Hotshot (26 page)

“What the hell do I do? Tell me.”

“I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you to be careful how you proceed. That woman is in love with you. It’s obvious she wants more.”

“I can’t stand her. I can’t even look at her and not feel hatred for what she did to Bizzy. To know my child will have her DNA is sickening.”

“Too late.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Her words hang in the air, and I know she’s right. I need to change my attitude.

“I’ll clear your schedule for the afternoon. I think you need to go home.”

“Thanks, Gail.” I pat her hand still on my shoulder.

She leaves me alone, and instead of calling Caldwell, I pack up to leave, checking my watch. Bizzy worked last night, and if I get home soon, she’ll hopefully still be sleeping. I want to crawl in bed and cradle her in my arms. She’ll know what to say.

“I agree with Gail,” Bizzy says into my chest as I run my hands through her hair.

She’s lying on top of me on the sofa, and I just finished telling her about the events of the morning.

“Tell me what to do.”

“Make it all about the baby.”

“How?”

I feel her breath hitch and a tear drop on my chest. But nothing prepares me for what she says next.

“Pretend it’s me. Pretend I am having your baby.”

My heart stops at her words, and I still my hands. It takes me a second to gather my thoughts.

“That’s impossible.
When
you have my baby, I’ll be by your side every second. You won’t be able to breathe without me in your space. Pretty sure you’ll have to surgically remove me from your ass.”

She chuckles and leans up, her eyes shining with tears. “I wouldn’t go that far, but you need to take a larger action in her prenatal care. Ask her how she’s doing. Maybe read a few books. Try to take an interest in her general wellbeing.”

“That’ll be hard, considering I can’t stand her.”

“You have to suck it up, Shaw, for the sake of the baby.”

I listen to what she’s saying, but I also hear the hurt and anguish in her voice. Then I realize I’ve been so focused on the ‘now’, I haven’t focused on our future. “Bizzy, I’ve begged for you to stay with me, but I’ve been selfish. You do know I’m going to need you, right?”

“You and Sasha will figure it out. Having a baby will be hard, but it will be beautiful.”

“What are you saying?”

“Late nights, early mornings, pediatrician appointments… all of it will be crazy. Sometimes, it will be maddening and chaotic, but you’ll get through it. You’re the type of man who will figure it out.”

“I’ll figure it out with you by my side.”

“You’ll figure it out regardless. But for now, you need to form a truce with Sasha.”

“I can’t believe this. Out of everything that’s happened, you’re so selfless and kind. How did I get so lucky?”

“You’re having a baby with Satan. I wouldn’t call that luck.”

I flinch at her statement. There’s a hint of something in her tone, something I don’t recognize. It’s not hurt, anger, or disgust. It sounds like betrayal.

“Damn, baby, kick me when I’m down.”

“I’m sorry, Shaw.” She lifts up, moving off my chest and scooting to the other end of the couch.

I go on alert, noticing the change in her instantly. She jerks her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around herself protectively. My first instinct is to haul her back to me, but instead, I stay put, waiting.

“That was uncalled for, but not untrue. I’ve done a lot of thinking lately, and I’ve decided that I’m not moving in yet. This is a delicate and confusing time, and I’d like to think about exactly how we should proceed.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” My heart doesn’t start racing; instead, it thunders in my chest so hard, my temple starts to tick. I bolt up and reach for her, but she holds out a hand to stop me.

“No, I’m not kidding.” There are no more tears in her eyes, only emptiness, and it kills me.

“Where is this coming from? You said you were standing by my side. I’m counting on you to help me get through this. Dammit! There’s no way I can do this without you.”

“I am going to help you, and stand by you, and be here for you. But I’m doing this FOR YOU!”

“How in the hell do you figure that?”

“Because I’m not leaving you. This is a postponement. We need to get you in the right headspace to deal with the fact your life is changing. And too much change at once is not a good idea.”

“This is not the answer. The answer is to move in quicker, make this our home. Decorate how you want, buy what you want, or
change
what you want. But do not back away from me now.”

“I’m still here, Shaw, but this is what I think is best.”

“What about what I think?”

“That’s the problem here. You’re not thinking. You’re so worried about me, you’re not paying attention to the big picture. We shouldn’t be thinking about us, or me. Unplanned or not, there’s still a baby coming. A baby you will want to have a home for here in this condo. A baby your family will want to get to know. A baby you will fall in love with.”

“I don’t doubt any of that. As a matter of fact, you’re the one helping me to see reason. So why would you think delaying your move would be a good idea? What am I missing?” I bark a little too loud and watch the change in her body language.

She leaps up, and this time when she speaks, there’s no denying; it’s written all over her. Anger, fury, and definite betrayal.

“What you’re missing is that it’s NOT MY BABY!”

The words bounce off the walls, and I can’t find a response. Everything she said is right. There will now be a baby in this home, in my life, in my family’s life.

We’ve gone over this. For weeks, both our fears have been discussed, but tonight is different.

“What’s happening here?” I ask, scared of her answer.

“What’s happening is I’m mad! Finally, after all these weeks of letting the truth sink in, I’m furious. I’ve listened to you beg and plead for me not to leave, for me to give this a chance. Promising nothing will come between us. But you’re wrong! Let me try and explain, force you to see where I’m coming from.

