He was in his office by ten-thirty and tackled his desk first. He took a quick walk around the hotel to see that everything was in order, and he was heading back to his office when one of the concierges mentioned that Natalie was upstairs installing another painting in one of the suites. He thanked him and took the elevator to the seventh floor and let himself into the suite. She was alone, wrestling with a big painting. She got it on the hook with a grunt of victory as he walked into the room, and she turned to smile at him, and he strode across the room to hug her. He held her tight and closed his eyes, wishing he hadn’t failed her, but he felt he had no other choice.
“You’re back!” She looked thrilled to see him, and he kissed her with all the tenderness of apology and regret of a man who knew he had betrayed her. She pulled away to look at him. She could feel in the way he held her that something was wrong. “What happened?” She looked worried, and he blurted it out immediately. He didn’t want to lie to her too.
“I didn’t tell her. I couldn’t. She said some things in Rome on the first day that told me it would be a huge deal to her. I was afraid she wouldn‘t come back here if I told her. I’m sorry. I wanted to, Natalie, but I just couldn’t.” There was a pounding silence in the room after he said it, and she looked angry for an instant and then sad, and then she nodded. She was a sensible woman. She loved him and didn’t want to lose him either, just as he was afraid to lose his daughter.
“Okay.” Her shoulders were drooping then, and so were his. They both felt defeated. For now Heloise had them on the run without even knowing it. “It’ll happen sooner or later. It can’t stay a secret forever.” Their relationship was good and kept getting better, except for this one issue, which was a big one. His loyalties were divided between her and his daughter, and sooner or later he’d have to make it clear to everyone that he could handle both. “Did you have fun?” she asked him generously, and he loved her more than ever, for how kind and reasonable she was and loving to him.
“I did.” He pulled her close to him. “But I missed you.” Not being able to talk about her had made the longing worse. And all he wanted to do now was hold her and kiss her and caress her and make love to her, and make up to her for what he hadn’t done and said he would. He was starving for her as he put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door of the empty suite and the chain on, and pulled her into the bedroom with him. Their clothes were off instantly, and she was just as hungry for him. She had worried about what would happen all week, and now she no longer cared. She just wanted to be with him again, and whether or not his daughter knew no longer mattered. All they cared about as they made love was how much they loved each other, and everything else disappeared. And by the time it was over, she had forgiven him for not telling Heloise. They were both breathless as they lay there, and he smiled at her and pulled her back into his arms. If anything, he loved her even more.
Chapter 13
FOR THE NEXT two months, their life seemed totally normal. Natalie’s brother James and his wife came to town, and she and Hugues had dinner with them, and the two men got along famously. James thought he was a great guy and perfect for his sister. The two men talked business all night, and Natalie talked to her sister-in-law about the kids and the cases she was working on.
Natalie’s business was booming, and she was still doing some things for Hugues at the hotel. In some ways it was almost as though he didn’t have a daughter, because she wasn’t part of Natalie’s life and she had no idea when she would be, if ever. She had stopped worrying about wanting to make friends with her. She was in a separate part of Hugues’s life, and they were building their relationship without her. It felt solid and strong, and their lives were blending nicely. They couldn’t move in together because he lived at the hotel, and Heloise would be coming back in December. But in every other way, their relationship was going well and the bond they shared strengthened every day.
Hugues was busy at the hotel, and he enjoyed talking to Natalie about it. She was an intelligent woman, was interested in it, and always gave him good advice. They went to the Hamptons for Memorial Day weekend, and while they were having dinner at Nick & Toni’s, she said something about an art exhibit she wanted to see at the Museum of Modern Art, and he told her he was going to Paris the following week.
“On business?” She looked surprised. It was the first time he had mentioned it, and she knew it must have come up suddenly for him not to have told her about it.
