He sat at his desk feeling as though a bomb had exploded in the room. He knew he deserved it, but he hadn’t wanted this to happen. And he knew that the only thing that could change it was if he was willing to tell Heloise about her, and he wasn’t. Not for another six months. And maybe she was right. Maybe not even then. He was appalled at his own lack of courage, but the reality was that his relationship with his daughter was more important to him than the one with Natalie. She knew it, and so did he. All he could do now was let her go and accept her decision, out of respect for her. He loved her, but as she had said so poignantly in her letter, not enough. Not enough to respect her and treat her right. And he agreed with her. She deserved better than this. She wasn’t a dirty little secret. She was a woman who deserved everything she wanted. He just couldn’t give it to her. There were tears in his eyes when he folded the letter, put it back in the envelope, and put it in a locked drawer in his desk. He put his face in his hands and sat there for a few minutes, and then he got up and walked out of the room. He looked grim.
“Is everything all right?” Jennifer asked him softly. He hesitated and then nodded and walked out to the lobby to catch up on things at the front desk. Jennifer didn’t know what was in the letter, but she could guess. Natalie hadn’t called her either, but she knew how upset she was about Hugues never telling Heloise about her. And sooner or later she knew that Natalie would have enough of it and jump ship. The look on Hugues’s face told Jennifer that Natalie just had. She hoped not. But seven months was a long time to wait for a man to tell his kid. And she was sorry for them both. It was obvious that he loved her, but he loved his daughter more. And Jennifer knew it wouldn’t have been easy either if he told her. Heloise was never going to like having another woman in his life, no matter who that woman was. And she thought Natalie was terrific, and she deserved better than this. Apparently, Natalie thought so too.
Jennifer didn’t see Hugues again for the rest of the day. He was all over the hotel, catching up, and eventually he went upstairs to his apartment, locked the door, put the Do Not Disturb sign on, lay down on his bed, and cried himself to sleep.
Chapter 14
IT WAS A long, hot, lonely summer for both Natalie and Hugues. Natalie took on several new decorating jobs, none of which she enjoyed as much as the suites she had redone at the Hotel Vendome. She agreed to do a beachhouse in Southampton, another in Palm Beach, and two apartments in New York. All of her new clients were very nice and loved her work, but she had never felt as uninspired and depressed as for those three months over the summer.
Natalie felt like she had to drag herself to work every day, and she felt physically sick for the first few weeks after leaving Hugues. She’d been there before, and she knew that there was no way around it. She just had to live through it. She genuinely loved him, and losing him was agony for her.
All three of her assistants were worried about her, and she had them doing most of the work. She couldn’t concentrate on anything. And then finally she got back into her work again and took refuge in it. She flew to Palm Beach twice to meet with the client and architect on the project. And another new client called while she was away, to have her do an enormous house in Greenwich. Business was booming, but she felt awful.
By September, she was still in a funk, but getting used to it and working hard. She pushed herself through the days and was sleepless for most of the nights. She thought of Hugues constantly, but she had nothing to say to him, and after he got her letter that she had left at the hotel for him, he stopped calling her. She wanted to get over him, but she had no idea how long it would take. Every day felt like a lifetime, and every month like a century.
By Labor Day weekend, she felt as though she had been moving underwater with a cement block on her head for three months. She had never been so depressed in her life, even when the man she had lived with had gone off with her best friend. Hugues was a major loss for her, and she felt that he had never given her a decent chance. He had sent her a brief note in response to her letter telling her how much he loved her and how sorry he was. He admitted that he hadn’t done the right thing but was too afraid to, under the circumstances. He told her again that he loved her and wished her well. He knew she was right to end it, but he felt just as bad as she did all summer. And all he could do to dull the pain was work constantly and never take a moment off. Those who had been there when his wife left him said he hadn’t looked as bad as this.
