How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (20 page)

Chapter 13

I awoke when the sun shone through the slats in my blinds on my apartment window. I felt bleary and nauseous, and I had a bad hangover. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a picture of Nick and me – a self-portrait that we had taken a few weeks earlier in Payson, the trees glittering in the sun behind us. Our cheeks were red from the cold, but we were both smiling widely. Nick’s arm was around my shoulders, and he was holding the camera away from us with his other arm. He was looking right into the camera, the result jarring in the present as it felt like he was looking at me as I stared at the picture. In the picture, I was looking up at him, pressed closely to his side, pure joy and love in my eyes. It was a gorgeous photograph of a couple very much in love. And then it dawned on me that it wasn’t Nick lying beside me in bed. That’s when the hangover really hit. I couldn’t look at Nick and me so happy in that picture while Travis was keeping my bed warm. I looked over and saw that Travis was still asleep. I opened the drawer of my nightstand and quietly placed the photo face down inside. It felt like putting the picture away should give me some closure, but it didn’t. The ache inside drummed even harder, and combined with the guilt I felt over having sex with Travis the night before, I felt terrible. I felt broken. I felt like I would never feel normal again. My heart completely broken, I quietly cried while the man I slept with the night before slept beside me. I finally got out of bed to shower and get ready for work, and I was hit with the horrid thought that I would have to face Nick that day at the office.

The steam from the shower normally helped cure my hangovers, but not that morning. I crumbled to the ground, heaving sobs that wouldn’t even produce tears. I was shattered.

I dreaded going to work that morning. Even with Travis apparently back in my life as more than my friend, I was in no way over Nick, and I was anxious about any encounters I might have with him, particularly given that my friends at work would surely notice if we acted differently toward one another. Plus we had our Monday morning team meeting, and as I dried my hair, I remembered that it was also the day of Brick City’s launch party.
Great. Just great.
It was already adding up to be a terrible day, and now I had to fake that I was my normal, happy and enthusiastic self in front of two of my best friends and the man who broke my heart.

When I had first received the invitation to the launch party a few weeks earlier, I had been excited about going. Everyone from my team was going, which, unfortunately, included Nick. I tried to think of some way to get out of it, but I realized that even through my anger, I was eager to see Nick. I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way.

I tried to look my best, but the first thing I saw when I went into my closet was the space formerly taken up by Nick’s suits. I broke down again, trying to be quiet with Travis still sleeping in my bed. I wanted to look good, to make Nick see what he was missing out on. I felt like shit, though, and it showed.

I found a black shirt and black pants, not realizing that I was dressing in dark clothes to match my mood. I covered the bags under my red-rimmed eyes as best I could, and after four ibuprofen tablets and some orange juice, I headed to work.

When I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car there, my heart thudded heavily in my chest. I couldn’t understand how my feelings for him could still be so powerful even after he had broken my heart the way he had. Yet there it was, that feeling I always got when I saw his car, that giddy, excited feeling of knowing that I would see him soon. I was a fucking idiot for feeling that way, but I simply couldn’t help it. There was nothing I could do to change the way I felt.

I avoided Lucy’s and Holly’s desks on my way to my own, and when I arrived punctually – not a minute early – I found a note on my desk:

Julianne
-

Please see me in my office before our team meeting.

-Nick

My breath caught in my throat as I made my way to Nick’s office. I knocked hesitantly and the door opened a short moment later.

Nick stood in front of me in a black suit with a dark shirt and a charcoal tie. It didn’t bypass me that he was wearing dark clothes, too. I hoped that he was in mourning just like I was.

He smelled of aftershave mixed with toothpaste mixed with Nicholas Matthews. My favorite scent in the whole world. And he knew it.
Damn him. Damn him for looking so good and smelling so good.
His hair was sticking out in different directions in his sexy way. He looked gorgeous, though very tired. In fact, bags that I had never seen before made his eyes look different. His face was pale. It was the first time his eyes met mine head-on since he had shattered my heart. His eyes looked cold and unfamiliar, haunted. Not at all like the loving, warm, gentle eyes that I was used to gazing into. I wasn’t sure what had changed literally overnight, but he clearly wanted nothing to do with me. My palms started to sweat as his cold eyes bored into me.

He looked at me for a moment before he spoke.
“Julianne.”

My knees started to shake. That one word coming from his perfect lips was almost my undoing. I felt hot tears prick the back of my eyes, but I couldn’t show him how affected I was. I had to try to keep my cool, at least while I was face to face with him.

“You okay?” he asked quietly.

“Fine,” I managed to spit out, grabbing hold of the doorframe to support my shaking body.

“Come in,” he said, waiting for me to enter his office. I did, and then he shut the door and headed to his desk. I sat in a chair facing him as he sat behind his desk.

He ran his hands through his hair and then steepled his fingers under his chin. He cleared his throat nervously. “The reason I wanted to talk to you is because I need to ensure that what happened between us will not affect our working relationship. We obviously have to work on projects together, attend meetings together, and no one can know that anything is different between us. I know it will be awkward, but we can’t…”

I interrupted, steaming, refusing to allow the tears playing at the corner of my eyes to spill. “Nick, I am a professional. I am so tired of hearing you talk about how no one can know about us. You made it abundantly clear that we are over now, so there’s nothing to hide anymore.”

I stormed out of his office, shaking, and headed toward the conference room for our Monday morning team meeting. And that’s when what I had done the night before with Travis washed over me. I knew what a huge mistake I had made, and I felt the guilt overtake all of my other emotions. For some reason, the idea struck me that Nick would be hurt if he had found out
about Travis and me. I wasn’t sure where that idea came from given what Nick had done to me, but it was there nonetheless, and a tiny part of me almost wanted him to find out. I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me.