“No, to see Heloise. She’s starting her internship at the George V on the first of June. I told her I’d come over and see her before she starts work.” Natalie was quiet for a minute and then nodded. There were occasional reminders that he had a whole other part of his life that she couldn’t share. It hurt her feelings, but she tried not to think about it. It was almost as if he had a wife tucked away somewhere and she was his mistress, the woman that he loved and hid with. She would have liked to go to Paris with him, and she had the time, but there was no way that she could. Not until he told his daughter about them, and he was no longer saying that he would. They had taken the path of least resistance and were enjoying what they shared.
“That feels a little weird,” she admitted to him, and she didn’t ask him if he was going to tell her this time. She knew there would be some excuse when he didn’t, about how much it would upset her and how he couldn’t risk it. And she didn’t want to be disappointed again, and knew she would be. “I’d like to go to Paris too.”
“Maybe next year,” he said softly, feeling like a heel. Sometimes she wondered if he was going to break up with her when Heloise came back in December, just so he wouldn’t have to tell her. It was beginning to remind her of the relationship she’d had for eight years, with the man who had refused to commit. Hugues appeared to be committed, but as long as he hadn’t told Heloise about them, Natalie knew he really wasn’t. She was a phantom in his life that he was in love with, but only Heloise was real.
“What happens when she comes back in December?” Natalie asked him sadly.
“I’ll have to tell her then.” But they both knew he didn’t. He could play this game forever, as long as Natalie let him. She felt as though someone had let the air out of her tires hearing that he was going to Paris to see her, and he wasn’t even promising to tell her this time. He knew he couldn’t, and so did she. He was too frightened to upset her, alienate her, or lose her and was still unwilling to take the risk, even for a woman he loved.
Natalie was very quiet on the ride back to the hotel, and Hugues could feel the tension in the car and said nothing. He didn’t want to confront the subject again. It made him feel too guilty about her and anxious about his daughter. She took a walk on the beach alone the next morning, and Hugues knew she was still upset. There was nothing he could say to her, unless he agreed to tell Heloise when he saw her. And he didn’t want to promise that again and not deliver. He felt like a jerk.
Natalie said nothing more about it for the rest of the weekend. There was nothing left to say. When he dropped her off at her apartment Sunday night, she didn’t ask him to come up, which had never happened before, and he went back to the hotel. He was leaving in four days. He called her the next day and asked if he could come over. She was loving to him when he did, and cooked him dinner, but he could feel that a wall had come up between them. He had disappointed her too many times about telling Heloise, and suddenly it had become an even bigger deal, and neither of them was sure why.
“Look, I know it sounds crazy,” he said to her at the end of dinner. “I know this isn’t right to keep it from her, but it gives us time to get our relationship solid and squared away. Of course I’m going to tell her when she comes home. I just don’t want to risk it before that. She has too many other options, particularly this boy in Paris. She’s young, she’s not as understanding as we are. She may overreact. Once she’s home, I’ll deal with it. I promise.” She looked at him for a long moment and shook her head.
“I’m not understanding about it either. And I’m not young. It’s insulting. I’ve become the woman in the closet. You’re happy to have a relationship with me, you just won’t tell your kid. What does that mean? That you’re ashamed of me? That I’m not good enough? How am I supposed to feel? To be honest, I feel like shit.”
“I know you do, and I’m sorry. It’s just a very strange situation. We were alone for almost sixteen years. She’s had me to herself. We’ve been over this a thousand times. You know why I won’t tell her yet.” He looked as upset as she did, but she felt worse.
“Maybe you never will. How do I know what you’ll do when she comes home? We’ve been sleeping with each other for six months now, and you still haven’t told her. And maybe you never will.” She didn’t know what to believe now.
“Look, I’m going over to see her for a week. That’s all. I haven’t seen her since Easter. And I may go over once in the fall, and then she’ll be home.”
“And then what? What if she tells you to break up with me and she pressures you until you do? How do I know what kind of power this kid has over you? She seems to be winning so far. And I could wind up the big loser here. I’ve been there before.”
“That was different. He ran off with your best friend.”