No one knew exactly what had happened, but Natalie’s sudden absence was conspicuous, and people suspected that it wasn’t because she had finished the job. And they were sorry to see her vanish from their lives. She had been a sunny presence and a nice woman whom everyone had liked. But Hugues was the sorriest of all.
He started taking long walks alone in the park and worked till after midnight every night. His temper was short, which was rare for him, and he tolerated no nonsense from anyone. As best they could, his employees tried not to cross his path and hoped he’d be back to himself soon. Jennifer tried not to annoy him, and he barked at her several times, which was most unusual. By September he still looked terrible, and Jennifer was worried about him. She had never dared mention Natalie to him again, and when he’d gotten back from Paris in June, he told Jennifer to pay her final bill, which she did. As far as she knew, there had been no communication between them since.
The temperatures were over the hundred-degree mark on the Labor Day weekend, and they had trouble with the air conditioners on the fifth and sixth floors. The engineers were going crazy trying to get them working again while guests complained. Hugues told the front desk to discount the rooms, but the guests in them were unhappy anyway. The heat was unbearable all over the city. It was too hot to go anywhere or do anything. In spite of that, Hugues decided to take a break and headed toward Central Park when the weather started to cool down a little, which meant in the nineties, but there was a breeze at least. He had thought about taking Heloise’s dog with him, but it was too hot for her too, so he left her at the florist, where she had spent most of her time in recent months in Heloise’s absence, since Jan loved her more than Hugues did.
He was walking around the reservoir in his suit trousers and his shirt sleeves, and he had taken off his tie. Then the sky opened up, there was a clap of thunder, a bolt of lightning, and a sudden down-pour. It was the only thing that could help the city in the blistering heat. He was instantly drenched, and his shirt was glued to his body, but the weather was so warm, he didn’t mind it. He kept walking, he was thinking back to June and Natalie’s letter and the things he should have done differently. But it was too late now. And he still missed her.
He kept walking around the reservoir in the thunderstorm, which continued, and he had almost come full circle to where he had started when he saw a woman who looked like her in gym shorts and a T-shirt. She was as soaked as he was, and she was splashing through the mud on the dirt track. He told himself that she only looked like Natalie because he’d been thinking about her. She had long blond hair in a ponytail that was wet and plastered to her back. He could tell that she didn’t mind the rain either. She turned and changed direction then, and when she did, he saw that it wasn’t an illusion, it was Natalie walking toward him. She looked as surprised as he did, and neither of them knew where to look or where to go. They kept walking toward each other, and he didn’t know if he should say hello. She looked down at the path then and was about to walk past him, when a force stronger than he was made him step forward and block her path. She looked up at him, and the expression in her eyes nearly killed him. She looked as miserable as he was.
“I’m sorry I was so stupid,” he said as they stood there in the pouring rain.
“It’s okay.” She smiled sadly at him, making no effort to walk around him. “I loved you anyway. Maybe I should have waited, but I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I don’t blame you. I was afraid to lose her. And instead I lost you.” He looked devastated as the rain poured down their faces.
“It was probably a better choice. She’s your kid.”
“I love you,” he said, without reaching out to touch her. He was afraid to. He didn’t want to offend her.
“Me too. It won’t get us far, though. She probably would have made you give me up anyway.” His daughter had a death grip on him. Natalie knew that now.
“I won’t let that happen … if … if you give me another chance. I don’t know if I’d tell her before she comes home. She’ll be home in three months. And I’d fight like a dog for us then.” Natalie smiled at what he said, but she didn’t believe him. “Can I call you?”
They were both so soaked they looked like they had no clothes on, and he wished they didn’t. He remembered too well what her body looked like. He had dreamed of it night after night, and her face and her eyes. And he could see most of her body now through the soaked T-shirt and gym shorts.
“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I don’t want to go back to where we were, with me in the closet and you hiding me from her.” He nodded.
“And if I tell her in December when she gets home?”
“She’d probably kill you.” Natalie smiled at him, and he nearly melted. “Maybe it’s a good thing I never had kids.”