“I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. Since the day you walked into that hospital, my heart has beat for you. Each trip you made home during college, law school, and even your internship, I fell deeper. I tried to stop myself, tell myself I was being silly and the young crush would eventually fizzle out, but it didn’t.”

She takes a deep breath and then continues to cut me.

“I knew you cared about me, knew you had strength to help me when I was hurting, and that’s why I turned to you. If anything, those few minutes in your arms was my solace. I’d take it. As pathetic as it makes me, I’d take it.”

“Bizzy…” I move to her, but she steps further away.

“Let me finish. During those ten years, I paid attention to everything about you. When I saw you with a woman, I hoped and prayed she wouldn’t be the one to make you fall in love because I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. Then I got smart and realized having you in my life in any way was enough because that’s how much I loved you. But now, even knowing how much you care about me, I’m not sure I can survive you having a baby with Sasha Crane! I lied earlier. Hell, maybe I’ve lied all along. I thought I could support you, be that woman to overlook an obvious mistake. Now, I’m not sure I am that woman because that woman needs to be strong and confident. She needs to be able to stand with her head held high, not crawl into a hole and hide from the embarrassment and shame.”

Every one of her words slices me to shreds. This is twice today a woman has mentioned embarrassment and shame with me in their life.

One I don’t give two shits about, but this one owns my soul, and I can’t let her go through this alone.

“What can I do?” is all that spills out of my mouth.

“You can respect my wishes to postpone my move. You can back off a bit, give me some space to think about my place in all this. Since the moment you told me you cared about me, I’ve been so wrapped up in us, but I’m also hurting. Hurting so deeply that there’s a hole in my heart growing every day.”

“Don’t you see? I can’t back off because my biggest fear is happening right before my eyes. Giving you space means you have time to doubt my feelings and go into your head. That’s not going to work.”

“Shaw…” Her voice cracks, and I get to her quickly, forcing her into my chest, where I cradle her head into my neck. My arms hold her tight, feeling her tremble.

She doesn’t return my embrace but stands still, her own chest shaking against me.

“Baby, I don’t know what happened or where this came from, but you have to talk to me. I’ll give you anything in the world, absolutely anything in my power. You want to wait to move in, I’ll back off. But I’m not giving up.”

She nods but remains quiet, her breath now slowing.

“The last thing I want is for you to hurt, Bizzy. Any man who’s a real man, knows you’re the kind of woman who men would give their last dying breath to see smile. You’re the kind of woman a man fights for until there’s nothing left. And to me, there will always be something to fight for.”

I squeeze tighter, trying not to crush her, but unable to get her close enough. I knew this was coming. As much as I wanted to believe my devotion would be enough, it isn’t.

Now, I’m no longer scared.

I’m terrified.

Bizzy

“It’s so sad,” Claire speaks to no one in particular but expresses what we’re all feeling.

I sit numbly, staring at the bottle of water in front of me, remembering sweet Grady’s face the last time I saw him. He was so frail and weak, but his smile lit up his room. Claire and I visited him a few days ago, knowing it would most likely be our last time to see him alive.

He died this morning. Nurse Evie received the news an hour after Claire and I arrived for our shift. Everyone on the floor held it together, but it was tough, knowing we all cared about that young man.

A few nurses and patient techs all took our break together and came to the cafeteria so we could discuss him away from the other kids. So far, we’ve organized food drops-offs and coordinated our schedules so half of us could attend the visitation and the other half attend the funeral. Because of my connection, I’m attending both.

The table goes silent, but I’m too lost to lift my head and see why. When a Coke is slid in front of me and big strong arms circle me from behind, I let out a choke and close my eyes.

Nicky’s hold strengthens, and I twist into his embrace.

“Biz, I’m so sorry.”

He doesn’t ask ‘
how are you doing?
’ or ‘
how are you feeling?’
because he knows.

“Thanks.” I grip his arms in support.

We stay like this for a few minutes, Claire coming to us and Nicky sliding his arm over her. There are no tears, just silent sadness.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have a game tomorrow to prepare for?” I lean back and catch the worry in his eyes.

“Shaw called. I came. He wanted to be here.”

There’s no need to say more because Shaw is meeting Sasha today for another ultrasound. They hope to find out the sex of the baby.

It’s been two weeks since my break down at Shaw’s house. A break down that came out of the blue and I’ve been embarrassed about every day since. I tried to apologize but he shut me down, explaining it was better for me to let it out than hold my feelings inside. I know how much I hurt him because every time we’re alone, he’s more attentive than ever, if that’s even possible.

“If it’s all right, I’m going to hang with the kids on the floor today. Play some cards, watch some college football. Mathis will be coming around, too,” Nicky tells me, and I hear a faint sigh from someone at the table behind me.

“That will be wonderful.” I scoot back and break our group hug. “We’ll love having you.”

“Tonight is dinner at my parents’,” he reminds me.

“Nicky, tonight isn’t good.” The last thing I want to do is be around the Bennett family as they celebrate the news. I’ll have to deal with it soon enough.

“I know, Biz, but we should be together. For many reasons.”

I glance at Claire in a plea, and she picks up on my message.