Nick followed me to the conference room. We were the first to arrive. “I’m sorry,” he said in a hushed voice. “I know you are a professional. I just want to be sure that our work relationship will stay the same.”

“Of course it won’t be the same, Nick,” I hissed. I lowered my voice. “You broke my heart. You shattered me. Out of nowhere.”

Just then Lucy and Jake walked in, effectively ending our conversation. I was certain that Lucy could pick up on the tension between us, but I plastered on a smile worthy of an Academy Award and engaged my friend in conversation about her weekend. She was so caught up in chattering about some incredible date that Jake had taken her on that she was oblivious to the horrendous emotions pressing heavily upon me.

Holly, Malcolm, and Greg walked in a moment later, all three of them carrying Starbucks cups, and our meeting began. Nick led, as usual, but his usual enthusiasm was definitely missing. And he wouldn’t even glance in my direction.

“Holly, share with the team what you told me last week,” Nick said.

“About the concept for Wreckage?” she asked.

Nick nodded.

“Okay. I have a new client for a brand new bar called Wreckage. They shared their vision with me but I’m kind of at a loss for print ideas. They want newspaper and magazine ads for sure, and they’re considering direct mailing and coupons,” she said.

“What’s the vision?” Malcolm asked.

“It’s a beachy type theme. They have a boat that’s shipwrecked as a mural on one wall. They specialize in frozen drinks like daiquiris and pina coladas,” Holly said.

“Let’s do some free association. Holly, take this down,” Nick said, taking control and looking damn sexy doing it even though I knew it was wrong to feel that way. “First word is beach.”

“Sand,” Greg offered first.

Others responded with words like ocean, water, salt, sunshine, lotion, coconut scent, Mexico, and surfing. I remained quiet as other ideas were thrown around until “beach” was exhausted.

“Next word is Wreckage.”

Malcolm started this time.
“Car accident. Insurance. Fire. Destruction. Crash. Hurt.”

“Shipwreck.
Pirates. Treasure chest. Antiques,” offered Jake.

I finally chimed in with, “Relationships.
Exes. Broken hearts.”

Everyone paused for a moment and stared at me, including Nick.

He gazed at me for a long moment before finally breaking the silence. “The next word is bar.”

The meeting continued as usual, and by the end, Holly had some great ideas for her marketing plan for the bar. I bolted as soon as Nick dismissed us, and a few moments later, he showed up at my
cubicle.

I continued my work, ignoring that he was behind me. I logged into my email,
but I still felt his presence.

“Julianne, can we talk?” he asked quietly.

I didn’t bother turning around. I continued to stare at my email, trying to comprehend the letters and words on the screen in front of me. “I actually have quite a bit of work to catch up on today. Is it about a project?”

“You know what it’s about.”

“I have no interest in discussing anything with you except for work.”

I heard him sigh deeply and then turn and leave.

A glance at my calendar reminded me once more about the launch party for Brick City that evening. I finally decided that I was going to go, and I was going to suck up my depression and I was going to look
good
. I was going to make him suffer like I was suffering. Even though he dumped me and told me that he didn’t love me, I had to believe that he was hurting from all of this, too. Thinking that I wasn’t alone in this was the one thing that kept me going.

My cell phone rang a few minutes later.
“Travis, hi. How are you this morning?” I answered.

“Well, I am still laying in your bed, but now I am wishing you were still here with me so I could hold you in my arms and then make your wildest dreams a reality,” he replied.

“What time do you have to be at work?” I asked, ignoring his sentiment. I just couldn’t deal with him on top of worrying about Nick constantly.

“Dad said I could have the day off in celebration.”

“Celebration? For what?” I asked.

“For finally landing the one woman that I’ve compared every woman against since I met her. He’s known about my feelings for a long time.”

“That’s sweet,” I said, knowing that it was a mistake, but seeking comfort again after my run-in with Nick. I was weak, and I knew that. But I didn’t have the strength to say no to Travis when I knew that it would make him so happy.

“All fantasies aside for a
second, have you run into him today?” he asked.

“Sure have. There was a note on my desk for a meeting with him this morning. I’ll explain later.”

“Some nerve that guy has. Want me to come kick his ass?”

“Oh, Trav.
I better get to work. Bye.”

“Bye, babydoll,” he replied.

As impossible as it was to concentrate, I managed to get some work done. It was hard being at work; I could not get Nick off of my mind. I wanted to see him, even though it would only hurt me; more than that, I wanted to cut him off. I wanted to tell him how I really felt. His door was closed, so I forced myself to knock confidently, my heart racing, and then I heard, “Yeah?”

He looked surprised to see me. “I just wanted to make a few things clear. Please do not call me at home. I will see you and speak to you here at work only when necessary. I will be at the launch party for Brick City tonight, and I would appreciate it if you kept your distance.” My voice sounded like someone else’s as I strongly made my case. I turned to leave and started toward the door as tears formed at the corners of my eyes. I had to get out of there before he saw.

“Julianne, I’m sorry,” he whispered. His whisper sounded tortured, and I was glad. I finally felt some vindication that he was suffering, too. I never turned around to look at him after he spoke. I just opened the door and left.

When I got to my car, I just sat in the driver’s seat for minute. Suddenly, tears were streaming down my face. My heart was completely broken. It was much too soon for me to get involved with anyone, and what happened the night before was a huge mistake. I didn’t want to hurt Travis in the end. He was much too good of a person – of a friend – to do that to.