“No different. He couldn’t make a commitment. Neither can you, to tell your daughter. No balls.” It was the harshest thing she had ever said to him, but he knew he deserved it, so he didn’t object. He wasn’t going to tell Heloise in Paris or even promise it this time, no matter what she said. He loved Natalie, but his relationship with his daughter meant too much to him to take that risk. And he didn’t know what he’d do if she begged him to let Natalie go when she came home. It was a horrifying thought, for both of them.
He went back to the hotel that night and didn’t stay with her. And she wouldn’t see him again before he left. He knew it was a bad sign. And he was troubled about it on the flight to Paris. He called her on her cell phone when he arrived in Paris, and she wouldn’t answer. He was afraid that it had been too much for her this time, but there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t get out of his mind Heloise saying to him that she wanted to be the only woman in his life when they were in Rome. It was unreasonable, he knew.
But how far was she willing to go to prove the point and demonstrate that to him? What if he lost her for years? And it wasn’t fair of Natalie to expect him to take that risk when Heloise was living three thousand miles away and he only saw her for a few days. He told himself that Natalie didn’t understand, she didn’t have kids. But somewhere in his heart of hearts he knew how unfair he was being to her and hated himself for it. And for now, it looked like Natalie hated him too. She had shut off all communication with him and didn’t even answer his texts of abject apology and undying love for her. As long as he kept her a secret, she no longer believed a word he said or wanted anything to do with him for now. He hoped that she’d calm down by the time he got back.
He tried to have a good time with Heloise in Paris anyway, but the time was short and stressed. She was trying to organize the tiny apartment they had found, and he helped her furnish it at IKEA in a day. She and Francois were nervous about their internships, so they were tense and argued constantly. And there was a general transport strike halfway through his trip, which meant no buses, no subways, no taxis, no trains, and the airport was closed. The city was a tangled nightmare of private cars and bicycles so people could get to work.
In spite of that, the Ritz was as pleasant as ever, and he took the kids out for several meals, when they weren’t squabbling with each other. But he got very little time alone with his daughter, and his worries about Natalie weighed heavily on him during the entire trip. And once again, this would have been totally the wrong time to tell Heloise about her. Heloise was much too nervous about her job at the George V and would have reacted badly. It was almost a relief to leave the day before she was to report for work. She promised to call him and let him know how it was going, and he wished both of them good luck.
It was strange leaving her with Francois. Heloise was moving on to her own life, but she hadn’t released her father to have one of his own. He thought both of the women in his life were unreasonable, and he was exhausted when he got back on the plane to New York. The transport strike had ended the day before. And his plane was crowded to the gills with people whose flights had been canceled during the strike. And the final blow was that his luggage never made the flight.
The car picked him up, and he rode to the hotel, happy to be back. It hadn’t been an easy trip. He tried calling Natalie from the car on the way in. Just as he had for the past week, he got her voice mail and nothing else. He called her office, and they said that she was out. She was nowhere. And wherever she was, she still wasn’t talking to him. And when he got to his office, he discovered why. Jennifer handed him a letter that she said that Natalie had dropped off for him earlier in the week. It was marked personal so she hadn’t opened it, and the envelope was thick. He strode into his office and closed the door behind him so he could read it in peace. He had hardly said a word to Jennifer when he walked in except that he had lost his bags. He had asked the concierge to call the airline to try and find them.
The letter told him everything he didn’t want to hear. That she loved him passionately, with her entire being, and would have been happy to spend the rest of her life with him, but she was an honest woman, not a dirty little secret to be hidden from a nineteen-year-old. If he didn’t love her enough to tell his daughter about her, after seven months, then there was clearly no place in his life for her. She was not going to allow him to humiliate her any longer by hiding her existence and denying his relationship with her. She said she sympathized with his problem and his fears about his daughter, but if the sixteen years he had devoted to her exclusively were worth anything at all, then his daughter would forgive him damn near anything, surely the fact that he was in love with a woman who loved him and who would have been kind to his daughter too. At the end of the letter, Natalie said she wished him well, told him it was over, and asked him not to call her again. She signed it simply, “I love you. Natalie.” And that was it. Over and out.