I’m sorry. I was scared and confused. I didn’t put it all together.”

I sat on the bed and buried my head in my hands. It was Mike’s turn to comfort me, to wrap his arms around me and tell me we’d fix this. I had no idea how. Wasn’t it too late? How would I ever be able to face Jody after the way I’d acted? He probably hated me.

First things first though. I had to confront the devil and see for myself how truly rotten he was. I’d always known that football meant more to him than I ever did; I just never realized how much.

I stormed out of my room with Mike on my heels, pulling at me and telling me to calm down. “Bro, come on, take a minute and think about what you’re going to say.”

“There’s nothing to think about.”

I walked into the kitchen and looked at my father and said, “You’re a fucking liar!”

“What did you just say?” He glared at me, expecting me to back down like I always did in his presence. Scott looked surprised and then looked at my father to see how he’d react.

I walked up to my dad and hauled him up off the chair and said, “You lied to me!”

Dad shoved me back, catching me off guard. “What are you talking about?” he roared.

“You said you’d leave him alone, that if I did everything I was supposed to do, you wouldn’t touch him!”

“And I didn’t.”

“That’s because you already had, you double-crossing bastard! You hurt Jody a month before we even cut our deal! I can’t believe you’re my father!”

“And I can’t believe you’re acting this way over a fucking queer! How can you throw over a beautiful young woman for that piece of shit? Nikki is perfect for you, and I won’t allow you to ruin her life, as well as your own!”

“It’s my life, Dad. You had no right to meddle in it!”

“Well, that’s where you’re wrong, kid. Your career has always been my business. You’ve never had enough brains to figure out what the hell to do with it. I just made the decision for you.”

“You did not just call me dumb!”

“Clark, the smartest thing about you is your talent. You are nothing without football, and the sooner you accept that the happier you’ll be.”

Scott was looking at both of us, confused by the entire conversation. “What’s going on here? Why are we talking about queers?”

“Because,” I spat out, “I’m gay. That’s why!”

“You stupid cocksucker,” my father snarled. He backhanded me with so much force my head jerked back and I stumbled. That’s when I finally snapped.

I wrapped my hands around his neck and started to squeeze. I was blinded with rage. I wanted to kill him, to make him suffer the way he’d made me suffer these past six months. To hurt him the way he’d hurt Jody. I was completely out of control, ignoring the screaming and the people trying to pull us apart. Michael jumped on my back, trying to wrestle me away from my father’s throat. I could see my dad’s face turning red, and his eyes were starting to bulge, but I didn’t give a shit. “I hate you,” I said, meaning every goddamn word.

Something hit me. I found out later that my mother had pulled a rolling pin out of a kitchen drawer and smashed it into the back of my head. I remember letting go and my father taking in huge gulps of air. I could hear Mom screaming, and Michael’s crying and calling my name.

And then the world went black, and I remember nothing after that.

L
IL
pulled into the driveway and was surprised to see another car blocking the garage. It was late Sunday night, and they’d just come back from their Napa adventure.