“It’s worth it,” he said gently. “So are you. I’d love to see you.” She didn’t answer. She would have loved it too, but too much, and then they’d just be in the same mess again, and even more so, if Heloise had a fit once she knew. Natalie didn’t want to go there. But he was willing to now, more than he had been in June. He knew just how much he loved her now. The last three months had told him. Enough to fight for her with his daughter.
“I don’t want to screw up your life,” she said kindly. She looked like she wanted to move on. It had shaken her up seeing him, and she didn’t have the answers he wanted, just as he hadn’t for her before.
“Take care of yourself,” he said sadly, and moved aside. He had to let her go. He knew he had no other choice. She walked away, and then turned back to look at him, and he was standing there, watching her, in the rain. It was still pouring, and she stopped walking again and just stood there and started crying. He walked toward her then and put his arms around her. There was nothing that either of them could say. They knew the whole story, and how it had ended. And then he kissed her, he couldn’t help himself, he had to. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him back, and they stood there kissing in the rain, their bodies pressed together.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered as they pulled away and looked at each other.
“You won’t. I promise. I won’t be that stupid again.”
“You weren’t stupid. You were scared.”
“I’m braver now,” he said, and she smiled. “Do you want to come to the hotel and get dry?” She nodded. They walked back into the hotel in silence and stood dripping in the lobby. They made a dash for the elevator, and the elevator man smiled at her. He was happy to see her again. He didn’t say anything, but he noticed that Mr. Martin was smiling for the first time in months.
Hugues let her into his apartment and went to get them both towels. She took off her shoes and left them in the entry hall and dried her hair first.
“We can have your clothes dried if you want.”
“Thank you,” she said politely. She walked into the second bathroom and came out wearing one of the hotel’s thick terrycloth robes. He was wearing one by then too, and he rang for the maid and handed Natalie’s mound of wet clothes to her and asked her to dry them. When the maid left, Natalie smiled at him. She was barefoot and naked under the robe, but he didn’t dare approach her.
“Tea?” he suggested.
“Thank you.” She had never expected to be here again, at the hotel, with him, in his rooms. She had tried to close the door on everything she felt for him, and so had he, and neither of them had succeeded.
When the tea came up, he handed her a cup of Earl Grey just the way she liked it, and she sat down and looked at him. She didn’t know what to do now. Was this a moment or a lifetime? Neither of them knew, and providence had brought them back together. She had been jogging in Central Park, and then it had started raining, and there he was. He didn’t say a word to her, he just reached out and touched her hand.
“I meant what I said to you in the park. I’ll fight for us, if you let me.” She didn’t answer, she just looked at him and set her cup down. She held out her arms to him, and he took her in his own. Her robe fell away, and then his did, and he carried her into his bedroom and laid her down on the bed and just looked at her.
“You don’t have to fight for me,” she said softly. “I don’t want a war. I just want to be a family so we can love each other.” He nodded. It was what he wanted too. He knew that now, and how precious she was to him and always had been. He didn’t say anything else to her then; he made love to her as he had wanted to for three months, and she gave herself to him with all the love and longing that had refused to die. And when it was over, they lay there together, shaken by what they’d almost lost and found again. And this time they both knew that whatever it took, they wouldn’t let it go.
Chapter 15
HUGUES WENT TO see Heloise in Paris again in October. The weather was beautiful, and he was happy to see her, and she was excited about coming home. He never mentioned Natalie, but Heloise could sense that something was different. She questioned him about it over dinner.
“You’re all grown up now,” he said quietly. “Maybe we both are. I think I needed to grow up too. It’ll probably feel strange when you come home. You’ve been gone for a long time, living your own life, even living with a man.” He smiled at her. And she was loving her internship at the George V. “You’ve gotten very independent.” She looked worried at the idea of things changing. He was trying to prepare her for what was coming. But they had a good time anyway. He only stayed for four days this time. He had a lot to do at home. And when he got back, he made a suggestion to Natalie.